Catholic woman afraid of having children

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Would appreciate some advice.

I love babies and enjoy spending time with children and as a child used to want a big family (eg 5-7 kids) and ultimately I know I will feel sad if I choose not to have kids.

But I am feeling a LOT of fear about spending 20+ years essentially being a housewife if I have more than one kid. I have a degree from Oxford University and a Philosophy masters and I strongly feel that my intellect is an area where I can contribute to the world and the church. I feel I would be unfulfilled and desperately unhappy as a pure homemaker for that kind of time period. Being a housewife seems the only option given that a) I am drawn to homeschooling, b) take seriously the requirement to be generous with how many kids you have, c) boyfriend doesn’t want to be a househusband.

I am only recently in a relationship having been single for 25 years, and having built an amazing life and network of great people that fulfilled me.

Is this just the devil making me fearful and anxious? (I suspect this because if I think about this topic too much it makes me almost cry, and makes me start arguments with my boyfriend in which I almost say I’m too afraid of this stuff to be in a relationship at all.) Or are these real concerns that everyone faces and I should just try and hash them out and come to an agreement about childcare stuff with my boyfriend?

Any mothers reading who have multiple kids as well as career/side projects?

Any advice would be appreciated … 🙂
 
You may need to figure out how much energy you have. You need a lot of energy to have a large family. You will be basically running from early in the morning til late into the evening. And a lot of the work is housework.

My suggestion is not to homeschool. People from all walks of life can help inform your children and motivate them. If you want the kids to be kinder, and more religious, I’d make sure they don’t play videogames, play on cell phones, or watch t.v… This is more important than homeschooling them, in my opinion. Plus if you make some money, you can send the children to better schools.

If somebody is instructing them during the day, you can have fun with contributing to the world and the church with your education. Then in the evening, you can do things like teach your children to volunteer at old age homes, bring them to the art gallery, or help them have a hobby like sewing, woodworking, or electronics. But what I see, is most kids want to be in dance or soccer or something like that, and all your hours in the evening will go to activities. Then they really run with the crowd and it’s harder to control their direction. The children will succumb to every peer pressure, and whatever depression is going around.

You will have a hard time making your own contribution, because instead of having a peaceful child who can play alone while you read philosophy papers, you will basically be a non-paid chauffeur.

But if you do stay home and homeschool you can bring a lot of benefit to the world through your kids. It won’t be you getting the acclaim for a philosophy essay, but they. All your thoughts will go to promoting their education. If you think you will have time for your own things, I will say now, I highly doubt it.

I’m speaking as somebody who has no children, and who like you, appreciates children. Even in my state in life, there is a ton of housework on top of my career. I’m desperately tired of it, so I can see your hesitation.
 
I am the mother of two children and would not change that for anything. I to have a degree and thought I would spend at least 5-10 years teaching, but that changed when I met this beautiful man who asked me to be his wife, I said yes and my life and my plans changed.I do not like the word housewife. Wife yes. mother, yes. I have a full time job taking care of the ones I love. In fact to me it’s not a job., it’s an act of love, I to have built a great network of friends that fulfill my life and have shown their love and stood by me., especially when I lost that beautiful man who asked me to be his wife, the father of my children, who God called home 15 months ago.Had I ever known this would happen, I would not change a thing. This love taught me more than I could learn in a lifettime. No regrets for my decision. I still have work ahead of me ,one is 11, the other 9. So you see I still have a career ’ I am very happy and the benefits are great. God Bless you…🦋🦋

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It is possible for both parents to work and homeschool. I am not a parent, but I read articles about it. One thing to remember is that homeschooling is a much more time-efficient metod of instruction and would not require nearly as much of a time commitment of 40 hours a week. The sources I read says it is more around 20.
 
We live in the age of the internet. You can help others from the comfort of your own home nowadays.
 
While I see that my life won’t ne the same with children, I still don’t think I would have to quit my intelectual Life.
Hubby and me are both historians. We love our studies, but we both agreed I will be at home- If financially possible- until the youngest will be in the Kindergarden age of three. But I will remain a student/ still teach for some hours part time for money and for pleasure/ social contacts. I think agreeing on this is the key in family planning. I do have fear regarding our live with children, but I did everything to fix the basic circumstances to be pleasing to US and the rest…I pray for. It helps me alot to think that children are natural in married life and not a certain way only suitable for special people with family fitting personalities. Diversity is natural. I will read all the ancient Epic Tales I love so much from my studies to my children, for example. No skills are lost!
 
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OP, why do you feel that you would have to spend 20 years as a housewife?

Don’t take this the wrong way, but until you have children, you don’t really know how you will feel. You may want to stay home. You may stay home part time, and homeschool when you are home. You may decide that once your children are old enough, that they will go to school and you will work during school hours only. You won’t know til you have them.

I would be more concerned at this point with discussing your expectations of what your boyfriend thinks his role in raising your children would be, knowing that you too, would not like to stay home all the time either. Will you compromise, will you give up your career, this is something you need to discuss before you marry.
 
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Stop thinking so much and just trust in God. Its just having kids
 
I agree with Irishmom2 and would add:

–You don’t know how many you’ll have. It might be one or two and then no more.
–There are starting to be 3-day schools, where you homeschool 2 days a week.
–It’s possible to do a lot of educational stuff with children in the evening, on the weekend, and during vacations. School kids have a LOT of vacations. Our family does a lot of stuff in the summer.
–You may discover that you like having kids in preschool and school–that’s what I found.
–2 children does not mean 20 years of being a housewife.
 
I had a career for 6 years, then stayed home with kids for 10. I went back to work 3 years ago. Now I am working on my masters. Raising children is intellectually challenging. It’s also deeply gratifying, terrifying, beautiful, and joyful. Some moms aren’t cut out to stay home with children. There is a certain level of mundanity in doing the same laundry over and over, washing the same sippy cups over and over, and lack of contact with the intellectual world. That being said, I feel like the time was an investment in the future. I am super tight with my kids and enjoy being with them. They are doing great so far. If you have any inclination toward motherhood, I don’t think you will regret having them. They light up your life in unexpected ways. I treasure them beyond measure. They surprise and delight me on a daily basis.

As a side note, we do our best to be faithful, practicing Catholics. We send our kids to public school. Nothing against homeschool, but we want them to practice being Catholic in a secular world. We discuss the pitfalls with them, they bring up things that they see and have questions about. Just because they go to public school, doesn’t mean we are neglecting their faith formation. I teach in a Catholic school but believe I can and should trust my children to practice their faith in a real and diverse world.
 
ColorMomma said:
They light up your life in unexpected ways. I treasure them beyond measure. They surprise and delight me on a daily basis.
Click to expand...
I have no experience or advice on the thread topic, but I have to say that this comment rings true for me even with the newest children of my nieces. They always surprise and delight.
 
It’s entirely normal to have serious questions about the direction of one’s life. Nothing at all abnormal or devilish about it. You’ll figure out eventually what is right for you. Relax and take it one day at a time.
 
What I would like to add:
Years ago I read an interesting internet blog from a german rabbi (I try to find the article) who has a “ask the rabbi” section. There was a man teling the rabbi that he and his wife thinking of having children and can´t decide at least, they made pro and con lists, planned everthing, but insecurity didn´t left. They asked what to do if there are as many con´s as pro´s . The Rabbi said at least, he would go for the decision that would cause the most learning capacity for the human being - because standing still, also spiritual, is not what god wants us to do. Having children is a changing life passage, and so was his answer.
I found this very useful for me, and liked this kind of view very much. God holds so much for us. This is one reason for the “being open to life” thing - giving god the space in our lifes to change us in our minds. I think we would miss so many good parents with important wisdom if only the people who are 100% sure they want to focus only on their kids (and I doubt this is an ideal setting) become parents.
 
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