Care of elderly mother

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I am the only child of six who lives in the same town as our mother, age 86. Ten days ago she broke her ankle. This is the most recent in a series of falls. She has broken both hips and both wrists. Each time I am responsible for her care and getting her to dr.'s appts., rehabilitation, etc… I am starting to get resentful and I don’t like myself for it. She doesn’t like to use her walker or wear sensible shoes (not fashionable enough). Her memory is slipping and her hearing is shot even with hearing aides. I tell her that I’ll take care of things but she forgets what I’ve said and undoes everything I’ve done. I’m very frustrated with her and then I feel like a bad daughter because I don’t have the warm, fuzzy feeling for her that I guess I should have.

I love my mother but she can be very cold and unfeeling. I still do everything for her but I don’t want to and I feel guilty because I don’t want to. She still thinks I’m a kid and tries to tell me what to do. I’m 48 and she has been trying to control me for 48 years. Am I a bad daughter? Or just stressed out? I also have a husband, 15 year old twins and a 10 year old son.

Just a rant. Thank you for letting me get it off my chest.
 
Boy, are we twins?

I am 49 and my mother is 92. As the youngest of 7 it fell to me to be her companion and care-taker. I went along with this until 3 years ago when my mother fell and shattered her knee. She was in the hospital for about 3 weeks and then a nursing home for 4 months. I layed down the law with all my siblings.
Most of them still do not go out of their way to help, but my mother finally became aware of how much I was doing for her and how little the others did. She now will call them for doctor’s appointments.
I take my mother grocery shopping every Saturday and at the beginning of the summer tried to organize it so each of us took a week. Everyone fell through on their promises and I ended up getting only 2 Saturdays during June July & August when I did not have to take her shopping.
I know how difficult it is not to get resentful, my mother is very similar in temperment. I usually vent to my husband (he is a saint sometimes) and then I feel a little better. When it gets real bad, I contact one of my siblings and TELL them, not ask, that they need to take her shopping the coming weekend.
Feel free to vent to me anytime you want. I have been there, done that and more!
God Bless.
 
Thank you, Edie. I guess I needed a kindred spirit. You helped more than you know.

Moira
 
Feel free to PM or email me anytime you need to vent. Us only children in large families have to stick together!😛
 
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moira:
I am the only child of six who lives in the same town as our mother, age 86. Ten days ago she broke her ankle. This is the most recent in a series of falls. She has broken both hips and both wrists. Each time I am responsible for her care and getting her to dr.'s appts., rehabilitation, etc… I am starting to get resentful and I don’t like myself for it. She doesn’t like to use her walker or wear sensible shoes (not fashionable enough). Her memory is slipping and her hearing is shot even with hearing aides. I tell her that I’ll take care of things but she forgets what I’ve said and undoes everything I’ve done. I’m very frustrated with her and then I feel like a bad daughter because I don’t have the warm, fuzzy feeling for her that I guess I should have.

I love my mother but she can be very cold and unfeeling. I still do everything for her but I don’t want to and I feel guilty because I don’t want to. She still thinks I’m a kid and tries to tell me what to do. I’m 48 and she has been trying to control me for 48 years. Am I a bad daughter? Or just stressed out? I also have a husband, 15 year old twins and a 10 year old son.

Just a rant. Thank you for letting me get it off my chest.
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Hi Moira! 👋

For what it’s worth, here’s my 2 cents.

Love is an action that may or not be accompanied by a warm, fuzzy feeling. We can love someone and not feel particularly loving.

Your mom probably didn’t feel very warm and fuzzy toward you when you got up screaming in the middle of the night as a baby, or when she had to change your poopy diaper just as she was walking out the door or when she was cleaning your vomit out of her hair or disciplining you for the 15th time in one day. She was loving you by the action of taking care of you, not by feeling like it.

Jesus calls us to action. Jesus, himself, is waiting for you in the needs of your mother. She may resent having to be taken care of as much as you do having to take care of her. But love is about sacrifice, giving what little we have for the good of another. It’s all gift; your mother, your time, your abilities, the opportunity to show your love for God by caring for his beloved child.

Don’t feel guilty because you don’t want to. Be thankful that God gives you the grace to do it anyway. The fact that you DO do it even though you don’t want to shows the depth of the love that you have for your mother and the Lord. Don’t let the Evil One use your feelings to discourage you. Offer everything up to the Lord for the good of the kingdom. Your actions do not go unnoticed by God.

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
 
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moira:
I am the only child of six who lives in the same town as our mother, age 86. Ten days ago she broke her ankle. This is the most recent in a series of falls. She has broken both hips and both wrists. Each time I am responsible for her care and getting her to dr.'s appts., rehabilitation, etc… I am starting to get resentful and I don’t like myself for it. She doesn’t like to use her walker or wear sensible shoes (not fashionable enough). Her memory is slipping and her hearing is shot even with hearing aides. I tell her that I’ll take care of things but she forgets what I’ve said and undoes everything I’ve done. I’m very frustrated with her and then I feel like a bad daughter because I don’t have the warm, fuzzy feeling for her that I guess I should have.

I love my mother but she can be very cold and unfeeling. I still do everything for her but I don’t want to and I feel guilty because I don’t want to. She still thinks I’m a kid and tries to tell me what to do. I’m 48 and she has been trying to control me for 48 years. Am I a bad daughter? Or just stressed out? I also have a husband, 15 year old twins and a 10 year old son.

Just a rant. Thank you for letting me get it off my chest.
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You are not a bad daughter… In fact, you are doing more for your mother than most children do. Caregiver stress is very real, so real that there are support groups out there. There might be one in your area. Venting, and networking might be good for you. Also, have you thought of getting some help? Maybe, she might even be happy with a senior companion? Call your local Department of Adult and Aging Services… They should have some great resources for you.

Also, remember your family has to come first. I might get some slack for saying that. But, you have underage children. My mom went through the same thing that you are going through. She was the baby of eleven and expected to care for my Grandma and take care of us kids (she was the only one of her family that had underage children). I just remember really needing my mom. My grandma was my best friend growing up too… I was the same age as your twins, and I remember feeling a lot of guilt for needing my mom so much. I also remember all the stress my mom was under, it reflected on my family. It is a very difficult situation. You are in my prayers.
 
One more thing… Your siblings have to help you… You need to get them to come out and give you a break. Every once in a while my mom got this and it helped for a bit. They need to take vacation time or whatever it takes. Sorry now I am venting. It is just wrong that they aren’t there more for you. God bless…
 
My mom lives many states away from my elderly grandmother - in fact, 3 of the 9 sibs in mom’s family live out of state. The grown out of state children contribute financially, hire skilled care, etc. to give the in-town sibs relief.

Time for your sibs to ante up!
 
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Catholic4aReasn:
Hi Moira! 👋

For what it’s worth, here’s my 2 cents.

Love is an action that may or not be accompanied by a warm, fuzzy feeling. We can love someone and not feel particularly loving.

Your mom probably didn’t feel very warm and fuzzy toward you when you got up screaming in the middle of the night as a baby, or when she had to change your poopy diaper just as she was walking out the door or when she was cleaning your vomit out of her hair or disciplining you for the 15th time in one day. She was loving you by the action of taking care of you, not by feeling like it.

Jesus calls us to action. Jesus, himself, is waiting for you in the needs of your mother. She may resent having to be taken care of as much as you do having to take care of her. But love is about sacrifice, giving what little we have for the good of another. It’s all gift; your mother, your time, your abilities, the opportunity to show your love for God by caring for his beloved child.

Don’t feel guilty because you don’t want to. Be thankful that God gives you the grace to do it anyway. The fact that you DO do it even though you don’t want to shows the depth of the love that you have for your mother and the Lord. Don’t let the Evil One use your feelings to discourage you. Offer everything up to the Lord for the good of the kingdom. Your actions do not go unnoticed by God.

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
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I appreciated your post and I agree with most of it but I’ve been listening to the one about how my mother took care of me as an infant since the first time she broke a bone 12 years ago. I think there is a big difference between taking care of a baby that you wanted and do feel all warm and fuzzy about and an 86 yr. old who has been picking you to death since you were a child. Nothing is done right but since I’m the only one, it’ll have to do. We have many more issues than just me helping her. But you really helped when you said that love is an action and not a feeling. Thanks for that.
 
Appreciate your mother while she is here because whether you want to believe it or not, she IS a part of your life and you will miss her when she’s gone.

I could have written your opening post five years ago because I felt the same way about my situation. Then one day I went to visit her and found her dead on the floor – never expected it. While she was on in years and wasn’t in perfect health, there was also nothing to indicate that death might be just around the corner.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have been more patient, spent more time over there and have her spend more time with us whether she wanted to or not.
 
Of course I’d miss her if she wasn’t here. I didn’t mean to sound unfeeling. I think I’m just frustrated and stressed by the situation and needed to vent.
 
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