Boyfriend's issues with marriage

[JimG]

So he began by telling me his issues with marriage. The first is that this is the only relationship that either of us have been in, and although he loves me and is comfortable in our relationship, it sounds like he wonders if this is IT.

Of course he’s comfortable in the relationship; nothing is demanded of him.

Obviously he’s not ready for marriage. The purpose of dating is to discern a marriage partner. He’s not ready. Why remain in a relationship with someone who is not ready for marriage? It’s time to move on.

 

[SonCatcher]

Of course he’s comfortable in the relationship; nothing is demanded of him.

Obviously he’s not ready for marriage. The purpose of dating is to discern a marriage partner. He’s not ready. Why remain in a relationship with someone who is not ready for marriage? It’s time to move on.

The OP doesn’t necessarily say she’s ready for marriage, yet (both are still going to school, after all). This is the first time either she or her boyfriend discussed the issue at all. I certainly wasn’t “ready” until I had graduated and started my career.

 

[Sullibe]

Second, your WAY too young to even think about marriage. Live first, then worry about it the important stuff. I’m ten years older than you (30, for all you non-math people ) and I rarely think about it, except as some distant event.

Not necessarily. I think postponing engagement and marriage is wise given the circumstances and lack of discussion about marriage. As far as age goes I got married at the age of 21, 3 months after graduating from college; my husband was 21 and we had been dating for 3 1/2 years when he proposed. Nearly 10 years and 4 kids later, we are still very happily married. I’m not saying that everyone should get married at 21, but that age is not necessarily as an important of a factor as some believe.

And for the record, my husband was my first serious relationship. I’m not really one to believe in “love at first sight” but I knew I was going to marry him, before I even knew who he was.

 

[zaramarie81]

I agree with this 100%. People in their 20s are not children and should be thinking about marriage as responsible adults. Unfortunately, society encourages us to behave as perpetual teenagers, and maybe grow up in our mid-30s. (I wish I’d known these things when I was in my 20s.)

The only advice I’d give to the OP is not to rush into marriage when there are unresolved issues in the relationship. Your boyfriend sounds a bit immature at this stage. Hopefully he’ll grow up and figure things out in not too distant future.
Marriage is a serious thing and people should be very clear about what they’re getting themselves into. Talking about is a very good thing, at least you know eher he stands. So be wise: don’t waste time with men who are immature and are not sure if they want to be with you. Give him time but not too much time.

Good luck!

I agree too with Andrew. I am 29 and finally getting married. I too cycled through many relationships, wasting time looking for Mr Perfect and “living life”. Oh the heartache and baggage this caused!

I think the fact you’ve dated for 3 years is healthy, esp for your ages. My only concern is that he does not seem ready for marriage. He seems to have the mentality that he wants some other experiences before marriage (which again, I am not sure that will lead him down the right road). Marriage takes two and both people have to be ready and willing.

I say take a break. Give it some time to reflect over. Don’t jump into other dating relationships but just take a breather.

I also am concerned about the purity issue. I am glad he was honest with you but… he seems to be currently struggling and should definitely pursue some help with that (“help” being anything from regular Confession, regular prayer, a spiritual director, or if issues are running deep, a counselor).