Broaching the "Virginity Talk" in a Relationship

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So, full disclosure, I’ve made some dirtbaggy decisions, and lost my virginity in a bad relationship a few years ago before I turned back to the Church in its entirety. I haven’t done much dating since, but I feel like I’m starting to get to a point where I am able (and willing) to pursue a truly Catholic, God-centered relationship.

I’ve seen a fair amount of discussion on this and other forums about how to deal with finding out your girl/boyfriend/fiancee is not a virgin, but how do you broach the subject if you’re on the other side of that relationship? It’s one of the things that gives me the jitters about trying to seriously pursue a Catholic relationship. Thanks in advance for the help!
 
That used to my opinion, too, but it seems like a lot of people want to know if their partner has a sexual past. Personally, I don’t feel like I need to know about the other person’s, but the more I’ve spoken to people about relationships in general, the less people seem to share that opinion.
 
your first paragraph above is plenty of information for any prospective partner, what more do people really need to know?

I’m in the percentage that does not really want to know the specific details of anyone’s sexual history, unless there is a serious reason, nor do I see the need to bring it up unless someone else asks

I guess this is also going to depend on the person you end up dating, I understand this can be a sticking point for some people, and for others, they can see past it
 
Well, if asked about virginity it only seems decent and fair to give a straight answer. Regarding details is where I can see your point. Fortunately, a refusal to answer is likely an answer in it of itself.
 
The first paragraph would basically be the extent of my statement, honestly. I suppose the best policy would just not to bring it up unless asked.
 
“I have committed sin in the past. I have confessed it and done my penance. Say, did you see blah blah on TV last night?”
 
If asked - just say “I’m not a virgin” and leave it there. You’re not required to give anymore details nor should you be asked for more, and if you are - then just say something like “That’s my past, I’m now chaste and don’t wish to discuss it further” or similar.
 
I think that we should focus more on chastity than on virginity. I think that unless someone has some sort of disease you should let sleeping dogs lie.
 
CatholicBlobfish said:
So, full disclosure, I’ve made some dirtbaggy decisions, and lost my virginity in a bad relationship a few years ago before I turned back to the Church in its entirety. I haven’t done much dating since, but I feel like I’m starting to get to a point where I am able (and willing) to pursue a truly Catholic, God-centered relationship.

I’ve seen a fair amount of discussion on this and other forums about how to deal with finding out your girl/boyfriend/fiancee is not a virgin, but how do you broach the subject if you’re on the other side of that relationship? It’s one of the things that gives me the jitters about trying to seriously pursue a Catholic relationship. Thanks in advance for the help!
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First, there is a good chance that the lady you pursue may also have a “past”.

I agree with those who advise to just give a high-level “No, I’m not a virgin” response when asked. I would, however, advise on getting tested to see if you have an STD.

However, the real test will be if someone you date is a virgin but feels “cheated” (Jason Evert uses a different word in his booklet “Pure Love”, but at least one here on CAF has objected to it on a PC basis). Would you be willing to accept being rejected on that basis? Or, what if you find yourself in competition with a male virgin (yes, they do exist) for the hand of a female virgin?
 
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I wouldn’t rush to bring it up. It should naturally come up in the course of a relationship. I had the same issue and it became something of a point of contention in our relationship. I had made some stupid decisions in my life and she had remained a virgin.
We’re married nearly four years now, and it never comes up. My wife sometimes even says she doesn’t know why she made such a big deal out of “my past” before we were married and has occasionally expressed that she is sorry if she took it too much to heart.
What I would say is don’t be afraid that it will ruin a future relationship with a Catholic lady. It might, it’s always possible you will meet one of those people who is full of pride that they have never fallen in this area and is not prepared to give a chance to someone who has. In any case, that is their issue. It is more likely that they will simply get over it and see the person you are, despite past mistakes.

Also, this is something that could cause hurt and upset in a relationship. But the more time passes, the more irrelevant it becomes. What you should be prepared to do, especially if your future bride is a virgin, is to reassure her that she is the only one who occupies your thoughts now.
 
@Norseman82 I do plan on getting tested at some point, yeah. I mean, I can’t exactly not accept being rejected on that basis, it’s a perfectly valid reason if she feels strongly about it. If it came down to be and a male virgin, that’s also her choice to make. For obvious reasons, I’m not a stickler about virginity as long as the woman is chaste now, but some people have different opinions.

@AdamP88 Yeah, definitely not planning on rushing it, but I am a little worried about potential contention. I guess I’ll just have to burn that bridge when I come to it and hope for the best.
 
CatholicBlobfish said:
Yeah, definitely not planning on rushing it, but I am a little worried about potential contention. I guess I’ll just have to burn that bridge when I come to it and hope for the best.
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Yeah. I can understand that. Its a valid concern. But I actually think it’s more common for a guy to reject a woman on the basis of not being a virgin than vice-versa. Not saying that’s a good thing, but I think women get upset about it in different ways from men. And they can be reassured. In my experience the guys who get bent out of shape about it really make it a sticking point and it becomes a kind of spoiled property thing. Just my observation.

Anyway, if the relationship is healthy and the woman genuinely loves you for the person you are, I think it’s likely they’d just get over it. Otherwise, much as it might hurt at the time, you’re probably dodging a bullet.
Bottom line: It’s probably a bigger deal in your head right now than it will ever be in reality.
 
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