Can't we all just get along?

[Melo]

I have been a member of this forum since August and I’ve noticed that a lot of people seemed to have lost the spirit of what this forum is about. I realize that there are some folks that come here just to be antagonist about our faith…but I think others are really looking for answers. I just think that some posters (who post A LOT of responses) seem to be somewhat rude in their answers. I’m afraid that this will just turn people away and that’s really not what we want, right?

No one has been rude to me personally, but I’ve seen it too many posts to others questions.

I just ask that we try to be more loving and understanding in our responses. People come here for help.

Sorry for the rant but it’s been bothering me.

I love this forum and I think it can (and has done) a lot of good. We just need to keep the Christian mindset here.

Blessings

 

[mary_s_kid]

Hi Melo,
I’ve been a member for a few years. I first came here to get help and support and answers. CAF has good people on it but a lot**** of us have issues that are triggers and make us crazy in responses. (you’ll pick up on that the longer you’re here. I didn’t see that at first) I’ve noticed over the years some posters who seem compassionate and fair in their responses just drop off the radar. I don’t know why but I have a theory that those posters got tired of judgmental, harsh posts that have no charity in them. I’ve ignored CAF for periods of time when I notice I feel worse after I visit than when I don’t. After awhile, curiousity gets the better of me and I get back on to see what issues everyone is talking about. It seems to be a love/hate relationship for me.

Anyway, you aren’t the first to post something along these lines and you won’t be the last. I feel like you do though. If everyone was charitable and thoughtful of others (and you can disagree with someone and still be charitable) this would be a great forum. I just don’t expect that here anymore.

 

[Pug]

I sometimes get down when I hear many sarcastic remarks on a thread. I supposed one could reply to me, “If you can’t take the heat, then get out of the fire,” but I don’t find that reply to satisfy.

Other times, I don’t know if they are trying to be funny, or if the remark is partly hostile in intent:

Wow! Let me put my hip boots on! It’s getting deep around here!

This could go either way. I wish this place had fewer ambiguous remarks. But then, I have no way of knowing how many seemingly ambiguous remarks I make. I most surely try not to make them. I must concede, though, that remarks that are sarcastic seem to generate lots of board traffic.

 

[dalesmom]

Sometimes I question if I am “narrowminded” enough or aggressive enough to be a Catholic after some of the posts.It seems to me that some people tell us that in order to be a “good Catholic”, you must be extremely scrupulous. ie: the boycott of pink ribbons. I am not going to go shopping and look at every item for a pink ribbon. I just don’t feel the need or have the time. But in response to that, I will be told that I am promoting abortion.Is that fair? Is that charitable? Can’t I fight the battle other ways?

I too try to stay away from the boards when things get so judgemental and scrupulous, but am drawn back like a moth to a flame.

All I can say is:

 

[daughterofmary]

I have noticed it too… particularly on a few specific forums.

I just stand back in awe at the unkindness of this place sometimes. I think it has a lot to do with misunderstandings, past experiences, and just a plain love for one’s own opinion.

I am part of a few other Catholic forums (one which has a great number of people) and there is usually nothing like what is said here being said over there. This has the potential to be one my favorite forums, but the constant unkindness and cruel remarks keep it from being so.

I have learned many things here and I enjoy the many different topics that are discussed here. I am sure everyone has good intentions when posting… sometimes it just does not turn out right.

Your right, charity charity charity. Let’s pray.

 

[THutch04]

I’ve had many times when I’ve hit reply but then decided against it because I would either a) say something that would be taken the wrong way or b) say something that most other people posting wouldn’t agree with and then get yelled at for not having the same opinion. And yes, there have been several occasions where I’ve thought to myself “wow, why am I even Catholic, because according to this board I don’t meet all the necessary pre-requisites.”

At this point though, I know the kinds of posts that make me frustrated, so I tend to avoid those threads for the most part. I like to think everyone has good intentions. I know I’ve said things that I didn’t mean to come off the way they did, and I’m sure most people here are that way too. It’s just unfortunately many times you remember the negative, uncharitable posts a lot.

 

[LISA_Annette]

I sometimes get down when I hear many sarcastic remarks on a thread. I supposed one could reply to me, “If you can’t take the heat, then get out of the fire,” but I don’t find that reply to satisfy.

Other times, I don’t know if they are trying to be funny, or if the remark is partly hostile in intent:

This could go either way. I wish this place had fewer ambiguous remarks. But then, I have no way of knowing how many seemingly ambiguous remarks I make. I most surely try not to make them. I must concede, though, that remarks that are sarcastic seem to generate lots of board traffic.

The reader has a few clues as to the ambiguity of the remarks, what with the array of smilies on hand. but I must say, no smilie can “nice-up” that comment you quoted from someone else (about “needing hip boots”)—it was plain rude.

I generally don’t enjoy drama and arguements so I try to steer away from the sarcastic comments—a few have been thrown at me. If it does get bad, I might just leave----but really it isn’t that bad—go to other question and Answer boards where people actually call you names. I think this place is heaven compared to those places.

 

[water]

I am not encouranging people to be rude, but sometimes those being rude are giving you a chance to pratice virtuals of patience, humble, and love. It is not easy.

 

[Pug]

but really it isn’t that bad—go to other question and Answer boards where people actually call you names. I think this place is heaven compared to those places.

I agree. It is so much better here than many other places! I assume this is partly due to the gracious work of the moderators. I’d also hope to attribute some of it to it being a Christian board.

I was one of those people who was often accused of being “too sensitive” as a child, so I still struggle with trying to not be “too sensitive” when reading remarks. Hence my difficulty judging the intent of remarks.

 

[anthony022071]

Since this an apologetics website,and in apologetics there is going to be some arguing and contentiousness,sarcasm is to be expected. Being a good Christian does not necessarily entail always being polite. Sometimes you have to rebuke people for contradicting the church’s teaching on faith and morals.
If you read the works of St. Jerome and other church fathers,you’ll see how sarcastic they can get in defending the truth of the faith. As for people who make sarcastic remarks and are contentious over petty disagreements or because they are over-scrupulous about how things should be done,it is best just to be stoic about it or to gently rebuke them.

 

[Pug]

Since this an apologetics website,and in apologetics there is going to be some arguing and contentiousness,sarcasm is to be expected. Being a good Christian does not necessarily entail always being polite. Sometimes you have to rebuke people for contradicting the church’s teaching on faith and morals.
If you read the works of St. Jerome and other church fathers,you’ll see how sarcastic they can get in defending the truth of the faith.

Sarcasm to me has a bad connotation. Irony is a more neutral word. Usually “sarcasm” is used as a word choice when describing something that is designed to wound. I think words that are designed to wound have no place in dialogue. I do agree that sometimes one must say something that pricks at a person’s conscience or wakes them up. I don’t think it has to be deliberately wounding, though. That has no place. It all depends on what a person means by the word “sarcasm”.

I looked for the word “irony” in the CCC:

**2481 ***Boasting *or bragging is an offense against truth. So is *irony *aimed at disparaging someone by maliciously caricaturing some aspect of his behavior.

 

[blessedstar]

I am not encouranging people to be rude, but sometimes those being rude are giving you a chance to pratice virtuals of patience, humble, and love. It is not easy.

I tend to see it this way too Water.

Sometimes I read something and it might not be necessarily to do with something I have posted and its hard to check the first response of being annoyed by it, but I have to step back and see why a person may have posted what they have.

Not everyone is having a good day.
Not everyone is having a good life.
Not everyone was treated kindly
Not everyone is in good health
Not everyone is free of worry
Not everyone is secure in themselves
Not everyone is shown mercy in their life
Not everyone feels loved

It is very hard to be merciful if you have never been treated mercifully by someone else. People can be hard on themselves and hard on others.

Love always excuses, always forgives and always begins again.

In the Living Prayer of my life

 

[ronnette]

Thank you so much for posting this. I find it incredibly comforting. I thought it was just me- I really did.

This is not my first time here. I had another account under a different username, a long time ago. I left the forum for this very reason- because I was so horrified at the level of unkindness I found around this place, and so personally affected by particularly thoughtless things certain individuals said to me, that I could hardly even believe I was among Christians at all.

I set up this account to come back and ask a specific question that I knew would get a helpful and apt answer. I enjoyed a few other threads, and ended up choosing to come back to stay. I do not, however, feel even remotely comfortable discussing anything personal here ever again, after the way I was treated the first time. I also don’t post regularly now, and doubt I ever will again. Mostly, I lurk. Some of the more judgmental and callous types on this board have indeed driven me away, to a degree- and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Just because we are called to love (agape) such people and pray for them, doesn’t make their behavior any less wrong. There’s simply no excuse for it.

One more clue: A person whose mental illness, marital problems, moral struggles, or abuse/dysfunction situation in life was actively triggered and/or worsened by a cruel remark here, deserves an apology, not a self-righteous admonishment to “offer it up”. 1. Not everyone is capable of that at every given point in life; and 2. Victim-blaming is not cool. It’s especially not cool when I see adult posters (as in, midlife or older) mistreating teenaged posters like this. Once again, I’ll keep the peace by not naming names. But I saw it, and I was shocked.

This place needs to improve itself. Wonderful as many people and topics are here, there’s a lot of work left to be done yet.

 

[blessedstar]

Thank you so much for posting this. I find it incredibly comforting. I thought it was just me- I really did.

This is not my first time here. I had another account under a different username, a long time ago. I left the forum for this very reason- because I was so horrified at the level of unkindness I found around this place, and so personally affected by particularly thoughtless things certain individuals said to me, that I could hardly even believe I was among Christians at all.

I set up this account to come back and ask a specific question that I knew would get a helpful and apt answer. I enjoyed a few other threads, and ended up choosing to come back to stay. I do not, however, feel even remotely comfortable discussing anything personal here ever again, after the way I was treated the first time. I also don’t post regularly now, and doubt I ever will again. Mostly, I lurk. Some of the more judgmental and callous types on this board have indeed driven me away, to a degree- and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Just because we are called to love (agape) such people and pray for them, doesn’t make their behavior any less wrong. There’s simply no excuse for it.

One more clue: A person whose mental illness, abuse or dysfunction situation in life was actively triggered and/or worsened by a cruel remark here deserves an apology, not a self-righteous admonishment to “offer it up”. 1. Not everyone is capable of that at every given point in life; and 2. Victim-blaming is not cool.

This place needs to improve itself. Wonderful as many people and topics are here, there’s a lot of work left to be done yet.

My goodness I’m sorry you have been so hurt. I don’t condone anything wrong that people do, my heart breaks that they do it and it breaks at my own sins and it breaks that as a result people suffer.

I hope this time you come to have a better experience on the forums and if people do offend, then don’t reply to them if you don’t want to.

I think if people merely told you to ‘offer it up’ with no compassion for you and your situation then that is at best ‘cold’ of heart.

Wherever there’s people there’s problems but there is also a lot of love. See the love and think of that and don’t take any notice of the rest.

In the Living Prayer of my life

 

[LISA_Annette]

One more clue: A person whose mental illness, marital problems, moral struggles, or abuse/dysfunction situation in life was actively triggered and/or worsened by a cruel remark here, deserves an apology, not a self-righteous admonishment to “offer it up”. 1. Not everyone is capable of that at every given point in life; and 2. Victim-blaming is not cool. It’s especially not cool when I see adult posters (as in, midlife or older) mistreating teenaged posters like this. Once again, I’ll keep the peace by not naming names. But I saw it, and I was shocked.

This place needs to improve itself. Wonderful as many people and topics are here, there’s a lot of work left to be done yet.

I think I have witnessed exactly what you have witnessed, and I did find it appalling to see an adult poster mistreating a teen poster—to think, that could have been my daughter being verbally thrashed. I will not get any more specific than that.

 

[LISA_Annette]

I am not encouranging people to be rude, but sometimes those being rude are giving you a chance to pratice virtuals of patience, humble, and love. It is not easy.

This is good advice for the spirited people out there who can take in stride an exchange of uncharitable words. I can keep civil words or just ignore the post because I naturally dislike exchanging snide remarks or sarcasms—this does not take any supernatural practice of patience and love on my part. ** What is difficult** is forgetting the blast (eg., I had someone ask me if I had a brain on another forum)—I have a BIG problem speaking my mind on hot topics (eg., abortion, homosexuality) because I am afraid to sound dumb, so this embarrassed me immensely. I tried, and got blasted.

 

[water]

I have a BIG problem speaking my mind on hot topics (eg., abortion, homosexuality) because I am afraid to sound dumb, so this embarrassed me immensely. I tried, and got blasted.

You know Lisa Annette, sometimes being afraid or unsure what to say is a good thing - it is a way to stop you from saying things you don’t mean to. It is also a way to humble yourself.

Discussing is not to win but to understand. When one tries to win a debate, he will likely to lose his temper.

 

[LISA_Annette]

You know Lisa Annette, sometimes being afraid or unsure what to say is a good thing - it is a way to stop you from saying things you don’t mean to. It is also a way to humble yourself.

Discussing is not to win but to understand. When one tries to win a debate, he will likely to lose his temper.

I can see that it is a good thing to choose your words. But no matter what, the exchange was not a debate, so there was nothing to win—The discussion was pretty factual about a news article on another forum on another another web site. Being* afraid or fearful*in general is not the same thing as being prudent with your words.