Children, Screen Time, and Gaming Wars

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blackforest

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I’m seeking both practical/secular-ish advice as well as information, if any, on how the Catholic faith can inform me on this issue.

I have three children. Based on doctor’s recommendation - with which I completely agree - I limit the time they can spend on video games to weekends. They each get an hour per day on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It’s a royal pain coming up with a fair way to do divvy out their turns over one PC. (We have a poorly functioning tablet that doesn’t generate much interest, and my husband and I are resolved not to own Smartphones). It involves a complex system of them coming to an agreement on who goes first, who can stay in the room while one of them plays on screen, etc.

Then we have to deal with the Changing of the Guard - the timer going off, the screaming and shouting, the frantic pleas of “BUT I NEED TO FINISH MY GAME!!!” The melt-downs over this have been a horrendous nightmare of kids throwing things and hitting each other. Every. Single. Weekend.

I’ve been reading Glow Kids, and the more I learn, the more concerned I am. I am alarmed by the intense dopamine stimulation from video games. Also, it turns out that video game manufacturers most deliberately design games to have no stopping point - there’s always another level, another “upgrade,” another “world” to enter, etc.

Most mainstream parenting articles advise you not to be a Luddite and let your kids have the technology, but with limits. There’s supposed to be some magical “middle ground.”

But it seems that if you don’t ban video games completely, you set yourself up for either abrupt cut-off and meltdowns or unfettered gaming addiction.

I am very, very tempted to remove gaming from my home. It will then become a special-occasion thing that they do at the library or other friends’ homes.

If you are a parent and have direct experience with this issue, how have you handled it in your home? How, if at all, as your faith informed how you approach this issue?
 
blackforest said:
If you are a parent and have direct experience with this issue, how have you handled it in your home?
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We got each kid a tablet. We control the content of the tablet and the time they spend on it. The games are relatively inexpensive to buy, and can be downloaded to each tablet while only being purchased once. They can also be helpful for reading and school research.

I understand your concerns, we have them also. But we thought that it would be best to give an example of responsible usage rather than to have a boogie man approach.
 
You are right about what you say, games are designed to be addictive. Talking form experience, the thing isn’t the games - but what your kids do instead of gaming!!! You have 3 children and they play with each other and spend time with family and friends? Well, then they aren’t missing out on anything, and they’ll tend to have good social skills and be balanced. Kids sinking into gaming will at a latter time realize they lost an important part of their youth with unreal “make-believe” games…And all the agreement that goes into sharing the same computer is a valuable lesson for them on sharing, agreeing, and being tolerant. Beautiful…

I’ll say this however: As with all vices, the vice will be there in the future - as addicting as always, only your kids will be more mature to handle that temptation. The kids I saw going to college that didn’t have cable TV, for example, ended up staying night after night in front of the TV - as if, catching up on what they had lost. But, altogether, they were better off -at that age- than the kids who had acquired “junk culture” over their youth. So they will “catch up” eventually, but the bottom line is: it’ll be better at that time…

If your kids do sports, read books, and have a social life; they will thank you for it latter - have no doubt about that!
 
I filled that time with things that were more fun than video games. Skating at the rolller rink, bowling, biking, playing tennis, and dinner out were just a few family things we would do on the weekends. Even more fun when we invited friends to join us. Too tired for video games when we finally got home.
 
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My kids are 4 and 2 and are too young for video games. I’m reluctant to introduce them at this time, but I suspect it’s an issue we’ll have to deal with at some point. If they were to behave the way the OP is describing when told to put the game down, I would probably not allow them to have the game. I would take away any toy if the child became rude and disrespectful when it was time to put the toy away. I would probably wait a few days and give them another chance, but if this was a recurring problem even after a consequence, I think I would be less apt to pass the games out again.
 
they throw things at each other and hit each other? that would do it for me. i’d ban them from even touching that PC until they learn that you don’t behave like that, especially about a game.
 
I’m too laidback to care but I learned a lot about socializing & teamwork with smart people. I’ve met some brilliant players & they went to make good money playing in the tournaments.

I’m fortunate enough to have my parents allowing me to be myself instead of being a hermit with no shell.
 
StJoseph8 said:
they throw things at each other and hit each other? that would do it for me. i’d ban them from even touching that PC until they learn that you don’t behave like that, especially about a game.
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First of all, they need to learn the age old maxim: If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

They need to realize that they are not going to be allowed to have any hobbies that make them unpleasant to be around. Period. I would also tell them that if they can come up with a peaceful way to negotiate their time, fine. If not, they get my rules. I would guarantee them that they will all like my rules less than the terms their brother is going to offer. Whatever law you lay down, though, you have to follow through on it for every child, every time. (Mulligans are carte blanche to be insufferable…just once.)

I don’t know if anyone remembers the tennis great Bjorn Borg, but he once threw a tantrum on the court as a 14-year old that prompted his parents to tell him that they’d make him give up the sport if he couldn’t control himself better. He was a rising star even then, but they took his racket away when he couldn’t control himself, and when a few days didn’t do the trick they upped the time.

I’d suggest, however–this is to the OP–that you give your children a warning buzzer when their time is drawing to a close. They “get” 50 mintues, but there with a warning there will be 10 minutes extra to play a game that has to end when the buzzer sounds. If they throw a fit, there will be a natural consequence. That might be losing that last 10 mintues the next time and then if they lose their composure when that happens, the next time they lose the whole hour.

With our kids, we had the rule that “you don’t need video games; you have a brother to play with.” That stuck until about 7th grade, I suppose. Even then, they’d rather play outdoors than play video games, but that is their temperament and always has been.
 
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This is helpful, thanks. I forgot to mention that I have used the warnings. I’m also constantly leveraging screen time and losing track with three of them - you lose a half hour here, you earn one there, etc. It gets exhausting!

What I’m seeing, frankly, is addictive behavior. It’s like denying a Coca Cola to a young child who drinks a lot of it. There’s scientific research to confirm that this is happening. I started Glow Kids and set it aside to read something else, but I’ve resolved to finish reading it. The does mention that if a bunch of us were to snort a line of cocaine, (sorry for the hypothetical example - not very CAF-friendly, lol!), not everyone would turn into an addict. Some people are wired, i.e. predisposed, to certain addictions. Anyway, nothing else makes my kids behave this way. It’s almost frightening to watch.

I suppose that it can’t hurt to call a moratorium on gaming until I figure out what to do, pray, chat with my husband, etc. In the meantime, I could allow less stimulating, educational games. I homeschool, after all, and do incorporate limited technology.
 
Hm, I don’t think they’ll “realize they lost an important part of their youth with unreal make believe games” anymore than they’ll realize they lost an important part of their youth with unreal make believe books.
 
If you reach the conclusion that video games make even one of your children into someone you don’t like to be around, ban them at least for a year. If you had an alcoholic in the house, you know what you’d do, and it wouldn’t be regular binge-drinking by those who could “handle it.”

You can also take the stance that any “thing” or even any person that is “important” enough to be a reason to treat another person but especially a family member badly is not welcome in your home. You set the priorities, and that is a big one.

I’d say they have had their chances and they have collectively blown it.
 
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I agree although I think you should warn them that if they keep doing this there will be serious consequences. I’m trying to think what my Dad would do because we were homeschooled (my sisters still are) and we could only play video games on weekends too. If there was fighting, I think my Dad would warn us. And we kept doing it he would turn it all off for that weekend and none next weekend.

Then, after those punishments he would allow us back on. If fighting happened again there would be worse punishments. And as the punishments got severer the kiddos would see the light and understand if they want the nice, shiny gaming time, they need to whip into the shape.

So something stronger than what you have been doing but not taking it away all at once (which could make you look dictatorial if you give no warnings).

Just some thoughts. Good luck with whatever you do!
 
As a gamer, and now a parent myself, this is difficult to say. I do not know what kind of games they are playing but some games you cannot just pause and save. That being said they shouldn’t be having a meltdown. I don’t really know what advice to give you but you got to do what you think is best.
 
Mavzylor said:
Hm, I don’t think they’ll “realize they lost an important part of their youth with unreal make believe games” anymore than they’ll realize they lost an important part of their youth with unreal make believe books.
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Depends on the books 🙂

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
 
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blackforest said:
Thanks for the reply. Are meltdowns a factor for you when game time is over? If so, how do you respond?
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The rules generally don’t change, so they know what to expect. That prevents meltdowns. That being said, the youngest is getting to old for meltdowns anyway. Also, they can use their tablets daily, not just on the weekends like your kids. When they were younger the meltdowns were more common.

When they used to have meltdowns more often it was related to either having to share the PC/video game, or being frustrated with a game, or having to stop playing. Just like anything else we would try to work with them to help them solve the problem, and if that didn’t work we would turn it off. But that was a last resort. I would prefer them to work through whatever problem there was.
blackforest said:
Anyway, nothing else makes my kids behave this way. It’s almost frightening to watch.
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We saw this too sometimes. It may be helpful for them to be around other kids who can behave when they play these games so they can see a good example. They also may be less likely to have a meltdown in front of their peers.

You could also play the games with them sometimes, and they can see by your example how to react to certain situations.
 
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There are games you can’t just pause and save but if that leads to screaming at your family you need to change games.
A game you can’t suspend within 60 seconds isn’t a good choice for this family.
 
blackforest said:
The melt-downs over this have been a horrendous nightmare of kids throwing things and hitting each other. Every. Single. Weekend.
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That is a sign that they need to take a break from electronic games, isn’t it? There are many alternatives. Simpler games, reading, wholesome videos. “Meltdowns” that involve screaming should simply not be allowed.
 
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