Catholic Father, Jewish Mother

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deluca1976

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Greetings,

I am a Catholic man who will raise his future children Catholic. I ended up meeting a Jewish woman, who is actually a self-described atheist.

At first, I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with her. However, as we talked to each other and hung out (strictly as friends), we realized that we had a lot more in common than we at first thought…and we eventually started dating. Yes, I know that it’s preferable to marry a fellow Catholic…but remember that St. Monica did marry an atheist Roman soldier.

Anyway…she, being an atheist, doesn’t really practice her Jewish faith, but she does go to temple with her parents on the ‘major’ holidays (they don’t go every Saturday either). I believe she is somewhat conservative-reform, but she isn’t really too observant.

However, she has said that she does want her children to know and appreciate their Jewish heritage, and does want them to have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

My question is: If my children are raised Catholic, what Jewish traditional feasts/events/customs could they participate in and learn about, which would also not go against or be in conflict with their Catholic Faith? I’ve scoured the net, trying to find resources, and can’t find anything. One source has suggested that it is possible, but I need specific traditions/customs that I can go to my girlfriend with and say “my children could do X, Y and Z, but they would not be able to participate in A, B, C because it is in conflict with their Faith”.

Anyone able to help? 🙂

Peter
 
First of all, realize that weekly attendance at synagogue is not required of Jews. Judaism is not a building-based religion. If your friend’s parents observe Shabbat at home and the High Holy Days at temple, that is pretty observant.

Realize that Judaism is a tribal religion and a family religion. What makes you a Jew is having a mother who is a Jew. That is all. In other words, you don’t become an “ex”-Jew. That is not an option. The Shoah (Hebrew: the catastrophe, because “Holocaust” is a word for a holy sacrifice, not an evil slaughter like what the Nazis did) made this all the more obvious to Jews. In other words, atheism is not seen as a barrier by as many Jews as you might think. I know of people who admitted freely to being atheist* in their bar mitzvah speech at synagogue.* Nobody batted an eye. It is not as if being an atheist would have impressed Hitler.

There are Jews who see conversion to Christianity as a threat to Judaism and who see Christians as bent on wiping out the Jews as a people. Even if they don’t see this as being out of malice, that doesn’t make the danger less real to them. They are concerned about the real possibility of there being a world without Jews. Talk to this woman and this woman’s family and find out how they would feel if their relative were to start practicing Christianity. That will give you a better idea.

I am married to a a very supportive non-Catholic who enjoys going to Mass with me and who wants our children raised Catholic. He is wonderful, but it is still hard for me. Consider very carefully what you are asking of yourself and what you are asking of her. There is a good reason that the Church discourages Catholics from marrying non-Catholics and that rabbis discourage Jews from marrying non-Jews, and it is not simple bigotry. It is hard on the couple and their families, including their children.

Keep in mind, too, that Catholism is incompatible with atheism. Teaching your children to believe that their lives should revolve around a God that their mother doesn’t think exists is a tough row to hoe, too.

If your heart is not already bent on marrying her, don’t. If it is, though, it can be done. Get yourself prepared for a difficult journey on behalf of that love, though. It won’t be easy.
 
This is a good question to raise on the “Ask an Apologist” forum for the best answer. On a forum like this, you may get a lot of misinformation and even answers contrary to the teachings of the Catholic Church.

I am not an expert and I am not an apologist, but I think you can not fulfill your obligation to raise your future children Catholic and also plan and allow them to have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. At the very least, you will need to raise these issues with the priest who will marry you but sooner is better.
 
BTW, I can think of five couples that I know who are Jewish-Catholic marriages with children.
  1. In one couple, she was Catholic and converted to Judaism when they married and the kids were brought up Jewish.
  2. In another couple, she was Jewish, he is now a non-practicing Catholic, and the kids are being brought up Jewish.
  3. In the third couple, neither the Jewish husband nor the Catholic wife practice their faith and the children are being brought up “exposed” to the traditions of both but the sacraments and education of neither–so they can choose what religion if any they want when the kids are adults.:rolleyes:
  4. And in the fourth couple, the wife is a non-practicing Catholic, the Jewish husband is nominally Jewish and the kids are being brought up Jewish but so far without a lot of education in their faith.
  5. Only in one couple, where the wife is a strong practicing Catholic are the children being brought up as Catholic and she takes them to Mass and religious education. I know her and the kids through the parish and religious education, and in five years have never even seen her husband, though I know he is Jewish and they are married.
 
I’ve met quite a few kids in college who were the products of a Catholic-Jewish marriage. None of them were strong or even interested in either faith. Now…I have no idea how involved their parents were in their own particular faith…whether a parent tried to raise them one way or another or if they did the general “exposing the kids to the different traditions” thing.

I guess what I am wondering is how important is it to you that your kids are raised Catholic?? Do you desire it because you know it is your obligation, for a more cultural reason(as it sounds the Jewish faith is with your girlfriend), etc? I’m not trying to judge your motivations and intentions…I just think that’s a crucial question to ask yourself. ALSO to think about: Your girlfriend may be laid back now about her faith, but when the kids come, will she still feel that way? I’m not saying that she would lie to you about how she feels now…but that people change…especially when they have kids.

My husband is a convert from Judaism. His family sounds very similar to your girlfriend’s (although, his mom is Catholic now as well, and his dad returned to the Church…but his aunts and uncles are still atheist/Jews…celebrate holidays etc). We dated all through college, and always knew we’d get married, but when I got more and more serious about my faith, I realised that, FOR ME, raising my kids Catholic and the knowledge that I would be responsible for their spiritual formation and their eternal souls…I knew I wanted and needed active participation from my spouse. Thankfully…and most amazingly…DH decided to become Catholic. He was baptised this past Easter, about a month and a half before our wedding. 🙂 Truly a great blessing from God.

As Janet Smith says, if you get God, sex (kids), and money, agreed upon and in the right place…you’ll be good to go. As for allowing Catholic kids to celebrate a Bah mitzvah…I have NO idea if that is something that would be ok or not…I would suggest asking a trained apologist, a priest you can trust who is faithful to the Church, or someone who knows canon law, to be sure that the answer you get is the truth.
 
PS…sorry I know my previous post was real long but I wanted to add…

Attending holiday feasts would be something that I would think would be totally fine, and even learning about what they are, etc. DH and I always go to his uncle’s house whenever they are having Rosh Hoshanah (sp?) or Yom Kippur…I think that it’s quite fascinating actually, and for children it could be a great basis for conversation on the Jewish foundations of the Catholic faith, especially all the parallels within the Old Testament, to the New. So in that respect, I think you’d be good to go. 👍
 
deluca1976 said:
Greetings,

I am a Catholic man who will raise his future children Catholic. I ended up meeting a Jewish woman, who is actually a self-described atheist.

At first, I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with her. However, as we talked to each other and hung out (strictly as friends), we realized that we had a lot more in common than we at first thought…and we eventually started dating. Yes, I know that it’s preferable to marry a fellow Catholic…but remember that St. Monica did marry an atheist Roman soldier.

I think that you have some serious discernment to perform regarding your relationship before you move forward. I hope that you will take all of the time that this issue deserves. There is a good book that talks about discerning God’s will in choosing a spouse (and in general for your life) that I would like you to read. The Exclamation: the wise choice of a spouse for Catholic marriage by Patricia Wrona. It gives you guidance on doing individual discernment when you think you have found the right person and then mutual discernment with that person if the relationship continues to that level.amazon.com/Exclamation-Choice-Spouse-Catholic-Marriage/dp/1413469353/sr=1-1/qid=1161876417/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-8888043-1977752?ie=UTF8&s=books
Click to expand...
 
I would also take this into consideration,
(don’t have a quote from the CCC, but I"ve heard it on EWTN)
when a Catholic is wed to a non-baptized persaon, the marrage can be valad, but it is NOT a sacrament. I don’t know how important that kind of thing is to you, but you should consider the spiritual ramifications of marrying a non-Christian.

as far as Jewish rituals go, be careful. once again, no quotes from the CCC, but I’m pretty sure that at least circomsision (SP?) for the ritualistic reasons is forbidden.

a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is supposed to be the comming of age celebration. it’s when the young man or women excepts full responsability of the Jewish law. Do you want your child to participate in such an activity? that’s what we have conformation for. it’s the taking on the full responsability of the Law of Christ and making a decision as an adult to fallow Him. The way I see it, a child cannot have both.

as a matter of fact (not sure, someone can correct me on this) I think you have to make some kind of proclimation at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah that Jesus is NOT the massiah. not sure about that, though.
 
Confirmation is not a “Catholic Bar Mitvah”. It’s having one’s baptism completed and being strengthened by the Holy Spirit.
 
Confirmation:
"for all those who are able to understand and fulfill the Commandments of God and of the Church.
newadvent.org/cathen/04215b.htm

Bar Mitzvah:
“The bar mitzvah ceremony formally marks the assumption of that obligation, along with the corresponding right to take part in leading religious services, to count in a minyan (the minimum number of people needed to perform certain parts of religious services), to form binding contracts, to testify before religious courts and to marry.”
jewfaq.org/barmitz.htm
 
Generally what happens is your kids will be observers of their grandparents’ faith and won’t have one of their own. If they embrace Catholism they will wonder why their Mom is an atheist. If they embrace Judasim they will wonder why their Dad thinks a man can be God.
I am Jewish and met the Lord 20 plus years ago. Most of my family still doesn’t know I am Catholic.
The most important thing is that you and your wife have a common faith. I’m not saying she has to be Catholic but a sacramental marriage is about doing what we can to get our spouses to heaven. How can she work for this if she doesn’t believe in God?
I as a Catholic have more incommon with my Orthodox Jewish sibling then my atheist sibling. My Orthodox Sibling doesn’t know I am Catholic but both of us care what God has to say and attempt to do what we have come to understand He wants of us. My other sibling has no interest in God but is culturally very Jewish. There is less connection because of this. I caution you about getting married, unless your faith isn’t that important to you.
 
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