Can’t Stop Praying: OCD

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Jenny26

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Hello, I’ve been a long time sufferer of OCD even though I only recently got diagnosed. My OCD began around the time when I was about 8 or 9 and experienced the death of my great grandfather. Soon after that, I began to feel the need to pray constantly for my family in order to keep them alive. My brain at the time hypothesized that maybe it was my great grandfather that used to keep my family alive, and since he passed, he decided to pass the job on to me. I had a memorized prayer that lasted about half an hour to an hour and had strict restrictions even at that time like I felt the need to apologize any time that I blinked or swallowed during my prayer.

I am 26 now and just finally admitted to my therapist who I have been seeing for depression and anxiety about my struggles with the OCD thoughts. While I no longer have the strict restriction in place of not being able to blink or swallow while I pray, it is still getting worse. It takes me about an hour to an hour and a half at night to go to bed because I have to say my memorized prayer since I feel like that’s what keeps my family, friends, pets, and myself alive. If anything happens during my prayer like my stomach growling, I begin to get anxious and worried that it not longer counts. After I finish my prayer, I feel the need to say at least one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and one Glory Be with my eyes closed and then genuflect. When I open my eyes, I feel like I have to be looking directly at the cross on my wall or panic that it doesn’t count. It’s also no longer just my nighttime prayer. I recently went through a tough time with a friend, and she is taking a break from talking to me at the moment since I ended up becoming too needy with my mental health issues. Any time that I think about this friend or reflect on past things the friend has said to me to motivate me, I feel the need to repeat bits of my prayer and bless myself. The worry is that if I think about something good with that friend or if I imagine seeing that friend again in the future and having everything worked out then, that I will jinx something and that something bad will happen to that friend. I basically feel like I can’t think of anything good or bad or else I feel the need to repeat bits of my prayer or to say something about how I trust God and know that He listened to my prayer and always listens to my prayer and knows what’s most important to me.
 
Continued:
It has gotten to the point that I am repeating this throughout the day. I just got a job but struggle to focus because I feel the need to repeat this to myself whenever I begin to think about anything as I feel that I need to to keep my friends and family and myself alive and safe and happy. The thing is if I say it in my head, I get distracted, so i often feel the need to whisper it to myself or say it out loud. Sometimes in public, I will sit by myself whispering those things or I will go to the bathroom just so I have a chance to whisper to myself and try to focus on what I’m saying. However, whenever anything happens like my stomach gurgling or bubbling (which happens a lot to me), I begin to panic about if it was ok or not. I feel like I can’t focus on anything in my life right now because of my anxiety and my need to constantly repeat things and bless myself. For example, last week I went to the movies and missed a good deal of the movie due to trying to focus on what I was repeating in my head to God and then blessing myself. Yesterday , I couldn’t focus on a training I had to attend again because I was constantly repeating things in my head in prayer, I missed some of the training so I could go to the bathroom and whisper the same things in prayer to myself until I felt somewhat satisfied, and I was so caught up during my drive there and back in trying to say the same short prayer out loud and then feeling the need to take my hands off the wheel to bless myself. I tracked how many times I felt the need to do compulsions this past Sunday for my therapy appointment, and we estimated that I probably spent at least 3-4 hours or so total in feeling the need to constantly bless myself and talk to God.

It’s really anxiety provoking for me because I’m terrified of what could happen to my family, my friends, my dog, or myself if I don’t repetitively pray or pray my long prayer at night. I know that the goal of OCD treatment is to eventually get me to limit or stop the compulsions, but again I’m terrified that that could cause someone or myself to die. I guess I’m just looking for some advice or encouragement!

Thank you so much for listening!
 
Hi Jenny!
Urge to Pray is a great grace,because without prayer we are Like fish without watter,and God wants you to Pray.What is prayer? Prayer is talking to God.He lovees to hear your opinion,request,thanskigiving…

But for sure God isnt Someone who is Dictator.He is full of love and care for you beacuse you are his child.I would even say that thoughts come from Devil.Because devils wants to ruin your relathionship with God.and if he can destroy prayer than,he succed in his intention to Bring you away from God.

God give us free will and od course he wants relathionip with us.But he dont want it to be forced.Okay?Try just talk to God about your problems and when that thought came in just remember that God is not dictator but a careful and loving Father.He Will not for sure ever comand you things Like this because it Will make you crazy.Trust in Him.I Will trully advice you to Pray rosary on that intention.Our Lady Will help you and intercede for you.Also ask Padre Pio for his help.Just be brave.REMEBER THIS:JESUS CAME NOT TO CONDEMN US,BUT SAVE US.
GOD BLESS YOU
 
@Jenny26, you’ve made it quite clear to us that you know what your problem is. It isn’t about religion, it isn’t about prayer, it isn’t about your family and pets. It isn’t even about God. It’s about your OCD. It’s a challenge you need to overcome with the help of your therapist. I honestly don’t think you will gain any benefit by discussing it here with a bunch of strangers on a comments thread. In fact, I believe that discussions of this kind are against CAF rules, precisely because of the potential harm they might cause you.
 
Dang. Tell all this to your therapist of course.

I as well have OCD, not an extreme case but I can see where your coming from.
Like the previous person said, this is way more for your therapist and not really for us to tell you what to do.
I remember the saying, pray without ceasing and in all circumstances give thanks. What does this mean? To pray so much where we literally bring fear unto ourselves? Of course not, we cant be always in panic because we think God will take our loved ones, the enemy wants us to be anxious.

I wanted to type more but I think its better you actually talk to a priest about it. A therapist can definitely help, however a priest can also give you good spiritual advice 🙂 your in my prayers!
 
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