Calling my mom-help

[deb1]

I have posted before that I have an emotionally and verbally abusive mother. My younger brother and I disagree on the reasons behind her sometimes bizarre behavior. He thinks that she is paranoid schizophrenic. I admit that she can be extremly paranoid. She truely believes that almost everyone that she knows is in a weird plot to get her. This made growing up with her, strange at best. Like when I was 11, she would make us children stand in a darkened room, staring outside the window looking for ‘them’. Who were ‘them’? Don’t know. But at that young age, I knew that there was something mentally wrong with her.

I think that she is narcisstic because she has all the symptoms ofa border line personality disorder. She is very egotistical and seems to have no ability to put herself in another’s place. In her mind she is the most honest-even though she lies constantly, kind hearted person-although she can be very cruel and sarcastic, sweet tempered-not true-person in the world. When we were kids we had to actually comfort my mother by assuring her that we had never met anyone more beautiful or wonderful then her.

I forgive my mom for being the way she is. I really do. But because I am the oldest and my siblings won’t talk to her, I feel that it is my job to check on her. The problem is that she is slowly isolating herself from the world. She can be the most clingy person in the world and then suddenly go out of her way to alienate the people that she seems to need the most.

Because this is going to be a long post, I will continue in the next post. Sorry about the length, I just wanted to give you background information.

 

[deb1]

My problem is this. I need to call her and check on her, but emotionally the thought of having a conversation with her is very draining. I just don’t know if I can do it. It has been nearly two months since I talked with her last and I am only thirty minutes away. She won’t call me, partly from spite. She is angry because I put borders on her relationship with my family. I did this to protect my sons, who she took an irrational dislike to. I was calling to check on her once a week, but she fussed at me so badly-crying and calling me a bad daughter-that I stopped calling.

I know that some of you have abusive relationships with your parents. How do you handle them? My mom is over sixty and will need more care soon. My siblings will not help because they refuse to talk to her. This puts everything on me.

 

[Princess_Abby]

deb1:

My problem is this. I need to call her and check on her, but emotionally the thought of having a conversation with her is very draining. I just don’t know if I can do it. It has been nearly two months since I talked with her last and I am only thirty minutes away. She won’t call me, partly from spite. She is angry because I put borders on her relationship with my family. I did this to protect my sons, who she took an irrational dislike to. I was calling to check on her once a week, but she fussed at me so badly-crying and calling me a bad daughter-that I stopped calling.

I know that some of you have abusive relationships with your parents. How do you handle them? My mom is over sixty and will need more care soon. My siblings will not help because they refuse to talk to her. This puts everything on me.

Yikes, I can hear the anxiety.

First, most churches have volunteers who visit shut-ins. If your mother enjoys verbally abusing you, it is up to your discretion whether or not you put up with that on a personal level. However, there are other avenues in which you can still provide her care and nurturing if the dynamic between the two of you is toxic.

I would open up the phone book and look under social services and see what you can find in terms of agencies that provide for support and emotional or physical care for the elderly.

Would she be the type who would hire or let you hire a “companion” for her a few hours a week? There are ads for this all the time in college newspapers, and often there are plenty of good-natured college students willing to try and work with elderly, lonely people.

Would you feel comfortable starting slowly? Send her a “thinking of you” card and see if that elicits a phone call? If that phone call goes well, try another one? If the conversation goes down hill, be firm and friendly but say, “Mother when you choose to talk to me in that tone and with those words, I do not feel respected and I will not have that conversation. I’ll call you in a few days to check on you! Byyyye!” If the next phone call is of her being sniffy and pouty, ignore that behavior and talk about cheerful things. If she addresses the problem, reiterate what you already told her and stand firm that you won’t continue a conversation that includes disrespect from her.

Remember that whatever boundaries you’ve put in place to protect your children were put there for a reason. Someone on this board once said that grandparenting is a privilege, not a right, and I would agree.

Have you considered talking to a counselor about this? Sometimes it’s good just to have someone to bounce things off of who is objective and has a good deal of training with interpersonal relationships.

 

[kp1]

Deb1,

I am so sorry to hear this, my heart breaks for you both. It really must be difficult for her, being so insecure about life, that she must have no peace. I always ask the Holy Spirit to guide me when I feel compelled to write in reply to many of these boards. While reading your posts, the though of something one of my girlfriends experienced came to mind, so please excuse me while I explain.

My friend, I will call M, has a horrible MIL. She never has anything good to say about M or the grandchildren (and this is the nicer stuff). M prayed for months for some help. Then it happened, she said God spoke to her. It was a strong comforting voice from with in, he said “But you do not love her like I love her.”

Now, I am not trying to make light of your situation or down play her behavior, but God made her that way for a reason. It does not sound like this behavior is something she can control, and must have been undiagnosed for years. But is this her fault? I can see how your childhood was very unstable, but you were blessed to see her for who she is. God asks a lot from us, but never more than what he knows we can handle. You have already been blessed with many graces to endure what you have, maybe it is time to get some outside help (for God never wanted us to do everything on our own). With that said, go talk with a trusted priest, maybe even one who knows your mother also. He can guide you better on God’s plan for you and your mother.

I am no psychotherapist or anything in that field, but what you are describing (with out the Narcisism) is my MIL. My husband fears that if his father goes before her, she will go off the deep end and no one will want to deal with her. It sounds so awful, but I just do not know if I could handle her all the time. She lives four states away, so after visits it takes me about a week to relax.

 

[Fortiterinre]

Although personality disorders are rough stuff, they are “Axis II” or somewhat secondary to an “Axis I” or primary diagnosis. This sounds like a major problem, e.g. possibly paranoid schizophrenia like your brother said, especially if she is actually responding to hallucinations or delusions. You need major help with this, possibly even if your mom is involuntary for treatment.

 

[Brenda_V]

Princess_Abby:

snip
I would open up the phone book and look under social services and see what you can find in terms of agencies that provide for support and emotional or physical care for the elderly.

(much deleted)

Have you considered talking to a counselor about this? Sometimes it’s good just to have someone to bounce things off of who is objective and has a good deal of training with interpersonal relationships.

Okay, coming from a family with some mental illness - like an Aunt who is behaving like your mom and to my mom who is her sister and does what she can to take care of her (they are both in their 70’s now). I suggest you look into a third party to help you in helping your mom. A non-family member will be able to do that better than anyone else.

You have a real desire to help your mom which is a good thing. Do not be afraid to get some help, even if you start with the counseling yourself, get the tools you need to deal with her. This is something a good counseler can give you. Or better yet call Social Services (Catholic or secular) in your town and see if they can help you.

I really want to stress that a third party might be the way to go in order for you to help your mom. This persn would not have anything at stake in the relationship so can look at it objectively.

Prayers are with you as I know the emoritonal toll that mental illness can take on both the mentally ill and her family members.

Brenad V.

 

[deb1]

Princess_Abby:

Would you feel comfortable starting slowly? Send her a “thinking of you” card and see if that elicits a phone call? If that phone call goes well, try another one? If the conversation goes down hill, be firm and friendly but say, “Mother when you choose to talk to me in that tone and with those words, I do not feel respected and I will not have that conversation. I’ll call you in a few days to check on you! Byyyye!” If the next phone call is of her being sniffy and pouty, ignore that behavior and talk about cheerful things. If she addresses the problem, reiterate what you already told her and stand firm that you won’t continue a conversation that includes disrespect from her.

.

Have you considered talking to a counselor about this? Sometimes it’s good just to have someone to bounce things off of who is objective and has a good deal of training with interpersonal relationships.

Thank you. Sending her a card is a very good idea. I don’t know why I didn’t think about it myself.

I have thought about a counselor. I am begining to reach the conclusion that in order to be a healthy person myself, I have to come to terms with my mother’s problems.

I will look into getting her some additional help. I think that I will wait until I have talked to a counselor first, simply because she is sometimes so paranoid that she thinks people are spying on her when they are not.

 

[deb1]

kp1:

Deb1,

I

Now, I am not trying to make light of your situation or down play her behavior, but God made her that way for a reason. It does not sound like this behavior is something she can control, and must have been undiagnosed for years. But is this her fault? I can see how your childhood was very unstable, but you were blessed to see her for who she is. God asks a lot from us, but never more than what he knows we can handle. You have already been blessed with many graces to endure what you have, maybe it is time to get some outside help (for God never wanted us to do everything on our own). With that said, go talk with a trusted priest, maybe even one who knows your mother also. He can guide you better on God’s plan for you and your mother.

I am no psychotherapist or anything in that field, but what you are describing (with out the Narcisism) is my MIL. My husband fears that if his father goes before her, she will go off the deep end and no one will want to deal with her. It sounds so awful, but I just do not know if I could handle her all the time. She lives four states away, so after visits it takes me about a week to relax.

I don’t think that you are making light of my situation. I agree, she does not have control over herself. In my better moments, I don’t blame her. I won’t say that I am not sometimes very, very angry with her, especially when she began to turn her verbal anger on my boys. The wisdom to deal with her is something that I pray about a lot.

When I was younger she used to have periods were she would seem stable. During these time periods she could actually be a funny, charming individual. Now that she is older, she seems to have lost the ability to be normal for any length of time. That saddens me for her. Deep down she must realize that something is not right with her. That must be frightening.

 

[deb1]

Fortiterinre:

Although personality disorders are rough stuff, they are “Axis II” or somewhat secondary to an “Axis I” or primary diagnosis. This sounds like a major problem, e.g. possibly paranoid schizophrenia like your brother said, especially if she is actually responding to hallucinations or delusions. You need major help with this, possibly even if your mom is involuntary for treatment.

There have been time periods were my mother was delusional. In a recent episode, she decided that my brother and I were in some weird plot to get her money. She is on a small pension due to my father’s death, so she has no money for me to steal. She was terrified that we were going through her stuff and finding out things about her. I was in Washington state at the time and she lives in NC. Finally, a cousin talked her into commiting herself. I could get no information from the hospital because she informed the Drs. that my brother and I were not allowed to call her room, recieve information or even visit. My mom’s cousin refused to give me information because she promised my mom she wouldn’t. To this day, I have no idea what happpened.

I don’t think that I can commit her unless she is a danger to herself or others.

 

[deb1]

Brenda V.:

Okay, coming from a family with some mental illness - like an Aunt who is behaving like your mom and to my mom who is her sister and does what she can to take care of her (they are both in their 70’s now). I suggest you look into a third party to help you in helping your mom. A non-family member will be able to do that better than anyone else.

You have a real desire to help your mom which is a good thing. Do not be afraid to get some help, even if you start with the counseling yourself, get the tools you need to deal with her. This is something a good counseler can give you. Or better yet call Social Services (Catholic or secular) in your town and see if they can help you.

I really want to stress that a third party might be the way to go in order for you to help your mom. This persn would not have anything at stake in the relationship so can look at it objectively.

Prayers are with you as I know the emoritonal toll that mental illness can take on both the mentally ill and her family members.

Brenad V.

My brother is going to school to be a Physician’s attendent. He is currently doing a rotation with severly metally unstable patients. He thinks that our mother could be helped with meds.

I think that I will talk with a therapist. I won’t be able to do so until November due to the fact that my hubby is in classes four nights a week, and we have just one vehicle.

I am a bit wary of my mother’s reaction to a social worker though. She is so paranoid that I am uncertain if I might not cause more harm then good. After my grandmother’s death, my mom refused to answer her phone. As she has been suicidal in the past, I worried that she could possibly hurt herself. Also, she lives alone in a rough trailer park and there was the idea that she might be a victim of some sort of violence. So, I called the police department-I was in another state- and asked them to check on her. Not only did my mom react angrily toward me but family members were angry that I hadn’t called them instead. My reasoning was that if she was sucidial, had commited suicide or, god forbid, was a victim of violence, there was nothing that they could do except call the police anyway.

You are right though, reading all these posts is giving me the courage to seek some outside assistance. Something that I have avoided doing.

 

[LSK]

You and your brother are good children - but, like Brenda said, being the children of a mother who is mentally ill is very, very stressful. Is your father in the picture at all? Forgive me if you answered this all ready.

I think the idea of talking with a third person and you and your brother talking to a Counselor is a great idea. There are Catholic therapists that can support you in wanting to act with Catholic Charity and help you take care of your own emotional needs so that you can be of better service to Jesus.

And you are in my prayers.

So is your Mom.

 

[deb1]

LSK:

You and your brother are good children - but, like Brenda said, being the children of a mother who is mentally ill is very, very stressful. Is your father in the picture at all? Forgive me if you answered this all ready.

.

No,I did not answer where my dad is. My dad went to Vietnam when my mom was seven months pregnant. My mother got news that he was died when I was five weeks old. She was only 21.

My younger brother and sister have a different father then I do. He is living in Minnesota and has married to a very sweet woman. I doubt that he would help. He doesn’t like to have any contact with my mom. There is a lot of bad feelings between them.

 

[LSK]

I understand.

There is an incredible book I read about a family dealing with the mental illness of one of their members. It’s The Quiet Room. It enlists the entire family in its writing.

I am going to put your family in my nightly prayers.