Brother living in sin invites you to dinner. Do you go?

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This thread is a year and a half old. Did someone revive it for a particular reason?
 
Galnextdoor said:
This thread is a year and a half old. Did someone revive it for a particular reason?
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It was someone that appears to be new to the forums (2 posts so far). This is an EASY mistake for a newbie to do, I know I did it a few times. They are browsing the forums and find one they want to respond to but don’t think to look at the date.

I wonder if he ever went??? 😛
 
howletus said:
So my older brother is now divorced. He was married in the church and no annulment. He is now living with the girl he carried on an 8 month affair with while his wife was home with their 13 month old daughter and pregnant with his second daughter. He knows where I stand. He seems more concerned with me than God. He says he talked to a priest. They are living together as brother and sister for financial reasons. His girlfriend like the woman he married before her is going through the RCIA program. Not sure where this is coming from. He invited the family to dinner at their new place. I am the only one in a Catholic family of 6 that has made the effort to learn about his faith. I understand why this is wrong. I know what this living situation will lead to. I know the bad example he is setting for his daughters. I know the wedge he is putting between him and the mother of his children.
I know and I don’t feel right going. Because he doesn’t understand, I think if I say I can’t go he would think I am crazy.
“Yeah, it’s wrong to live in sin but come on”. This is what he would be thinking. I know where he’s coming from because I’ve been there. Not any more. It amazes me and sometimes scares me how acceptable all this is, even among Catholics, and how contradictory this is to the way we are called to live. We all know the 10 commandments but it’s just not real when it ends at rules. Bottom line. I don’t want to go.

Advice/throughts please…
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I haven’t read all the responses yet, but my choice would be to get the event moved elsewhere - another relative’s home, a resturaunt, something like that. Then the entire family can be together without having to witness the infidelity and sinfulness of your brother’s lifestyle. If you can’t get agreement from others on moving the event, I would probably abstain from the event and if I felt the need, offer an alternative date for the family to get together in my home, or a resturaunt, etc.

I would also be very careful to ensure that your ex-sister-in-law and her children do not feel betrayed by you or your family for your observed complicity and acceptance of your brother’s lifestyle. Don’t necessarily invite both groups at the same time, but make sure that you include the children & sister-in-law in events as well and show your support for her (hopeful) steadfastness of the situation.

From your post, there is no annulment either, so technically, even if they are living as brother & sister, he is still married to his former wife. At the very least, his situation is creating scandal to the community. If the current girlfriend is attending RCIA there is going to have to be some sort of reckoning with the previous marriage situation.

In a vindictive kind of way I’d politely decline his invitation to his home & instead invite his former wife & children to my home for dinner on that same night. Of course, that would only work if you like and agree with the former wife on this issue. It may raise some hurt feelings from your brother, but that could actually bring some issues to the fore-front so you can discuss the situation, how you feel, and what the Church teaches.

Good luck!
 
Dacinom said:
I would be warm and kind to your brother and his girlfriend but I would not go into their home. Do you have children? I will not let my children attend an event at a home where people are “living together” if I can help it.

I had a sister living like this. I never went to visit her because it put me in a spot. She would have wanted to show me around their apartment and I would have been cornered into making comments like “this is a nice place” or “you have a nice view” or (God forbid) “I love your bedroom”. It is not so much that I wanted to outcast her, but visiting her put me in a position to have to be polite and act like I was happy she was living in sin. This is something I couldn’t do. Also, I couldn’t go to her home and lecture her about evil either so I stayed away.

Here is what I did. When she invited me I always smiled politely and said I was sorry I couldn’t make it. This was the truth. I tried to be kind about it without lecturing. I guess if she ever had really pushed me into why I never came I would have had to fess up, but that never happened.

You have another unique circumstance and a few twists. This woman broke up a marriage with children. This is awful. On the other hand she is going thru RCIA and they claim to be living as brother and sister and I hope this is true.

You may consider what I did. Just politely smile and say you are so very, very sorry you can’t make it. This is true, you are very sorry that you can’t go. Or else you can make other plans and tell him you have other plans. This is perhaps a little sneaky but at least then you won’t be lying/sinning by saying it. then you are off the hook without lying, feeling pressure or hurting his feelings and causing an arguement.

Hope this is useful for you. You are in my prayers.
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That’s really good advice, but what to say when the brother asks, “What night is good for you?”?
 
howletus said:
So my older brother is now divorced. He was married in the church and no annulment. He is now living with the girl he carried on an 8 month affair with while his wife was home with their 13 month old daughter and pregnant with his second daughter. He knows where I stand. He seems more concerned with me than God. He says he talked to a priest. They are living together as brother and sister for financial reasons. His girlfriend like the woman he married before her is going through the RCIA program. Not sure where this is coming from. He invited the family to dinner at their new place. I am the only one in a Catholic family of 6 that has made the effort to learn about his faith. I understand why this is wrong. I know what this living situation will lead to. I know the bad example he is setting for his daughters. I know the wedge he is putting between him and the mother of his children.
I know and I don’t feel right going. Because he doesn’t understand, I think if I say I can’t go he would think I am crazy.
“Yeah, it’s wrong to live in sin but come on”. This is what he would be thinking. I know where he’s coming from because I’ve been there. Not any more. It amazes me and sometimes scares me how acceptable all this is, even among Catholics, and how contradictory this is to the way we are called to live. We all know the 10 commandments but it’s just not real when it ends at rules. Bottom line. I don’t want to go.

Advice/throughts please…
Click to expand...
I think its okay that you dont wanna go. Tell him that you and him are family by the will of God, so you will love him till the end, but that you will not socialise with his mistress and stand by his sinful choices as if nothing happend. Tell him to repent.

You might think this sounds harsh. But I think the isolation and dissaproval will get him thinking, while if everyone accepts his behaviour he might well end up dying in sin.

A friend of mine was living in sin when she started to attend the Catholic church and reverted to it. One day at the beginning the priest denied her the Sacraments. he said she needed to get her life sorted out before she could receive them. this was the turning point in her life. She saw she could not have it all. She was forced to reflect and to make a decision. She chose God and now she is a great servant in her parish.

Peace to you.
 
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