Chickening out!

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Grimble

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Thanks first of all for putting up with me and all my truth seeker desperation! I really appreciate the comments of hope & inspiration given. For me and others to be able to do this speaks volumes and enables us to move forward in search of the our truths of the heart.

Last week:

Well, I decided to take a step forward and visit one of my local Catholic Churches. It was a saturday morning and I left home too early and parked up overlooking the Church after driving around the block about 5 times!
I waited quite a while and watched many people arrived and enter, suddenly my nerves began to kick in & take hold of my mind. It was 5 minutes to the beginning of the mass and I chickened out!
Thoughts ran through my mind of me walking in and everyone watching me, judging me. Too many people in a place I’ve never been in before, nobody of my age? I just felt uncomfortable.

It was alot easier at the abbey I visited before Christmas as it was further away and alot quiter!

For the next few days my head turned it’s back on learning about the Catholic church and I resigned to my Pagan path or so I thought. And it was a few dys after that, that again I was engulfed by St Therese in my head and I felt a deeper love!
I have St therese as a backdrop on my mobile phone and Mary, mother of god as a screensaver! Although I feel a connection with them I still lack a real connection to Jesus?!!? something missing perhaps?

I think it’s going to take me so much time to sort this all out, I just hope it doesn’t take all my life!

Thanks for reading my continuing story!

Love,Graham
 
God bless you in your journey, Graham. While you may be currently lacking a “real connection to Jesus,” it seems to me that St Therese and Our Lady are inviting you to come and experience Him. I can understand your hesitation to go to Mass; I converted from an agnostic/athiest lifestlye. Believe me when I say the last thing I wanted to do was go to church! There are a couple of things to remember when you feel called to Mass: 1) Everyone in there is a sinner, too. After all, people that aren’t sick have no need of a hospital. 2) While our old ways may be more comfortable, that doesn’t really make them right. A drug addict feels better when he’s high, but that doesn’t mean he should continue using the drugs. Point being that changes like this can be especially difficult. While they are difficult, the rewards for perservering are absolutely worth it. I’ll be praying for you and asking St Therese and Our Lady to continue to guide you home. God bless.

-CK
 
Oh Graham, take heart. Your experience, so far, sounds normal to me. It took awhile for me to feel any sort of ‘connection’ to Christ after coming to the church. Our Lady was always there though…and She pointed the way to Her Son, Our Lord. Sometimes, that feeling of distance returns. I must remind myself that it is not He who moves away, it is myself. I may be under attack from those forces I used to deal with, but Christ is still there for me. I have to make the decision to be faithful and obedient everyday. Obedience is the key here.
It is difficult going to mass those first times, without anyone you know or feel comfortable with. I went to the priest first and it helped a lot. I would suggest you do the same and explain your situation and concerns.
It is my personal belief that those of us coming out of pagan practices (especially where we may have willfully engaged in trafficking with ‘spirit guides’/demonic powers) will have a severe struggle to remain/prove ourselves faithful. Obedience does not come easily to us, does it?:ehh:
I urge you to make an appointment to speak with a priest. I will be praying for you.
 
Grimble said:
Thoughts ran through my mind of me walking in and everyone watching me, judging me. Too many people in a place I’ve never been in before, nobody of my age? I just felt uncomfortable.

It
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they won’t even notice you. the devout ones have their mind on Jesus and preparing for their time with him, the rest are still half a sleep, coping with unruly children, aching for a cigarette or coffee, or just having a bad hair day.

truly I hope you walk into a parish where you will be greeted warmly, but that depends on the local culture too, here everybody is friendly, in some northern cities, nobody acknowledges strangers. too bad that carries over to church sometimes.

In the average Catholic parish you will see people of all ages from infant to elderly, some in families or couples, many more alone, some who lead holy, exemplary lives, many more who are sinners. They will all be imperfect in some way as this is still earth, not heaven, but the Catholic Mass is as close to heaven as you can be on earth.

Welcome home! keep trying, we need you.
 
Grimble said:
Thanks first of all for putting up with me and all my truth seeker desperation! I really appreciate the comments of hope & inspiration given. For me and others to be able to do this speaks volumes and enables us to move forward in search of the our truths of the heart.

Last week:

Well, I decided to take a step forward and visit one of my local Catholic Churches. It was a saturday morning and I left home too early and parked up overlooking the Church after driving around the block about 5 times!
I waited quite a while and watched many people arrived and enter, suddenly my nerves began to kick in & take hold of my mind. It was 5 minutes to the beginning of the mass and I chickened out!
Thoughts ran through my mind of me walking in and everyone watching me, judging me. Too many people in a place I’ve never been in before, nobody of my age? I just felt uncomfortable.

It was alot easier at the abbey I visited before Christmas as it was further away and alot quiter!

For the next few days my head turned it’s back on learning about the Catholic church and I resigned to my Pagan path or so I thought. And it was a few dys after that, that again I was engulfed by St Therese in my head and I felt a deeper love!
I have St therese as a backdrop on my mobile phone and Mary, mother of god as a screensaver! Although I feel a connection with them I still lack a real connection to Jesus?!!? something missing perhaps?

I think it’s going to take me so much time to sort this all out, I just hope it doesn’t take all my life!

Thanks for reading my continuing story!

Love,Graham
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Do you not know anyone who is Catholic or even a non-Catholic who would go with you?
 
Br.Rich_SFO said:
Do you not know anyone who is Catholic or even a non-Catholic who would go with you?
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Although I know lots of people most of them are Pagans and the others are not religeous at all!
I suppose I don’t have much confidence in people and the English as a people are mostly miserable and judgmental. Well, some of them!
People here are quite in to themselves and never consider the journey of the spirit and like most of the western world aremore interested in the next flat screen TV, but that’s just my rant!

Before I introduce myself to a priest I’m going to read a little more plus I have responsibilies in helping run quite a large Pagan conference here as well as local responsibilies, this is when it gets quite complicated.

Thanks again for all the thoughts, I know I’m not crazy, well maybe a little eccentric in some departments but it’s that which the driving force behind my spirituality and being different.

With love, Graham.🙂
 
Grimble said:
I don’t have much confidence in people and the English as a people are mostly miserable and judgmental.
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bit of a sweeping statement there!!

The advice to talk with a priest before attending is sound. I was in a very similar situation to yourself. I hadnt attended any church for over 40 years and in that time had led a hedonistic lifestyle to say the least including being an active participant in all that New Age drivel - a belief in a higher power but one that doesnt impact upon your life in any way…:o

I rang the priest one evening and made an appointment to see him a week later. He was…suspicious 😃 but the following Sunday I turned up at Mass. I didnt have a clue what it was all about. In fact I nearly entered the Sacristy by mistake but eventually found the right door and ensconced myself right at the back so I could observe without being seen. I had an over powering feeling that I just didnt belong and it was all I could do not to bolt out.
That was just over a year ago and I still go to Mass, sometimes several times a week. Although I dont take Communion I still gain an incredible sense of peace and closeness to God. I’m slowly beginning to learn more about the Catholic faith and more importantly just how disordered my life had become. I cant imagine not having the Church in my life now.
It hasnt been an easy journey…I’ve had to put up with derision and scorn from people whom I had previously been close to, sometimes incredible hostility and often total bewilderment (try explaining to a woman who is coming onto you that because of your new Faith you have decided to live a chaste life 😃 ). I have incredible temptations put my way, I have often been filled with self doubt and on more than one occasion nearly turned away from the light but I keep on praying even if it feels as if I’m whistling in the wind at times.
At Easter I will be confirmed and accepted in to the Church and be able to fully participate in the Sacrament of the Eucharist.

The only advice I would give you, apart from talking to a priest is to get to Mass early and just sit there in the peace and solitude. You dont even have to pray just sit quietly.

Good luck
 
Graham,

Did the church you went to have greeters or ushers at the door? If so, purloin one, or any other parishoner standing around. Say, “Hi, I’ve never been to a mass before. I don’t know what I’m doing. Help!”

Making light of your dilemma might ease your own tension, crack the ice, and put you at ease. There’s an overwhelmingly good chance they’ll be happy and welcoming.
 
Black_Dog said:
now there’s a strange idea, peculiar perhaps to the USA? Definitely not an English concept.
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I don’t know. Both of the Catholic churches near my house have greeters who stand at the door, open it for you, and welcome you. That’s in Virginia. I’m away from home in California, and the one down the street has them, too.

But I suppose it doesn’t matter; just grab anybody. On my part, I would be delighted to help you however I could if I were the one you shanghai’ed.
 
A good friend has just lent me “The Seven Storey Mountain” by Thomas Merton which is his autobiography of his journey to God, the Catholic Church and finally to becoming a Trappist Monk. On page 113, I just read this:

"Another thing which Catholics do not realize about converts is the tremendous, agonizing embarrassment and self-conciousness which they feel about praying publicly in a Catholic Church. The effort it takes to overcome all the strange imaginary fears that everyone is looking at you, and they all think you are crazy or ridiculous, is something that costs a tremendous effort."

I wish I had read that a year ago cos it describes exactly what I went through and presumably what many others must too.
 
You have to get those ideas out of your head and just go. Just walk in the door. Nobody is judging you, I promise. At the very least, nobody worth caring about is judging you. We all go to Mass at least once a week and it is a very routine, normal part of our lives. We are never looking at each other in the pews. You would run into more of that in a Protestant church. In Mass everybody is just there to worship in reverence, and we have several Masses through Saturday evening into Sunday late afternoon (depending on the size of the parish) so people go to different Masses.

Nobody will notice you unless they are sitting very close to you, and then the only thing that they will notice is that you are not participating in the Mass. Honestly, even that is not totally out of the ordinary, because we are used to non-Catholics attending Mass with family members, etc.

What you could do is go and sit in the cry room if the Church is large enough to have one. I have seen some people come in the cry room who appear to be respectful observers, and I always guess they are thinking about converting.

If you want to blend in, we could tell you what to do. You can participate in everything except receiving the Eucharist.

I think that your experience must be typical, in that a Saint and the Blessed Mother reach down into the Pagan world to lead you out into Greater Light.
 
what you must appreciate too is that Catholicism as practised in the UK and in the States are poles apart. This very forum would not, could not nor indeed does not exist in the UK. By temperament we are much more conservative, much less inclined to open up and bare all. That doesnt mean that we are less spiritual or that our Faith is diminished in any way…just that we are different and our approach to God is possibly more of a private journey. Vive la difference!
 
This might sound strange but if you can look on the internet to find a local parish that has 24/7 Eucharistic adoration you might want to start there. It’s much more private while you get to experience the presence of Christ in the Eucharist.
 
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