Catholic/Non-Catholic Couple - questions

[ralu]

Hello everyone. I attend a non-denominational Christian church and I have been dating a Catholic for over 6 months. Our relationship is going very well and we have talked about getting engaged. One of the main things we have to figure out before we make that decision is how to find a way to share into our relationship with God. We have been going to the Catholic Church together and sometimes to the church I attend. We still both feel more comfortable in our own churches, but we are trying to find a way to get closer to God together. The church I attend has beliefs very similar to the Catholic Church, therefore it is not a matter of difference in belief. I have two questions for those who are/have been in similar situations:

1. How ca we find a way to connect and share in our faith in God without either of us giving up our church?
2. How can we raise children together, without confusing them? We decided to baptize our children Catholic and raise them in the Catholic Church. However, we are having a hard time deciding to expose them to the non-denominational church as well. I also wouldn’t want them to wander why is mom going to a separate church sometimes, and why does she never take us?
   I feel that the church should not be something that is a constant fight or struggle between my partner and me or between my children and me. If you are or have been in a similar relationship, please advise.

 

[Della]

You are wise to be considering these things now–before getting married. Trying to bring up children in a divided household isn’t such a good idea. There are enough pressures on families these days without adding yet another element to that stress. Inevitably one or the other spouse is going to feel that his or her church is the one everyone ought to be attending. And for a Catholic not attending Sunday Mass and Holy Days of Obligation is not an option. Since you are still in the very early stages of your relationship (you haven’t’ committed to marriage yet nor set a date), I would advise that both of you attend RCIA classes at your bf’s parish or at least do a study of Catholic teaching together. It sounds to me like you would be happy in the Catholic Church if you understood Catholic teaching and practice better. And, your bf could do with a refresher course so he understands the importance of the Mass and why it ought to be central to his (and perhaps to your future family’s) life.

 

[genealogist]

Attending RCIA is a good idea even if you don’t join the Church. I have been married 12 years to a Presbyterian and it has been a pain quite often. Hypothetically it is possible to stay in your own churches, raise the children Catholic and have them attend occasionally with you at yours. If they go to Catholic school that will open up Wednesday nights for activities at your church but that’s where it gets to be a killer time wise and would your children be overwhelmed with Cathechism 5 days a week, weekly Mass and then activities at Mommy’s church?

In twelve years I have not met another couple that tries to be active in both. Eventually it seems one or the other converts and they go from there. If you convert please do so only if you believe the claims the Catholic Church makes are true. We have enough people who don’t want to be Catholic already and we don’t need more.

What we are doing this year is Sunday Mass every week, CCD every Wednesday and then immediately following we go to the Prebyterian church for dinner and kids choir practice. We go to the Prebyterian church the last two Sundays of the month so my son and daughter can sing in their respective choirs. They sit with us and do not attend Sunday School there. We go to Mass on Saturday night those last two weeks of the month. We are trying this for the first semester and evaluating over Christmas break.

I don’t know if we will keep doing it because my wife is not involved and I am bringing them Wednesdays to dinner myself in an effort to forge ahead and be ecumenical and show it could be done but the other adults at my table are not aware of why we can’t make the Bible study part because of CCD. I don’t think they would be angry but it would be a lot easier.

You sound like a good person and if you should stay in separate churches and marry remember that your devotional life at home is the best place to share your faith and customs with each other and the kids. Make sure the kids know that even if you don’t worship with them at Mass every week that you do worship and love Jesus. Make sure they see the glass as 3/4 full and not 1/4 empty. Kids have a right to be proud of their faith and church and nasty comments from my wife about superstition last halloween in 2004 about holy water and cures really made me angry. I did not go to her church for a year because of that exchange.

There are resources such as Sandra Stanko’s United in Heart Divided by Faith and Interchurch Families by the Bush/Cooney of the Catholic-Reformed dialgue in the US.

 

[Lone_Catholic]

I am a convert to the Catholic church. My husband and I had attended non-denominational churches together before my conversion, and now that I am Catholic, we attend a non-denom together with our children. With my experience with different non-denominational churches, I can’t imagine one with beliefs similar to the Catholic church. I would suggest that you study the doctrinal teachings in your church and those of the Catholic church.

My opinion is that what you are proposing (doing both) will not work, or at least will not work well. Your children will be confused and there will be struggles between you and your spouse.

Wait until you and your bf are on the same page spiritually before you make a decision about marriage. In the meantime, RCIA is a splendid idea.

 

[amcalabrese]

My wife is a Lutheran. She is not very church going (in the 3 1/2 years we have been married, she has gone to a Lutheran Church maybe 4 times – she has probably gone to a Catholic Mass more). It is difficult, but not impossible.

Interestingly, what may be harder is in your case, where you both are active in your churches. I agree that RICA might be a good idea, just to learn more. Catholics do things that sometimes seem strange to other Christians, and we may not be able to explain it well, as we were raised in it and we just always did it. Even my wife, whose father was Catholic, sometimes needs to ask me about things I do in connection with the Faith.

No matter your decision, good luck, and God be with you.

 

[ralu]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I will look into taking an RCIA class together with my bf - it looks like that was the unanimous advice. Also, we do plan to figure out our own beliefs and if we have a common ground before we decide to marry. Thanks again!