Can romantic relationships and or marriage exist without chemistry?

[Lee3]

I have noticed that so much today is about chemistry, and as a young guy with Autism this spells bad news for me.
I can feel attraction and sexual attraction, but I struggle to feel chemistry with anyone.
To be totally honest, I can’t even feel it or grasp what it means.
Most discussion about romantic relationships are based about chemistry though and I have noticed that even with some Catholic dating sites there’s a strong focus on chemistry.
There’s particular one site, which I won’t name here, but let’s just say it has the word “chemistry” in it.
The promo videos are of all social people who’s eyes like up when they talk and look so full of chemistry and life and personality, if there’s such a thing…
So if Catholic relationships are also so heavily focused on chemistry and liveliness, I don’t feel very confident that I stand much of a chance.

Are there or can there be any successful romances and marriages that don’t involve chemistry or is this a impossibility?

Whether you are married or single, what did or do you look for in a partner?

On paper, we all say the same thing like Catholic values, faithful etc but, (and I’m speaking generally here and not about me), I think a lot of people still get rejected romantically even if they have those qualities?
Because romance relationships involve connections, banter etc - the things I struggle with due to the Autism?

 

[SunSeeker]

There seems to be a lot going on in your post, so I’ll try to respond as best I can. I really don’t have a lot of advice, because I too am single and looking, and well, I get what you’re saying about the chemistry thing. I fit the definition of the spectrum too, and it’s hard sometimes.

Keep in mind, that’s a site with a paid plan if I’m not mistaken. The whole “eyes lighting up” thing is romantic. It sells. They’re also usually newer couples in the honeymoon phase. I’m not saying it’s not real, and that that spark is fake, but it’s not what makes a relationship last. My parent just celebrated years of marriage. Most of their siblings have been divorced (at least once). I think the difference is that while my folks do take time to work on their relationship, for them it doesn’t seem to be all about feelings, but more about commitment. They care about each other, for sure, but there’s a daily choice side to their relationship too.

What is chemistry? Feeling like you enjoy being around them (most of the time) is important of course. If you don’t, you’ll start to resent them. When you feel like they fit well into your life, and are good for you, and they feel likewise about you, then you have a good mixing of your lives. Chemistry! But it’s not about always feeling happy, or elated. The phrase “I want to marry my best friend” sounds so sweet, but it leads to many people wanting their marriage to be essentially friends with benefits, even if they don’t realize it. What I mean is that they expect their partner to be a pal; liking all the same things (spouses can and should have separate interests), enjoying spending all their time together (if you live together with your spouse, you spend more time around them than any friend, and you should be able to ask for time alone without the other feeling hurt), and supporting every little choice (yes spouses should support each other in big decisions, but it’s not a husband/wife’s job to make a person feel like they can do no wrong - to the contrary, couples should be able to point out when each other has crossed a line).

The balance between faith compatibility, and secular compatibility is sometimes hard to weigh.The catholic thing for me is a deal-breaker. They have to be at least practicing, if not a little conservative about their catholic faith. But I spend enough time outside of the walls of the brick and mortar church buildings that I need to have something else in common with a guy, and I won’t choose a guy just because he’s more conservative than another, if I don’t have as much in common with him.

I think you could try dating a bit. When you meet the right one, it’ll be clear. Don’t focus too much on the advice of others. God’s opinion matters, you and your partner’s opinions matter, no one else does. Even common advise that everyone gives can be wrong in a few good romances.

I hope this helps.

 

[aroosi]

Yes, for centuries (and in certain realities still nowadays) marriages were arranged between people that barely knew each other.

 

[TheLittleLady]

There is a saying that goes something like marriage comes first, romance follows.

 

[TheLittleLady]

We all meet people. Some remain aquaintences, peers, others become friends and some of those friends become best lifelong friends. Sometimes you meet a person and you just click, close friendship happens and it is difficult to say why.
This could be someone in class, at work, at a club meeting, team, in an online group, we will use a team as an example.

While I enjoy the electric train club or my tabletop games group and the others share my interests, there is one member where we become best friends. That is chemistry. The unknown spark that, while all of the other members of the group share a common interest, even a common passion, there is a click that is deeper with one or a couple others.

When dating people, you will meet some nice people and some not so nice. Of the nice ones, that same click may happen. It is not always fireworks and butterflies, maybe just having inside jokes and feeling super comfortable when you are with this one person.

Don’t worry about a tidal wave of overwhelming emotions. Be open to meeting people with whom you share the same foundational ideals and that click can sneak up on you