Brother living with Girlfriend

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Corinne

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:confused: I just found out from my parents that my younger brother, who is only 19 years old, is moving out of my parents’ house and into an apartment with his girlfriend this weekend. I am really distraught over this, both by the fact that he would do that and the fact that my parents, while “not thrilled by it”, aren’t doing anything to try and stop it. I am a convert to Catholicism, and my family is not Catholic, so appealing to Catholic morals means nothing to them. In fact, my parents told me I need to not be judgemental.

I’m 24 years old and married. My husband and I offered to have my brother live with us because it seemed that he just wanted out of the house and to be more independent. He declined the offer when we said that we wouldn’t let his girlfriend spend the night (even while living under my parents’ roof, he has spent the night at his girlfriend’s house). I’ve also pushed for him to go away to college and live in a dorm. He barely got through high school, though, and he is taking a few college classes at the local junior college, but he has no interest in going to a state school or anything like that. My husband and I have also tossed around the idea of offering to pay for my brother’s girlfriend to get her own apartment, but I don’t think they are going to be living together for financial reasons, so I don’t think that will help.

I’m completely distraught over this whole thing. My parents say that if I don’t accept it without judging that I’m going to lose any relationship that I have with my brother, and it’s going to be hard on my relationship with my parents as well. I’m a strong believer that this is wrong and I hate to see my own family living like they are on MTV, so I’m never going to accept this.

My latest concern is that my parents are going to financially support this decision of my brother’s because he and his girlfriend don’t have much money and it won’t be long before they run into debt. My parents might not go as far as paying for the bills, but I can definitely see my mother buying them things for the apartment that they need, buying them food, and all of that.

This hurts me so much because I love my family very much and don’t want to see this happen. I feel like I have exhausted everything that I can possibly do, and if I keep fighting it that I’ll just lose my family entirely. At the same time, I feel like I wouldn’t be a moral person if I just stopped caring about it.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Do you have any advice?

Thanks for reading my little rant… it helps just to write it out and know that other people might understand me…
 
It sounds like there’s not much you can do. If your parents are going along with it (and there really isn’t much they could do to stop it), then it’s unlikely you’ll be able to talk him out of it.
 
It sounds like your brother is deciding to live with his girlfriend based on “hormone” reasons, giving no thought to the consequences of his actions.

He, (although not acting like it) is an adult, and other then pray and be a positive witness, there is not much you can do.

The more you challenge your brother on his “living situation”, the further away you may push him. NOT GOOD.
 
I’m the only one among myself and my friends who has never lived with a girlfriend/boyfriend or at least considered it. I’m frankly amazed at the casualness with which people take that step for granted. (I’m 36, for what it’s worth.)

As far as being “judgemental” is concerned, it’s clear that your parents don’t grasp the difference between judging the rightness, prudence, or wisdom of an ACTION versus judging the state of someone else’s SOUL. Only God can do the latter; we cannot avoid the former.

Scullinius
 
Corinne–You need to accept that your influence over the situation is unfortunately very limited. I believe that you are right and that your parents, your brother, and his girlfriend are all wrong. But you can’t change any of their behaviors–only they can. Pray. Decide what you want to say to each of them. But recognize that not only will they not change, they probably will not acknowledge that you are right. (To acknowledge that you are right, would be to concede that they are wrong.) So accept that someday all of them may view things differently and wish they had behaved differently. Remember, God is forgiving–though He would prefer that we didn’t sin first and then later ask for forgiveness. Keep praying but stand firm for your own values and faith. You obviously care about your family or you wouldn’t be so distressed. God bless.
 
Unfortunately, you are put in an uncomfortable no win situation as far as “family relations” are concerned. at least until your brother “grows up”.

My husbands children, all 5, have lived with significant others. Three married their live-in partner (shack-up, according to Dr. Laura) . These are not happy marriages!! One daughter is still living with a man she calls her “boyfriend” after 18 years. She had a baby with him, another with a boyfriend she dated while she and her current "boyfriend were on the “outs”. So, they are raising 2 children only somewhat “together”. She and her son have her last name, he and their daughter have his last name. Discipline is a huge problem in their household. They don’t marry because they are not ready to “commit” themselves. This daughter has never invited us to their house for dinner and only comes here when she feels she really has to. Why?? She told me that she knows what my morals and beliefs are and that makes both her and her “boyfriend” very uncomfortable. In fact all her brothers and sisters feel uncomfortable coming into a home where grace is said before meals and well read Bible is on the coffee table.

We continue to invite all the family and encourage marriage and prayer in subtle ways. We don’t preach. Since the children expect us to, I think it upsets them that we don’t! It is called "reverse snobery"I think. They let us know that they don’t agree with our religion in no uncertain terms, we smile and say grace.
(They not only don’t want their dad to be Catholic, most don’t accept the idea of a God.)

Will I change my morals to accomodate these family members??? NO!! I would rather be respected for standing firm in my beliefs than to “fit in” or be “loved”. My husband is a convert to the Catholic Church. At one time he would have acted like your parents, accepting any and all behavior so they will be “loved”. It has been difficult changing his behavior. He is having problems with his children because of his beliefs. We both know that we have to show good example, we must be the light that shines for our families to see and follow.

I suggest that you treat your brother and his shack-up with kindness at family gatherings, ect. Do not go to their apartment and do not have them stay over night at your house.You are right about the difference in the loosely used word, “judge”. This word has been used on me by my 5 step children. (I have 5 of my own who would not dream of co-habitating without the benefit of marriage and agree with my husband and my self on moral issues.)

As for your parents helping your brother financially or with food, etc.,— It really is their business how they use their money and you cannot dictate that. Too bad that they don’t know that they are not helping your brother by their permissiveness. Stand by and watch and see. Soon they will become tired of being used and
will come crying to who ever will listen as to how they are being used and unappreciated. Just smile!!!

Pray for all your family every day. If you have children make sure they know that this is unacceptable behavior.

God bless for your concern—and great “judgement”!!!

Mom of 5 (step mom to another 5)
 
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Scullinius:
As far as being “judgemental” is concerned, it’s clear that your parents don’t grasp the difference between judging the rightness, prudence, or wisdom of an ACTION versus judging the state of someone else’s SOUL. Only God can do the latter; we cannot avoid the former.
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How true this is! When it comes to ACTIONS, we need more judmentalism, not less. Can anyone raise children without being ‘judgmental?’ They expect it of you. Otherwise how will they know right from wrong?
 
Corinne said:
:confused: I just found out from my parents that my younger brother, who is only 19 years old, is moving out of my parents’ house and into an apartment with his girlfriend this weekend. I am really distraught over this, both by the fact that he would do that and the fact that my parents, while “not thrilled by it”, aren’t doing anything to try and stop it. I am a convert to Catholicism, and my family is not Catholic, so appealing to Catholic morals means nothing to them. In fact, my parents told me I need to not be judgemental.
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I am a Mom to three, raised in Catholic schools through High School, by a mom who lives her Faith completely, which I won’t go into. My kids are all now adult, and know I do not condone cohabitation of anyone not married.

There is no perfect world. In a perfect world, our kids would always listen to us when they reach adulthood about right and wrong, but …there are many outside influences that fight our teaching and example, and Scripture clearly tells us that our battle is NOT flesh and blood, but the servants of darkness… principalites and powers, etc. Some, Scripture says, leave only with prayer and fasting.

My children had two examples to follow, mine, and their Dad’s, due to unilateral divorce. They saw their Dad choose to cohabitate (and had to visit while this was occuring) and marry outside the Church without going through the annulment process. They also see it all around them, with MANY of their good Catholic friends from HS doing the same thing.

All three chose to cohabitate, and beginning with the oldest, I told them, as a couple that this was wrong, and why. I then also told them that they were welcome at my home anytime, that they could call anytime, that we could go out to eat, etc anytime, shopping anytime, etc, but… until they were married, I would not/could not enter their apartments, and take a ‘tour’ of where they lived and violated the Commandments that they were taught as children. I told them each several times in that conversation that I love them, but did not do this myself, therefore, could not accept it. They understood. By the time the third one chose the same path, HE told his gf what I would say…and her response was… she is like my mom… my mom will probably say/do the same thing.

I have been told that I will drive my kids away by taking this stand. Not true. We are and always will be close. They know that I love them. They know that I live what I have taught them.

We see each other very often. I continue to pray them back to the Church completely, as I do for their Dad.

Honesty is the most important thing, but with it is LIVING what you preach. And Unconditional love…not for the sin, but the sinners. Loving your brother, while taking a stand that YOU can live with is the key to not losing him. And that is also the way that you show that you are not ‘judging’ him, but what he is doing.

That verse of Scripture is SOOO badly used today, and it is used in error, to try to force us into relativism and secularism. We are not condemning anyone. But we are called to judge sin. One of the Corporal/Spiritual Acts of MERCY is to admonish the sinner. Jesus ate with sinners… yes, and He loved sinners…but He asked them to sin no more, also. He did NOT condone and accept the sin, just the person.

Pray, hope and don’t worry is what St Pio said. Talk to him about your brother, too. Pray about what you need to do, then stand firmly, but lovingly. God bless!
 
Just set a good example. Whatever you do, don’t be confrontational with them. I lived together with my wife a number of years before our marriage. We had some evangelical Christian friends who confronted us and said we were “living in sin,” even though they had lived together before their marriage. Needless to say, they have divorced and the man, a former deacon in an evangelical church, is now an active homosexual and is a miltant atheist.

In other words, don’t be too quick to judge them. Be there for them and when the time is right, if they are truly concerned about the things of God, they will come around. If not, then you’ll simply have to accept their choices in life just as God accepts, and does not prohibit you for making yours.
 
We sound like we have the same life, almost. My younger brother has been dating his girlfriend for over a year. She’s a nice girl, and I like her, but they both need to grow in maturity a bit and both consider themselves to be fully mature.

My brother has difficulties getting along with my mother, especially after my parents divorced a few years ago. He hasn’t wanted to live at home for a long time, and he moved in with his girlfriend over the summer when he was 20 (I’m 23). It was supposed to be just for the summer until they went back to school in the fall. I made it very clear to my brother that I did not approve, that I did not think he was ready and that I believe no one should live together before marriage. My mother did the same. He did listen, but he still did what he wanted.

After the fall semester, my brother and his girlfriend decided they wanted to live together again. My brother actually came to me and asked me for my opinion. I told him what I did before, and I have shown through my example that I would never cohabit. I have been dating my boyfriend almost as long as my brother has dated his girlfriend, and my brother knows we are chaste and plan to marry each other. He re-moved in with his girlfriend in January.

He does not have the Catholic moral teaching either. We were both baptized, and I received First Communion and Confirmation last Easter after taking RCIA, but my brother seems to have no plans to do the same. He doesn’t understand that there are reasons he shouldn’t do whatever he wants. I’ve encouraged him to come to Mass and my mother has also since she started going again last year. He comes sporadically.

I don’t know what else I can do for my brother. I have supported him, shown him what I believe is right and told him about what I believe is right. I will continue to do the same, but I cannot make this choice for him.

I guess as far as your situation goes, I have to say, “Good for you!” I am so glad to hear that, despite your family discounting your concerns, you voiced them. My advice is “don’t stop.” Now, I don’t mean be pushy and spend every moment criticizing your brother’s decision. Of course you want to accept your brother, but this doesn’t mean you have to accept all of his decisions. Let him know where you stand and that this is one decision you do not support. If you can do it in a way that’s not angry, pushy nor apologetic, I’ll bet he’s listening even if he doesn’t change his mind.

I’ll say a prayer for you. God bless, and pm me if you want.
 
It sounds like many people have dealt with similar situations before. It is such a shame that this kind of problem is so prevalent these days.

Well, I currently have no way to contact my brother. He doesn’t have a phone and I don’t know his new address. I told my parents to give him my phone number in case he didn’t know it. They said he probably won’t call me because he knows (without me saying anything) how I feel about this. Hopefully the initial craziness of this all will just go away and he’ll eventually call me. I don’t live in the same city as him, so that makes it a little harder.

My parents told me how much my brother is going to be paying in rent, and it is very close to the same amount that he makes each month at his job (assuming he quits going to school and starts working full time like he plans to do). Apparently there are already problems where his girlfriend couldn’t pay her half of the first month’s rent. So, he’s quickly going to dig himself into a hole. He’s also letting her use his car and paying for all kinds of things for her. His rent costs the same as my monthly house payment, and my husband and I make about 5 times as much as he and his girlfriend make, so I can’t imagine how this will ever work. I’m hoping that he’ll realize that not only is that terrible for moral reasons, but it also doesn’t make sense financially. While I know that he’s not completely innocent, it seems very much that he’s “under her spell” right now.

Thank you all for the support and the advice. I hope that this works out okay. I just want to see him have a happy life and a happy soul, and I know this isn’t the path toward either of those.
 
Dear Friend “Corrine” –

I would simply point out to your dear brother that he is not doing it God’s way, and that one day he might seriously pay the consequences for it as well. Tell him you love him, but that you believe his “relationship” will go no where unless it is a relationship that is ordained by God. Then simply step out of it.

Show him the Christian you are, being charitable, and loving at all costs, welcoming the girlfriend all the same, showing Christ’s love to her. And being an example of course with your life, with your husband and your marriage and your family.

Remember, many need to see our examples before they’ll listen.
 
Sounds like a sure path to downward mobility both financially and spiritually. I will pray for this situation.
 
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