Chastity question!

[Chevaleresse]

Yes it was a specific man who was interested in me but i just spoke my mind and told him politely what i want in a guy and he didnt like the fact i was judging him becuase he wasnt a virgin and I wanted to be someone who has been pure in his past…

Good for you for telling him. Alot of women don’t have the same level of courage or conviction as you.

 

[Norseman82]

The marriage would be invalid. But you’re right - people who have premarital sex will often lie to cover it up. You know, sin leads to sin. I have no respect for people who lie about themselves in order to trick people in to marrying them.

But more men are virgins than women after 24ish so she actually has a pretty good chance of finding one (compared to a man).

Love the ad hominem towards the OP. “You have standards? Obviously there’s something wrong with you.”

Which is rarer than finding a virgin anyway.

Because God is God and you’re not?

She could. They exist. Do you have any reason for discouraging her?

Therefor change your standards?

I just love these threads. The replies are always:
“you can set your standards any way you want… but you shouldn’t set your standards any way you want.”

Or: “if you set your standards too high you’ll miss the person God intended for you” (which is pure sophistry, BTW).

Or: “if they’re a virgin, they’re just a time bomb waiting to detonate after you marry them”

Or: “St. Augustine”

Just face it everyone. Marrying a non-virgin is much riskier than marrying a virgin. I know some of you have a sexual past. But you have to take responsibility for it, not hide from it. Children try to cover up their mistakes because they aren’t mature enough to handle it. I know you’re reminded of your past mistakes and you realize that you’d be rejected by the OP and it bothers you. Give it up.

PS. forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=9931098&postcount=54

Although I don’t know about the virginity rates by gender for those 24+, and I do believe we should strive to God’s ideals, I for the most part agree with this post.

 

[Sillara]

Although it’s not a sin for you to refuse to marry someone based on that - I was almost tempted to say “you have the right to refuse someone because of that” - but one should not forget that Catholic life, or life in general, isn’t about (fictional) rights that we believe we (should) have. Your happiness does not depend on your “right” to refuse to marry someone because he had premarital sex/lied/missed Mass on Sundays/insert sin here, but on the will of God about you.

So, my best advice is: do not set rules like these. You simply do not now what is God’s will for you. Your discernment should follow a case by case analysis.

And perhaps you should rather explore the reasons that make you loath so much that particular sin commited in the past by a person who is repentant and received the Sacrament of Reconciliation (God forgave his sins and perhaps he is a better person today than he was before commiting those sins). Could your rigour hide pride, jealously, or anything else? It’s up to you to consider this.

Please, no. Please do not tell this poor girl that she is bordering on sinful for wanting to marry a virgin! Yes, there are many other sins besides unchastity, but few have more bearing on marriage.

Furthermore, there are very, very few people for whom God has chosen “The One”. Most of us might marry any of several people and still be perfectly within God’s will.

[Full disclosure: I have no dog in this fight, so to speak, having been married for 15 years to my darling husband. Yes, I gave my husband my virginity. No, he did not give me his. I would marry him all over again.]]

There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with saying that you want to marry a virgin. There is nothing wrong with that. It is right and good to preserve your virginity until marriage, and though forgiveness comes, temporal consequences remain. St. Paul talks about the differences between sexual sin and other types, and though other types of sin can be equally damning, equally mortal, few if any have more temporal consequences.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Please, no. Please do not tell this poor girl that she is bordering on sinful for wanting to marry a virgin! Yes, there are many other sins besides unchastity, but few have more bearing on marriage.

Furthermore, there are very, very few people for whom God has chosen “The One”. Most of us might marry any of several people and still be perfectly within God’s will.

[Full disclosure: I have no dog in this fight, so to speak, having been married for 15 years to my darling husband. Yes, I gave my husband my virginity. No, he did not give me his. I would marry him all over again.]]

There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with saying that you want to marry a virgin. There is nothing wrong with that. It is right and good to preserve your virginity until marriage, and though forgiveness comes, temporal consequences remain. St. Paul talks about the differences between sexual sin and other types, and though other types of sin can be equally damning, equally mortal, few if any have more temporal consequences.

Thank you for responding to that post - I would have, but I missed it as I read the responses. It’s preposterous to make this young lady question herself and feel that SHE is sinning for wanting her future husband to be chaste!!!

 

[Sillara]

Thank you for responding to that post - I would have, but I missed it as I read the responses. It’s preposterous to make this young lady question herself and feel that SHE is sinning for wanting her future husband to be chaste!!!

Thank you!:grouphug:

Sometimes this forum just baffles me.

 

[ValPal]

I have been a Catholic for quite some time now,I have strong family and moral values and I intend to keep my chastity intact and never compromise on them.

I had question regarding keeping my standards too high, I am a virgin

I have great respect for people such as yourself that remain chaste, especially given the pressures to do otherwise nowadays.

and I would also want a Catholic man whos a virgin too because if he is not,then i donot want to be in a relation ship with him regardless if we both get along well and we have many things in common…because the pain of him lying with another woman would hurt me and would eat me up inside… and that is no what i want to go through.

Is it okay if i keep my standards high?! Because I know and pray that i get what i deserve the best and im not being ‘too proud’ about it,but in myheart i want a guy whos pure and is saving himself for marriage so he and i could share the gift of our virginity so that we may both feel special and remain holy.

I would like to know if im, being selfish and judging someone because " I would respect him and would like him,might consider marrying him because he would want too. but he isnt virgin thats why would not marry him "…

The decision of who to marry and under what criteria is yours and yours alone.

If you find someone else who is a virgin that says a lot about that person.

OTOH, in my opinion, which of course you don’t have to listen to, is that people that are not virgins should not be discounted. People make mistakes, and when it comes to sex, people often make big ones. The issue is how they handled them, which can tell a great deal about the person. When dating my wife, she has such issues in her past, which would normally cause concern. However, she was incredibly up front about everything, had been to confession, and all was in her past. I don’t even think about her past, even though I know everything about it; the only thing I think about is her truly extraordinary personality and what an incredibly good mother she is.

If i go through someone whos not a virgin how do I be clear about my values and the importance of him being a virgin? How do i counter this problem ‘without’ offending someone?

Don’t worry about offending anyone. Simply ask it right up front. If they’re offended, that person is not for you, so you shouldn’t worry about a thing.

Best of luck!

 

[nida007]

Thank you guys so much! I think I got my answer,thank you for your posts

God Bless