Can he still be my spiritual director?

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CRATUS

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I have a mild crush on a parochial vicar. I have talked him a few times one-on-one, I guess some of things I confessed alarmed him, so he asked to talk me one-on-one. Part of me would like to him to be my spiritual director, he is very easy to talk to and funny. Less intimidating
 
I was told by our last parochial vicar that if in the course of a spiritual direction relationship one party starts to develop sentimental feelings for the other, the relationship needs to be severed immediately. It sounds like you’ve already taken a step or two down that road, and the SD relationship between the two of you hasn’t even officially been established yet.

Please find someone else to direct you.
 
UpUpAndAway said:
I was told by our last parochial vicar that if in the course of a spiritual direction relationship one party starts to develop sentimental feelings for the other, the relationship needs to be severed immediately. It sounds like you’ve already taken a step or two down that road, and the SD relationship between the two of you hasn’t even officially been established yet.

Please find someone else to direct you.
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I was hoping I would stop having a crush, then I could talk to him person-to-person. I always thought crushes were harmless
 
I don’t think it would be wise. If you decided you wanted to ask him formally to be your spiritual director I think you should be honest about your crush and let him have a say. If you are already fussing over your hair and makeup it’s questionable if you are going to be able to focus on your growing in your relationship with God.

I’ve had 2 formal SDs and about 3 informal (one deacon and the rest were priests). I felt very comfortable with them and I would even say I was fond of them. But if I had a crush I don’t think I could have continued spiritual direction unless the crush was very fleeting.
 
Contact any nearby retreat center or the Chancery for names and recommendations.
Good luck!
 
CRATUS said:
I was hoping I would stop having a crush, then I could talk to him person-to-person.
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There is no point in a female parishioner developing some sort of one-on-one relationship with a priest. It is NOT appropriate at all. It can be harmful to his reputation, and it can be harmful to your spiritual well-being.
CRATUS said:
I always thought crushes were harmless
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Crushes are not harmless when it is a female parishioner with a crush on a priest.

No, you should not pursue any sort of situation in which you will be one-on-one with this priest. Stop immediately and find a different spiritual director.
 
1ke said:
There is no point in a female parishioner developing some sort of one-on-one relationship with a priest. It is NOT appropriate at all. It can be harmful to his reputation, and it can be harmful to your spiritual well-being.

Crushes are not harmless when it is a female parishioner with a crush on a priest.

No, you should not pursue any sort of situation in which you will be one-on-one with this priest. Stop immediately and find a different spiritual director.
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Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.
 
1ke said:
There is no point in a female parishioner developing some sort of one-on-one relationship with a priest. It is NOT appropriate at all. It can be harmful to his reputation, and it can be harmful to your spiritual well-being.

.
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This claim needs qualification. It depends on what you mean by “one-on-one”. Obviously there are plenty of times when a one-on-one relationship is quite appropriate, especially in the course of the pastoral duties of the priest.

Even close personal relationships should not be assumed to be unhealthy, or leading to temptation or sin. If that were true, it would be unwise for women to have male business mentors, male teachers, male bosses, or contact with any male besides their husband, except in the presence of family members…hmmm, seems they do that somewhere in the world, and its not all that good of a thing!
 
Neofight said:
This claim needs qualification. It depends on what you mean by “one-on-one”. Obviously there are plenty of times when a one-on-one relationship is quite appropriate, especially in the course of the pastoral duties of the priest.

Even close personal relationships should not be assumed to be unhealthy, or leading to temptation or sin. If that were true, it would be unwise for women to have male business mentors, male teachers, male bosses, or contact with any male besides their husband, except in the presence of family members…hmmm, seems they do that somewhere in the world, and its not all that good of a thing!
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Those situations aren’t “relationships” in the context of what the OP desires. Working relationships typically don’t have emotional intimacy. Moreover, I would add to what 1ke posted and say that no parishioner, male or female, should have intimate or exclusive relationships with parishioners. Working along side one-on-one isn’t the same thing.
 
Bruised_Reed said:
Those situations aren’t “relationships” in the context of what the OP desires. Working relationships typically don’t have emotional intimacy. Moreover, I would add to what 1ke posted and say that no parishioner, male or female, should have intimate or exclusive relationships with parishioners. Working along side one-on-one isn’t the same thing.
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That is very true, but he is just easy to confide in. I never really considered how it could damage his reputation when others saw a younger woman visiting a priest’s parish office sometimes.
 
Bruised_Reed said:
I don’t think it would be wise. If you decided you wanted to ask him formally to be your spiritual director I think you should be honest about your crush and let him have a say. If you are already fussing over your hair and makeup it’s questionable if you are going to be able to focus on your growing in your relationship with God.

I’ve had 2 formal SDs and about 3 informal (one deacon and the rest were priests). I felt very comfortable with them and I would even say I was fond of them. But if I had a crush I don’t think I could have continued spiritual direction unless the crush was very fleeting.
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You think I should tell him I have a crush on him. He may find it funny because he is old enough to be my father. He may not take it seriously.
 
CRATUS said:
I have a mild crush on a parochial vicar. I have talked him a few times one-on-one, I guess some of things I confessed alarmed him, so he asked to talk me one-on-one. Part of me would like to him to be my spiritual director, he is very easy to talk to and funny. Less intimidating
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I think that would be a bad idea.
 
Bruised_Reed said:
Those situations aren’t “relationships” in the context of what the OP desires. Working relationships typically don’t have emotional intimacy. Moreover, I would add to what 1ke posted and say that no parishioner, male or female, should have intimate or exclusive relationships with parishioners. Working along side one-on-one isn’t the same thing.
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Of course…but you and 1ke know the difference…unfortunately, there are many who hang on every letter of every word they hear on the internet without thinking things through, and drawing a distinction between a personal and a professional one-on-one relationship.

We can’t just make sweeping generalizations and then expect everyone knows exactly what we are talking about.
 
CRATUS said:
You think I should tell him I have a crush on him. He may find it funny because he is old enough to be my father. He may not take it seriously.
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A spiritual director that didn’t take seriously something I shared that was significant would give me pause. Either way, if you are seeking spiritual direction, this priest is not a good choice. In fact, if you are prone to crushes on men that you share a connection with a female spiritual director might be a better choice for you.

I personally prefer a priest for a SD because any sins/vices can be confessed. But if the SD was a lay person it wouldn’t matter what sex they were. Priests are easier to find because one can learn a lot about their orthodoxy, prayer life, and personality from homilies, going to confession and observing how they deal with parishioners. If I decided I needed spiritual direction again I know the priest I would choose. He kind of socially awkward, so his homilies aren’t dynamic but they are solid. He is also very kind in the confessional and the brief spiritual direction was simple and spot on. Bonus - he gave me absolution in Latin. 🙂

Shorter version: A rapport is a good thing but a crush undermines a good, healthy rapport.
 
I am a spiritual director. SDs need to be alert to transference. This could be what the OP is experiencing.
 
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