Calling all Masters of Charity

[Island_Oak]

OK…I’ll start out this plea for help with the acknowledgement that in the scheme of the challenges present in many lives…this is a minor, insignificant issue. But I NEED some solid, practical advice.

In a nutshell…we are about to embark on a bi-annual trip with extended family–including my very own version of mommy-dearest. We are usually fine sharing the same air space for about 24 hours. We will be sharing a beach house for 1 week. :bigyikes:

We both have been accused of having strong personalities–without putting too fine a point on it–her: the control freak; me: opinionated and outspoken. (Cantcha just smell the dynamite?!?)

For the sake of my dh, kids, father, sibs and any other innocent bystanders…I want this week to go well, be fun, peaceful and without the palpable undercurrent of electricity that normally accompanies our mother-daughter reunions. ADVICE?..common sense?..life experience?..escape plan? (just kidding)

 

[johntkd]

the olds in one ear out the other routine is what is needed here i know easier said than done but life is shoryt and just a week is shorter…

as srared in the movie the Water Boy

" you can do it"

good lucks

 

[1ke]

Beach Chair
Book
Earphones/CD player

Ignore & relax.

Seriously. When she does or says something, just let it go. Ask yourself this, every time, “is this really worth a fight and ruining everyone’s vacation?” If the answer is no, let it pass.

 

[kage_ar]

A rosary every morning before you talk to anyone else

 

[chrysostom15]

Ask your husband for advice, and do what he says. That’s my 2 cents. People on the internet probably don’t know your situation as well as he does. He should know it the best, as he should know everyone involved.

Other suggestion is to pray. Be humble.

 

[SMHW]

Some questions first…

How many couples, adult singles, teens, preteens…?
How many bedrooms, bathrooms, indoor common areas, outdoor common areas…?
Do you stay in and around this house the whole time or is it simply the base for other activities?
Will the various couples have their own transportation?

I’m just thinking back to group trips with family. It seems to me that there are certain physical aspects to staying some place aways from home which are guaranteed to be problem causers no matter how well everyone gets along. Number one is not having enough bathrooms, (at least one bathroom for every four people is best). Number two is not having any private spots, including places for children. Number three is kitchen facilities which are too limited for the number of people. And number four is not having a common lounging area in which ‘stuff’ (sleeping bags, suitcases, toys, etc.) are forbidden except when being used. If any of those physical situations are present then there’s no hope.

Beyond that, I think you and the others need to come up with a plan for schedules, etc. Agree that a certain number of activities and meals will be group affairs but other than those, any or all subgroups are free to do their own thing. If your mother is a ‘control freak’, let her pick and plan the days/times for group activities. (Have a few cheater meals available for the picky people, both children and adults. This is a vacation; neither the picky eater nor the eat-anything types will gain anything from a food war.) If there are restaurants near by make sure that couples/individual families have some scheduled alone time. Don’t let anyone pay for activities before knowing that people actually want to participate.

Be ready to step in and rescue anyone, adult or child, who is showing signs of crowd-stress and ask them to go for a walk/take a trip to the store/whatever. Perhaps you and your spouse need to work out signals for when you need to be rescued.

If common areas are necessary for sleeping areas then there needs to be a rule about wake-up times. I’d say that if anyone (probably a teen) wants to sleep past 9:AM or so, that said teen is required to pack up all belonging and move to the parents’ room. In fact, I’d insist that anyone using a common room as a bedroom needs to stow personal items in a bedroom or closet during the day. But that means the bedroom occupants always need to be ready to make those items available to the owner.

Have a written set of rules for the kids regarding cleanup, quiet hours, length of bathroom usage, etc. In reality, these rules are even more necessary for the parents. It’s just easier to blame the need for such rules on the kids.

I know these seem like common sense but in my experience, many problems between adult relatives occur because one adult/couple thinks the other adults/couples are crowding them/being stand-offish/lax parents/too strict/too rigidly scheduled/too unstructured, etc. Having rules and some kind of schedule won’t always prevent fights. But it might insure you only fight over worthy causes.

 

[puzzleannie]

all I can share from our family vacations is to suggest separate accommodations (in any case our daughters won’t let us stay with them because of Somebody’s snoring), but we have learned through experience NOT to share a house, condo, apartment, suite or heaven forbid motel room.

 

[Island_Oak]

…just to round out the picture…the accomodations are not an issue nor challenge. We will have plenty of space/bedrooms/bathrooms for all of us–wh/includes my family, one sib’s family, one other adult relative and my parents–for a grand total of 3 couples, 1 single adult and five cousins ages 9-14.

It can sometimes be tricky and/or politically incorrect to break off “too much” from group activities and pursue an agenda of one’s own or with one’s nuclear family’s. OK to take a long walk on the beach with a spouse, or a golf lesson with children, but probably frowned upon to break off for dinner, day-long outing w/just my husband and kids.

Biggest problem is what I call “the undercurrents”–my mom’s unacanny ability to telegraph unspoken disapproval/tension–or–defensiveness if anyone else “dares” to verbalize theirs. It would be much easier if, (this from the perspective of the outspoken one in the group) instead of the hairy eyeball or silent treatment after the fact, it was verbalized up front that a choice/activity/whatever caused a problem or another choice is preferable. Once “the undercurrents” are triggered it seems hard to dig out from under and frankly playing the guessing game of “let’s not do _______ because it might tick mom off” has grown very tiresome and is, to me, another manifestation of the control issue.

As for my husband…he is very diplomatic and is surely going straight to heaven for all the years he has endured this subtle stress–we almost never have open discord/arguments–we smile through gritted teeth. He’s likely harboring hope of a good escape strategy, but is far more adept at letting things roll off his back and only gets angry on occasions when he perceives uneven treatment spilling over to the grandkids.

 

[SMHW]

I was given some advice once and I’ll try passing it on…

When dealing with difficult people, sometimes the best way of handling them is to give them what they want. If your mother is a control freak, then she’s probably good at controlling certain things. Give her that job. And heap sincere praise on her for being so good at what she does. Sometimes the sincere praise is enough to improve the overall good will.

There no doubt will be plenty of decisions about what to do, when to do it, who does it, etc. I’d get your family to gather the choices and give your mother the final sayso. If she tries to play passive/aggressive with all of you by deferring then call her on it and say OK, Mom doesn’t want to do that/decide that. We’ll do such and such instead. If she gives your group the ‘hairy eyeball’ I’d just be your outspoken self and say, “Mom doesn’t like/doesn’t want/disaproves of ________. What should we do?” She’ll either have to speak up or go with the alternative. If she’s still negative I figure you’ve then earned the right to ‘put her on ignore’.

Is there anyone in the family that seems to get along especially well with your mother? If so, then maybe that person needs to take on the assignment.

You usually give such excellent advice to others. I know that family is good at pushing one’s buttons. I’m sure there is a reason that you go on this family get-together. I’d concentrate on that and look at everything else as part of the cost.