Brother who spread lies wants to be in my life

[DaisymaeD]

Okay, so here’s the deal. My brother spread a very ugly lie about me to members of my family. Some people believed him, some people didn’t. It never got back to my husband or children, but I’m not sure how far it spread. My brother believes he was doing me a favor by “getting the truth out into the open”. This was several years ago.

Well, now he wants a closer relationship with me, thinks that brothers and sisters should socialize, and stuff. We do see each other at family parties, etc. (which are a little of an ordeal for me, knowing some people there are wondering if his lie was true). he lives about an hour away, so distance isn’t the deal-breaker in the scenario. I think he’s trying to force the issue right now because a couple people in our family got terminal diagnoses in the last few months, and our family circle will be getting smaller in the near future.

Basically, I don’t want to be around someone who makes up stories about me. He also has become very antiCatholic, and loves to declare his newfound enlightenment on Facebook. He also has a really poor filter and doesn’t understand what topics are okay to bring up in social situations and what is better off shared privately with one or two close friends.

In an ideal world, I would just say to him, “I don’t want to hang around you because you told a lie about me.” But if I really said that, he would tell me he was not lying, he said it for my own good, etc.

Any thoughts? And as always, prayers gratefully welcome.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I had to cut ties with my brother because of his abuse. I don’t think your brother deserves an explanation. I would just ignore him. The only time I will go to a family function if I know my brother will be there is a funeral

 

[Christy_Beth]

I agree. Now, if he were to apologize and all that, I might consider it. But since he appears to be unrepentant, it’s a no-go for sure.

 

[Trishie]

A sense of guilt that families should be close is far from the only consideration.

He had no respect for your reputation, feelings. or family relationships, and this apparently hasn’t changed if he still forces his mistaken beliefs, eg, anti-Catholic beliefs, on others. Your reputation with your own family, and matters of faith in your family, are probably at risk with more contact with him. You cannot trust him.

Awkward and uncomfortable though it is, to accept his request could have detrimental outcomes to your family relationships and faith. It appears that you already treat him with ordinary courtesy on those occasions that you must encounter each other.

May God bless, protect, and guide your family.
And may God bless your brother with the graces he needs.

 

[agnes_therese]

In an ideal world, I would just say to him, “I don’t want to hang around you because you told a lie about me.” But if I really said that, he would tell me he was not lying, he said it for my own good, etc.

But it’s the truth, so say it anyway. If he does come back with that response, just tell him that you both know that it was a lie, and there will be no relationship until and unless he admits it to you and to those he told.

And then stick to it.

 

[Xantippe]

But it’s the truth, so say it anyway. If he does come back with that response, just tell him that you both know that it was a lie, and there will be no relationship until and unless he admits it to you and to those he told.

And then stick to it.

Or, “I don’t want to socialize with somebody who believes I am capable of XYZ.”

 

[tawny]

Okay, so here’s the deal. My brother spread a very ugly lie about me to members of my family. Some people believed him, some people didn’t. It never got back to my husband or children, but I’m not sure how far it spread. My brother believes he was doing me a favor by “getting the truth out into the open”. This was several years ago.

Well, now he wants a closer relationship with me, thinks that brothers and sisters should socialize, and stuff. We do see each other at family parties, etc. (which are a little of an ordeal for me, knowing some people there are wondering if his lie was true). he lives about an hour away, so distance isn’t the deal-breaker in the scenario. I think he’s trying to force the issue right now because a couple people in our family got terminal diagnoses in the last few months, and our family circle will be getting smaller in the near future.

Basically, I don’t want to be around someone who makes up stories about me. He also has become very antiCatholic, and loves to declare his newfound enlightenment on Facebook. He also has a really poor filter and doesn’t understand what topics are okay to bring up in social situations and what is better off shared privately with one or two close friends.

In an ideal world, I would just say to him, “I don’t want to hang around you because you told a lie about me.” But if I really said that, he would tell me he was not lying, he said it for my own good, etc.

Any thoughts? And as always, prayers gratefully welcome.

Praying for your intentions.

 

[pewvivace]

In an ideal world, I would just say to him, “I don’t want to hang around you because you told a lie about me.” But if I really said that, he would tell me he was not lying, he said it for my own good, etc.

But does he still believe that? Can you convince him he was wrong? Or was it true after all?
Maybe the two of you should forget about it now. When relatives are ill it may be a good occasion to reconcile…

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

I have trouble with boundaries myself, so please take this with a large grain of salt.

Perhaps you could decide what’s close enough - like going out to lunch once a month or so for not more than an hour - then tell him this is all you can do at the time. And place limits on the subject matter. And pray for him.

If this is too close, then the boundary can be pushed back. And continue to pray for him.

I do know that mercy will be shown us to the extent that we show mercy, but that doesn’t mean we have to be doormats.

I’m still unable to speak to one of my relatives - I’ve been sending gifts and cards sporadically - but I can’t speak to them on the phone and have been screening my calls because I have major depression and can’t afford verbal abuse when I can avoid it.

It also doesn’t help to tolerate bad behavior in anyone. It doesn’t do them any favors, neither them nor you.

That’s all I know right now. Please take or leave as you see fit.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this with your brother.

Placing both you and your brother in the enclosed garden of the most sacred heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

God bless you.

Any thoughts? And as always, prayers gratefully welcome.

 

[EasterJoy]

In an ideal world, I would just say to him, “I don’t want to hang around you because you told a lie about me.” But if I really said that, he would tell me he was not lying, he said it for my own good, etc.

Any thoughts?..

Well, you do not know what he would say. You are guessing. I think you will have a hard time being around him until you tell him:
a) It was a bald-faced lie, I know it, you know it, and it is still a lie no matter how often you repeat it.
b) If it had been true, it would still be arrogant of you to decide who in the family it is your job to “out” about their secrets.
c) It hurt my reputation for you to tell it, which would still be wrong even it if had been true, but is wrong ten times over because it wasn’t true.
d) There is no statute of limitations on the crime of taking a wrecking ball to someone else’s reputation and telling vicious stories behind their back that you won’t say to their face. How is it that you want to reconcile with no mention of this offense or any regrets you have for committing it? How do I know you won’t do something similar “for my good,” which you know better than I do, apparently?
e) You are an enemy of my faith, and not shy to say so. Why do you want to have a relationship? Because I’m your sister? That might be true if you showed me the respect due to an adult sibling, but you don’t.

See what he says. If he has no repentance even for taking your reputation into his hands, I think you can say, “Well, that is a very serious stance to take, because I can’t trust someone who operates in the manner that you are defending as not only permissible but as good and right. What kind of relationship can we have, if we don’t have trust? Not much.” Agree to tolerate him at family functions, but think twice about the biting of your tongue that you’re going to have to do in order to give him more opportunities to flap his tongue without any repercussions. What reason could you have for doing that?

 

[mrsjennymulhall]

This is a tough one…

I have had similar troubles with two of my three brothers. One was physically abusive when I lived at home, the other asked for a large loan and then simply refused to pay it back. Another never misses an opportunity to mock my faith!

In the case of the abusive brother; it took for me to move from the home place and mature a bit to see his situation. I was academic; he dyslexic. I was resentful at Mum’s (very Irish!) preferential treatment of her sons. We sparked and he got physical.

With the loan brother; I cried, I was angry and then I paid the loan back myself and forgot about it. No amount of money can replace a brother. Yes; it still burns me; I was a single mother at the time but I never mention it and deflect if it comes up.

To my atheist brother, I try to be a good example of a Catholic. This is the hardest of all!! When he sends me certain FB links or we have a ‘debate’ (read; unfounded diatribe) I try to answer with love and sincerity but I know that my actions weight ten times that of my words. The recent lies about the Mother and Baby home in Tuam were horrendous.

I am telling you all of this to show you that I know very well how a brother can hurt you before I give you my advice. Forgive your brother. Put the lie behind you as best you can. It is his sin; not yours and if people believe every word of it; it still doesn’t make it true! Cultivate a relationship with him to the point where you can discuss this lie and formally forgive him. It obviously still burns your heart and only forgiveness will sooth the hurting.

As to the anti-Catholicism; ah! I am struggling with this one myself! It is not necessary to be a theologian; if you don’t know the answer to a question; tell him you’ll find out! Your faith will grow in response to his rough pruning, I promise you!

Lastly; none of this is easy. Your heart has broken and I understand how hard my advice is. I know it! However; you deserve the balm of forgiving as much as he needs forgiveness. Good luck, my dear - I will pray especially for your guidance in this matter. x

 

[Groo]

This is a tough one…

I have had similar troubles with two of my three brothers. One was physically abusive when I lived at home, the other asked for a large loan and then simply refused to pay it back. Another never misses an opportunity to mock my faith!

In the case of the abusive brother; it took for me to move from the home place and mature a bit to see his situation. I was academic; he dyslexic. I was resentful at Mum’s (very Irish!) preferential treatment of her sons. We sparked and he got physical.

With the loan brother; I cried, I was angry and then I paid the loan back myself and forgot about it. No amount of money can replace a brother. Yes; it still burns me; I was a single mother at the time but I never mention it and deflect if it comes up.

To my atheist brother, I try to be a good example of a Catholic. This is the hardest of all!! When he sends me certain FB links or we have a ‘debate’ (read; unfounded diatribe) I try to answer with love and sincerity but I know that my actions weight ten times that of my words. The recent lies about the Mother and Baby home in Tuam were horrendous.

I am telling you all of this to show you that I know very well how a brother can hurt you before I give you my advice. Forgive your brother. Put the lie behind you as best you can. It is his sin; not yours and if people believe every word of it; it still doesn’t make it true! Cultivate a relationship with him to the point where you can discuss this lie and formally forgive him. It obviously still burns your heart and only forgiveness will sooth the hurting.

As to the anti-Catholicism; ah! I am struggling with this one myself! It is not necessary to be a theologian; if you don’t know the answer to a question; tell him you’ll find out! Your faith will grow in response to his rough pruning, I promise you!

Lastly; none of this is easy. Your heart has broken and I understand how hard my advice is. I know it! However; you deserve the balm of forgiving as much as he needs forgiveness. Good luck, my dear - I will pray especially for your guidance in this matter. x

You always give such great advice, Mrsjenny. I enjoy reading your posts.

 

[mrsjennymulhall]

You always give such great advice, Mrsjenny. I enjoy reading your posts.

Thank you Groo! How kind you are to say so!

 

[holyrood]

Forgiveness is what we are called to. Has the abusive behavior stopped? I don’t believe we are called to be doormats. If you can tolerate lunch once a month, give it a try and see if he’s willing to do his part to repair the damage he did.

 

[AnniesNotOkay]

Glad who I came upon this post, since I am going through the same thing except it is a sister- in - law, and the lies she spreads are an every day occurance. Sometimes one just doesn’t know how to react that would be favorable in the eyes of God.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Okay, so here’s the deal. My brother spread a very ugly lie about me to members of my family. Some people believed him, some people didn’t. It never got back to my husband or children, but I’m not sure how far it spread. My brother believes he was doing me a favor by “getting the truth out into the open”. This was several years ago.

Well, now he wants a closer relationship with me, thinks that brothers and sisters should socialize, and stuff. We do see each other at family parties, etc. (which are a little of an ordeal for me, knowing some people there are wondering if his lie was true). he lives about an hour away, so distance isn’t the deal-breaker in the scenario. I think he’s trying to force the issue right now because a couple people in our family got terminal diagnoses in the last few months, and our family circle will be getting smaller in the near future.

Basically, I don’t want to be around someone who makes up stories about me. He also has become very antiCatholic, and loves to declare his newfound enlightenment on Facebook. He also has a really poor filter and doesn’t understand what topics are okay to bring up in social situations and what is better off shared privately with one or two close friends.

In an ideal world, I would just say to him, “I don’t want to hang around you because you told a lie about me.” But if I really said that, he would tell me he was not lying, he said it for my own good, etc.

Any thoughts? And as always, prayers gratefully welcome.

If the lies could damage your family, yourself, your husband or your children then I would forget it.

Your duty is to protect your marital family. And a brother who is unrepentant and destructive to you is a danger.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I feel you’re perfectly justified in keeping distance between you. I had to cut ties with a family member over a similar situation. I have a large number of family members who live just to cause misery to others. They delight in lying, gossiping and spreading confidential information and half-truths about other family members. Several years ago, this other family member started doing the same, not out of a sense of malice but because he wanted to remain part of the in-crowd (at least to the degree that he can), and avoid being the target of the same behavior. I’ve witnessed him making stuff up, revealing secrets about family members and, possibly worst of all, fabricating stories with a kernel of truth to them. I refuted what I could when I was able and took him to task for it several times, but it eventually escalated and I started hearing some of the stuff he was claiming about me. The one that upset me most, and which shows why his stories with a kernel of truth are the the worst, is when he told several family members that he was with me when I cheated on my wife. It was shortly before we were married and he was lamenting over his relationship woes. I offered to take him out and basically play wingman for him while he tried to meet someone. We ended up at a lower class bar and met two young ladies of questionable virtues. He zeroed in on the really sleazy one which left me to chat up her friend and throw compliments his way. I made it clear from the start that I was engaged, which wasn’t much of a factor since the friend was in a relationship as well and was just there as moral support. As the night wore on things turned somewhat sordid, money changed hands and things turned out badly. He didn’t end up with any sort of a relationship but did end up with a picture of the four of us crowded around a table, smiling & posing for the camera. For me it was a totally innocent evening right up until I got arrested for trespassing, but he started telling a totally different story that incorporated the picture, the arrest, an alleged hotel receipt and his claims that I’d engaged in a long string of adulterous acts with the friend. My wife finally accepted that I was telling the truth about that night (he didn’t come up with his story until several years after we were married and the fact that I was not in a hotel that night are a matter of public record), but a lot of others believed him. He has several other stories about others in the family that have caused them major problems all because those grains of truth have caused doubt in others.

While he’s supposedly cleaned his act up a bit, I reached a point where not only could I not trust him, but I no longer felt comfortable even talking to him because I knew that no matter what I said would be conveyed in short order in some degree of honesty or another to the people in the family who cause so many problems. He reached out to me when my wife was going through some serious issues and I couldn’t even respond. If I did respond and opened up to him, all we were dealing with (at least his version of it) would be family gossip fodder. If I told him I couldn’t discuss it with and told him why, the same would have happened. In the best interest of my family, all I could do after a decades-long close friendship with him was to ignore him.

 

[Joy2day]

It is interesting that you say his response will be that he said the ‘lies’ for your own good… I think that needs some sort of further explanation. I have never heard how a ‘lie’ said about someone could be for their own benefit…? He would need to explain himself there.

Also it seems that the two of you view the situation differently. It seems as though you are saying that he would say it was not a lie, whereas you would say that it was. If he is being honest in the way he sees things, it seems that for some reason, you two are looking at the situation differently.

Further, how do you know he was spreading lies about you to other people? You say, the
lies did not reach your husband or children, but how did you discover he was the one telling other people stories about you? Because it would seem to me, that he would not have been the one to come and tell you this himself (obviously) and that therefore you would have had to get this information from a third party etc. Therefore, at the time of the lies, did you challenge him about them when you found out it was he who was telling them?

Further, if he was spreading ‘lies’ about you that were bad, why would he then want to be in your life?

There just seem to be loose ends and assumptions which maybe should be investigated to help you get to the bottom of the situation.