Can one go 'too far the other way' and objectify a person?

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DL82

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I realise we must never use a person as a means to an end. We should never treat a woman merely as a sexual object to be ‘used’, and the dignity of marriage calls for self giving rather than dominating or possessing the other.

All the same, is it possible to go too far in the opposite direction. If someone were to give himself completely to someone who he knows doesn’t feel as strongly in return ‘because’ that way they would be giving in a spirit of self-sacrifice, without any question of taking anything in return, would that also be ‘using’ the other person as a means to an end?
 
Well, that doesn’t sound like a person you’re giving yourself to, it sounds like a project.

And what happens if the other person never loves back in return? How long can you continue to give and sacrifice down an empty well? Prudence is a virtue too.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
And what happens if the other person never loves back in return? How long can you continue to give and sacrifice down an empty well? Prudence is a virtue too.
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How long did Christ give to us who give so little back? Even to those who would never love back in return.
 
If you think you have what Christ had and can do it forever, go ahead. Knock yourself out.

I repeat, prudence is a virtue. Read my other posts if you want to see what happens when you try to pour endless love on someone who doesn’t give any in return. While I wasn’t “using” the person as a means to an end, it still ended badly.

I just wouldn’t seek out this situation. Sometimes they are thrust upon us… relatives with drug addictions, children with issues, spouses that go rancid… life brings unbearably one-sided situations to your doorstep. Why go looking for it. That smacks of pride and presumption.
 
Am not saying I have what Christ had, but that we are all called to model His love, to be His love, and given the same Spirit that was in Him to help us.

I’m sorry to hear about your own pain. I know this situation is not like that. I won’t even go into what my own situation is, because it’s not fair to the other person to go revealing my judgments about her life. It’s the classic thing of a relationship that starts with one person caring a little bit more than the other. Nothing monumental. Probably shouldn’t even mention it.
 
If you are trying to “help” someone who has been hurt by life and trying to be a savior, you can only do that if they want a savior. Otherwise, you are being a social worker. And no matter how strong you are and how much you are trying to be like Christ, if you spend years giving of yourself and realize they aren’t “grateful” or “improving” or they don’t come to love you, then you might become resentful.

All you can do is be the face of Christ to that person in how you treat her. If that appeals to her she will want more of that. You can’t force it on her, or demand she spend time with you. If you can treat her with dignity she may not be familiar with or show her that people can be trusted, or whatever her issue is, maybe she will warm to you.

But if you’re just using Christ’s example to woo someone you have a crush on or something, that’s cynical.

My advice is two people should care equally if there is hope for a long-term relationship. One person can’t pull the load forever. Good luck. Just show her respect and the love of God. She may not notice or care. But she may have people around her who find that refreshing.
 
DL82, you will need to elaborate if I’m going to take any position. From what hypothesis you give, I can’t arrive at anything coherent.

I have to admit the situation doesn’t sound entirely reasonable to me and it may be an instance of scruples. Maybe something’s going on in your head and not letting you sleep. In such cases, you need peace and you need to talk to a priest, not a bunch of laymen.
 
Yes you can go too far.

We are human. We get some gratification from helping others. We get some sense of martyrdom from giving above and beyond what is needed.

And in that process, we can do too much… take away from the person we are “helping”. That person becomes dependent on us and doesn’t enjoy their own need for the gratification of giving.

It’s called co-dependency. It’s not healthy. It’s not good. It will turn on you and you will be as sick and as needy as the person who you THINK you are helping.

The best thing you can do is know when to draw the line. You’re posting it here… my guess is you’ve exceeded the line and are now trying to justify it in your mind.

in Christ
Steph
 
St. Thomas Aquinas made that argument that it is indeed possible to sin in many matters by going too far in the opposite direction.

For example, we all know that gluttony is a sin. And it’s also towards the over-eating end of things that most of us sin in. However, it is possible to sin in abstinence as St. Aquinas argues “sometimes the sin of pride pierces the thoughts of the abstainer.”

Therefore, one who abstains to make a show of how they are giving up or to justify themselves is committing sin just as someone who is overeating.

I believe that a similar argument exists in the scenario you mentioned. They really need to consider why they are giving in this situation. And it’s a matter best discussed with a spiritual director who can look more deeply into the matter with that person and take into account their individual characteristics.
 
Love is reciprocal and if it isn’t it’s something else. I am not Jesus. The best thing about doing what you seem to be describing and defending is how good it feels when you stop and accept the other as they are instead of trying to “love” them into “loving” you.
 
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