Charity and Personal Growth

[omegabane]

All - I face a dilemma of Christian Charity that I hope you might be able to offer me some advice on.

Just under one year ago a particular member joined my parish community. For the past year she has struggled to successfully integrate herself into the social fabric of the parish and the various parish communities that exist. It seems that her past life experiences have seriously degraded her ability to interact normally with most people.

Recently, she has taken a liking to me and she feels that she can really trust me and rely on me. While I praise God that I am able to be a model of Christ for her, I can also see clearly that she is spiritually, emotionally and socially unhealthy. If I am around, she will literally follow me everywhere I go, and when I begin to engage in conversations with others, she will frequently interrupt and start talking about issues that are completely unrelated. When I am not around, she may try to call me as many as five to ten times per day.

She makes many people uncomfortable, and many people just try to avoid her altogether. Others may try to be kind to her, only to get the cold shoulder.

I know that the law of charity dictates that I should serve her in her need, but I think that her needs go well beyond what I am able to help her with, and her emotional fragility scares me away from suggesting that she seek outside help. The last time I did this, she told me that I never listened to her, that I was being completely insensitive just like everyone else and that she planned to completely ignore me and all my friends from thence forth. I prayed and prayed for her, and she finally seems to have decided, at least, that I didn’t mean any harm by what I said, but she is still in a state of crisis.

I don’t know what to do. I love her as a sister in Christ, and I praise the Holy Spirit for the power He gives me to talk with her and help her, but I know that I don’t have the help she really needs. How do I help her to grow without pushing her away? How do I balance the call to be Christ for her and to practice charity, while at the same time helping her to find Jesus and grow with Him?

 

[water]

Your description about your friend is quite similar to my situation. What I learn about my friend is that she’s gone through a lot and this really affects her self-esteem.

Being patient, forgiving, and paying a bit more attention to my friend really helps her a lot. I and my girlfriend invite her to my home to watch TV together, to restaurant together, or to pray together. Sometimes, I get irritated too for the same reasons that your friend has, but each time I pray a Hail Mary for myself to understand my friend and to pray for her.

Sometimes, I praise my friend for her being involved at the Church. When she looks happy, I give her a compliment. Also, when she needs to be corrected, I tried to explain in a caring way; this isn’t easy all the time.

Here is the beautiful quote from the Blessed Mother Theresa that I think I need to be reminded every day:

“In one word, be a real branch on the vine, Jesus. The surest means to this will be to deepen our love for each other; knowing each other’s lovablenss; feeling the need of each other; speaking well of each other and to each other; appreciating and knowing each other’s gifts and abilities”.

God bless!

 

[BarbaraTherese]

I don’t know what to do. I love her as a sister in Christ, and I praise the Holy Spirit for the power He gives me to talk with her and help her, but I know that I don’t have the help she really needs. How do I help her to grow without pushing her away? How do I balance the call to be Christ for her and to practice charity, while at the same time helping her to find Jesus and grow with Him?

Just be a friend and it may be at personal cost.

On the other hand sometimes we know that we are out of our depth and need to accept that sometimes “out of our depth” is where we are truly stuck and we are neither helping the other person whom we really want to help and are also bringing distress to ourselves.

Have you had a talk with your parish priest? On the basis of your Post, I think this person is in need of some expert help through some form of counselling, although it sounds as if she cannot recognize that she does have a problem(s) she needs to deal with. Probably insisting that she seeks help, although she may be quite resistant, even somehow hostile, would be the best move for her personally and would address the problems (among which sounds as if she is manipulative) she has if she will seek expert assistance. Compassionate love can sometimes ask quite hard and difficult steps in order to act in the best interests of all.

But I would be talking with an expert myself about the situation and be guided by them as how to handle this situation. Your parish priest would be a good start as she is a parishioner and he is the shepherd of his flock.

Blessings and may The Holy Spirit inspire and guide you…Barb

 

[omegabane]

Barb & water - thanks so much for your responses. They are helpful. On Friday evening, a new wrinkle was thrown into this that makes it even more difficult for me to approach now. This individual has apparently told others that she has a romantic interest in me.

Now I’m faced with an even harder challenge because I don’t know how I can show her the kindness she needs without leading her on. She does suffer from some type of mental disorder, though she has never, as far as I am aware, seen a doctor for a diagnosis because she truly believes that she is normal and everyone else has the problem.

I am setting an appointment to speak with the priest at my Parish who knows her best and has spent quite some time in consultation with her. At the very least, I hope he can offer me solid advice.

Thanks again!

 

[IrishAm]

Barb & water - thanks so much for your responses. They are helpful. On Friday evening, a new wrinkle was thrown into this that makes it even more difficult for me to approach now. This individual has apparently told others that she has a romantic interest in me.

Oh, dear, that does add a wrinkle doesn’t it? Although I am not sure if you are a man or a woman, her feelings in combination with a seeming instability do complicate your ability to respond. Speaking with the priest who know her, and you, is an excellent idea. You have neither the professional skills, nor the moral obligation, to do more than you can do.

 

[omegabane]

Oh, dear, that does add a wrinkle doesn’t it? Although I am not sure if you are a man or a woman, her feelings in combination with a seeming instability do complicate your ability to respond. Speaking with the priest who know her, and you, is an excellent idea. You have neither the professional skills, nor the moral obligation, to do more than you can do.

Thank you - and for the record, I am male, so there are no moral issues surrounding same-sex attraction in this case.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Barb & water - thanks so much for your responses. They are helpful. On Friday evening, a new wrinkle was thrown into this that makes it even more difficult for me to approach now. This individual has apparently told others that she has a romantic interest in me.

Now I’m faced with an even harder challenge because I don’t know how I can show her the kindness she needs without leading her on. She does suffer from some type of mental disorder, though she has never, as far as I am aware, seen a doctor for a diagnosis because she truly believes that she is normal and everyone else has the problem.

I am setting an appointment to speak with the priest at my Parish who knows her best and has spent quite some time in consultation with her. At the very least, I hope he can offer me solid advice.

Thanks again!

I am setting an appointment to speak with the priest at my Parish who knows her best and has spent quite some time in consultation with her. At the very least, I hope he can offer me solid advice.

Jolly good move, Omegabane! …especially in the light of this latest development and don’t forget to bring this up with Father too - situations like this where a stated romantic type attraction comes into a picture with a person who seems unstable can get quite untenable to say the very least.

She does suffer from some type of mental disorder, though she has never, as far as I am aware, seen a doctor for a diagnosis because she truly believes that she is normal and everyone else has the problem.

Believing oneself to be normal and everyone else has the problem is quite common in mental illness and especially until such time (and hopefully it will occur!) as the person accepts that they do indeed have a problem and need help.
I hope and will pray too that Father gives you very good and informed advice and that he can be very strong. May The Holy Spirit guide you both…and also this woman, bringing her to a point where she realizes that she does indeed need professional help.

Blessings and regards…Barb