Breaking up - how to be as honest as I could?

[CenTex_Catholic]

Hi - I am a newbie, been a Catholic since I was 4 months old, went to Catholic school from kindergarten all the way up to Sr high.

I am 38 yrs old, never had any serious relationship until recently. I’ve always been quite independent, and a bit care-free some people might say, but not in a bad way. I’m just used to doing 100% of things alone.

I met a girl my age. She is a Catholic, came from the same home country as I do and we started dating. We lived in different cities so every weekend (or almost) I’ve been commuting to see her.

Everything have been going well, but now I sensed that our collective visions may not be 100% compatible - and; this is what I scared off the most; I valued my independence much much more than I ever thought I did. This last 2 weeks, I’ve spent time alone due to work commitment and I never thought that I would miss this. There were fights in the past due to different reasons:

1. Travel - I am a wanderlust, and I value maximizing exploration time when on vacation. I used to go out of the hotel/cabin before sun up, hitting the trails or out and about, and be back after sun down. She’s more of a relax and chill type. We solve this we thin - with once a year, we would go on trips alone.
2. Place of residence - we live on 2 different cities. Both of us are working, but I can safely say that my career is a bit more advanced. She is working for current employer as a job, not as a career even though it pays the bill.

We had a fight about this, because she wanted me to move in and I wanted her to move in. She does have a house that she has a lot of (name removed by moderator)ut in remodeling. Mine is a more basic, with not as much upgrades. She wanted to move as long as I remodeled my current house or move to another house since she does not like mine. We finally agreed that she would move but I still sense that she is still not fully satisfied with the decision

1. Insecurity - she is insecure sometimes. She would ask who I met with, why I talk to this or that female person in this way or that way. Why did I ask different questions to this female compare to that female? This blew up one time where I could not take it anymore because I sense that there is a lack of trust. We made up afterwards but I get a sense that I am always going to worry about this. She looked at all my phone and browsed through the majority of my text messages at one time and asked almost every female names in there.
2. Daily contacts - she wants daily contacts, by phone or Skype. To her, that’s an important thing. To me - it is too much but I did not say, I did not want her to get upset. But some times, it can be really dreadful since I wanted time alone for myself.
3. We had another big fight after our Engage Encounter session. It was the session about who’s the most important - the spouse or the child. To me, when we had children, they would become more important, they should be the focus of our lives, and we had disagreement there.

There are other things as well - but I think what it comes down to is - that I value my independence more than anything.

She is currently on short term disability until end of the year. At that time, upon release from her doctor, she would come back to work. I don’t want to lead her on by continuing the relationship where I am always having one foot outside the door - so to speak. If I tell her about this - I know she would be devastated.

I also feel in a way - that I walk away from a problem. I mean - I don’t want to get into a car accident, but that does not mean that I just stop driving altogether. On the flip side, I don’t see a good end or a good outcome for me. In my heart of heart, I am not 100% sure that I can see myself to be with this person for the rest of my life.

Sorry if I am rambling too much. I thought I share and try to listen/read other people’s experience or comments.

 

[CenTex_Catholic]

One more thing - she was previously married but end up in a divorce due to abusive husband.

In our home country, sometimes a divorced woman is perceived (most of the times unfairly) as a broken plate - so to speak. I’ve never thought about her that way. I know the fact about the divorce going in, so that was not an issue for me.

 

[peacoat]

Hi - I am a newbie, been a Catholic since I was 4 months old, went to Catholic school from kindergarten all the way up to Sr high.

I am 38 yrs old, never had any serious relationship until recently. I’ve always been quite independent, and a bit care-free some people might say, but not in a bad way. I’m just used to doing 100% of things alone.

I met a girl my age. She is a Catholic, came from the same home country as I do and we started dating. We lived in different cities so every weekend (or almost) I’ve been commuting to see her.

Everything have been going well, but now I sensed that our collective visions may not be 100% compatible - and; this is what I scared off the most; I valued my independence much much more than I ever thought I did. This last 2 weeks, I’ve spent time alone due to work commitment and I never thought that I would miss this. There were fights in the past due to different reasons:

1. Travel - I am a wanderlust, and I value maximizing exploration time when on vacation. I used to go out of the hotel/cabin before sun up, hitting the trails or out and about, and be back after sun down. She’s more of a relax and chill type. We solve this we thin - with once a year, we would go on trips alone.

It sounds like you have this fixed. But change is good, moderation…maybe you go for a walk in the AM and explore, come back for a nice lunch with her, a short outing together and you go out again while she calls it a night? You need to work to eachother’s strengths.

1. Place of residence - we live on 2 different cities. Both of us are working, but I can safely say that my career is a bit more advanced. She is working for current employer as a job, not as a career even though it pays the bill.

We had a fight about this, because she wanted me to move in and I wanted her to move in. She does have a house that she has a lot of (name removed by moderator)ut in remodeling. Mine is a more basic, with not as much upgrades. She wanted to move as long as I remodeled my current house or move to another house since she does not like mine. We finally agreed that she would move but I still sense that she is still not fully satisfied with the decision

Moving is asking alot. She has put alot of work into her house and while you have a great career, that is HUGE. Careers come and go, houses are forever.

3

. Insecurity - she is insecure sometimes. She would ask who I met with, why I talk to this or that female person in this way or that way. Why did I ask different questions to this female compare to that female? This blew up one time where I could not take it anymore because I sense that there is a lack of trust. We made up afterwards but I get a sense that I am always going to worry about this. She looked at all my phone and browsed through the majority of my text messages at one time and asked almost every female names in there.

People have insecurities. I dated a guy for a year and then I found out he had a wife. I dated good guys, too. But once you’ve been hurt, wanting to be careful, before you get married is important.

1. Daily contacts - she wants daily contacts, by phone or Skype. To her, that’s an important thing. To me - it is too much but I did not say, I did not want her to get upset. But some times, it can be really dreadful since I wanted time alone for myself.

ARE YOU FOR REAL??? You are going to MARRY and LIVE WITH HER EVERY DAY! This is 100% you and 100% not ok.

1. We had another big fight after our Engage Encounter session. It was the session about who’s the most important - the spouse or the child. To me, when we had children, they would become more important, they should be the focus of our lives, and we had disagreement there.

Good children come from good relationships with your spouse. They’ll be differet opinions here, but for the most part your spouse has to come first (after God), with the children coming second before work.

There are other things as well - but I think what it comes down to is - that I value my independence more than anything.

She is currently on short term disability until end of the year. At that time, upon release from her doctor, she would come back to work. I don’t want to lead her on by continuing the relationship where I am always having one foot outside the door - so to speak. If I tell her about this - I know she would be devastated.

She probably will be devastated, but she will be more so if you marry her and then never want to see her.

I also feel in a way - that I walk away from a problem. I mean - I don’t want to get into a car accident, but that does not mean that I just stop driving altogether. On the flip side, I don’t see a good end or a good outcome for me. In my heart of heart, I am not 100% sure that I can see myself to be with this person for the rest of my life.

Sorry if I am rambling too much. I thought I share and try to listen/read other people’s experience or comments.

Not to be rude, but I’m not sure if it’s “with this person” or with anyone. You can’t spend days alone as a married person.

 

[The_Bucket]

I
Not to be rude, but I’m not sure if it’s “with this person” or with anyone. You can’t spend days alone as a married person.

Most of what you said was solid and I can’t add much. But yes you can spend days alone as a married person. But we’re talking about a fishing trip or something. Once in a very long while. Otherwise, yes you are indeed stuck together. There’s a reason that they say “the two become one flesh” and it ain’t just sex.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think you are too used to doing whatever you want to do, and not having to make any adjustments for another person. You say you value your independence…well, you can’t have that same level of independence when you marry. You become one flesh with your wife. You’re not just 2 people sharing a house.

If she is insecure and/or jealous, she’s the most wrong person in the world for you. You will try to pull away as she clutches even tighter. Two independent people can make it work, two insecure people can sometimes make it work, but one who is independent and one who is insecure? :nope:

As far as breaking up - Just be honest without being brutal. “I have spent a lot of time thinking about our relationship, and I have determined that I am not really able to commit to a marriage. I care about you, but I don’t want to lead you on and have you waste time when it’s not likely that I will marry for a long time, if ever.”

Just one more picky little point - this may be due to English being your 2nd language - but a 38-year-old female is not a “girl.” Just as you are not a “boy” at age 38.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I also feel in a way - that I walk away from a problem. I mean - I don’t want to get into a car accident, but that does not mean that I just stop driving altogether. On the flip side, I don’t see a good end or a good outcome for me. In my heart of heart, I am not 100% sure that I can see myself to be with this person for the rest of my life.

Sorry if I am rambling too much. I thought I share and try to listen/read other people’s experience or comments.

You tell the woman (38 year old females are women, BTW, not “girls” unless you consider yourself a “boy”) that you are ending the relationship because you don’t see any future for the two of you. You take responsibility by saying you realize you don’t want to make a commitment. Be firm. That’s all. Then go away and leave her strictly alone. At the start of your next relationship, point out immediately that you are not now, nor will you be in the future, looking for a committed relationship.

She’s going to feel bad. She’s going to argue. Don’t. Just be brief, straightforward and walk away.

Any idea you may have of getting her to hang around while you have the independent life you want with her on the side for your own convenience is to be abandoned right now as morally reprehensible. Leaving is your only ethical option.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Everything have been going well, but now I sensed that our collective visions may not be 100% compatible…

snip

So you end it. Now.

Staying with someone, or worse - marrying them - because you’re afraid you’re going to hurt their feelings if you end things isn’t honest. And it’s a recipe for disaster down the road.

Tell her what you told us, that you don’t see the two of you as compatible.

Most of what you said was solid and I can’t add much. But yes you can spend days alone as a married person. But we’re talking about a fishing trip or something. Once in a very long while. Otherwise, yes you are indeed stuck together. There’s a reason that they say “the two become one flesh” and it ain’t just sex.

Off the top of my head I can think of a number of couples who routinely spend weeks and months apart. Navy spouses may only spend six months of a year together. OTR truckers only get home to their families once a month or so. Couples in academia can be separated for weeks or months during sabbaticals or if one of them is doing research or teaching somewhere else. Pilots and flight attendants who fly internationally can get home every fortnight or so.

My husband is a regional truck driver. He’s home every 14-16 days for a couple of days. When he was driving nationally he was home every 27-28 days for two days. This isn’t anomalous. It’s a fact of life for millions of trucking families in the US. And my husband and I are no less one flesh than couples who see each other every day.

 

[vames]

If I tell her about this - I know she would be devastated.

I also feel in a way - that I walk away from a problem. I mean - I don’t want to get into a car accident, but that does not mean that I just stop driving altogether. On the flip side, I don’t see a good end or a good outcome for me. In my heart of heart, I am not 100% sure that I can see myself to be with this person for the rest of my life.

She would be even more devastated if you prolong this situation. End it now, as gentle as you can, but tell it as it is, otherwise you’ll be wasting your time and her time. It’s obvious that you don’t love her, so there’s no use in feeding false hopes.
You say you can’t see a good outcome, but both of you will feel better and free afterwards.

 

[Catholic1954]

Hi - I am a newbie, been a Catholic since I was 4 months old, went to Catholic school from kindergarten all the way up to Sr high.

I am 38 yrs old, never had any serious relationship until recently. I’ve always been quite independent, and a bit care-free some people might say, but not in a bad way. I’m just used to doing 100% of things alone.

I met a girl my age. She is a Catholic, came from the same home country as I do and we started dating. We lived in different cities so every weekend (or almost) I’ve been commuting to see her.

Everything have been going well, but now I sensed that our collective visions may not be 100% compatible - and; this is what I scared off the most; I valued my independence much much more than I ever thought I did. This last 2 weeks, I’ve spent time alone due to work commitment and I never thought that I would miss this. There were fights in the past due to different reasons:

1. Travel - I am a wanderlust, and I value maximizing exploration time when on vacation. I used to go out of the hotel/cabin before sun up, hitting the trails or out and about, and be back after sun down. She’s more of a relax and chill type. We solve this we thin - with once a year, we would go on trips alone.
2. Place of residence - we live on 2 different cities. Both of us are working, but I can safely say that my career is a bit more advanced. She is working for current employer as a job, not as a career even though it pays the bill.

We had a fight about this, because she wanted me to move in and I wanted her to move in. She does have a house that she has a lot of (name removed by moderator)ut in remodeling. Mine is a more basic, with not as much upgrades. She wanted to move as long as I remodeled my current house or move to another house since she does not like mine. We finally agreed that she would move but I still sense that she is still not fully satisfied with the decision

1. Insecurity - she is insecure sometimes. She would ask who I met with, why I talk to this or that female person in this way or that way. Why did I ask different questions to this female compare to that female? This blew up one time where I could not take it anymore because I sense that there is a lack of trust. We made up afterwards but I get a sense that I am always going to worry about this. She looked at all my phone and browsed through the majority of my text messages at one time and asked almost every female names in there.
2. Daily contacts - she wants daily contacts, by phone or Skype. To her, that’s an important thing. To me - it is too much but I did not say, I did not want her to get upset. But some times, it can be really dreadful since I wanted time alone for myself.
3. We had another big fight after our Engage Encounter session. It was the session about who’s the most important - the spouse or the child. To me, when we had children, they would become more important, they should be the focus of our lives, and we had disagreement there.

There are other things as well - but I think what it comes down to is - that I value my independence more than anything.

She is currently on short term disability until end of the year. At that time, upon release from her doctor, she would come back to work. I don’t want to lead her on by continuing the relationship where I am always having one foot outside the door - so to speak. If I tell her about this - I know she would be devastated.

I also feel in a way - that I walk away from a problem. I mean - I don’t want to get into a car accident, but that does not mean that I just stop driving altogether. On the flip side, I don’t see a good end or a good outcome for me. In my heart of heart, I am not 100% sure that I can see myself to be with this person for the rest of my life.

Sorry if I am rambling too much. I thought I share and try to listen/read other people’s experience or comments.

I don’t see a happy marriage in the future for you and your present girlfriend. You are a good man, but not good husband material. She values intimacy and you need space; she is correct, the spouse should come first in a marriage, but you would put the children over her. It sounds like she is a little bit insecure in the relationship (common in a long distance relationship) but you don’t see the need to calm her fears. You should end it now. If you marry her you will feel trapped and resentful, and both of you will be unhappy for the rest of your lives and pass that on to any children.

 

[Lady_Love]

It sounds like you know yourself very well and you know what you want. Love involves making sacrifices. It sounds to me that you are not ready to love someone else yet. You will know when you are ready to love when sacrificing things is the desire of your heart, when you want to “throw it all away” for the other person.

My fiance’ does everything to make sure that I have everything I need and much of what I want. He surprises me with gifts, he listens to me whenever I need to talk, etc. and he never resents it, rather he loves being my hero.

Men are like gardeners and women are the garden. If you are not willing to tend the garden and give it consistently what it needs then you should not be in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with not being ready. You learn to tend a garden by first learning to take care of yourself. Just know, that if you don’t tend a garden, you will have no fruit come harvest time.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

It sounds like you know yourself very well and you know what you want. Love involves making sacrifices. It sounds to me that you are not ready to love someone else yet. You will know when you are ready to love when sacrificing things is the desire of your heart, when you want to “throw it all away” for the other person.

My fiance’ does everything to make sure that I have everything I need and much of what I want. He surprises me with gifts, he listens to me whenever I need to talk, etc. and he never resents it, rather he loves being my hero.

Men are like gardeners and women are the garden. ** If you are not willing to tend the garden and give it consistently what it needs then you should not be in a relationship. ** There is nothing wrong with not being ready. You learn to tend a garden by first learning to take care of yourself. Just know, that if you don’t tend a garden, you will have no fruit come harvest time.

What a touching post. I love the analogy of men as gardeners! That is so true, and it is something I would tell my daughters if I had any…and will try to tell my sons, if the right moment comes…

 

[underacloud]

CenTex_Catholic, I think there are two possibilities here:

1. That you are not meant to be married. You value your independence so much that marriage is unlikely to be appealing or to work well for you.

or…

1. You simply haven’t found the woman yet who you are prepared to sacrifice some independence for. We (married people) all do this, and we do it when we find that person who offers us so much more and makes us forget about what we’re giving up in exchange. Perhaps you will meet this person it some point in time. But it is clearly, I think, not this woman. Let her go, and do it firmly but kindly.