Brokenheart and no faith

  • Thread starter Thread starter MetWife
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

MetWife

Guest
I have been married for 6 years and it’s been bad. My husband has not shown me love or compassion when i have needed him most and he has hurt me verbally and physically. I have “worked” hard to cope with this, and after begging him to get help, to explain why he treated me this way, he refused to take responsiblity. So, I have spent a great deal of time praying for him, for us…with no change. THenI began to work on getting my self independant, closing off my heart so that I would be able to leave him. Then the day finally came, and I couldnt do it. Now he is saying he’s better an dhe has changed. But, now, I just dont love him the way I should. I dont see him as the man who will be there to love and take care of me. I feel like he and I are strangers. I do not trust him. WHen i think of past events and how upset he is now over me wanting to leave him, I get angry adn think to myself HOW DARE YOU ask me to be loving and compassionate and christian in this situation after the hurt you put me through. I dont know what to do. But I know I can’t imagine having a husband wife relationship with a man who has treated me badly. I know there are loving, tender and gently christian men out there who would appreciate me. Is that so wrong? I dont know what to do. I though he was a gift from God when we married. It was profound. but this life since marriage has destroyed me inside. I want to leave, but my guilt wont let me.
 
Why do you feel guilty? Because he says he’s changed and you really don’t believe him? Or because your feelings have changed?

Either way, your feelings are not ‘wrong’.

How long has he been ‘better’? Since you said you wanted to leave?
 
Yes, its just been since he believed I would really leave.

Now, facing my leaving, he is showing me behavior that is of a loving husband (its been a few months of off again on a again changrs with more threats from me about leaving. now i think he believes me, and he’s really stepped it up) That is where my guilt comes in. Now, I’m cold to him. I dont want to relax and feel love for him again. I dont want to risk being hurt again. I just dont want this life with him. But I do…Love him…in that I cant bear the thought of hurting him. Isnt that insane? My guilt is that i dont want to be married to him. I can pretend for the sake of not having to hurt him. Its very very confusing to me how i feel.
 
Sheeniac wisely asks you to clarify your reasons and what is really happening with you both. Did you not go because of some vague hope he might truly change, or because you are afraid of change? You say guilt…I don’t think that’s a clear enough answer to help you towards decision…is it because you’re Catholic, or because of his feelings, or is it fear of making a mistake?

In response to abuse or unlove, one does become bruised inside, but yes, it’s right to face the fact that you are really angry and really resentful.
From what you say there appears to be much cause for that.
It’s healthy to acknowledge one’s anger and hurt, but not to hang on to it or you will take the accumulated anger with you and it will ruin your life anyway.

Of course you don’t feel the same way. You’re not ‘in- love’ with him any more, though mostly "in love with’ which isn’t in the bible, should often be translated as “attracted to”. You’re certainly not attracted to him any more.

But love, love is a different thing, which we find out in we read the gospel and the letters of the evangelists. Love doesn’t even have to have anything to do with feelings but with decisions. Hopefully it does always involve warm feelings, but abuse tends to kill the feelings.

That still leaves you with the choices.
That’s what you’re faced with, the choice to love genuinely and in the spirit of God to give him another chance on the maybe, and even probably unlikely, hope he will in fact treat you with love and respect. You naturally doubt this. So the question is can gospel love allow you to give him the chance…or do you feel the unequivocal need to escape the marriage.

Anyhow, you poor girl, I’ll keep you in my prayers
 
MetWife said:
Yes, its just been since he believed I would really leave.

Now, facing my leaving, he is showing me behavior that is of a loving husband (its been a few months of off again on a again changrs with more threats from me about leaving. now i think he believes me, and he’s really stepped it up) That is where my guilt comes in. Now, I’m cold to him. I dont want to relax and feel love for him again. I dont want to risk being hurt again. I just dont want this life with him. But I do…Love him…in that I cant bear the thought of hurting him. Isnt that insane? My guilt is that i dont want to be married to him. I can pretend for the sake of not having to hurt him. Its very very confusing to me how i feel.
Click to expand...
Pretending for the sake of not hurting him doesn’t always work for long. You need the healing of the hurt and anger or it will come out anyway.
I understand that you don’t want to make yourself vulnerable again.

When people bargain for love and for their partner to stay, it’s hard to trust that, because we are aware that the person is bargaining with us and we don’t know that the change of heart will last past our relaxing into the relationship again.

Your husband has issues he’s not dealing with in a healthy way. Lack of respect, and abuse, indicate that all is not balanced and right within himself. The problems could be from his upbringing, his lack of self-esteem (so he crashes down on you) or it could be he’s selfish or immature.

I don’t know if you understand what’s behind his treatment of you, but something is. He wants you to stay…but he needs to grow. It’s not enough for you to stay. He does need to look into himself radically too. Both of you may need counselling if possible, at least to discover what the dynamics operating in your relationship really are and if it has hope. You yourself may help to contribute to the dynamic in a way that doesn’t work in your mutual best interests, who knows. But my concern is that you are suffering badly and are dealing with a very painful dilemma, so I’m trying just to help you clarify things to yourself.
 
I could be your husband, and in fact, after I read this, I called my wife (I’m away on business) and asked her if she posted this. She said she didn’t, but seeing your latest reply and your username (metwife–I’m a meteorologist), I’m still not sure it’s not her (you–I’m not sure what pronoun to use!). What’s even weirder is that I just posted something for the first time giving “my side” of a similar story.

But, assuming this is one of the largest coincidences I’ve ever experienced, let me tell you what I told my wife. I understand her feelings completely that the changes I’ve made may be a show or are temporary. I don’t get anymore chances. If the changes I’ve made in my heart are genuine, then my behaviors won’t resurface. I’ve been seeing a counselor to help me work through my issues–is your husband doing that?
 
sb32 said:
I could be your husband, and in fact, after I read this, I called my wife (I’m away on business) and asked her if she posted this. She said she didn’t, but seeing your latest reply and your username (metwife–I’m a meteorologist), I’m still not sure it’s not her (you–I’m not sure what pronoun to use!). What’s even weirder is that I just posted something for the first time giving “my side” of a similar story.

But, assuming this is one of the largest coincidences I’ve ever experienced, let me tell you what I told my wife. I understand her feelings completely that the changes I’ve made may be a show or are temporary. I don’t get anymore chances. If the changes I’ve made in my heart are genuine, then my behaviors won’t resurface. I’ve been seeing a counselor to help me work through my issues–is your husband doing that?
Click to expand...
🍿 🍿 🍿

OK I know this is serious, but it’s also quite interesting. Wouldn’t that be something if you two are married?

God Bless both of you in your journeys.
 
Ok. Well. I really am sb32’s wife. And I lied that I wasnt becuase i felt so bad that he had to read what I had posted. But I guess lying even to protect somebody from pain is terrible isn’t it because it prevents us from really understanding the problem. I have a BIG problem with this. Maybe I need prayer for the courage to be honest even when I know it might cause pain. 😦 Thanks for everybody who gave me advice. I dont know what to do, but my husband and I will try to figure it out and pray together.

Sorry I lied on a public Catholic Forum.
 
When people bargain for love and for their partner to stay, it’s hard to trust that, because we are aware that the person is bargaining with us and we don’t know that the change of heart will last past our relaxing into the relationship again.
Click to expand...
Trishie’s right, as usual.
If the changes I’ve made in my heart are genuine, then my behaviors won’t resurface.
Click to expand...
And it will take quite a bit of time to prove this, both to yourself, and to your wife.

Rebuilding trust takes a lot of patience on both sides. I heard somewhere that it takes about twice as long to rebuild trust as it did to lose it.

So, hopefully the squall line has passed, the cold front is moving on, and a strong high pressure system will settle in right over you - and stay.

God bless you with CAVU!

Ruthie, the retired pilot weather briefer
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top