Catholic parents and 'dating' their daughters

[DanielSisk]

Hey there. I am a “new” convert and for that I could say I am somewhat learned in Catholic theology. But, even as I have become learned in that vast field that relates to Catholicism, what I can not learn from books and study is Catholic culture.

There is a girl I know that it is a part of a HUGE catholic family; her mother home-schools all seven (I think) of them and her father works constantly. They attend Mass weekly (the Saturday one, because all of the teenage boys go to the Sunday one) and all of the kids are very learned in their faith. They wear their catholic identity on their sleeve, and thus the parents are very protective…

Perhaps to an extreme that is unhealthy. That debate aside, she oft laments to me of how she fears that because she is sheltered people will take advantage of her and that she will have no clue how to live her life. She has no car, no license, no public school background, is not allowed to participate in the youth, and has lived the same week of Mass, homeschool, Mass, homeschool for thirteen years of her life. She is now eighteen and has two subjects to study before she goes off to community college, where she wants to receive certification to become a radiographer. She never complains about her parents or her raising, simply that she is worried that her sheltered conditions are going to effect her adult life in a way that is going to get her used.

Now, don’t think I have the spirit of going in and liberating her from what I perceive to be psycho-Catholic parents. I actually ENVY her up-bringing and often day-dream of raising a family in a similar fashion. But what I do want to do (as a licensed, car-owning 18 year old boy) is get her out of her weekly grind and into (something like) the soup kitchen or a Church History class, or perhaps even a nice dinner at my favorite local gourmet restaurant.

The problem is, her parents. While my intentions are about as wholesome as they get (and not even really inherently romantic…?), Catholic parents seem to be a very special breed, and these are no exception. Just because my intentions are pure does not mean they will perceive them to be so.

In short, how is one to deal with this breed of Catholic parents and taking out their beloved jewels on friendly outings, none of which they plan to deflower them on? Should I honestly just steer as far away from this powder keg as I can? Are my good intentions going to get me burnt at the stake?

Blessings, from a convert

 

[DJK100]

Hey there. I am a “new” convert and for that I could say I am somewhat learned in Catholic theology. But, even as I have become learned in that vast field that relates to Catholicism, what I can not learn from books and study is Catholic culture.

There is a girl I know that it is a part of a HUGE catholic family; her mother home-schools all seven (I think) of them and her father works constantly. They attend Mass weekly (the Saturday one, because all of the teenage boys go to the Sunday one) and all of the kids are very learned in their faith. They wear their catholic identity on their sleeve, and thus the parents are very protective…

Perhaps to an extreme that is unhealthy. That debate aside, she oft laments to me of how she fears that because she is sheltered people will take advantage of her and that she will have no clue how to live her life. She has no car, no license, no public school background, is not allowed to participate in the youth, and has lived the same week of Mass, homeschool, Mass, homeschool for thirteen years of her life. She is now eighteen and has two subjects to study before she goes off to community college, where she wants to receive certification to become a radiographer. She never complains about her parents or her raising, simply that she is worried that her sheltered conditions are going to effect her adult life in a way that is going to get her used.

Now, don’t think I have the spirit of going in and liberating her from what I perceive to be psycho-Catholic parents. I actually ENVY her up-bringing and often day-dream of raising a family in a similar fashion. But what I do want to do (as a licensed, car-owning 18 year old boy) is get her out of her weekly grind and into (something like) the soup kitchen or a Church History class, or perhaps even a nice dinner at my favorite local gourmet restaurant.

The problem is, her parents. While my intentions are about as wholesome as they get (and not even really inherently romantic…?), Catholic parents seem to be a very special breed, and these are no exception. Just because my intentions are pure does not mean they will perceive them to be so.

In short, how is one to deal with this breed of Catholic parents and taking out their beloved jewels on friendly outings, none of which they plan to deflower them on? Should I honestly just steer as far away from this powder keg as I can? Are my good intentions going to get me burnt at the stake?

Blessings, from a convert

If she is as sheltered as you say she is then she might be a bit naive when it comes to “worldly” things. However, it sounds like her family will be very supportive and a help to her if she so needs it. Besides she will be able to figure it out like us all eventually.

As to your perdicament it might be best to treat this situation very slowly. You will need to gain the parents trust. To do this you must be very respectful of them and what they want to have happen. When inviting her to do something initially start of with inviting the rest of her siblings as well. This will make her parents more confortable that nothing fishy is happening. Be consistent, honest and respectful and over time when they know they can trust you and what your intentions are. From there they will likely become more lax in what you and her do together.

 

[Lady_Modesty]

I’d probably start by approaching the father about your intentions and go from there. That will give you an idea about whether there is any chance at this point to be allowed to take her out. My guess would be no, unless they know you well, but perhaps they would allow you to be a guest in their home to get to know you better.

I’m curious though If she is so sheltered, when are you being allowed to have these conversations with her that she is telling your her inner fears etc.?

I’m a little surprised that her mother wouldn’t have her involved with some of the other traditional catholic homeschoolers.

How is she going to get to college without a license?

 

[Usige]

Well as the father of a home schooled 17 year old daughter I can tell you’d need to prove to me that your intentions are pure. Things I’d expect if you were dating my daughter:

• That you and she would talk to me (and my wife) about your plans first and get our buy in. This isn’t about control, but about respecting us as her parents. If you don’t respect us how do I know you’ll respect our daughter?
• I might foist her 14 year old brother on you. No better chaperon than a pesky brother.
• Let us know roughly when you would be at different venues. Don’t need a military timetable but I’d like to know where my kid is. If you change your plans? Call or text me.

Now you could do all this and still be a scum bag (knew a couple of them in high school - says all the right things, but then were wolfs on the hunt), but that’s why my daughter would have her taser with her.

One thing to remember for many traditionalist, dating is not about hanging out with your boy/girlfriend de juer. Instead dating is about discerning a vocation to marriage. Now if you’re talking about a platonic relationship that’s fine as long as we are all on the same page. I don’t expect her to not interact with males, but as my dad used to tell boys that dated my older sister; “you break her heart, I break your head.”

For all those about to flame me as a control freak it’s nothing of the sort. Yes a 17 or 18 year old should have freedom, but it is common courtesy to let people know where you will be. I’ve been married 18 years and I still let my wife know if I’m going to be late or change my plans. I expect the same courtesy of my wife, sons and daughters. If you regularly let your teenager disappear with out knowing where they are I question your sanity.

 

[Armyvet007]

Well as the father of a home schooled 17 year old daughter I can tell you’d need to prove to me that your intentions are pure. Things I’d expect if you were dating my daughter:

• That you and she would talk to me (and my wife) about your plans first and get our buy in. This isn’t about control, but about respecting us as her parents. If you don’t respect us how do I know you’ll respect our daughter?
• I might foist her 14 year old brother on you. No better chaperon than a pesky brother.
• Let us know roughly when you would be at different venues. Don’t need a military timetable but I’d like to know where my kid is. If you change your plans? Call or text me.

Now you could do all this and still be a scum bag (knew a couple of them in high school - says all the right things, but then were wolfs on the hunt), but that’s why my daughter would have her taser with her.

One thing to remember for many traditionalist, dating is not about hanging out with your boy/girlfriend de juer. Instead dating is about discerning a vocation to marriage. Now if you’re talking about a platonic relationship that’s fine as long as we are all on the same page. I don’t expect her to not interact with males, but as my dad used to tell boys that dated my older sister; “you break her heart, I break your head.”

For all those about to flame me as a control freak it’s nothing of the sort. Yes a 17 or 18 year old should have freedom, but it is common courtesy to let people know where you will be. I’ve been married 18 years and I still let my wife know if I’m going to be late or change my plans. I expect the same courtesy of my wife, sons and daughters. If you regularly let your teenager disappear with out knowing where they are I question your sanity.

Flame you? You forgot the part about cleaning the family shotgun while talking with the young man. I bought one just for that.

OP- Usige’s post is full of good advice. If she’s got a younger/older brother, I highly suggest you suggest to the parents that he tags along with ya’ll.

 

[DanielSisk]

If she is as sheltered as you say she is then she might be a bit naive when it comes to “worldly” things. However, it sounds like her family will be very supportive and a help to her if she so needs it. Besides she will be able to figure it out like us all eventually.

As to your perdicament it might be best to treat this situation very slowly. You will need to gain the parents trust. To do this you must be very respectful of them and what they want to have happen. When inviting her to do something initially start of with inviting the rest of her siblings as well. This will make her parents more confortable that nothing fishy is happening. Be consistent, honest and respectful and over time when they know they can trust you and what your intentions are. From there they will likely become more lax in what you and her do together.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. I may indeed invite some of her younger siblings; that makes a lot of sense. I can’t guarantee that the wallet of a to-be student can pay for eight meals or that my car can even hold that many munchkins, but it is a nice thought. (I am kidding)

I’d probably start by approaching the father about your intentions and go from there. That will give you an idea about whether there is any chance at this point to be allowed to take her out. My guess would be no, unless they know you well, but perhaps they would allow you to be a guest in their home to get to know you better.

I’m curious though If she is so sheltered, when are you being allowed to have these conversations with her that she is telling your her inner fears etc.?

I’m a little surprised that her mother wouldn’t have her involved with some of the other traditional catholic homeschoolers.

How is she going to get to college without a license?

Thank you for the reply. Her mother seems to be “the bossy one” (her words, not mine) but I am sure a talk with one of them is in order.

As for your other curiosities, her parents do not disallow Facebook. Notice I have said “new”; I have actually attended the Catholic Church for about three years after and was only recently confirmed. I met her a while back when her sister was making first communion. She also teaches the 3rd grade faith formation at our parish, where as I have been involved (teaching and otherwise) with the mission parish’s faith formation, which is sort of intimately connected. I recently figured out that her mother frequents her Facebook inbox, for what I am unsure, haha. I admit that her lamentations may be a little exaggerated, but they couldn’t be by very much.

As for her education situation, I am quite unaware of it other than what she has told me; that is, that her mother has home-schooled her and her siblings the entire time all of them have went to school. I never asked her about licensure.

Well as the father of a home schooled 17 year old daughter I can tell you’d need to prove to me that your intentions are pure. Things I’d expect if you were dating my daughter:
That you and she would talk to me (and my wife) about your plans first and get our buy in. This isn’t about control, but about respecting us as her parents. If you don’t respect us how do I know you’ll respect our daughter?
I might foist her 14 year old brother on you. No better chaperon than a pesky brother.
Let us know roughly when you would be at different venues. Don’t need a military timetable but I’d like to know where my kid is. If you change your plans? Call or text me.
Now you could do all this and still be a scum bag (knew a couple of them in high school - says all the right things, but then were wolfs on the hunt), but that’s why my daughter would have her taser with her.

One thing to remember for many traditionalist, dating is not about hanging out with your boy/girlfriend de juer. Instead dating is about discerning a vocation to marriage. Now if you’re talking about a platonic relationship that’s fine as long as we are all on the same page. I don’t expect her to not interact with males, but as my dad used to tell boys that dated my older sister; “you break her heart, I break your head.”

For all those about to flame me as a control freak it’s nothing of the sort. Yes a 17 or 18 year old should have freedom, but it is common courtesy to let people know where you will be. I’ve been married 18 years and I still let my wife know if I’m going to be late or change my plans. I expect the same courtesy of my wife, sons and daughters. If you regularly let your teenager disappear with out knowing where they are I question your sanity.

Thank you so much for your thought out reply. I am glad to hear from a traditional catholic parent that it isn’t a hopeless endeavor. While I find each of your prerequisites (if you will) to be fair and just, I must assert that while she is a beautiful girl, the outings are platonic as has been our friendship for as long as we’ve been in it and I am not sure if we are on any level of any marriage-related discernment. As long as you mean discernment as a broad term and not some immediate and open discussion, then I can understand. Even then, I am not sure if it applies to something quite so platonic. Either way, your advice is very helpful to understand the parents’ perspectives.

 

[Usige]

Flame you? You forgot the part about cleaning the family shotgun while talking with the young man. I bought one just for that.
.

Shotgun??? Naw… we don’t have guns in the house, but the first time I caught a punk ogling my daughter I considered asking a friend for his Barret .50 cal. Luckily my daughter inherited her mother’s ability to freeze your blood with a stare

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

This sounds like a frightening amount of control to hold over an eighteen year old’s head. She doesn’t get out for “outside” recreational activities? Yikes. Be careful bro, all I’m saying, you sound like a great guy but this is a tough family you would be dealing with here.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

Before I started dating my husband, I complained to him about my parents. Instead of calling them “psycho”, calling the situation a “powder keg”, or implying that he’d face being “burnt at the stake” if he attempted taking me out, he said “I’m sure they are overprotective because they care about you and love you.” The fact that he respected my parents and family even when I didn’t drew me to him.

Be that guy. So what if she has no car? No “public school experience”? Why is that essential? Maybe she is overprotected. Maybe she’s going to need to leave home in order to learn how to take care of herself. Maybe it will be a struggle. But your sarcasm and rude comments about her family will get you nowhere with her. If she is your friend, and you care about her, then respect her family too and be a gentleman. Do not undermine her family’s culture or values, just because you think they are wrong.

If I had a daughter, I would not want her spending her time with someone who was berating her family on an online forum, even if he was sweet to us in person. And I would hope that she would eventually see that the kind of person who would do that is not the kind of person you want to be dating.

 

[PaulinVA]

• Let us know roughly when you would be at different venues. Don’t need a military timetable but I’d like to know where my kid is. If you change your plans? Call or text me.

You should just invest in the service that your cell phone provider has that you can see where your family members are at all times. I think AT&T call it Family Map. (I’m just joking)

As a formerly rebellious teenager I am appalled by your controlling nature. As a middle-aged father of teen girls, I’m right there with you!

My kids don’t date - no restrictions, they just don’t want to. But, having been a teen guy on the prowl in the seventies, I am, uhm, vigilant. Very vigilant.

We also talk about (since I have a son and daughters) about how men and women react to stimulus differently and how innocent things can be misinterpreted. I teach my kids to respect the opposite sex and not put them or themselves in bad situations.

 

[DanielSisk]

This sounds like a frightening amount of control to hold over an eighteen year old’s head. She doesn’t get out for “outside” recreational activities? Yikes. Be careful bro, all I’m saying, you sound like a great guy but this is a tough family you would be dealing with here.

Haha, thanks for the reply. It does seem peculiar but really I am just wanting to get her out of the house. She did say something about her parents not wanting her to really do much until she was graduated from high school.

Before I started dating my husband, I complained to him about my parents. Instead of calling them “psycho”, calling the situation a “powder keg”, or implying that he’d face being “burnt at the stake” if he attempted taking me out, he said “I’m sure they are overprotective because they care about you and love you.” The fact that he respected my parents and family even when I didn’t drew me to him.

Be that guy. So what if she has no car? No “public school experience”? Why is that essential? Maybe she is overprotected. Maybe she’s going to need to leave home in order to learn how to take care of herself. Maybe it will be a struggle. But your sarcasm and rude comments about her family will get you nowhere with her. If she is your friend, and you care about her, then respect her family too and be a gentleman. Do not undermine her family’s culture or values, just because you think they are wrong.

If I had a daughter, I would not want her spending her time with someone who was berating her family on an online forum, even if he was sweet to us in person. And I would hope that she would eventually see that the kind of person who would do that is not the kind of person you want to be dating.

Oh, come on, friend. My notes about what I will not do was clearly a hyperbole to express just that… what I will not do, and what I do not perceive. I don’t know how much more clear I can make it that I actually admire her family’s culture or values, therefore I can’t be berating it. I don’t “think it is wrong”, I envy it and wish I was brought up in a similar environment. The notes of auto-de-fe was in the same way expressing my options and inciting reply, and I was simply again using her own words to give background to the situation. Just because I think it in light spirits does not mean I disrespect her family.

 

[DanielSisk]

You should just invest in the service that your cell phone provider has that you can see where your family members are at all times. I think AT&T call it Family Map. (I’m just joking)

As a formerly rebellious teenager I am appalled by your controlling nature. As a middle-aged father of teen girls, I’m right there with you!

My kids don’t date - no restrictions, they just don’t want to. But, having been a teen guy on the prowl in the seventies, I am, uhm, vigilant. Very vigilant.

We also talk about (since I have a son and daughters) about how men and women react to stimulus differently and how innocent things can be misinterpreted. I teach my kids to respect the opposite sex and not put them or themselves in bad situations.

I just signed a contract with Verizon… Looks like I am doomed. Thanks for the reply.

 

[Pat_the_elder]

Son, keep your foot out of that bear-trap. Mind you, I’ve only been married 26yrs so know hee-haw about what makes women tick.
Pat

 

[chevalier]

Well, nothing really looks world-ending there, you know.

Being sheltered can result in difficulties in life, but then abundant experience can actually come with burdens and skew your perspectives to a point where it’s really hard. I’ve actually done the mix, as in I’ve seen sheltering and I’ve seen some bad things, so I can compare.

In fact, I just suspect a good, love-filled, productive childhood (the sheltered, homeschooled, just-sufficiently disciplined (so you don’t waste whole days on the PC) Catholic kind) could actually provide an invaluable foundation for somebody’s adult life. We don’t know. Unless things get really out of hand, I’d let the parents worry about that and trust they know what they’re doing and God’s helping them. I can tell you from experience that as you gain age and gain perspective, parents, teachers, governments and others start to seem more right to you than they did when you were younger. It’s perhaps somewhat in the nature of younger age to be rather revolutionary. This is the kind of energy that e.g. the military puts to use.

On the other hand, if things get really “psyched”, which, unfortunately, can sometimes be the case with religious people who can’t deal with all the emotions or give in to OCD regarding religious practice or morals (scrupulosity) or discipline in the house, or start believing some strange theories (conspiracy theories like sedevacantism or some other sectarian thinking), then I’d evacuate.

On a personal level, I have some issues with the idea of parents planning the whole time for their children, even when those children are technically adult or somewhere close. As long as they take into account the child’s age and psychic, moral etc. development, then that’s not yet so bad (provided they make reasonable decisions and don’t use tyrannical methods), but in some cases people forget you can’t manage an 18 year old like she or he is 6. And that’s hurtful. I’m not alluding anything with regard to the OP’s situation here, just sharing insights.

 

[chevalier]

As for the shotgun replies, while I appreciate the humour, I don’t do so entirely, and the tendency looks kinda scary. In fact, it does look a bit psychotic, guys, you know. I’m no military, in fact I either am or should be debarred for medical reasons. But I have the blood of warriors in me down to before writing was invented in my respective part of Europe. If someone (a woman’s father, obviously, though in my case she would not an 18 year old) actually waved, let alone pointed a shotgun at me, I just might fold my arms on my back and say, “fire it now or put it down and never mention it again.” (Without a “sir”.) I’m fairly convinced that’s not what you guys would like to hear because you actually would need to put it down, which would put you in an uncomfortable situation.

Truth be told, a shotgun joke could complicate your daughters’ lives and scare potentially acceptable guys who just take life a little bit too seriously. They could start wondering how much of a joke it really was. Somebody could cut the risks.

 

[anp1215]

The don’t go to Sunday Mass because that’s the one “all the teenage boys” go to?

That is…weird.