Care to confirm &/or calm my worries about a travel job for DH?

[StephanieC]

Here’s the nutshell:

DH will finish up a masters in August & begin the job hunt in a field that seems to be ideal for him.

Chances are high that any job worth the $ will involve travel, most likely: out Mon. & in Thurs.

He’s worked so hard & really needs this change of pace, physically, mentally & professionally.

I would really like to be able to say, “We won’t see you Mon-Thurs? Piece o’cake! We’ll miss you, but don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine!” and mean it.

My son is 2 and his sibling will be born in October. I do admit: I didn’t think I could handle DH’s triple and quadruple 12-hour night shifts when I was a brand-new mom, but looking back, we made it through these first 2 years of parenthood in pretty good shape. In fact, I’m actually grateful that I had to learn to fly solo sometimes.

I’m just wondering if there are any seasoned “travel job stay-at-home-moms” out there who could break down the positives and negatives of the experience, and give me more to consider as we ponder this possible change for our family.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Princess_Abby]

No advice in that area, but…congrats on the little one coming your way in October!!! How exciting!!!

 

[CatholicSam]

I don’t have experience with that from a wife’s perspective, but from a child’s. My dad was in the position that he would have to travel to get a well-paying job. I am so grateful to this day that he and my mom decided it was more important for him to be around on a daily basis. We went without vacations for many years, seldom ate out, and had to rent for several years. From my point of view, I would definitely take having my dad around over extra money any day. Pray about it.

 

[dulcissima]

I really don’t have any advice to give as far as whether or not your husband should take a job like this. There is a lot to weigh on both sides, and you’ll have to really talk about it together.

That being said, if he does decide that this is something that he really wants to try, there are some things that you can do to make it go better. Try to get a good understanding of what he will be doing while he is on the road, what his days will be like. Send him some nice emails. If he calls, be careful not to tell him about all of your trials and tribulations, especially if they are not anything he can DO anything about from another city. Men like to DO things and it is really frustrating to them to know that you are having problems and they can’t help. Call a friend or a sister if you just want someone to listen. Try to make sure that things are calm and quiet for the first little bit when he gets home. Be happy to see him, but give him a little space. Try to give the house a once over about an hour before he gets home, to make sure that their are no unwanted surprises before he gets home. Make sure that you are planning on having some nice homemade meals when he gets back. If he’s been eating out all week, he is going to want some home cooking. If Thursday is the day that he comes home, make sure that Thursday morning is the morning that you change the sheets. Coming home to fresh sheets and having a little bit of sanctuary in your own room is important. Make sure the kids will be ready to go to bed promptly so that you and your husband can have some alone time.

Make sure that you have enough interaction with other adults while he is gone. Have lunch out with friends. Sign up for a Bible study or an exercise class. Take the kids to the park. Go and get a spa pedicure for a mini vacation. In other words, make sure you look out for yourself.

Hopefully then once he gets a chance to come down from his trip, he can be refreshed and your family can spend some good quality time together.

I know my dad was in the Navy when I was a kid so he was gone a lot. We still had a great relationship. He always took the time to let me know how important I was, and would write me letters when he was gone. Even though he wasn’t always there, I always knew he was thinking about us.

Whatever you and your husband decide, there will be a way to make it work, as long as you are both committed.

 

[Nechasin]

Make sure that you are planning on having some nice homemade meals when he gets back. If he’s been eating out all week, he is going to want some home cooking.

Make sure that you have enough interaction with other adults while he is gone. Have lunch out with friends. Sign up for a Bible study or an exercise class. Take the kids to the park. Go and get a spa pedicure for a mini vacation. In other words, make sure you look out for yourself.

Every situation is different, and I’m not going to give advice on whether to take the job or not, just to give some ideas that I found worked in my life.

I have a job where I will travel for approximately 3-4 months (coming home every 2-3 weeks) every 12-18 months. So I have spent time away from home and dulcissima comment about the meals is right on. But, on the other hand, your husband should also realize that you may need a night off and go to a resturant.

Communication is the key to making a deal like this work. You have to let each other know what you are feeling and try to take the guess work out of figuring out each others emotions.

Having a support system for the stay at home parent is also essential. They will need adult time. My father is in the same business as me, so my dw had an excellent and understanding connection with my mother. She had someone to talk to who understood what the difficulties were.

Another thing that needs to be understood by the stay at home parent, is that the traveler isn’t on vacation. That seemed to be the most common issue that my dw and I developed. She made several allusions to that fact that since I’m not home, I must be on vacation and having a ton of fun with out her. Which was the furthest thing from the truth. I would much rather have been home than traveling.

One thing that we are going to do before my next trip, is set up webcams on the home computer and my laptop. This way the kids can see and interact with me when I’m not home. It is hard for young ones to understand the concept of a telephone. And while they may be listening, you talk and talk and talk and you don’t get feedback alot. A webcam will allow that feedback and interaction.

It definately can work, but I think it does take more work on both parties. I will keep you in my prayers while you discern this major step in your lives.

 

[bankerdavid]

Another thing to consider…much work can be done using technologies like VPN. So maybe he can, eventually, lessen the amount of time he’s gone. A webcam is a great idea, so you can actually see each other, and the kids can, sort of, interact with him. It takes a special person to be able to carry on a married life this way. I could hardly handle commuting 3 hours a day!

Another thought would be to take care of your spiritual life together…

There was a cute commercial several months ago of a traveling dad who actually took his daughter to “a business meeting in London”. On occasion, maybe you could go to work with him.

How distant will he be? Cross country, or a commuter flight away?

 

[StephanieC]

I don’t have experience with that from a wife’s perspective, but from a child’s. My dad was in the position that he would have to travel to get a well-paying job. I am so grateful to this day that he and my mom decided it was more important for him to be around on a daily basis. We went without vacations for many years, seldom ate out, and had to rent for several years. From my point of view, I would definitely take having my dad around over extra money any day. Pray about it.

Thanks for that perspective, Sam. That’s definitely one of the reservations, although, in my opinion, the “best” time to be away from your kids is when they’re little. Not that I want DH away from us at all, but I’d rather him be around when our kids are older and looking for him (and not me 24/7).
Unfortunately, I can only wish that it was just about having some extra money. There are some long-term physical health realities we need to consider, and his current job just isn’t going to be an option for him for the next 20 years.

 

[StephanieC]

I really don’t have any advice to give as far as whether or not your husband should take a job like this. There is a lot to weigh on both sides, and you’ll have to really talk about it together.

…

Whatever you and your husband decide, there will be a way to make it work, as long as you are both committed.

Dulcissima, thanks. Your post is full of the kind of practical stuff that makes a scary unknown more of a “do-able” possibility!

 

[StephanieC]

Communication is the key to making a deal like this work. You have to let each other know what you are feeling and try to take the guess work out of figuring out each others emotions.
…
It definately can work, but I think it does take more work on both parties. I will keep you in my prayers while you discern this major step in your lives.

Thanks, Nechasin. And thanks for the prayers. Your point about taking out the guesswork is something that I see we both have to commit to doing now, with the current night-shift schedule. I can’t let things stew all day while he’s trying to sleep, otherwise he wakes up blinking to a woman on the warpath! And he’s had to learn to give me a little “heads up” for what he has mentally planned for his time off.

 

[exiled]

My husband is gone about 2-3 weeks out of each month, and there is only one way to handle it, routine, routine, routine!
I have 6 children, ages 1-11, and I homeschool. My evening routine (when Daddy would normally be coming home) has to remain pretty consistent.
Weather permitting, after dinner, we will take a walk or go to a nearby playground. That gives them the fun they would have if Daddy were in town and it gets me over the hump until bedtime.
Around 7 or 7:30 we begin showers/baths, and that can provide some entertainment until that final bedtime hour.
Consistent discipline regarding bedtime will be important for you, too. You will want your child to know, in no uncertain terms, that the day is done after reading/prayers/whatever, and it is time for rest. That said, as someone who practices “attachment parenting”, I will put my little ones to bed in my room (we call it “camp out” when Daddy isn’t here) but with the same firm understanding that day is done.
There are also easy and nutritous meals, paper plates and plastic ware to use while DH is gone. That way, cleanup is a breeze, you’re not too tired, and you can spend that extra time with your child who will certainly feel the absence of the travelling parent.
BTW-daily Mass is a great way to get out each day!

 

[StephanieC]

Another thing to consider…much work can be done using technologies like VPN. So maybe he can, eventually, lessen the amount of time he’s gone. A webcam is a great idea, so you can actually see each other, and the kids can, sort of, interact with him. It takes a special person to be able to carry on a married life this way. I could hardly handle commuting 3 hours a day!

Another thought would be to take care of your spiritual life together…

There was a cute commercial several months ago of a traveling dad who actually took his daughter to “a business meeting in London”. On occasion, maybe you could go to work with him.

How distant will he be? Cross country, or a commuter flight away?

Good points re: technology. Right now the distance is an unknown, because this is all hypothetical. We’d probably be wise to prepare ourselves for the cross country possibility, and then anything closer is gravy.

You’re right, I think it does take a special person to be able to do this…and I married him! I started this thread b/c of my worries that*** I*** am not this special person’s ideal wife for a travel job! If there were no options & we had to do this, of course I’d make it work for us somehow. But since we’ve got time to consider all options…well, here I am .

 

[Brendan]

For the last few years, I had a travel job ( spent one year commuting each week from Detroit to San Jose,CA), the last year of that was global travel ( Korea )

We had 4 kids then, we now have 5 ( currently 8, 6, 4, 2 and 6 weeks)

One of the big things that make is work is regular communication. If you have a good internet connection, get a web cam and a good IM client ( I used MSN Messenger)

We could get the kids on the web cam and have a good talk.

When I went to different areas, I’d bring a small item home that related to my trip ( if I went to an auto plant, I’d bring home a toy version of the car they made there). Nothing big generally ( though I did bring home Korean dresses for the girls from Korea). It helps the kids relate to what I do.

It IS rough though, and It REALLY helps to have a supportive wife.

When another position opened up that was local, I jumped on it.

One thing it did was help both of us grow into the role of parents and to respect each other more. That’s really when we became a TEAM in our parenting.

 

[StephanieC]

My husband is gone about 2-3 weeks out of each month, and there is only one way to handle it, routine, routine, routine!
I have 6 children, ages 1-11, and I homeschool. My evening routine (when Daddy would normally be coming home) has to remain pretty consistent.
Weather permitting, after dinner, we will take a walk or go to a nearby playground. That gives them the fun they would have if Daddy were in town and it gets me over the hump until bedtime.
Around 7 or 7:30 we begin showers/baths, and that can provide some entertainment until that final bedtime hour.
Consistent discipline regarding bedtime will be important for you, too. You will want your child to know, in no uncertain terms, that the day is done after reading/prayers/whatever, and it is time for rest. That said, as someone who practices “attachment parenting”, I will put my little ones to bed in my room (we call it “camp out” when Daddy isn’t here) but with the same firm understanding that day is done.
There are also easy and nutritous meals, paper plates and plastic ware to use while DH is gone. That way, cleanup is a breeze, you’re not too tired, and you can spend that extra time with your child who will certainly feel the absence of the travelling parent.
BTW-daily Mass is a great way to get out each day!

Wow, Exiled, you have my admiration! Homeschooling is also a possibility for us, too, so I hope you won’t mind if I ask you some more questions (of course you don’t have to answer!):

Do you have family nearby? Who is your support?
Have you had to deal with emergencies (ER or household repairs, etc) on your own?
Do you live in a city/suburbs/rural? (Safety/fear factor at work, here! )

These are more of the big unknowns for me.

Our daily/weekly routine is pretty well set right now–including daily Mass. We’ll see how the second baby affects everything. (I have no expectations of a normal fall/winter this year!) Paper plates are beautiful things, indeed.

 

[StephanieC]

For the last few years, I had a travel job ( spent one year commuting each week from Detroit to San Jose,CA), the last year of that was global travel ( Korea )

We had 4 kids then, we now have 5 ( currently 8, 6, 4, 2 and 6 weeks)

One of the big things that make is work is regular communication. If you have a good internet connection, get a web cam and a good IM client ( I used MSN Messenger)

We could get the kids on the web cam and have a good talk.

When I went to different areas, I’d bring a small item home that related to my trip ( if I went to an auto plant, I’d bring home a toy version of the car they made there). Nothing big generally ( though I did bring home Korean dresses for the girls from Korea). It helps the kids relate to what I do.

It IS rough though, and It REALLY helps to have a supportive wife.

When another position opened up that was local, I jumped on it.

One thing it did was help both of us grow into the role of parents and to respect each other more. That’s really when we became a TEAM in our parenting.

Brendan, congrats on the new baby. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Do you think you would you tend to agree or disagree with my thought that if there were a “best” time for a daddy to have to be away from his kids, it’s when they are younger? (Leaving out the wife’s role, that is–of course those years are typically more demanding on her role.) Just wondering about your relationships with each of your kids & theirs with you.

 

[water]

to find out how you feel for sure. Let him just stay at motels for couple of days per week, and see how much you miss him or how much you feel comfortable about it.

such experiment might help you; however, the real situation is more difficult.

 

[cecilia97]

Here’s the nutshell:

DH will finish up a masters in August & begin the job hunt in a field that seems to be ideal for him.

Chances are high that any job worth the $ will involve travel, most likely: out Mon. & in Thurs.

He’s worked so hard & really needs this change of pace, physically, mentally & professionally.

I would really like to be able to say, “We won’t see you Mon-Thurs? Piece o’cake! We’ll miss you, but don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine!” and mean it.

My son is 2 and his sibling will be born in October. I do admit: I didn’t think I could handle DH’s triple and quadruple 12-hour night shifts when I was a brand-new mom, but looking back, we made it through these first 2 years of parenthood in pretty good shape. In fact, I’m actually grateful that I had to learn to fly solo sometimes.

I’m just wondering if there are any seasoned “travel job stay-at-home-moms” out there who could break down the positives and negatives of the experience, and give me more to consider as we ponder this possible change for our family.

Thanks in advance!

Stephanie,

All I can say is my own experience as a kid. My father traveled a fair bit when I was young, and much much more as I got into high school years. He flew enough miles his last few years of work to earn one airlines highest level of frequent flyer. He would leave Monday morning and be back Friday afternoon most weeks of the year.

Granted, when I was 5 and 6, etc, he was in town a lot. But when I was older, we just made sure to have family time on the weekends. I haven’t seen any ill effects in our relationship, Dad and I are “buddies” now that I’m adult and I rather idolized him as a teenager. About the worst thing I can say is that Mom had to do all of the weekly discipline, since Dad was not there to take half the “bad guy” status when I got into trouble.

 

[Brendan]

Brendan, congrats on the new baby. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Do you think you would you tend to agree or disagree with my thought that if there were a “best” time for a daddy to have to be away from his kids, it’s when they are younger? (Leaving out the wife’s role, that is–of course those years are typically more demanding on her role.) Just wondering about your relationships with each of your kids & theirs with you.

I can’t really say if one time is better than any other, as I only have experience with one.

Having the small children at home was probably harder on my wife, than if there were older ones, (especially ones who could drive)

I would think that it would be harder to remain in my kid’s lives to the extent that I did if they were older. My kids thought web cams were neat and would be happy to spent time talking on the phone with me. I don’t really imagine teenagers do that to the same extent.

 

[StephanieC]

Stephanie,

All I can say is my own experience as a kid. My father traveled a fair bit when I was young, and much much more as I got into high school years. He flew enough miles his last few years of work to earn one airlines highest level of frequent flyer. He would leave Monday morning and be back Friday afternoon most weeks of the year.

Granted, when I was 5 and 6, etc, he was in town a lot. But when I was older, we just made sure to have family time on the weekends. I haven’t seen any ill effects in our relationship, Dad and I are “buddies” now that I’m adult and I rather idolized him as a teenager. About the worst thing I can say is that Mom had to do all of the weekly discipline, since Dad was not there to take half the “bad guy” status when I got into trouble.

Thank, Cecilia. I do appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut from all parts of the family. Our 2 year old knows that if he doesn’t see Daddy, he’ll usuallly ask (partly in sign) if Daddy’s at work?–or asleep? Then on his days/nights off, they get their rough-housing & story time & blocks, etc., caught up.

 

[StephanieC]

I can’t really say if one time is better than any other, as I only have experience with one.

Having the small children at home was probably harder on my wife, than if there were older ones, (especially ones who could drive)

I would think that it would be harder to remain in my kid’s lives to the extent that I did if they were older. My kids thought web cams were neat and would be happy to spent time talking on the phone with me. I don’t really imagine teenagers do that to the same extent.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

 

[exiled]

Wow, Exiled, you have my admiration! Homeschooling is also a possibility for us, too, so I hope you won’t mind if I ask you some more questions (of course you don’t have to answer!):

Do you have family nearby? Who is your support?
Have you had to deal with emergencies (ER or household repairs, etc) on your own?
Do you live in a city/suburbs/rural? (Safety/fear factor at work, here! )

These are more of the big unknowns for me.

Our daily/weekly routine is pretty well set right now–including daily Mass. We’ll see how the second baby affects everything. (I have no expectations of a normal fall/winter this year!) Paper plates are beautiful things, indeed.

No, I do not have family nearby, but I do have a wonderful church/military community, and they are like no people I’ve ever known before.
There have been no ER trips, but I feel confident that one phone call and all of these dear people would “circle the wagons” and help me through. Imagine all those women who’s husbands are in Iraq!
My husband did send me out in a storm, to climb on our boat while he talked me through unhooking the boat battery so I could hook it to the sump pump. Then, when the power was out, I could prevent flooding in the basement. Carrying that battery off of the boat, which was also on a trailer was a bit of a pain, but all’s well that ends well, right?
I live about 10 miles from town, not near a city. At some point you just have to ask the guardian angels to help you, and trust that God’s Will be done.
Of course, we’ll have to see if I’m still saying that when I do have an ER trip!