I had been around the block as religion goes. Atheist, agnostic, Buddhist, Hindu, New Age syncretic, occultist, pagan, and at one point during my occult period even looked at the possibility of LaVeyan satanism. I was seeking great hidden secret knowledge, because I wanted to be wise. I wanted meaning in my life and truth, and some way of making things make sense. But all these belief systems dissolved in the morning rain. They were internally inconsistent or sheer fabrications. They just contradicted themselves or all evidence or both, and I needed the truth.
While in college (a later-life student) I learned of many reasons to believe that there is a lot of truth in the Bible. I started reading it. It radiated truth – I actually saw the words emitting a clear light at times. I felt clearer-minded and more hopeful when I read it. But I didn’t know what some parts meant. Like, who was the woman who hid in the desert after having a baby, and was taken into Heaven and crowned with stars? Not being from a religious home, how would I know anything?
I followed a Baptist’s advice to tell God I wanted him to run my life and then surrender my defenses. I did so, a totally silent internal action, and felt and thought more clearly than ever, immediately. I was suddenly better at dealing with people, turned off by cruelty and obscenity, more altrutistic and capable of examining claims to see where they contradicted themselves. I had no more mind-warping identity crises. I wasn’t focused on myself as much. I looked for ways to serve God and trusted Him to know who I am and guide my behavior. I had less dependency on what people thought of me. I reasoned things out and had a more objective view of all kinds of things. For example, I came home that very afternoon to what I had seen as a reasonably well-kept apartment that happened to be a slum where I was depressed and suffocating, and I saw how filthy and crammed with junk I was keeping it, and I knew how to get it organized and had the energy and attention span to do so. I began finding ways to help my friends and neighbors, and the strength to stick with a job and not get fired for strange mistakes. God healed my scattered and broken-down mind in many ways, and did much more for me. I knew right away I needed to be baptized and I needed to receive communion. How, though? From whom?
A couple of years later I went through the Yellow Pages for a church. I felt warmth comng from an ad. Disappointed by the lack of complete answers to my questions at the other numbers I’d tried, I called an Evangelical Quaker. The pastor agreed to meet me for coffee. He seemed to know a thing or two and was very kind and open. I visited the church. It was much warmer socially than others I’d visited. I decided it was the one, though half of me felt some reservation. For a few years I attended and participated there. They taught me a lot and helped me out a lot and I’m grateful to them. But there was a gap. Something was missing.
Several people noticed it. Some explanations of Scriptures seemed to be too complex, too uncertain or just not there. People acted tired. The outreach group was dwindling away. Scriptural knowledge was frustratingly thin. It was hard just to be sure what we believed on some issues. I got baptized in a church I didn’t know much about just to get it done. After that everything seemed even more pale in that place.
I checked out a charismatic nondenominational church. Outreach there was huge. It was energetic, heavy on recommended Scripture readings, journaling, twice-weekly services and missions. I felt I had finally found a place to serve God.
Soon the church changed. Outreach faded as the need for a building eclipsed everything (we were renting). But everyone I talked to hated the new building design, a church that would look like a mall and services that would look like a Broadway show. I was trying to reach people for Christ. The sayings that we believed in were, “God’s word will not return void”, which we took to mean anythign with Scriptures in it was good and would inevitably do good, regardless of what else it might contain, “Chew the meat, spit out the bones”, which meant people were capable of discerning the truth and forgeting the lies in any mixed bag they found, and “Outreach!”
The head pastor would say he never wanted to see anyone come in the door alone (witout an unsaved guest). But it was a big congregation. To bring in someone unsaved every week, a different one, would mean we had to consider nearly everyone unsaved. Since people routinely said they thought maybe ten percent of America is really Christian, and more than half just think they are, we had to try to evangelize other Christians and bring them in. Afer all, what if they really only think they are?
But how did we know we were real Christians then?
And then we were suddenly in a denomination: Foursquare.
A few of us talked about how it was changing, for the worse, after we joined the denomination. But the pastors explained that while praying hard for the church they heard God tell them they needed unity and any church needed authority. We discussed these ideas often. We also found we needed to confess our sins a lot. But we never felt done with it. Unity, authority, confession…what were we looking for? I didn’t like comedy act sermons. I found some hilarious but then I wanted to get up and go to church – it was Sunday. Some sermons were based on plays on words.
And Scriptures weren’t being adequately explained. The anti-intellectual bias drove me up the wall.
They were extremely kind and giving, and helped me in a lot of huge ways. I don’t know how I can ever repay them. but they didn’t establish to me that they had any basis for their theology. I was working so hard for the Lord, as many people were, it was hard to think with the exhaustion. Where was my original clear-headed serenity? My childlike faith? My drive? I felt depressed.
I surfed a lot, in search of answers to my confusion.
I was trying to share a huge testimony of my pre-Christian life and how awful it was, and wanted plenty of background on where my past fit into the non-Christian spectrum and where my present fit into the Christian spectrum. I was also passing time debunking Dan Brown et al, for a little fun.
I ended up on the CA home page and got out. Soon I was back, and thought, No, I don’t need anything here, I’m not going Catholic after all. I was headed for the back button when I felt drawn away from the button, toward some text. I kept reading. One of my questions was answered. I thought, well, so someone has an opinion. At church the sermons now are finally explaining “our” doctrine. But then, I disagreed with some of it. I was church-shopping again, in search of more reverence and older doctrines, and I thought, at least I’ll see what Catholics think so I know what to compare things to.
And several of my other questions were asnwered. I thought, cool – there’s someone who is coherent about these issues. At last. I wonder what would happent o my life if I jump.
The rest is history.
Their point about the nature of Vatican II and the immutability of Church teaching was pretty ironic.
through medical school (they put our lectures up as podcasts every day) and started subscribing to any that looked interesting. While I unsubscribed from most several weeks later, I kept “Catholic Answers.” I was intrigued. I decided that I wanted to at least understand why Catholics believe what they believed.