Bring Back Traditional Dating

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Dating, then and now.

“Cronin, a professor of philosophy from Boston College, noticed a trend in her classes when most of her students admitted never being on traditional dates. She decided to document this development in 2018, called The Dating Project, challenging singles to return to traditional dating methods. In the documentary Cronin says that singles are intentional with everything in their life from the type of car they buy, to the career they want but aren’t intentional with how they date. She also comments about most singles are expecting others to adapt to them and in a relationship, it’s really about adapting to each other. “Stop looking for the right person and start being the right person.””

Andrea Bear writes in Catholic Stand:

https://www.catholicstand.com/bring-back-traditional-dating/
 
[Disclaimer: Wow, did I hate the age where I was interested in dating and knew no one I wanted to date. I was as risk-averse as anyone I am about to write about!!]

I thought the observation that dating apps give people the idea that there is a “perfect person” or that there ought to be a laundry list of boxes checked before someone is acceptable was a very good one.

Sometimes we are paralyzed and more likely to be unhappy with our choice if we overthink the choice or feel our choices all need to be perfect. We don’t want to date because we don’t want to take the risk of a one-sided interest, even though one-sided interests are not known to be fatal experiences.

It is interesting, too, to know about the things that can bias us for or against a particular choice:


"Choice is the purest expression of free will – the freedom to choose allows us to shape our lives exactly how we wish (provided we have the resources to do so).

“But choice is difficult because it also represents sacrifice. Choosing something inherently means giving up something else – something we might want tomorrow, or next week – and that won’t be available to us if we don’t grab it today.” from the above article

I actually remember talking to a male friend who said he thought the guys in his circle (he was including himself) were both afraid to commit to a girlfriend too early in life (risking all those other girls they will meet and have to say ‘no’ to) but also afraid to commit too late (risking losing out on the best choices because they’re taken and the man is aging out of his most attractive time of life). Yes, his ideal was to meet, court and marry his future wife just in time before old age started making him so undesirable that she wouldn’t choose him if she had the choice again, lol!!

Take the choice-making advice “set a deadline.” I think it is bad advice to set a deadline for getting married. I think it is probably good advice to tell people to set a deadline for themselves to find someone to ask on just one date. How does one date? Just. Do. It. The chances are that if you date just to be dating you’ll have a far easier time finding a dating partner than if you’re dating specifically because you are petrified that time is running out and you need to find a spouse!

Dating helps adults learn how to be good conversational partners and decision-making partners in marriage by giving a way to spend uninterrupted time with other adults in the pool they’d consider as marriage prospects. It helps them have a frame of reference for what is really important to them. It can help them open their minds and yet also to know their boundaries more clearly. Even though you ought to go in knowing you probably won’t marry the first person you ever date and that you might very well meet someone you want to marry who will not reciprocate the interest, as long as you are respectful to the people you date as human beings the process will help you mature as a person and as someone’s future spouse.
 
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I might add that my husband and I found each other because we had mutual friends who set us up.
Knowing you are dating someone that isn’t in your social circle but that at least some of your friends know and like is a good way to go, because your friends are both more picky and yet less picky than you are.
 
I dated when young men and women were still on the same page. Society had not yet deteriorated to a state where the media-taught disconnect occurred in most situations.
  1. Get talking and start to develop trust and understanding.
  2. Do both of you have a number of things in common?
  3. Is your worldview based on your faith?
  4. Can you work out differences in a relatively calm manner?
Being able to communicate well will serve both of you throughout your married life.
 
My husband and I met the same way being set up by mutual friends.

To be honest I would rather see a return of traditional ‘courtship’ than dating.
 
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Those 2 German girls today in the supermarket queue discussing for 3 minutes how attractive they thought I am had no idea I speak the language. When I told them good bye, thanking them for their remarks, you should have seen their reaction…Anyway, this catholic is full of work and forgoes, yet again, what could have been a brilliant Friday night.
 
I don’t know…I met my husband online and seeing what he wrote actually helped me see his good qualities and make a decision about why I liked him. He had a couple superficial dealbreakers (for example, he was a musician, I had vowed never to date another musician) and I totally would have passed him by if I hadn’t seen the more thought-provoking stuff on his dating profile. I think that, like anything, dating apps can be used well or poorly.
 
edwest211 said:
I dated when young men and women were still on the same page. Society had not yet deteriorated to a state where the media-taught disconnect occurred in most situations.
  1. Get talking and start to develop trust and understanding.
  2. Do both of you have a number of things in common?
  3. Is your worldview based on your faith?
  4. Can you work out differences in a relatively calm manner?
Being able to communicate well will serve both of you throughout your married life.
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This is still pretty much how it works for my daughters, especially the younger one. She dates a lot of different guys, and it’s all about common interests and shared values and having fun together.
 
adgloriam said:
Those 2 German girls today in the supermarket queue discussing for 3 minutes how attractive they thought I am had no idea I speak the language. When I told them good bye, thanking them for their remarks, you should have seen their reaction…Anyway, this catholic is full of work and forgoes, yet again, what could have been a brilliant Friday night.
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That’s awesome.
 
Having fun. Not cart before the horse. I’m glad to hear this. I had more than a few conversations with the mom of a young lady about her daughter and dating. Definitely the same.
 
Dating does not help conversation. If you don’t know how to have a proper, civil conversation at the start, you won’t later.
 
Yeah there are many approaches. I had maybe two romantic relationships before getting married in my late 20s. I never dated in the casual sense of the word. I had many good women friends.
 
edwest211 said:
Dating does not help conversation. If you don’t know how to have a proper, civil conversation at the start, you won’t later.
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Did you just imply that practice does not improve either the skill or the comfort people have as conversationalists? You could not have meant that. You also could not have meant that someone who is comfortable having conversations with those of their own sex or in groups is automatically going to be just as good at talking one-on-one to a member of the opposite sex.

Besides, I think you will agree that there is far more to being a conversational partner than merely achieving being “proper” or “civil.” That’s kind of like implying you can’t get better at baseball once you’ve learned good sportsmanship.
 
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Interesting interpretation. Social skills are taught by parents. When young people are old enough to date, they should know what to do. The practice part occurs before the first date. I can guarantee that if a person is not articulate, does not adjust himself to the person he’s speaking to and have an understanding of civil behavior, you will never see her again.

Baseball involves inanimate objects. People are different. Each young lady I dated had her own take on things, her own personality and her own likes and dislikes. Understanding the basics before dating helps. Meeting the opposite sex is simply meeting another person, nothing more. At first.
 
edwest211 said:
Interesting interpretation. Social skills are taught by parents. When young people are old enough to date, they should know what to do. The practice part occurs before the first date. I can guarantee that if a person is not articulate, does not adjust himself to the person he’s speaking to and have an understanding of civil behavior, you will never see her again.

Baseball involves inanimate objects. People are different. Each young lady I dated had her own take on things, her own personality and her own likes and dislikes. Understanding the basics before dating helps. Meeting the opposite sex is simply meeting another person, nothing more. At first.
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Well, no, I wouldn’t throw someone on a date when he or she doesn’t have the social skills I’d expect of someone their age. Understanding the basics before dating doesn’t just help; it is indispensible!! If you didn’t learn it from your parents–and thank you, Chuck E. Cheese, but too many people did not–you need to learn it before you can hope to be somebody that is going to be successful on dates.

I mean that the confidence that meeting the opposite sex is “simply meeting another person, nothing more” is something learned by experience, at least for most people. Some of us believe that on theory from the very first, but most of us are a bit less self-confident than that or a bit more unrealistic than that until we’ve had some practice.

Remember, this professor is talking about young people whom other researchers would tell us are “hooking up” with acquaintances rather than going on dates. (College students roughly define “hooking up” not as necessarily involving the marital act, but as something that does involve some degree of physical intimacy.) I guess I think it is weird to get to know the opposite sex even that intimately while dispensing with those experiences of intimacy that do not involve anything physical. (Mind you: these hook-ups aren’t considered the beginning of a longer-term relationship, but very likely the prelude to no future contact at all!!)

She is saying it would be better to get back to dating and dispense with the casual “hook ups.”
 
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As someone who doesn’t use online dating, I get out the door. You can pray to the Lord for a spouse, but if you’re not giving Him the opportunity to put one in your path, you’re failing yourself and the Lord can’t help you with that.
 
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