Children of divorce and marriage discernment

[JCPhoenix]

I have a difficult question to ask.

Recently, I began discerning marriage. Not because there is someone on the horizon, but rather, because I have sought spiritual direction and the priest started there…discerning one’s Vocation in life. I know I am not called to religious life so don’t bring it up. Already did that part.

It’s more about, “Am I really called to Marriage and what does that mean?” in a nutshell, of course.

Here’s the deal…like most people my age, my parents were divorced. I was still raised with the idea that vows are vows, Marriage is a Sacrament, and I thank God that in spite of everything that happened to our family, Mom still managed to instill that important value. I have literally been laughed at for believing marriage is permanent and my unwillingness to “settle” for anyone who comes around and shows a little interest.

Anyway, my SD told me to read about marriage, and I have realized that I am terrified of being married. Terrified of divorce, terrified of marrying my “dad” (I love my Dad, who went home to eternity 11 1/2 years ago, but I do not want to marry anyone like him. He was not a strong father figure.), terrified of having and raising children…etc. And I think it’s time to admit that so much of my fear stems from that central element in all our lives…the family. My family is broken by more than divorce. When I go back to my SD, I need to have clear questions and I’ve realized that it needs to focus on this foundation that I don’t have.

Are there good resources out there for people such as myself? Good CATHOLIC resources? I do mean to read TOB and other things which I haven’t had a chance yet…amazing how that is suddenly quite the priority for me. Any other ideas?

Any stories of hope from people who also came from broken homes and still managed to find and live their vocation of Marriage in fidelity in spite of your trials?

I believe I am called to marriage…but until I get answers to these questions and healed of the “trauma” I have ot finally admit I suffered as a result of my background, I will not be fit for marriage to anyone, nor do I ever want to be a bunch of baggage.

Anyone?

 

[jmcrae]

I am a married woman - I was a child of divorce, and so was my husband.

I think we both have issues around security - we probably have more boundaries than most married people (I don’t let him handle my money, for example, and he doesn’t normally like to let me cook) - but we’re both in it for the long haul.

When you get married, you and your husband are going to be exploring and finding out the rules for yourselves, which actually in some ways is good, because you won’t be contrained by other people’s ideas about how marriage is supposed to work - it’ll be a tailor made solution just for you and him.

 

[gmarie21]

When I started discering if I am to be married (also terrified at times) I started by reading Proverbs 31 over and over and over and over and over, etc. again. In order to know if marriage is for me and to know if I am ready to be a wife, I look at the words of wisdom from Solomon and assess where I am. Also, 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 (to assess and reassess if the man I love and our relationship is such where I am as selfless as this passage calls for).

P.S. My parents divorced and many family members don’t have publically affectionate marriages (I even wonder if any family members that are married actually love their spouses as God has intended).

 

[Sandi]

"I think **we both have issues around security **- we probably have more boundaries than most married people (I don’t let him handle my money, for example, and he doesn’t normally like to let me cook"

Good lord – is he afraid you’re going to poison him?

 

[jmcrae]

"I think **we both have issues around security **- we probably have more boundaries than most married people (I don’t let him handle my money, for example, and he doesn’t normally like to let me cook"

Good lord – is he afraid you’re going to poison him?

No, he’s afraid I might make him eat vegetables, and he might say, "Hey, that was really good, honey, what was in it? And I would say, “I put some vegetables in it - see? You really do like vegetables!”

He’s a meat and potatoes kind of guy - literally!!

 

[1ke]

Yes, there are some books I can recommend.

Two books by Judith Wallerstein may help you, I think they are very good:

The Good Marriage
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce

She is a psychologist who followed children of divorce for 25 years, and also studied happy, successful marriages.

Secondly, I suggest these books:

Date or Soul Mate by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. This book can start to instill confidence in you that when you choose wisely and based on the right criteria you are choosing differently than your parents did.

For Better… Forever by Dr. Greg Popcak. This book is about the guts of marriage-- and how to have a good marriage.

There are other books that you should read when you are approaching marriage, to make sure you and your spouse work hard at it:

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
The Proper Care and Feeding Of Husbands by Dr. Laura

And, from the Church’s perspective:

Three To Get Married by Archbishop Fulton Sheen
Life Giving Love by Kimberly Hahn

I also highly recommend that you take the Meyers-Briggs Type Instrument (MBTI) and read the book Please Understand Me after doing so.

 

[nana3]

I have a difficult question to ask.

Recently, I began discerning marriage. Not because there is someone on the horizon, but rather, because I have sought spiritual direction and the priest started there…discerning one’s Vocation in life. I know I am not called to religious life so don’t bring it up. Already did that part.

It’s more about, “Am I really called to Marriage and what does that mean?” in a nutshell, of course.

Here’s the deal…like most people my age, my parents were divorced. I was still raised with the idea that vows are vows, Marriage is a Sacrament, and I thank God that in spite of everything that happened to our family, Mom still managed to instill that important value. I have literally been laughed at for believing marriage is permanent and my unwillingness to “settle” for anyone who comes around and shows a little interest.

Anyway, my SD told me to read about marriage, and I have realized that I am terrified of being married. Terrified of divorce, terrified of marrying my “dad” (I love my Dad, who went home to eternity 11 1/2 years ago, but I do not want to marry anyone like him. He was not a strong father figure.), terrified of having and raising children…etc. And I think it’s time to admit that so much of my fear stems from that central element in all our lives…the family. My family is broken by more than divorce. When I go back to my SD, I need to have clear questions and I’ve realized that it needs to focus on this foundation that I don’t have.

Are there good resources out there for people such as myself? Good CATHOLIC resources? I do mean to read TOB and other things which I haven’t had a chance yet…amazing how that is suddenly quite the priority for me. Any other ideas?

Any stories of hope from people who also came from broken homes and still managed to find and live their vocation of Marriage in fidelity in spite of your trials?

I believe I am called to marriage…but until I get answers to these questions and healed of the “trauma” I have ot finally admit I suffered as a result of my background, I will not be fit for marriage to anyone, nor do I ever want to be a bunch of baggage.

Anyone?

I think it is very commendable that you realize you have issues to work on before marriage. My husband’s parents divorced when he was 14 years old and had a horrible childhood by a dysfunctional family. He brought all this into the marriage. I did not know he had a traumatic childhood, but only knew of the divorce. It has been a struggle. He had to deal with all this before marriage, but did not. I think our marriage would be happier if he had.

I will say that I was not terrified of marriage but of sex, for my mom’s view on the topic is horrible. I am one of five sisters and all of us grew up with a terrible view of sex and how horrible it was. I knew I wanted to get married, but did not feel it would be right for me to enter any marriage with this distorted view of sex. I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me about sex, for I didn’t ask no one. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me with this fear of sex. I was 29 years old and a virgin and was going be stay one until marriage. I had no boyfriends and didn’t know for sure if I would find a man to marry. I didn’t go out much. So at this age, I went to the Franciscan University of Steubenville in Ohio. I was there only one semester before I had to quit for physical reasons. I was so surprised how the Holy Spirit used a very holy priest there to teach me about sex and its meaning. He described sex in such a beautiful way that my fears were completely gone by the end of this semester. Imagine, learning this from a priest. He used Scripture and his knowledge of Church teachings and my fears were soon gone. The Holy Spirit will help you also. Ask and wait for the response and do whatever you need to help you become a good and holy spouse someday.

I hope this helps. By the way, I didn’t get married until the age of 33.

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

Like Nana said, it’s a very good sign that you have such a high level of self-awareness. It’s wonderful that you understand the basics of Catholic marriage already, and even more wonderful that you wish to learn more.

I’ve heard great things about John Gottman’s books, though I haven’t read them myself. This is the researcher who can predict with 91% accuracy whether or not a couple will eventually divorce, just by listening to them converse for 5 minutes! His most lauded book is Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. This is not from a Catholic perspective, but we can still learn from it.

Love and Responsibility by Pope John Paul the Great (back when he was still Karol Wojtyla) is also a really helpful book. It is not light reading though. Anything by him on marriage is really lovely.

You’re starting to look into the subject at a great time and place–before you have even met that special “someone”! That already shows unbelievable emotional maturity. It sounds like you already have an awesome foundation to work upon.

 

[LittleRose]

Imagine, learning this from a priest. He used Scripture and his knowledge of Church teachings and my fears were soon gone.

And people claim that celibate priests can’t teach us anything useful about sex and marriage. HA!

Anyway, JCPhoenix, good for you trying to discern instead of just blindly jumping in like so many people do. Probably the most important part of making a marriage work is for both spouses to be willing to do God’s will in their marriage. It’s easier to submit to each other if you are already willing to submit to God. Keep trying to grow in Christ, and if He has marriage planned for you, when the time comes, you’ll make somebody very happy!