Catholic Marriage and Sexuality

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StephenMc

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My apologies if this is not allowed to be discussed.
I just discovered this site today and am not sure what can be discussed and what can’t. I’m sure my problem plagues many here and if I’m in the wrong place, forum wise, please redirect me.
I have been married for 10+ years. I have been blessed with 2 children whom I absolutely adore.
My marriage however, is quite distressing. Having been brought up ‘Super-Catholic’ schools, church never missed etc, I am committed to my marriage until death.
However, as a man in my late 30’s, and with unfulfilled ‘needs’ so to speak, I don’t know what to do. Relations between my wife and I occur once every 3 months at best. She has repeatedly assured me that she also has been 100% faithful to me, but does not have the drive that I do.
What can you do? I feel that if I were to go outside the marriage, I would go straight to hell. Yet, within the marriage I feel like I am in my own personal hell.
Do I suffer as a 'Good Catholic for the next 35-40 Years? My wife is Protestant, we were married with the church’s blessing, etc and in front of a priest and minister.
I could never think annulment because I could not bare to be away from my children. At this point I am resigned to suffer for the sake of staying with my children. My wife refuses to even communicate with me about this, or seek consuling.
I do not know what to do.
 
You need to go for counseling, even if your wife chooses not to. I would be SURE, however, to obtain the services of a CATHOLIC therapist, priest or psychologist. Otherwise you will run into the issue of secular counselors trying to suggest immoral solutions.

I would begin going to counseling and discussing the situation, as well as your frustration with unmet needs. Your wife is your wife is your wife. For better or for worse. Through your own obedience to God and fidelity to your marriage, you will sanctify your wife and build up treasure in heaven for both of you. Offer up sacrifices for her on a daily basis and pray fervently that she begins to thaw about this issue and begin to discuss what it is that prevents her from wanting to make love with her husband (and/or even TALK about it).

This issue is more common than you might think, and it happens on both sides of the fence. However, remember that God makes all things new and that every situation has a possibility for change, with prayer and perseverance. Offer up your suffering for your wife. Receive the sacraments frequently.

Please check out the site catholictherapists.com and try to find a counselor in your area.

Also, what would happen if you suddenly stopped mentioning this to your wife? If you only gave her affection and not once mentioned anything about unmet sexual needs? Hold her, kiss her, give her back rubs, never ask for anything in return. Make affection something very safe for her. Start small at first and let this go on for as long as possible. A wife is a receptacle of her husband’s love, so give to her and let her receive and wait until she is moved enough to give back. Encourage and praise the small things she does, whether it be your laundry or a good dinner or the touch of her hand on your back. Tell her how good it feels and how loved you feel when she touches you. Offer her your affection as often as possible, but do not overwhelm her with it. You may be rejected time and again, but simply accept this and try again in a non-threatening way the next time. Be gentle, smile often, praise daily.

Buy the book by Gary Chapman called The Five Languages of Love. Your love language may or may not be physical touch, and her love language is probably something else entirely. But if you take the quiz at the end of the book, it will give you a good idea how she feels best-loved and will give you a starting place as to where you should begin to make her feel safe and secure in your care for her.

I’ll pray for you!
 
christianitytoday.com/marriage/
We do marriage prep in our parish, and strongly encourage several magazines, of which Marriage Partnership is one of them. click on the link and you can get a free email newsletter. It offers many tips on this very subject.
Consider taking your wife on a Marriage Encounter retreat.
There website is wwme.org/ This has worked to strengthen marriages very well. Pray for your wife and let her know that you are praying. Consider getting a sitter for the kids and plan a short overnighter for just the two of you. No spouse can resist the attention that is made special. Make sure you date her every week. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive like dinner, a movie etc. It could just mean a walk around the block. A picnic in the backyard without children.Whatever it is, do it regularly. Schedule it into your activities, not your activities first and then try to fit it in. That won’t work. Keep trying! There is a great book we recommend, it is titled. SEX BEGINS in the Kitchen because Love is an All Day Affair by Kevin Leman. You can even order it online.
Love is precious, don’t ever take it for granted!
 
What is your relationship with your wife like otherwise? Are you emotionally close? Are there disagreements between you? Arguments?

Does your wife have a history of sexual abuse?

Do you pressure her to have physical relations?

I’m engaged, not married, so I’m not sexually active. However, I can’t see ever wanting to be physically intimate in marriage if there was some unresolved emotional issue (which could be that there’s not enough affection, conversation, quality time together etc.), or if my husband was pressuring me, or if it seemed like he just wanted to get off, or if he was impure in his behaviors etc.

I’m not implying that you are doing something wrong, but maybe you should try to heal the sexual part of your marriage by working on the others?
 
If a birthday or anniversary is coming up, one suggestion would be…let’s give each other a gift…complete physical exams. Perhaps your wife has a health issue going on that you are not aware of. And by making this suggestion in a non-judgmental way, she might go and take up your suggestion.
 
I would recommend listening to the “Crash Coarse in the Thology of the Body” it is presented by Christopher West. He gives an awesome view on Pope John Paul’s teaching on The Theology of the Body. You will learn a lot about the meaning of life and how that relates to spousal love. This can be obtained at www.nakedwithoutshame.com

Also by fasting for your wife you can bring your bride to holiness while also weakening your own selfish desires. I would recomend joining the e5 club. At e5men.org/pages/
 
Goodness guys! Priests go without it for their entire lives…Jesus did without it for his entire life…you can survive! It’s not the best way, but it works…I’m on a 6mth drought myself, but I do other things like run, work in the yard, etc…it really does take your mind off of it.

My wife just has 0 desire. That’s it. None. It’s like a chore to her. I just grin and bear it. Offer it up. It’s probably punishment for the way I acted in the past before I was married…I look at it as atonement!
 
Ok, I’m a single guy so I have zero experience. It just seems strange to me that one spouse would not have sex with the other spouse simply because they are not in the mood. Maybe I’m a guy so it’s different, but I think if my wife wanted to have relations more often, I would definitely do it even if I wasn’t necessarily looking for more. I would think in a loving relationship one would want to give themselves to their spouse regardless of their “mood.” That being said, I would never pressure my wife to do anything she didn’t want to. It would seem to me that plenty of open and honest communication would be what’s needed in a situation like this. Anyway, just my thoughts.
 
My wife response would be ‘you want me to just go in the bedroom and lay there? I’ll do that, if that’s what you want’. Makes me seem like the bad guy.

I have to just wait and wait and wait until she is ready. Like I said, exersice really helps!

It’s just how she is. I do things for her that I’m not in the mood for, like rubbing her back, or feet, or cooking dinner, etc…
 
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