Chores in the Home

[Allegra]

Thanks so much for your very thoughtful comments. The way things are now, each child ia assigned to a specific task - for example: one child clears the table, puts away leftovers and washes the table; another loads the dishewasher; another takes out the trash and washes counters; and the other child set the table (and often helped w/ the meal ) and is free after dinner. We have a circular chart, so each child does each job for a week, once a month.

One of the goals we have about chores is helping the kids to develop follow-through and taking satisfaction in a job well done, but the after-dinner time almost always turns into a time of great frustration and hurt feelings. I hoped that in being so specific about what was expected, that they would know what needed to do, do the work, and move on. Our olders three children are 13, 14, and 16 - it doesn’t seem that much to me. We’d hoped my husband and I could catch up on our day after dinner while the kids clean-up, but it rarely works out that way. Then he looses his temper and calls the kids back in the kitchen who are done with their chores, and insists that “no one’s done until the job is done.” He’s a wonderful husband and father, but this is extremely frustrating.

Ohhhhhhh…teenagers. (yuck) The thing with teens is they tend to like to get into power struggles. They often like to see how far they can go with the arguing and procrastinating and hopefully someone else will cave in to keep the peace. I have come to the conclusion that trying to reason with a teen is similar to trying to reason with a toddler. As soon as you get into a discussion, you’ve already lost.

I think the best way to proceed is to agree with a consistant plan with your husband, even if it means that you have to give in and do it his way. The inconsistancy between your expectations might be fueling the kids frustration. I would agree on a procedure with your husband, explain the expectations to the kids, apologize for the frustration, and explain what the consequence will be if each kid doesn’t do his or her task. Then I would take my coffee and my husband and head into the living room to relax and give them time to complete the tasks. If the tasks are not completed properly, give the consequence. Don’t let them trap you or your husband into an argument about it.

Another option would be to offer a reward (bribe). For example, give each kid a specific task for the whole week. Any kid that does their task everyday without arguing gets (fill in the blank with whatever your kids like). My parents gave us spending money at the end of the week in our chores were all done. Sometimes they would give us extra money if there was extra work to do that week. (extensive landscaping, babysitting, putting in a hardwood floor, etc.) Alot of people don’t like giving their kids money for doing their part in the household, and I can totally see their point, but bribary does work for alot of kids. I was amazed to find that a 13 year old girl would do almost anything for a high quality sticker. I wish someone would have told me about that my first day teaching!

 

[speakinlove]

Thanks to everyone for your very helpful ideas and perspective.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Thanks so much for your very thoughtful comments. The way things are now, each child ia assigned to a specific task - for example: one child clears the table, puts away leftovers and washes the table; another loads the dishewasher; another takes out the trash and washes counters; and the other child set the table (and often helped w/ the meal ) and is free after dinner. We have a circular chart, so each child does each job for a week, once a month.

One of the goals we have about chores is helping the kids to develop follow-through and taking satisfaction in a job well done, but the after-dinner time almost always turns into a time of great frustration and hurt feelings. I hoped that in being so specific about what was expected, that they would know what needed to do, do the work, and move on. Our olders three children are 13, 14, and 16 - it doesn’t seem that much to me. We’d hoped my husband and I could catch up on our day after dinner while the kids clean-up, but it rarely works out that way. Then he looses his temper and calls the kids back in the kitchen who are done with their chores, and insists that “no one’s done until the job is done.” He’s a wonderful husband and father, but this is extremely frustrating.

We have a similar system. I designed our chore chart and I think it’s generally “fair” yet I understand your husband’s frustrations. The clanging and crashing of dishes seems never-ending in the next room while trying to hold an adult conversation with my husband at the end of the day. One of my children takes f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to do what I could have done in under ten minutes!!! He also happens to make a lot of noise while doing dishes.

That brings up something else… Background noise like dishes clanging and water running can be more than just frustrating for some people. Sometimes it prevents a person’s hearing and understanding of what they’d like to hear, effectively making that person functionally deaf until the background noise is finished. You might want to watch to see if there are any other signs that your dh is having a hard time hearing in situations with background noise. I could be way off, and we’re not suppose to give medical advice, so I’ll just leave it at that.

Since it’s the after dinner clean up that particularly bothers your dh, why not simply re-design your chore chart so that everyone is on kitchen clean up, and assign other chores to children individually to do at other times. There’s more than one way to assign clean up chores after dinner.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I tend to agree with you over your husband. For the kids who are lagging, seeing their siblings having free time should be a good motivator for them to get their work done quickly. Otherwise, there is no motivation - may as well slack until the other siblings show up and finish the job for you.

Agreed. There is a good opportunity to teach personal responsibility here. Just make sure the chores are doable, fair, and age appropriate.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks so much for your very thoughtful comments. The way things are now, each child ia assigned to a specific task - for example: one child clears the table, puts away leftovers and washes the table; another loads the dishewasher; another takes out the trash and washes counters; and the other child set the table (and often helped w/ the meal ) and is free after dinner. We have a circular chart, so each child does each job for a week, once a month.

One of the goals we have about chores is helping the kids to develop follow-through and taking satisfaction in a job well done, but the after-dinner time almost always turns into a time of great frustration and hurt feelings. I hoped that in being so specific about what was expected, that they would know what needed to do, do the work, and move on. Our olders three children are 13, 14, and 16 - it doesn’t seem that much to me. We’d hoped my husband and I could catch up on our day after dinner while the kids clean-up, but it rarely works out that way. Then he looses his temper and calls the kids back in the kitchen who are done with their chores, and insists that “no one’s done until the job is done.” He’s a wonderful husband and father, but this is extremely frustrating.

Put a door between the kitchen and the other rooms. Make it a solid door.