Catholic advice on recovering from miscarriage

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Delphinus

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Hey all, I’ve been on break for a long while now since I lost my baby a month ago.

I kind of thought things would get easier after a month. I admit there is a lot to be grateful for. My amazing students (I teach at a public school), my husband and my 18 month old, my in-laws, and, of course, the unfailing love of Jesus who has drawn so close to me through this…

But I’m wondering if any Catholic men and women out there would be willing to share what recovery from miscarriage was like for them? I feel like I’m lost in a maze with all of this. Some days I am perfectly fine and well-adjusted. Some days it’s a miracle I manage to get out of bed…and…frankly…some days I don’t get out of bed. (Only had 2 of those, honestly. I have great support so no responsibilities were neglected.)

I’m trying so hard to stay positive, and as I said it holds together well some days. But then there are days like today where it just feels like the whole world is dark. Like all the magic is just gone from the world and it feels so dark and cold and…indifferent.

Does it ever really get better? Does the random shut-downs that come out of the blue really stop? Why can’t I stop thinking about my poor lost one, and what is to become of him or her?
 
I was in the same place you are now in the winter of last year.

It did get better for me in a few months time. It helped me immensely to talk to my preist about the loss. He told me some things that were very comforting. I know the church does not explicitly teach this, but my preist assured me my baby was in heaven, as I intended to baptize him or her, but he died before birth. He stated because God is merciful my baby would go right to heaven. And since we can assume that, my baby can pray for me and can see our family and his/her siblings here on earth, while at the same time being perfectly happy for all eternity with God. Even though I can’t know this for sure, the hope of it still comforts me to this day. It also helped me to let go of the grief. I found that I felt worse when I would talk about the loss or dwell on it in my thoughts.

Right after the loss I prayed for Jesus to hold my baby and tell him I loved him. That also made me feel better.

The loss also made me start praying more in general, which has helped me grow in my faith and I think handle lifes ups and downs better in general. I loss my baby December 11 and a month later in January I started saying the rosary daily and I’ve kept it up.

It does get better. I will be praying for you and your family.
 
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I greatly appreciate the prayers. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I think the hardest thing for me is the “trusting them to God’s mercy” bit. If nothing else I want to be the mother who taught her kids about Jesus and the fact that I didn’t have the chance to even have him or her baptized is incredibly painful. You know? Thanks again.
 
I completely understand what you mean. It was very, very hard for me to, kind of, ‘let go’ of the loss, to just trust that my baby was okay.

Other things that helped the ‘shut downs’ as you aptly label them was to force myself to care for others, my husband and my son especially. Even though I was hurting immensely on the inside, forcing myself to focus on others helped pull me out of that dark place. And to appreciate the things I still had in life.

My husband pushed me towards that. In a moment of frustration over a little crying session I was having he told me to “get over it”. I was really hurt at first and he did later aplogize, but in the end he was right.

I’ll never know what happened to cause the loss, why I had that cross to bear, what good would come of it for me or anyone else. I reminded myself of those things often and with time I started to trust and not worry.
 
“Trust and not worry” that’s a beautiful sentiment. You are an incredible person. Thank you. I hope with time I can get there, too. <3
 
I’m was right there a couple months ago. I wish I could tell you the secret. I don’t know what it is. I don’t think one ever forgets.

I just gave it all over to God. All the pain and suffering and tears and anger. Especially anger.

This scripture really helped:

“Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6-7‬ ‭NABRE‬‬

 
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Thank you so much for that. Scripture passages are always a huge help. I am sorry for your loss as well. One thing that’s amazed me going through this is how many people it has happened to. I’m so grateful for Catholics willing to talk about it…secular advice is so…out of line with my worldview, you know?
 
I’m so sorry for your loss :cry:
Like all grief, you never “get over” it, but over time the wound get easier to bear.
It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to reach out to people.
You’re also not alone. A great many women have been through this, but it’s difficult to talk about it because often we haven’t even told anybody we’re pregnant yet.
I’ll remember you in my prayers :pray:t2:
 
It does get better but I wouldn’t say it ever goes away. One thing that helped me was naming my children no matter how far along I was or if I knew their gender. It helped to do something tangible and unique for each one. For one of my early miscarriages I wrote her name on a balloon and released it. Another baby that was still born I placed his name on a locket that holds his picture and some of his hair.

Every October 15 at 7PM we light a candle for at least an hour and have quiet time remembering our little ones.

http://www.october15th.com/

I will pray for your family.
 
All of this. Especially lighting a candle on October 15 for the Wave of Light. I’ve had 4 miscarriages and it’s easier for me personally to honor them all that night.

Grief never really goes away. It becomes a part of you and becomes more manageable over time. But it’s always there and still creeps up on me every once in a while, even years later.

After our first miscarriage, we had our deacon give us the Blessing of Parents After a Miscarriage or Stillbirth. That was very helpful as well. http://www.usccb.org/prayer-and-wor...parents-after-a-miscarriage-or-stillbirth.cfm

I found the book After Miscarriage by Karen Edmiston helpful as well. I’ve read through it multiple times over the last few years. https://www.amazon.com/After-Miscarriage-Catholic-Companion-Healing/dp/0867169974
 
The scripture reading in the blessing I mentioned above has become my favorite.

Lam 3:17-18, 21-24

My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is;
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hope for from the LORD.

But I will call this to mind,
as my reason to have hope:
The favors of the LORD are not exhausted,
his mercies are not spent;
They are renewed each morning,
so great is his faithfulness.
My portion is the LORD, says my soul;
therefore I will hope in him.
 
Delphinus said:
If nothing else I want to be the mother who taught her kids about Jesus and the fact that I didn’t have the chance to even have him or her baptized is incredibly painful. You know? Thanks again.
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I read a prayer somewhere after one of my miscarriage that said,
“Dear baby,
I wanted to hold you on my knee as I told you about Jesus. Now you will sit on Jesus’s knee as He tells you about me.”

I have seen this quote in several places as well,
“ St. Bernard of Clairvaux who wrote to a couple that had a miscarriage. In response to their question, “What is going to happen to my child? The child didn’t get baptized,” St. Bernard said,* “Your faith spoke for this child. Baptism for this child was only delayed by time. Your faith suffices. The waters of your womb — were they not the waters of life for this child? Look at your tears. Are they not like the waters of baptism? Do not fear this. God’s ability to love is greater than our fears. Surrender everything to God.”

There are several saints that have suffered miscarriages. St. Zelie Martin, St. Gianna Molla, and St. Catherine of Sweden are good ones to ask for comfort. St. Catherine of Siena is the patron saint of miscarriages. And of course Mary. She has known the suffering we endure.

This site has some good ideas as well

http://www.catholicmiscarriagesupport.com/emotional/ways-to-remember-your-child/
 
I experienced my first (hopefully only) miscarriage last November. Now, I’m no expert, but what I’ve done is:
  1. My husband and I named our baby. We lost at 5 weeks 5 days, so we didn’t know if we lost a son or daughter so at the suggestion of a priest we gave our child a unisex name: Misha Kai. Misha means Gift of God.
  2. We had a Memorial Mass for Misha Kai. I will have another on my Due Date Anniversaries 7/16th & Death Anniversaries 11/19th.
  3. I bought a Memorial music box to place the in it the pregnancy test, pregnancy verification, my hospital ban & a keepsake rosary I bought in honor of our baby. Unfortunately, I miscarried literally the wee morning hours the day my first Ultrasound was scheduled, so I didn’t get to have a photo of Misha.
  4. When I pray for my children, I always include Misha Kai. When I tuck in my older kids & we pray I always ask for Misha’s intercession especially to pray for his/her siblings.
  5. When I’m sad I don’t get to hold, cuddle & raise Misha Kai I mediate on the fact that I want the best for my kids, the best neighborhood, best schools, best friends and I really let myself realize that Misha Kai HAS the very best in all that - raised in Heaven where there’s no sin or death and everything is literally Perfect & I realize, we couldn’t have given Misha Kai anything any more Perfect way to grow up and live than what’s she or he is experiencing right now! Wow!!! & I ask Mary, his/her Guardian Angel, and various Saints to please snuggle and cuddle Misha Kai on my behalf.
I hope this might give you some ideas on what might work for your healing.
 
Wife.of.Gabriel said:
  1. When I pray for my children, I always include Misha Kai. When I tuck in my older kids & we pray I always ask for Misha’s intercession especially to pray for his/her siblings.
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My loss was 30 years ago but this ‘habit’ has kept him with us beyond every other ritual. We ask his intercession for everything regarding his siblings and thank him too when God has answered our prayers. Even now that all my children are independent adults, we are increasingly called on to help a young niece who needs our financial, physical and emotional support, I feel I have a purpose for my unused maternal gifts that would have gone into my son.

I absolutely agree with someone up the thread who said the experience made them more prayerful. That is so true.
 
I am absolutely committing this to memory. Thank you SO much for sharing!
 
Thank you everyone so much for the responses…this sounds really silly but I never came up with a name. It was too hard at the time, and maybe I will someday…but what’s brought me peace was a really silly name I came up with. “Snowmageddon”.

I know, it’s silly…but I keep it in my head for a reason. The pregnancy was unexpected. My husband and I struggles for YEARS to have our first child. We started trying again (trying, not avoiding, we’re strict NFPers) and got pregnant the first month. I discovered I was pregnant when we had a huge snowstorm. I have always LOVED snow more than anything. For me, even before I was a Christian as a kid, I saw the snow as making the whole world brand new. Everything was remade, new, and magical and I had to see EVERYTHING again! Now it’s reminder of God’s promise to make all things new, and how he changed my own life to something new. I still feel this way as a 30-something adult. And now…it also makes me think of my baby.

Snowmageddon was what everyone called the storm. I’m a teacher and it shut down work for 2 days. It was so great to stay home and celebrate the pregnancy with my family. It was like a special holiday. Now…I want every snowstorm that closes the schools to be like a memorial for him/her. A day we all get to stay home from work/school and be together as a family and remember this lost one, too. So although “snowmageddon” is not a name I’d choose for a living child (can you imagine that name on a job application?!) to me…that’s his/her identity. Is that too weird?
 
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Not weird at all. We named 2 of ours after saints we would never name a living child after. The other 2 we still call by the name that we used for the short time I was pregnant.

Oh I forgot one other thing. I bought a Christmas ornament for each of them. It’s made something I already love (decorating the tree) that much more special to me.
 
No it’s not weird. It is absolutely perfect. One of mine is Tigger. Another (a stillborn so she has a birth certificate even) is Ma Xicochi-Citlalmina which means “May you sleep well shooting star” in my husband’s first language. Not names for a living child here in the US but full of meaning to us.
 
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