Church Ensemble Issue

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Future_Catechum

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My Church ensemble was all women. Now the director put a male next to me (I’m a female) and refuses to change his placement, even though I have requested it. Things are more complicated: they all speak Spanish except for me. I have a husband. We are married by the state and live as brother and sister.

I used to rehearse with this person and the other members at his house and the leader’s house. I was friendly towards the person in a platonic way. The person is a recent widower.

I don’t have a wedding ring. Perhaps I could buy a ring to look like a wedding rehearsal ring. I. could also wear a chapel veil and a crucifix. The idea is to discourage this person.

I was comfortable with the ensemble until he returned.

Should I try to resign from the ensemble? I worry that my proximity to this person constitutes a near occasion of sin
for me.

The priests and the women like my performing with them.

It is a very uncomfortable situation. I am sorry if I will have to disappoint the priests and the other women.

I would like some opinions about this possible near occasion of sin
Thank you!
 
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Get a wedding ring and wear it. It’s the universal symbol that you are not available for dating or anything else.
 
I’m not understanding how standing next to a single man to sing or play music is a “near occasion of sin”.

Are you attracted to this man?
Has he shown signs of being attracted to you, either in the past or now?
Does he behave inappropriately towards you when he stands near you, such as trying to put his arm around you or touch you? If so, tell him to stop and if he keeps it up report him to the priest.
Is your husband jealous when he sees you around other men, or around other single men?

Regardless of the answer to the above, if you are married then it’s best to wear a wedding ring, unless you have some physical reason you can’t wear one. I know some people have skin conditions. Some other people work in jobs where it’s dangerous or impractical to wear a ring, although they can still put one on when they’re not working. Wearing the ring saves you the trouble of having to explain to men that you are not available.
 
I was friendly with the person. The person, being a widower, misses his wife, and is probably wishing for someone to replace her.

My husband is a non practicing Catholic ( the only time he’s been to church recently was in 2012, when I had my baptism into the Catholic Church). So I always attend Church alone.

The organizer of the ensemble was not responsive to my request that he be moved away from me during performances in the Church.

This congregation has a usage of people giving each other a “holy kiss” during the “sign of peace”. This was fine with me when the ensemble was all women. It’s not acceptable to me to engage in this behavior with a man, although it seems not to be a problem for the daughter of the ensemble director. The daughter is separated from her husband.
 
Future_Catechum said:
It’s not acceptable to me to engage in this behavior with a man
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Can’t you just shake his hand during the sign of peace? Honestly, if the man starts being to familiar with you, or you think he might ask you out, couldn’t you just tell him you are married? If I recall my Spanish correctly, the phrase is, “Estoy Casado”(I’m married).
 
Future_Catechum said:
The idea is to discourage this person.
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What is he doing that you need to discourage? It sounds like he is just standing next to you.

Could it be that you are reading into things and he is not the least interested in you?

Yes, get a wedding band, you are married civilly. It’s not a secret.
 
Estoy casada . . . with an “a” because she’s female. 🙂
Future_Catechum said:
We are married by the state and live as brother and sister.
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I don’t understand. He never gave you a ring, and your marriage is celibate? You’re not married in the Church?
Future_Catechum said:
The person, being a widower, misses his wife, and is probably wishing for someone to replace her.
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Has he made a pass at you or flirted with you?
 
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Has this man been friendly or has he asked you out on a date? Have one of the bilingual members simply ask him if he is interested in dating you.

If the answer is YES, then have the same person translate for you “I am involved with someone, and we will be married in the Church soon”.

It is not sin to stand by a person of the opposite gender and sing.
 
Then buy one yourself. My husband and I were too poor when we married, years later I simply got a small platinum band at a pawn shop. Stainless steel bands are very inexpensive.

Get an inexpensive engagement ring, as you will later be married in the Church.
 
Future_Catechum said:
I worry that my proximity to this person constitutes a near occasion of sin
for me.
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A near occasion of sin for you? The only way that this is an occasion of sin of any kind for you is if standing next to a man in your church choir is causing you to think about having some kind of physical intimacy with him, which it seems that you are not. Unless you find him irresistibly attractive, I don’t see what the problem is. If he is behaving inappropriately toward you (and there is no real evidence that he is, to be honest), you need to bring it up with him and say, “Hey, sorry, but that’s not welcome, I am a married woman and I am not interested in you.” But it doesn’t even sound like he is coming onto you or anything at all anyway.
Future_Catechum said:
This congregation has a usage of people giving each other a “holy kiss” during the “sign of peace”. This was fine with me when the ensemble was all women. It’s not acceptable to me to engage in this behavior with a man, although it seems not to be a problem for the daughter of the ensemble director. The daughter is separated from her husband.
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The idea of kissing people during the peace is not, as I understand it, forbidden, but it is certainly unusual. The important thing to remember is that it is not intended to be an erotic gesture by any means! Kissing on the cheek or the hand is a common gesture of affection and sometimes deference in many cultures and is done by relatives, friends, coworkers, and even strangers. In Europe kissing on the cheek is a standard greeting almost everywhere except the UK, Ireland, Germany, and Scandinavia (although when I lived in England I found that upper middle-class people often kissed on the cheek as they liked to imitate the customs of France and Italy, which they would consider quite sophisticated). That said, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t do it. You can preempt the kiss of peace by grasping his hand firmly and saying “peace be with you”. He will almost certainly get the message.
 
My marriage has been very turbulent. My husband lost his job in 2009. Since yesterday then, his personality has changed. He only leaves the house to walk the dog, and throw out the trash. The marriage has been a celibate one since he lost
his job in 2009. It’s been quite difficult. I have the Church, my cello, my daughter, and my dog to comfort me.

It’s not about wedding rings or chapel veils or wearing rosaries for me. It’s about avoiding near occasions of sin. It is a temptation for me since it’s not a normal marriage, (no marital intimacy) nor one that was consecrated in the Church. We live as brother and sister. We married in 1987. I entered the Catholic Church in 2012. I had to go through the RCIA program. It was completely my own decision.
 
Future_Catechum said:
The person, being a widower, misses his wife, and is probably wishing for someone to replace her.
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This is a big assumption unless the widower has told you that or made a romantic gesture towards you. There are plenty of widows and widowers who are not in a hurry to “replace” their deceased spouse. And even if this one was seeking a new wife, he might have other ladies he’s interested in or even dating.
It is a temptation for me since it’s not a normal marriage, (no marital intimacy) nor one that was consecrated in the Church.
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All right, this sounds more logical.
I think since the leader of the ensemble doesn’t want to move you, this might be a good time for you to deal with how to resist temptation, because this is probably not the only time you’re going to have to be around a man you find attractive and control your personal thoughts and desires.
 
I did that, but no, he didn’t get the message. He looked at me as though he wanted something more.
The director was not willing to have him stand next to her daughter or other location.

The upshot of this is that yesterday, I told them I was resigning from the ensemble. I practice chastity, because I know that is God’s will for us, regardless of our life situation. That’s not celibacy, it’s just obeying the sixth and ninth commandments: 6. You shall not commit adultery (includes forbidding fornication), and 9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife ( includes the practice of chastity for everyone).
 
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