Cheating On a Doomed Marriage?

[milimac]

A friend of mine is going through a divorce, and will then seek an annulment. She is a devout Catholic who attends daily Mass and is active in various ministries. I can’t imagine what she’s going through, but when I’ve spoken to her, it’s obvious the marriage is over and it causes her a lot of pain.

Another long-time friend of hers, a single man, who is also a Catholic had expressed interest in coming back to the Church. She has brought him back to Mass with her and he has even become active as well in some Church activities. He is a good man, would make a good husband and father, and I have every reason to believe that their relationship is chaste.

What concerns me though is that now they seem to be together quite a lot. Perhaps he is just a good buddy, but it has all the appearances of dating. In a way I’m happy to see that she has someone she can talk to and spend time with and ease the pain of the divorce. On the other hand, not only has she not yet received an annulment, but she isn’t even divorced yet. If she were happily married, the amount of time she and her friend spend together would be inappropriate. Is it also inappropriate for a marriage where a divorce is underway?

She said almost everyone she talked to thought her husband was a bad match, but no one said anything. Now, as she’s going through this divorce, I wonder if I should risk telling her anything about this new relationship. I have heard that most annulments are eventually granted, but it seems like she’s jumping the gun and making presumptions that shouldn’t be made.

Still, I hate to see her in any more pain than she is now, and I fear giving bad advice. If for some reason an annulment is not granted, would she not be in even more pain, and her friend along with her? Is she preventing the possibility of a miraculous healing to her marriage with this new relationship? Am I a busybody just for thinking about her situation?

Please pray for her.

 

[Tom]

First of all, if she’s just a friend, all I would advise is prayer for her. She needs prayer and healing only God can give.
Whether her relationship is chaste or not shouldn’t be your concern. You should pray for her in either case. Their chastity is between them and God.
You may want to talk to her about the tendency for divorced and annulled people have to “replace” their formers, and that she should give herself a lot of time to heal herself.
If she’s devout as you say, she probably doesn’t need a refresher course in ethics.

 

[milimac]

Thanks for the reply. I have also heard that divorcees who remarry have even greater odds statistically for getting divorced again. If an opportunity presents itself I’ll mention that to her along with your advice as concerns for her to watch out for. Otherwise, I think I may go with not offering advice unless it’s asked for, and yes, even if things are far worse than I think they are (and especially if they are) I will continue to pray for her.

 

[LisaB]

If you are going to offer your friend advice, she has to be the one to ask for it first. If she is not open to receiving advise, she is likely to become defensive when you present your concerns.

Personally, I don’t believe that the amount of time your friend spends with this man makes any difference to whether or not this relationship is appropriate. The nature of their relationship depends on their feelings toward one another and their physical contact, if any. So only your friend can determine if this relationship is just a friendship or more than that.

If your friend considers her relationship a dating one, I would say that most likely it’s not a good idea to date while she is still in the midst of a divorce. I agree with Tom – If she doesn’t take time to heal, she might unconsciouly choose a partner as a reaction to her previos one --often, a partner just like her current husband or a direct opposite of him. Either way, she would not be choosing to be with her current boyfriend because she loves him as a person, but rather would be using the relationship (possibly unconsciously) to heal her wounds from her broken marriage.

As far as the Catholic Church goes, a person whose marriage is not annulled is not supposed to “date” because this person is still technically married. However, the line between good supportive friendship and dating is a fuzzy one. The most important thing is not to assume that her marriage will be annulled. Otherwise she’s in for disappointment if the Church doesn’t grant the annullment.
Lisa.

 

[Camp_Pueblano]

I don’t think that I can add really anything more than what you have already received from others. It sounds like you are really a good and concerned friend. the one caution that Lisa offered is a good one in that you could alienate this woman if you approach her with your beliefs that are not based on facts.

Pray, pray, pray for her…perhaps a rosary or two would be a good start as well. The Holy Spirit will provide the necessary direction and actions on the part of your friend and yourself.

God Bless

 

[Miss_Piggy]

I asked a similar question of one of the apologists. After I was divorced, I immediately applied for an annullment. Due to our archbishop being investigated by the Vatican, my case was shipped out to another state. It took two years for the case to be processed and the annullment was granted. I wasn’t very well educated (having attended CCD in the 70’s!) and assumed that I could not date while waiting for a declaration from the tribunal. Someone told me that I could date so I asked the priest. (We had a series of priests shuffled through our parish so I never got to talk to the same priest twice.) He told me I could “but to be careful”–whatever that was supposed to mean. I eventually did date and after the annullment was granted became engaged and married. Many years later, I was very distressed to learn that I should not have been dating at all! I had every intention of being faithful to whatever the Church imposed and would have honored it if only he would have had the courage to tell me the truth. **The Church assumes the marriage was valid unless and until proven otherwise by the annullment process. While you are allowed to separate and go through the civil divorce proceedings, it has no effect on your obligation to only give your affections to your spouse! **What if she becomes so involved with this man that they make plans to marry and the annullment is not granted? How difficult will it be to do the right thing and walk away? Isn’t it one of the works of mercy to instruct the ignorant? I sure would have appreciated someone telling me the truth. If you wait for her to ask for your advice, she may never find out the truth because she may not even understand there’s a possibility that her behavior is questionable. They hear of other people dating while waiting for their annullments (everyone assumes they will be declared invalid) so they don’t even suspect it may be improper. If I wouldn’t be entertaining another man when I’m happily married, then I wouldn’t do it when I’m separated and waiting for the Church’s decision. Remember, the fact that a civil court has said you are divorced is irrelevant. It’s “until death do us part” unless the tribunal declares a valid marriage never existed. If she’s keeping company with another man, whether she is refraining from sexual activity or not, she could be considered a scandal to others and not properly witnessing to the permanency of marriage. If her marriage is valid, then she and her spouse are fused as one and no one can break that bond no matter how bad they desire it. If she (properly informed) involves herself with another man, she commits a serious sin! Perhaps it would be better to risk her wrath than endanger her soul?

 

[puppylove]

I, a cradle Catholic, met my husband before I had my marriage to my first husband anulled. For that fact, I met him before my divorce was even final. I didn’t know any better. Let me tell you something about jumping out of the “hot pot” into the “burning fire”. Tell your friend that dating this man before she heals can be a big mistake because she is on the rebound. Any man might seem “great” as compared to her husband. If someone would have told me this, I probably would not have listened. As a matter of fact my boss tried to tell me it was too soon, and I got mad at him. You are caught between a rock and a hard stone. You can try speaking to her and if she gets angry, you may have to let it go or you may loose your friendship. On the contrary, it may be worth loosing the friendship to preserve her future happiness. With all that said, I’ve decided to put my faith in God and see what it brings for me. I feel very sad for your friend.

Puppy