Caregiver needs advice

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Hi Everyone. Bless you for reading.

My best friend of 15 years is a practicing alcoholic. I have been his primary caregiver for 4 years. We are both single [divorced] I am converting to Catholicism [The only light in my life right now, besides my two dogs] He is like a brother to me. We have both helped each other out over the years.

We both have been rooming together since our divorces. Since then I was downsized and now co-teach autistic kids and do some tutoring. I got him a job after his cabinet shop closed, and he recently lost it due to drinking. He owns the house we live in. I no longer make much money, but I think I MIGHT be able to make it on my own. I have mild aspergers and this really gets in the way of relationships with women. [My meds have the side effect of making chaste an easy prospect] I have also had a mild stroke.

He is killing himself. AA, treatment centers, all have failed. He wants to drink. His mother is mentally ill. He has no one but me. He has had many close calls. I have prayed myself silly over this. He just got home from a detox center Monday, and is already drinking.

I can’t take much more. I feel sure if I leave he might very well die or do something stupid. I have lost my retirement savings over this, I am 52. I have two dogs. They are my kids. This makes leaving even harder. I am no good at tough love, I am simply not wired that way. I don’t buy him booze, and I try to avoid him whenever possible while he is drunk. I just try to keep him alive. Two weeks ago, I had to call 911 because he fell for the 100th time, but this time he opened a gash in his head that required stitches.

My family and friends have been supportive, but not his. I am his only friend, and his family just isn’t there. What should I do??? I am already financially ruined. I have mega student loans. There are only so many forbearances one can get. I don’t want to believe he is just using me, I have aspergers, but I am far from stupid. I had a very high IQ until the stroke which dulled me down. We have always joked about being the modern day “odd couple.” [and NO I, am NOT a wifey or hubby!!]:eek:

I have always thought “what would our Lord do” in this situation. I felt strongly that I had been doing this. But I don’t think the Lord wants me to end up with a heart attack or full fledged stroke either.

Thank you for your time. Bless all of you! The ONLY joy I have right now is my new RC family. My church totally ROCKS! Please share your thoughts and prayers.:crying:
 
You probably don’t want to hear this, but you are likely enabling his alcoholism. Your friend is probably heading for institutionalization, which might be the safest and best thing for him. Make a plan to live on your own.
 
First of all let me put your mind at ease on one thing…he is not “using you”…but you are being used.
By that I mean - he is not deliberately using you in a conscious and malicious way.
What he is doing is using what is available to him to continue to support his habit.
The habit is what is important to him, not you, not the house, or work or anything else…
The sad thing is that this is likely to never change.

I must agree with Paul above…you need to look to yourself and you need to do it as soon as you can.
This does not mean you don’t continue to love him and pray for him…but it does likely mean cutting off all contact with him.
The reason I say this is because you admit you are no good at tough love - and if you move out and still have contact - he will continue to try to hold onto you - turning to you for help (most likely monetary) etc. Then you could find yourself in the same “enabling” situation only worse - -

You might consider calling AA yourself - they also work with folks like yourself who are affected by the alcoholism of others. They can explain these things much better than I can. - You might find THIS helpful, and This Questionnaire on the site might be useful to get you started.

Good Luck - and also - Welcome Home to the Church.

Peace
James
 
PaulfromIowa said:
You probably don’t want to hear this, but you are likely enabling his alcoholism. Your friend is probably heading for institutionalization, which might be the safest and best thing for him. Make a plan to live on your own.
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This advice is sound. Alcoholics have to face their problem and WANT to stop or they will never do it. Your presence may–or may not–prolong his life, but it will once and for all finally destroy yours–and you already know this inside. Yes, your friend will probably die—or if he’s lucky, he may get institutionalized if the powers that be realize that he is on his own and has nobody to take care of him. BUT his continued drinking will certainly lead to his early death one way or another–and you admit yourself that your presence doesn’t keep him from drinking. So, you aren’t helping him–you are only further harming yourself. And, just as sidebar–who will help you when you find yourself older, destitute and unable to work? When he dies, will you get his house or will you then be faced with moving anyway–only then you’ll be at least a little older even than now and less able to make any kind of future for yourself? MOVE. Try to make a life for yourself with some stability. Pray for your friend and check on him from time to time. But you definitely need to let go of this toxic situation–dogs or not–and find a place to move and get on with your own life. You can’t help this friend and you are NOT helping him–and yes, that is sad indeed.
 
I have Aspergers as well, and that is complicating your situation. It is very hard for us to walk away from an unjust situation of any kind. It was very wise advice to say that while your friend is not deliberately using you, you are being used. It is our nature to want to help someone who is helpless and being needed makes us feel normal. I have been lucky in that I have a husband who protects me and does not intentionally take advantage of me, but my son who also has Aspergers has been taken advantage of by many girls. We are unable to see the real dynamics of a social situation until it is too late.

You do need to make a plan to live on your own. This situation is not good for you, it is ruining your life, and you cannot really help your friend. I am sorry about your stroke. Usually we are able to make use of our intellectual gifts to compensate for our social blindness. Do you have family who can help you get on your feet in a different living arrangement?

I hope things improve soon. I can definitely empathize.
If you are looking for a girlfriend, try to meet people through the forums at wrongplanet.net or intellect connect. Aspie girls get snapped up pretty quick being attractive to the much larger pool of Aspie men, but there may be some older, unattached ones out there. Genetically speaking, it does not produce the best gene pool…as I well know.
 
Thank you all SO very much for your thoughtful advice. Converting to Catholicism is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life, and you are all proof of that! What would we do without this ministry?
 
Eleanor61 said:
I have Aspergers as well, and that is complicating your situation. It is very hard for us to walk away from an unjust situation of any kind. It was very wise advice to say that while your friend is not deliberately using you, you are being used. It is our nature to want to help someone who is helpless and being needed makes us feel normal. I have been lucky in that I have a husband who protects me and does not intentionally take advantage of me, but my son who also has Aspergers has been taken advantage of by many girls. We are unable to see the real dynamics of a social situation until it is too late.

You do need to make a plan to live on your own. This situation is not good for you, it is ruining your life, and you cannot really help your friend. I am sorry about your stroke. Usually we are able to make use of our intellectual gifts to compensate for our social blindness. Do you have family who can help you get on your feet in a different living arrangement?

I hope things improve soon. I can definitely empathize.
If you are looking for a girlfriend, try to meet people through the forums at wrongplanet.net or intellect connect. Aspie girls get snapped up pretty quick being attractive to the much larger pool of Aspie men, but there may be some older, unattached ones out there. Genetically speaking, it does not produce the best gene pool…as I well know.
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Thank you so much Eleanor! Twelve years ago, he gave me a car to use, and these things are in my mind as if they happened yesterday. Everyone here including you, are right with your advice, but yes, it is extreme torment to sit by and watch this ship sink and allow it to happen. And the dogs, what if I have to leave the dogs? This is just tearing me up.

I estimate I have a week or two before he goes back to 24hr drinking. I may have that long to decide or come up with a plan, maybe longer. I of course will pray on it, go to mass, ask the Saints for help and light enough candles to burn Atlanta down again.:knight1:
[And pray the Rosary] I’ve pulled all the stops out.

It saddens me greatly to hear that what your son is going through. The same things happened to me, it was awful. I was in my late teens to the early 20s. My ex, well that would be a very long story starting out with the fact she was a pot head. Unacceptable, yet I walked right into it, eyes wide open. I thought I could fix her. I want to hurl, just thinking about it all.

Well thank you so much for sharing the fact that your an aspie! So are Bill and Melinda Gates! I look forward to talking with you again very much.

Eric
 
Thank you so much Eleanor! Twelve years ago, he gave me a car to use, and these things are in my mind as if they happened yesterday. Everyone here including you, are right with your advice, but yes, it is extreme torment to sit by and watch this ship sink and allow it to happen. And the dogs, what if I have to leave the dogs? This is just tearing me up.

I estimate I have a week or two before he goes back to 24hr drinking. I may have that long to decide or come up with a plan, maybe longer. I of course will pray on it, go to mass, ask the Saints for help and light enough candles to burn Atlanta down again.
[And pray the Rosary] I’ve pulled all the stops out.

It saddens me greatly to hear that what your son is going through. The same things happened to me, it was awful. I was in my late teens to the early 20s. My ex, well that would be a very long story starting out with the fact she was a pot head. Unacceptable, yet I walked right into it, eyes wide open. I thought I could fix her. I want to hurl, just thinking about it all.

Well thank you so much for sharing the fact that your an aspie! So are Bill and Melinda Gates! I look forward to talking with you again very much.

Eric
 
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