CAF Men: Is physical attraction instant? Or can it take time to develop?

  • Thread starter Thread starter ToeInTheWater
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

ToeInTheWater

Guest
Figured I’d ask the men here, since I’ve been troubled by an otherwise reasonable dating advice article by “Edinburgh Housewife” that states:

edinburghhousewife.blogspot.com/2015/08/a-dating-manifesto.html
Women: I firmly believe that any pleasant man who shares your core values deserves two dates before you give up on the idea of ever feeling physically attracted to him."
Click to expand...
"Men: Don’t date girls you don’t think are pretty. Don’t ask them, and don’t accept dates with them.
Click to expand...
The assumption seems to be, that while it is possible for a woman to eventually develop physical attraction for “any pleasant man who shares your core values”, this is not possible for a man, and therefore, a man should not waste his and her time, by dating a woman he doesn’t at least find “pretty”.

Notably, the blogger is not a man, and even gives the disclaimer at the bottom of her site that:
This is Edinburgh Housewife, a blog for Catholic women and other women of good will. It assumes that the average reader is an unmarried, childless Catholic woman over 18. Commenters are asked to take that into consideration before commenting.
Click to expand...
So I don’t even know why she bothered to give out any advice for men. But I am curious as to how accurate her assumption is here, that if a man doesn’t find a woman to be attractive at the instant he meets her, then it will never happen.
 
I can’t read the whole article right now, but for me, personally, that little statement seems pretty accurate.
 
I sort of agree with what she is saying.

However, I do not believe this is what she is saying:
ToeInTheWater said:
if a man doesn’t find a woman to be attractive at the instant he meets her, then it will never happen.
Click to expand...
What she said is “Don’t date girls you don’t think are pretty. Don’t ask them, and don’t accept dates with them.” In some cases, it takes time for a man to appreciate beauty. He might get to know her better and better and then start to see her in a different light. By the time he asks her to date, it could be months or years of a casual or platonic relationship.

When they do end up dating, if he feels like he is settling, nothing good will come of it. I think that is what she is getting at, and I agree with that.
 
Hmm…I might disagree. I can think of women that I was indifferent to, with regard to physical attractiveness, that I later found very attractive. I remember one time looking at a woman and feeling as if my breath was taken away, and this was after we’d known each other for over a year. Prior to that, I thought, ‘She’s o.k.’

That being said, if I found a woman UNattractive, I would probably not later find her attractive.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
Figured I’d ask the men here, since I’ve been troubled by an otherwise reasonable dating advice article by “Edinburgh Housewife” that states:

edinburghhousewife.blogspot.com/2015/08/a-dating-manifesto.html

The assumption seems to be, that while it is possible for a woman to eventually develop physical attraction for “any pleasant man who shares your core values”, this is not possible for a man, and therefore, a man should not waste his and her time, by dating a woman he doesn’t at least find “pretty”.
Click to expand...
I think I just answered that question on your other thread (post #33):

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=976287&page=3
 
:twocents:
(From a married old f@rt, if it makes a difference)

It has certainly occurred for me to become interested in a woman in an instant, based upon her physical beauty.

It has also happened for me to become attracted to a woman over time, even if not initially “instantly” attracted. (Hey, she’s got a lot of great qualities, even if she’s not a knock-out beauty)

AND it has happened for me to become less attracted to a woman over time, even if I had been “instantly” attracted initially. *(I don’t care *how pretty she is on the outside, on the inside she has an ugly soul)

:twocents:
tee
 
She may have shallow-minded chaps in their early 20s in mind who string a young woman along for a few weeks then lay into her about her looks (perhaps partly through gossip via third parties) then hey presto the current epidemic of body dysmorphic thing, mania about expensive makeup, etc

On the scene I’ve been on occasionally, looks and personality sort of fuse so just plain “attractive” would be a fairer word than “pretty”. My actions are even slower than my thinking so I’ve usually thought about it on the rare occasions before I’ve asked for a date.

So I agree she should confine her remarks to those areas where she knows what she is talking about, or reword more clearly, or something like that.
 
I am fond of reading the how-we-met accounts of couples who have been married 50 years. No, no one has to be immediately attracted for a long-lasting attraction and a solid marriage to develop. Having said that, an awful lot of these guys decided to marry the woman they would stay married to for over 50 years the first time they laid eyes on them. The women married 50 years were not so likely to have fallen head-over-heels right off the bat, although it has happened.
 
EasterJoy said:
I am fond of reading the how-we-met accounts of couples who have been married 50 years. No, no one has to be immediately attracted for a long-lasting attraction and a solid marriage to develop. Having said that, an awful lot of these guys decided to marry the woman they would stay married to for over 50 years the first time they laid eyes on them. The women married 50 years were not so likely to have fallen head-over-heels right off the bat, although it has happened.
Click to expand...
Related:

" 48 percent of men claim they have fallen in love at first sight, while just 28 percent of women say the same."

ksl.com/?sid=25012113
 
Speaking for myself, mine was. The physical attractiveness started at birth.

reads topic

Wait, nevermind…
 
Just so you know, the blogger has “clarified” her remarks in her post “Nature’s Little Double Standards”

edinburghhousewife.blogspot.com/2015/09/natures-little-double-standards.html

(Warning, some really odd remarks about rape.)
The one comfort I hold out is that although men know at once who is pretty to them and who is not, they do not all fall in love at first sight. They ask out (or bob around) a pretty girl and either become more attracted to her because of her personality or they cease to feel attracted because of her personality (or, if they are immature/stupid/base, it becomes clear she isn’t going to have sex with them any time soon). But “pretty” begins the process. If a man asks you out, he thinks you’re pretty. And that’s a good thing.
Click to expand...
So yes, she actually seems to think “men” DO know at once “who is pretty to them and who is not”, though apparently she finds a man’s “pretty woman” to be the equivalent of a woman’s “pleasant man who doesn’t repulse me or send my rape-dar tinging”.

(Though if she’s reading this, yes, I know you don’t literally mean ALL men. But you obviously think “the vast majority of men, enough so that I don’t have to consider those who don’t fit into the stereotypes”.)
 
I think it’s also relevant to on whether or not this is on initial sighting or not. I can definitely imagine a setting where a man is around a woman he initially doesn’t find physically attractive and if he’s around her often or frequently enough, he’ll get to know her better and may become attracted. For me, I’m never in that situation so it’s all at first take. If I see a woman, generally the only relevant thing I know about her is whether I find her physically attractive or not.
 
Pure physical attractiveness is not enough for me. There is also something to be said about a woman’s clothing. When I look at a young woman, I am able to better guess her character based upon how she dresses.

For example, two equally attractive young women appear for a lecture. One wears ‘contemporary’ western clothing such as very short shorts, a loose shirt, flip-flops, etc. The other wears something like a skirt, blouse, closed shoes such as heels or flats. You know what I mean.

The latter woman clearly cares about her appearance and does not seem to submit to the present-day lack of formality. Furthermore, she is dedicated to her academic career, as demonstrated by her appearance at lectures. I would definitely be more interested in her than in the other one, if I were to judge by appearances.

I am not condemning certain types of clothing over others. However, clothing can be a good reflection of one’s character, since unless one is dirt poor, one usually has control over one’s wardrobe.

Also, I also happen to pay close attention to my appearance. Bonus points for the ‘kindred’ spirit :D.
 
Klemens_Hadwig said:
Pure physical attractiveness is not enough for me. There is also something to be said about a woman’s clothing. When I look at a young woman, I am able to better guess her character based upon how she dresses.

For example, two equally attractive young women appear for a lecture. One wears ‘contemporary’ western clothing such as very short shorts, a loose shirt, flip-flops, etc. The other wears something like a skirt, blouse, closed shoes such as heels or flats. You know what I mean.

The latter woman clearly cares about her appearance and does not seem to submit to the present-day lack of formality. Furthermore, she is dedicated to her academic career, as demonstrated by her appearance at lectures. I would definitely be more interested in her than in the other one, if I were to judge by appearances.

I am not condemning certain types of clothing over others. However, clothing can be a good reflection of one’s character, since unless one is dirt poor, one usually has control over one’s wardrobe.

Also, I also happen to pay close attention to my appearance. Bonus points for the ‘kindred’ spirit :D.
Click to expand...
wow.
:eek:
 
It can be either. I know someone whom I did not find all that attractive when we met. After getting to know her well and becoming close friends, I now think she’s absolutely gorgeous.
 
Attraction can be instant for me or happen little by little over time. Just from my experience though, there has been a couple times where I did not find a female friend of mine attractive but just out of nowhere, just being themselves, I felt more of a attraction to them that I would have considered dating them,

However, those things seem to only happen when I am not trying to will them to happen. Every single time I have tried to give a woman, who I was not physically attracted to a chance, in the spirit of “Well, she seems cool. Maybe my attraction will grow” It has never worked for me. Basically, if I cannot picture myself kissing a woman and liking it, it will not work. As messed up as that sounds. But, not like I have had a lot of girlfriends. I have only dated a handful of women in my life and have only had one girlfriend. I still have a lot to learn. Some teenagers have more experience in relationships than I do and I am 30.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top