Catholic Sexuality: Why I'm not sure

[Mr_Friscus]

… I can ever be sexual again.

I’ve been a protestant my entire life and am in the process of conversion to Catholicism. I was sexually active in pre-marital sex and masterbation for a decade. I’ve confessed my mortal sins and have renewed my cleanliness.

But as far as my expectations, my whole life I thought that once I was married, I’d be able to enjoy the act with my wife, and still have the option of family planning.

Well, that’s not the case obviously in Catholicism LOL. I can’t use contraception, I can’t “pull out”, I have to TRY to have kids.

I have enough issues living my own life. And I’ll say this, being sexually active for so long in my life certainly corrupts and twists the body and the mind. It’s almost as if it’d be easier to never marry, so there isn’t the perverbial “carrot” dangling in front of me that requires me to take on the wonderful gift, but absolute sacrifice, of children.

 

[pensmama87]

… I can ever be sexual again.

I’ve been a protestant my entire life and am in the process of conversion to Catholicism. I was sexually active in pre-marital sex and masterbation for a decade. I’ve confessed my mortal sins and have renewed my cleanliness.

But as far as my expectations, my whole life I thought that once I was married, I’d be able to enjoy the act with my wife, and still have the option of family planning.

Well, that’s not the case obviously in Catholicism LOL. I can’t use contraception, I can’t “pull out”, I have to TRY to have kids.

I have enough issues living my own life. And I’ll say this, being sexually active for so long in my life certainly corrupts and twists the body and the mind. It’s almost as if it’d be easier to never marry, so there isn’t the perverbial “carrot” dangling in front of me that requires me to take on the wonderful gift, but absolute sacrifice, of children.

With respect to the bolded, no. You do not have to try to have kids. You just can’t change sex to try to prevent them. If you and your wife were to discern that having children wasn’t prudent at the present time, you can employ natural family planning methods that involve monitoring fertility and abstaining at the times when your wife would be fertile (since women are not fertile all of the time). Does that involve some sacrifice? Yes, it does, but at the same time, nothing in life is consequence free (what would you expect if you could endlessly indulge your appetite for bacon cheeseburgers? What if you tried to circumvent that by throwing up every time you eat?)

As a woman, personally, I find contracepted sex way less satisfying than non-contracepted sex. When I was on the pill, my senses were dulled, my libido was less, and I gained weight and got depressed. I’m not the only one who experiences this with hormonal birth control. When I used barrier methods, it was awkward, there was always the fear that it might break (and that did happen once), and no matter what the ads say the sensation, frankly, is not as good. And what man, really, wants to “pull out” at the best feeling part of the whole thing?

On a personal, physical, AND spiritual level, it’s very freeing to know that every time I am with my husband, we don’t have to worry about all of that stuff. And to know that God expects us to be good stewards of our bodies in this way the same way He expects it with anything else. So if we can’t presently accept the natural gift that comes from sex, we are expected to develop the discipline to abstain. Abstinence is hard, but it’s very similar to knowing that we can’t drink and drive, or eat and throw up, or do hard drugs. It’s not responsible behavior. The extra difficulty with abstinence today is that society likes to pretend that sex is somehow different than the other things and that it’s perfectly normal to expect it to be consequence-free. But it isn’t.

 

[1ke]

my whole life I thought that once I was married, I’d be able to enjoy the act with my wife, and still have the option of family planning.

Natural family planning does just this. It assists the couple in understanding their fertility and can be used to achieve or postpone pregnancy.

I have to TRY to have kids.

I wouldn’t say that is an accurate representation of Church teaching vis-à-vis any individual act of the marital embrace.

that requires me to take on the wonderful gift, but absolute sacrifice, of children.

So, help clarify please. Are you stating that you have a permanent intention against children? Or just that you are not sure how many children you want in your future at this point in your life?

 

[GEddie]

With respect to the bolded, no. You do not have to try to have kids. You just can’t change sex to try to prevent them. If you and your wife were to discern that having children wasn’t prudent at the present time, you can employ natural family planning methods that involve monitoring fertility and abstaining at the times when your wife would be fertile (since women are not fertile all of the time). Does that involve some sacrifice?** Yes, it does, but at the same time, nothing in life is consequence free (what would you expect if you could endlessly indulge your appetite for bacon cheeseburgers? What if you tried to circumvent that by throwing up every time you eat?)**

+ 1

One day, contraceptive sexuality will be seen as the parallel to the old Riman vomitoria, which it is: An attempt to achieve bodily pleasure while defeating the body’s normal functioning.

And then, Catholic teaching on contraception will find a whole new acceptance.

ICXC NIKA

 

[Elizium23]

One day, contraceptive sexuality will be seen as the parallel to the old Riman vomitoria, which it is: An attempt to achieve bodily pleasure while defeating the body’s normal functioning.

I hate to break it to you, but vomitorium is actually Latin for “large hallway”. The whole thing you describe about it being a location for puking is a pernicious myth.

 

[TarkanAttila]

And I’ll say this, being sexually active for so long in my life certainly corrupts and twists the body and the mind. It’s almost as if it’d be easier to never marry, so there isn’t the perverbial “carrot” dangling in front of me that requires me to take on the wonderful gift, but absolute sacrifice, of children.

To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. So St. Paul said to the Corinthians. The Apostles voiced similar opinions when the Lord told them remarriage is out of the question. Even the good Holy Father John Paul II, the saint - he said it is possible and wrong to lust after one’s own wife.

When it comes to sex, our culture is screwed up, man. We understand you can’t get a break in eating right, exercising right, working the right job, getting a good education, saving for retirement. Why don’t they get that sexuality has rules that, if you slough them off, will also screw up your life?

Mr. Friscus, may I ask a simple favor of you? Think about this question for a second. What’s human sexuality for? Is it primarily for gratifying our lusts and our urges? Why the egg and sperm, then, juxtaposed so close to each other.

I get it, though. It’s tough to buy with your body. I’ve been a wanker for over a decade. I wanna stop. But it’s not as easy as willing yourself not to. You’re right. Your mind and body are twisted up when you do this chronically for years on end. Welcome to the club.

I think I will pray for you. You sound like you could use the commendation of a fellow sinner. I see your struggle - and that it’s a struggle, and not a protest. Hard, innit? There’s got to be some kind of support group for Catholics who want to live true to the Church but have problems staying faithful to the sixth commandment.

 

[heart4home]

Nobody knows how you will feel after marriage, but it seems that you may need to talk to somebody to help you come to terms with your sexual past and the corruption you feel you have done to your body and soul. Sex between a husband and wife is a gift and can be a beautiful thing. With some proper guidance, prayer and understanding perhaps you would come to change your mind and attitude towards what it is truly meant to be.Theology of the Body may be something you wish to read.

All that said, marriage is to be open to life. Yes, NFP, can be used when you and your spouse in prayerfull agreement decide that it is prudent to space children.

However, when the attitude is that a couple will use NFP for an entire marriage and never have children because they are a great sacrifice, one would have to search their hearts and prayerfully, and hopefully truthfully, consider if they are really open to life.

It seems more and more NFP is being suggested as a guarantee that if used properly it is 99.9% effective against conception. At times the way it is presented by some, it almost sounds like a contraceptive AD.

I’m assuming you are not in a relationship right now. There is nothing wrong with a single vocation, however, I think you are putting the cart before the horse so to speak. If you find and fall in love with another Catholic who shares the Church’s teachings, you will discover that marriage is much more than sex anyways. It’s a total commitment to help another soul find their way to heaven.

Prayers for you as you continue your journey home.

 

[Mr_Friscus]

With respect to the bolded, no. You do not have to try to have kids. You just can’t change sex to try to prevent them. If you and your wife were to discern that having children wasn’t prudent at the present time, you can employ natural family planning methods that involve monitoring fertility and abstaining at the times when your wife would be fertile (since women are not fertile all of the time).

I wasn’t aware that was a choice supported by the Catholic Church, Is it?

And what man, really, wants to “pull out” at the best feeling part of the whole thing?

Agreed LOL

On a personal, physical, AND spiritual level, it’s very freeing to know that every time I am with my husband, we don’t have to worry about all of that stuff. And to know that God expects us to be good stewards of our bodies in this way the same way He expects it with anything else. So if we can’t presently accept the natural gift that comes from sex, we are expected to develop the discipline to abstain. Abstinence is hard, but it’s very similar to knowing that we can’t drink and drive, or eat and throw up, or do hard drugs. It’s not responsible behavior. The extra difficulty with abstinence today is that society likes to pretend that sex is somehow different than the other things and that it’s perfectly normal to expect it to be consequence-free. But it isn’t.

Yes, I’m re-acquainting myself with the abstinent life, and wishing to fully embrace it.

Of course, men will never know what women feel, and vice versa. I’ll say this, the drive and visual draw towards female beauty is absolutely dominant, and takes years of focus and discipline to lay the foundations of a truly dominant habit against it.

Sometimes I feel empowered, like I can parade like a fortress around society, unwavered by the appeals. I can “walk between the raindrops” of feminine beauty, which stir up long-established desires.

Other times, my mind is seemingly hounded by improper thoughts, and rushes of lust and desire from within because of them. Former experiences rise to the top. I suddenly brush against every raindrop, and each droplet wets me just a bit, weighing me down, in a sense breaking me down, away from my abstinent desires.

Sometimes, like the Soundgarden song says, I’d like to “Blow up the Outside World” (figuratively, not literally). It’s just such a tough thing to deal with when you’re in the first stages of overall rejecting the luxuries of secular culture and in the midst of breaking un-Christian living habits.

I’m not the first to deal with this, I won’t be the last. I can only speak how I feel.

And I’ve come to realize that dating a woman is simply out of the question for me during this time, and perhaps for the rest of my life. I mean, it’s truly hard enough to find a woman who is devout in their faith and wishes to remain celebate until marriage (even if they were previously active as was the case with me).

 

[Mr_Friscus]

So, help clarify please. Are you stating that you have a permanent intention against children? Or just that you are not sure how many children you want in your future at this point in your life?

I’m simply breaking myself down, and what i have to offer.

I just broke up with the girl I was dating, basically because I had to be honest; I couldn’t answer the call and desires she had. Not only did she want a family, which I’m not against, but she wanted it right away (a honeymoon baby), and wanted 5 children.

Meanwhile, I have a difficult enough time dealing with myself and my life:

• I don’t have a career job. I have a jobs I love to do, but they aren’t sufficient.
• I don’t have a set living area. I’m 32 and live with my folks. I’ve been blessed with the gift of this, but at the same time mildly immature in this area.
• I have many health problems, including chronic depression, low testosterone, severe sleep apnea, and now today I just had a liver ultrasound because my liver enzymes and cholesterol are through the roof.

So… children? I don’t feel like I have much of the right to demand or acknowledge such a request.

 

[Mr_Friscus]

When it comes to sex, our culture is screwed up, man.

Boy, you aren’t kidding.

We understand you can’t get a break in eating right, exercising right, working the right job, getting a good education, saving for retirement. Why don’t they get that sexuality has rules that, if you slough them off, will also screw up your life?

Mr. Friscus, may I ask a simple favor of you? Think about this question for a second. What’s human sexuality for? Is it primarily for gratifying our lusts and our urges? Why the egg and sperm, then, juxtaposed so close to each other.

Indeed, it’s quite well designed isn’t it.

What is it for? I think I know where you’re going with this, and I’ll just say flat out: No matter how much I’d like to objectify and satisfy my lustful desires, it doesn’t matter what I’d like. I can’t stand relativism in society, and I’m not going to start here, especially in an area where I’m most passionate about.

1. I must acknowledge it’s a sin
2. I must actively fight against these urges.

I’ll admit it. I’m angry at times. Angry at society, it’s messages. I’m angry that I fell under their spell, and not only offended God, but actively walked AWAY from Him with over a decade of mortal sin (under the Protestant faith). I’m angry that I have these urges. I hate my temptations, and my urges to sin.

However, I’ll also say this. In being rushed by these sinful desires, I know that Satan is getting desperate. I think sometimes once, through the fighting, you find moments and periods of time of confidence and ease, you can smile, and know that while Satan used to be able count on me as far as being a slave to Pre-marital sex… he can’t have it anymore. He can’t have me anymore, and the fact that I feel such strong sinful desires only shows that I’m actively working against him.

I get it, though. It’s tough to buy with your body. I’ve been a wanker for over a decade. I wanna stop. But it’s not as easy as willing yourself not to. You’re right. Your mind and body are twisted up when you do this chronically for years on end. Welcome to the club.

I fell into temptation yesterday. It had been 3 weeks since my first Confession, and 3 weeks of purity. The father at my church called out of the blue, and I went in to confess. I wept.

I think I will pray for you. You sound like you could use the commendation of a fellow sinner. I see your struggle - and that it’s a struggle, and not a protest. Hard, innit? There’s got to be some kind of support group for Catholics who want to live true to the Church but have problems staying faithful to the sixth commandment.

It’s exactly what I was asking my church father about. I’ll say this, often times the spiritually lacking “new age churches” in the Protestant faith that irk me so much are the ones that often have the most active groups such as these.

P.S. Thank you for your prayers. It sounds like we share much of the same modern social plight, but both know it’s worth it, and in ways we can’t even possibly fathom.

 

[Mr_Friscus]

All that said, marriage is to be open to life. Yes, NFP, can be used when you and your spouse in prayerfull agreement decide that it is prudent to space children.

However, when the attitude is that a couple will use NFP for an entire marriage and never have children because they are a great sacrifice, one would have to search their hearts and prayerfully, and hopefully truthfully, consider if they are really open to life.

That’s what I’m not sure about. Like you, I suspect one can technically be open to life, but actively work against it in other ways.

I’m assuming you are not in a relationship right now.

I was dating someone, but we just ended it last night. I went into some detail as far as why in a post I just made.

*I just broke up with the girl I was dating, basically because I had to be honest; I couldn’t answer the call and desires she had. Not only did she want a family, which I’m not against, but she wanted it right away (a honeymoon baby), and wanted 5 children.

Meanwhile, I have a difficult enough time dealing with myself and my life:

• I don’t have a career job. I have a jobs I love to do, but they aren’t sufficient.
• I don’t have a set living area. I’m 32 and live with my folks. I’ve been blessed with the gift of this, but at the same time mildly immature in this area.
• I have many health problems, including chronic depression, low testosterone, severe sleep apnea, and now today I just had a liver ultrasound because my liver enzymes and cholesterol are through the roof.

So… children? I don’t feel like I have much of the right to demand or acknowledge such a request. *