Cheating in my family

[redtech]

I’m so sorry! He is in my prayers.

Did they have any kids together?

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m so sorry! He is in my prayers.

Did they have any kids together?

No, they didn’t. I remember my sister telling me how much my nephew wants children…and how his wife, just really never thought it was the right time. I don’t think has been going on for a while, but I think she has been unhappy for a while. My nephew, of course, is no saint. There are two sides to every story, but he loves her, never cheated…and tried to work hard to support her…

 

[whatevergirl]

whatevergirl,

This is the kind of stuff that can bring a person to God. Don’t despair. What was hidden is now out in the open and hopefully something can be done.

First of all, I would forget about an annulment at this point. Let’s not focus on that. It’s kind of like saying let’s get this marriage overwith so your nephew can find a better wife. I don’t think that is your intention, but is still kind of seems that way to me. And it seems harsh.

You’ve proven on these boards to be a very kind and loving person. Bring your love to your sister and nephew. Listen and don’t judge his wife. Obviously, adultery is wrong, but there is probably more to the story than you know.

Adultery and DUIs happen all the time to everyone. No one is immune from this kind of thing, not you and not me, either. It could be that the wife felt so badly about the adultery that she drank trying to cover her guilt and pain. We just don’t know.

Let’s be thankful no one was killed in a drunk driving accident. Let’s be thankful your nephew has an aunt in you who loves him so much. Let’s be thankful your sister has your shoulder to cry on. Let’s all be thankful you have each other.

And let’s pray for God to intervene in this situation and bring good from it.

My heart goes out to you. I know this is very difficult.

Oh my gosh…what you are saying about the dui. I had never thought of that–yes…she could have been drowning her sorrows, so to speak. I knew her, and from what I knew, she did not have a drinking problem. So, that could very well explain that. I don’t judge her whatsoever…we’re all sinners to varying degrees…all works in progress. I just feel so sorry for them both…that my nephew found out, and that it had to be his brother’s best friend? How strange is that. My husband wonders how that could have even gone on for so long, when his brother and the friend (roommate) live in another state.

I just pray my younger nephew knew nothing about this…

Your post made me cry…you’re right, so much to be thankful for…I always think that about people, when they hit rock bottom, that this is what it might take to rise up to Christ. He’s just waiting with His hand outstretched, but will we take it. Thanks for your thoughts, they mean a lot.

 

[redtech]

No, they didn’t. I remember my sister telling me how much my nephew wants children…and how his wife, just really never thought it was the right time. I don’t think has been going on for a while, but I think she has been unhappy for a while. My nephew, of course, is no saint. There are two sides to every story, but he loves her, never cheated…and tried to work hard to support her…

I’m so sorry for them. I’m sure he’s hearbroken. Its good there are no kids involved yet though.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m so sorry for them. I’m sure he’s hearbroken. Its good there are no kids involved yet though.

They have three dogs together, and my sister said that the last time she saw them (and these used to be the wife’s pride and joys) the largest dog looked like she was starving. Like neglected. I don’t know what is going on…but, my nephew doesn’t want the dogs anymore…he is thinking of giving them away, because she has to go on a business trip. I’d take the dogs, but my husband might leave me, then.

 

[StarMaiden]

I can’t add to what has already been said but I will hold you all in my prayers.

 

[lizaanne]

I just saw this thread - you have excellent advise already. So sorry your family is having to go through this. Infidelity is horrible. Thankfully there are no children involved.

You are all in my prayers.

~Liza

 

[kage_ar]

One more bit of advice, when you talk to your sis or nephew - AS DIFFICULT AS IT SEEMS, don’t say anything bad about the wife. If they need to vent, listen, but do not add anything.

Should they reconcile, you do not want them to now feel uncomfortable with you because you said “blah blah blah”. Whatever you say about her should be that you are praying for her and that you hope it all works out for the best.

Again, I know how hard that is.

 

[maryjk]

One more bit of advice, when you talk to your sis or nephew - AS DIFFICULT AS IT SEEMS, don’t say anything bad about the wife. If they need to vent, listen, but do not add anything.

Should they reconcile, you do not want them to now feel uncomfortable with you because you said “blah blah blah”. Whatever you say about her should be that you are praying for her and that you hope it all works out for the best.

Again, I know how hard that is.

Really good advise.

Lots of hmmm, uh uh, and that must be hard. Rather than, I never liked her either.

Be a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board, just don’t add to the fray.

 

[noclevername]

Hi whatevergirl. I have been uber busy and haven’t had a chance to visit the forum lately but I am glad I took some time today.

Let me put your mind at ease about the DUI. It takes a lot less alcohol to put someone over the legal limit than most people realize. It only take a TWO DRINKS for a woman who weighs 120lbs to be illegal. Let me say that again, only TWO drinks! A lot of people don’t realize how little this is. The way I learned it is when my ex-husband got a DUI. When the police called me and told me they had him in custody, my knee jerk reaction was to be extremely mad at him because I automatically figured he was fall down drunk and swerving all over the road. What really happened was that he had three drinks over the course of a very loooong dinner involving a lot of food. He was pulled over because of a headlight out and they smelled the alcohol. And when they did the field test, he barely blew over the limit but he was over so they arrested him. And I know my ex-husband and his habits. I know that he only had those three drinks and I know he had a huge meal. I know that because the people who he was with confirmed it and I saw the restaurant bill. Also, had I been with him that night, I probably would have let him drive and not thought a thing about it. I rode with him after he had had a couple drinks several times in the past. And now that I think about it, that was always stupid because I don’t drink. Why didn’t I just drive all of those time? Hind sight is 20/20.

He pleaded guilty in court and even though it was a first offense, the penalty was steep. One thing he had to do was go to DUI school and that was where we learned how little it really takes. Here is a link to a really good chart that shows folks just how little it does take to blow over the limit. Scroll down to the charts labeled ‘MALE’ and ‘FEMALE’ ou.edu/oupd/bac.htm

Now that I know this, I sit in restaurants watching couples drink together knowing they will be driving home and wishing I had the guts to warn them but I don’t.

I am so sorry you are going through this but please don’t think your nephew’s wife has a drinking problem due to this one incident. No matter what is going on in a marriage, there is no excuse for infidelity but that is a guilt she will have to live with the rest of her life. Please don’t think she has a drinking problem on top of it. She probably just went out and had a couple of drinks and drove home.

I’ll be praying for your family.

 

[whatevergirl]

noclevername…excellent point. My sister said her blood alcohol level was somewhere around 1.4 not sure how bad that is.

Thing is, she has been doing this for a while…and kage makes a great point, also…I mean, I don’t know her all that well…I thought she loved my nephew, and far from me to judge her or what he should do. All I know is, I’m ache for my nephew. Just feel so bad for him.

Update–my sister talked to his brother (the one who lives with the ‘friend’ who cheated with my nephew’s wife) and he said he is going on a business trip, and when he gets back…he is looking for a new place to live, and he told the guy, that he wants nothing to do with him.

His friend feels badly about it, but it sounds like he sleeps around, I guess he didn’t think much of this…I don’t know.

 

[noclevername]

noclevername…excellent point. My sister said her blood alcohol level was somewhere around 1.4 not sure how bad that is.

Thing is, she has been doing this for a while…and kage makes a great point, also…I mean, I don’t know her all that well…I thought she loved my nephew, and far from me to judge her or what he should do. All I know is, I’m ache for my nephew. Just feel so bad for him.

Update–my sister talked to his brother (the one who lives with the ‘friend’ who cheated with my nephew’s wife) and he said he is going on a business trip, and when he gets back…he is looking for a new place to live, and he told the guy, that he wants nothing to do with him.

His friend feels badly about it, but it sounds like he sleeps around, I guess he didn’t think much of this…I don’t know.

Do you mean .14? The numbers are in % and so 1.4% of alcohol in the blood is not really compatible with life. However, .14 (or .14%) is still almost twice the legal limit though. So much for my trying to look on the bright side of things. From what you say about her level, she and everyone around her should have known she was way too drunk to drive.

 

[whatevergirl]

I could have sworn she said 1.4. lol Maybe .14 …you could be right.

You know, to tell you the truth, I don’t think my nephew cares so much about her dui, other than her wellbeing and safety…and that she doesn’t hurt herself and others…but I think the real issue is that she slept with his brother’s best friend. I still find it so bizarre, myself.

 

[noclevername]

Yes, that is terrible. The infidelity is the first shocking thing but to find out it was his so-called best friend? That is even worse. I mean, that should be the guy your nephew turns to for help in this situation. But not only is the trust of his wife stripped from him but his best friend too. That is a lot to deal with. If you talk to your sister again, tell her to suggest your nephew go talk to a counselor. He is been hit from all sides and is probably dealing with things right now that he doesn’t know how to handle. No one would know how to handle that stuff. Poor guy. And the part about the dogs really really bothers me too. I LOVE animals. Whenever I hear bad things about animals and children it bothers me very very deeply. Most of the time I can’t even listen to it because it will haunt me.

I am so sorry your family is going through this.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes, that is terrible. The infidelity is the first shocking thing but to find out it was his so-called best friend? That is even worse. I mean, that should be the guy your nephew turns to for help in this situation. But not only is the trust of his wife stripped from him but his best friend too. That is a lot to deal with. If you talk to your sister again, tell her to suggest your nephew go talk to a counselor. He is been hit from all sides and is probably dealing with things right now that he doesn’t know how to handle. No one would know how to handle that stuff. Poor guy. And the part about the dogs really really bothers me too. I LOVE animals. Whenever I hear bad things about animals and children it bothers me very very deeply. Most of the time I can’t even listen to it because it will haunt me.

I am so sorry your family is going through this.

I know…it’s interesting, but I remember when my sister told me about the one dog looking so thin, I thought to myself that something was not right in their marriage, to start neglecting their dogs like that. My nephew travels a lot so it was up to her to take care of the dogs. I dunno, sucha mess. Thank you for your thoughts tonight.

 

[GratefulDad]

Hey WG, are things any better with your sister and nephew today? Praying for them.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi GD;

You know, I did hear from my sister this morning, and she said that she thought about things, prayed…and is praying for my nephew AND his wife, to work things out. She said that would be the best thing, IF in fact, the wife in question is willing to recommit to working on the marriage. See, that is key. If she is not willing, then the marriage won’t work. I’m praying for them to reconcile, if it be God’s will. Never know, God may never have wanted them to come together in marriage–not sure of where things will end up. Thanks for asking.