Chronic Illness Chronic Life Change

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When I was a teen, I learned that I had PCOS and that I would likely struggle to get pregnant. My doctors rutienly told me the earlier I tried for a family the better.

I met my husband in High School. I was always honest with him about my fertility problems. We went through college together and married at 22. My goal was to have a family early.

It never really happened for us, we also never really got extra fertility help. We struggled financially for a while because of the recession…

When things started to turn around for us, I suddenly became very ill. It started with trips to the oncologist for high platelets. High platelets turned into Rheumatic Disease at age 25. For the first 1.5 years I chose very conservative treatments, but then at 28 I fell very ill.

I suffered kidney failure, septic shock, and rhabdo twice in a 45 day period of time. I went through 6 surgeries in 90 days. Ultimately I ended up with chronic inflammatory muscle disease… and I will be needing more surgery soon to deal with more kidney issues.

By 30 I had to make the difficult decision to treat my Rheumatic Disease with more serious medications, preventing me from the slightest ability to conceive.

Now… our friends have finally cought up to us in the marriage department and they’re all starting to have families. I feel left out, for certain- but my body has failed me and my marriage. I truly do not feel I have the strength to take care of a child (even if I were to adopt) and I know my husband does not desire to take on all of that responsibility (including caring for me) alone.

I’m so worried about him. We both set out with l
so many life plans when we were younger. You plan, God laughs. I feel so sad for him… I feel like I’ve failed him. I feel like he is missing out on an amazing adventure because I got sick. I see him look at our friends children and I feel so empty like I’ve robbed him of fatherhood.

He never makes me feel guilty- he’s an excellent husband and we have made my care/medication choices together… but out of necessity to keep me alive… it’s just a hard place to be.

I’m just looking for strength from other women who have been through this type of ordeal.
 
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You’ve had a big cross to bare and It is easy to see you have a big heart and love your husband, but what your not seeing is that your husband loves you for who you are and will merit many graces from God to continue loving you. Never loose focus of God and trust him even when it is hard too, remember we all carry crosses if we Love Christ and it is part of life, but we should never fall to hopelessness or fear. We lost three children during pregnancy and we would dearly love to have them but we don’t so we have to focus on what we have and give thanks for our lives and what is good in them.
Take strength in the resurrection of Jesus and know that this life is short and the next you will be perfect in every way.
I hope and pray that Jesus and Mary will hold you and comfort you and we will talk in person when I see you in Heaven.
 
We all marry “in sickness and in health” and we know that should our spouse get sick, we can’t just up and leave. We have to stay and help them. And if we really love that person, we would want to do that anyway, even though it’s a burden and not fun and gets in the way of life’s plans.

My dad had one serious illness after another. My mother coped with it. It wasn’t fun for her and I saw her break down crying more than once but she hung in there.

Have you talked to your husband about what you wrote here? It sounds like he loves you very much and is acting like God wants a good husband to act in this situation. He may be earning his place in heaven through this. You need to trust in God and not beat yourself up for something beyond your control.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
He may be earning his place in heaven through this.
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This is wisdom right here, folks.

You haven’t robbed your husband. This is what he promised to do: to love you and take care of you the best he can no matter what life brings. You’ve given him the opportunity to rise to the occasion in a truly Christian way.
 
Thank you for your kind words- I really appreciate you sharing your struggles- and I will pray for you and your families as well.

I have certainly been struggeling in my relationship with God, but I’m not sure I fully understand why. I guess I go through different steps of grief- in grieving myself and the things I have lost… like abilities and dreams for the suture… and in that I hit anger… but in other ways my faith has been strengthened. I’ve never lost my belief…

I’ve really worked hard to drown myself in my work to avoid these sorrows… perhaps I need to spend more time in adoration…
 
Wife123 said:
I feel like I’ve failed him. I feel like he is missing out on an amazing adventure because I got sick.
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I have felt this a lot recently myself. Especially now that I am often too tired to want to even go out to eat with him and so we’ve eaten a lot of takeout (which he goes out to get, of course). Sometimes I feel like the most I am offering is a happy greeting when he gets home and an absence of nagging when he lies around a lot on the couch.

My husband doesn’t make me feel guilty about it either, and I am always amazed anew at the lack of recriminations. I really feel like he got a bad deal in me. But then, I know he feels like I’m the one who got the bad deal (in him). We’re quite the pair that way. 😜
 
I also have PCOS. My husband was with me when I was diagnosed (we weren’t married yet). Not only did he take me out to dinner that night to cheer me up, he also told me that he wasn’t planning on using me as a baby machine, and it didn’t bother him. That said, he does have a daughter from a previous marriage who lives with us half-time, so he is already a dad. (Marriage was declared invalid and we are sacramentally married.) He is an incredible man and I am so very grateful to have him and my beautiful stepdaughter in my life. We are open to having more children (I’m only 34) but it hasn’t happened yet. We are prayerfully considering NaPro Technology.

Your husband came into this marriage knowing that there was a possibility it would not produce children. That’s a reality with PCOS. You didn’t hide it from him or spring it on him at a later date. He chose to marry you anyway, just as my husband did.

Not all marriages will produce children. Couples who can’t have children are called to unite themselves to the Lord’s cross and find other ways to make their marriage fruitful.
 
Prayers.

I might suggest a couple books? As a woman with chronic illness who is married to a man with sudden onset critical heart conditions, these have helped me.

Fr Phillipe’s “Searching For and Maintaining Peace”

Houselander’s “The Reed of God”

Fr Groeschell’s “Tears of God”
 
We all struggle and it is good that your faith remains that shows Gods grace is on you when you have some time I recommend watching this as it will give you strength in the assurance that this is only the start of eternity it gets better when your in your new body.

 
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re carrying a heavy cross.

But please please please — if your DH isn’t resentful or taking it out on you about not having any kids, please don’t beat yourself up about it or start imagining things.

That will only add to your pain.

Rejoice in having a good man who stands by you.
You’re allowed to take joy in the positive aspects of your life .

:pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2: for you
 
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