Co-habiting before marriage

[Mt19_26]

kage_ar:

Here is my suggestion. Father Joe meets with the couple for prep, and they are setting the schedule for the wedding:

Bride to Be “We will have the rehersal on Friday at 7”

Fr. Joe “Okay”

B2B “And the Wedding Mass on Saturday at 3 PM”

Fr. Joe - “Great, and I will schedule the Catholic members of the wedding party for confession beginning at 1 PM.”

B2B “Great, we will be here.”

At my brother’s wedding last week they had Mass and Benediction after the rehersal. During the rehersal the priest told everybody that he’ll be hearing confessions for a half hour before Mass. Quite a few people went to confession.

 

[Cathy1970]

I just wanted to share my story about co-habitating before marriage. This was something I felt I’d never do and it’s not my place to judge my friends. As circumstances snowballed, I was put in a situation of living with my fiancee. We’d been intimate before this and I was always uncomfortable with it but never voiced my concerns to Eddie. After much prayer and talking with my priest I explained my feelings to Eddie and he was great. Due to financial and health problems, I chose to move in with Eddie last June. We have not been intimate or even shared a bed (we have separate bedrooms) since then. I would still urge couples to NOT live together as you can be faced with issues that would be better for after marriage. We have been very open with our family and friends about our situation. Most of them assume we are sexually active and are surprised when we set them straight. We will marry on October 28 and I am happy to say our relationship is stronger because of the limitations we’ve put on ourselves. We’ve worked with our priest and a mentor couple from Church to atone for the mistakes of our past.

 

[bear06]

Mt19:26:

If Canon Law prohibits denying couples marriage who cohabitate it’s unfortunate and sadly it must be followed. Cohabitation is such a grave offense against the Sacrament of Matrimony that I can’t seem to understand why the Church would allow two people to marry when they can’t see the problem with it. I would hope that it’s eventually changed. Do you or anyone here know what the Eastern Rite and/or Eastern Orthodox do in situations where a couple wants to get married but refuses to stop cohabitating?

Canon Law doesn’t deny cohabitating couples marriage. It’s not that the Church doesn’t have a problem with it. It is that the Church doesn’t presume people to be sinning. Even if these people went to confession and said that they had fornicated, the Church would have to give them the benifit of the doubt that they will not be doing this again.

I do have a priest friend who won’t marry couples unless they have been living in separate residences for 6 months. When our bishop told him he could not canonically deny the sacrament, he said not to consider him a denyer (sp?) but a delayer. How about this approach Deacon Ed?

Even if the couple did separate, they’d probably still be fornicating. Argh! The good news is that we’ve had a lot of our marriage prep couples separate after explaining to them the joy of doing so.

 

[Deacon_Ed]

bear06:

I do have a priest friend who won’t marry couples unless they have been living in separate residences for 6 months. When our bishop told him he could not canonically deny the sacrament, he said not to consider him a denyer (sp?) but a delayer. How about this approach Deacon Ed?

Such an approach is certainly in keeping with the basic understanding of the call to chastity that we are all supposed to be following. Unfortunately it is not an option that is present under canon law! It may also be something that, frankly, is not always logistically possible both from a financial standpoint and from an availability issue. My approach is to ask the couple to refrain from intercourse during the time of preparation for the marriage so as to create a real honeymoon effect. But is up to the couple to comply…

Deacon Ed

 

[StephanieC]

Deacon Ed:

Such an approach is certainly in keeping with the basic understanding of the call to chastity that we are all supposed to be following. Unfortunately it is not an option that is present under canon law! It may also be something that, frankly, is not always logistically possible both from a financial standpoint and from an availability issue. My approach is to ask the couple to refrain from intercourse during the time of preparation for the marriage so as to create a real honeymoon effect. But is up to the couple to comply…

Deacon Ed

Could you please clarify these points?

 

[Kielbasi]

that, frankly, is not always logistically possible both from a financial standpoint and from an availability issue.Could you please clarify these points?

What he’s saying is that finding a short term rental is too expensive for many young people, and not always even possible depending on the market.

 

[Deacon_Ed]

Kielbasi:

What he’s saying is that finding a short term rental is too expensive for many young people, and not always even possible depending on the market.

Kielbasi,

Precisely. Thanks for replying for me…

Deacon Ed

 

[StephanieC]

This thread has been eating at me since I first piped up & posted a few days ago. I’ve been hoping I could prove Deacon Ed wrong. So I went on a fact-finding mission.

The US Conference of Catholic Bishops issued a document in 1999 called “Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Couples.” The particular issue of “denial” or “delay” is addressed. It’s in Part Two, Point #5 (scroll down about 2/3 of the way).

usccb.org/laity/marriage/cohabiting.shtml

So, it appears that our Deacon Ed is in line with the US Catholic Bishops’ approach.

But that doesn’t make it right, now, does it*?! :nope: *

 

[Deacon_Ed]

StephanieC:

This thread has been eating at me since I first piped up & posted a few days ago. I’ve been hoping I could prove Deacon Ed wrong. So I went on a fact-finding mission.

The US Conference of Catholic Bishops issued a document in 1999 called “Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Couples.” The particular issue of “denial” or “delay” is addressed. It’s in Part Two, Point #5 (scroll down about 2/3 of the way).

usccb.org/laity/marriage/cohabiting.shtml

So, it appears that our Deacon Ed is in line with the US Catholic Bishops’ approach.

But that doesn’t make it right, now, does it*?! :nope: *

Stephaine,

Right? As Jesus was so often seen doing – we work with people where they are. If they are living together then something failed in their religious education process as children – or they made the conscious decision to ignore it. In either case, the Church is not here to punish but to carry out the salvific mission of Jesus on earth.

But, thanks for acknowledging that what I have been saying is what the bishops are telling us to do… Wouldn’t it be awful if I were a disobedient deacon and choose to do whatever I wanted?

Deacon Ed

 

[puzzleannie]

TX_Michele:

My question is, what is the church’s policy now with regards to co-habitation prior to marriage?

If by cohabiting you mean what the culture generally means, living together with economics as an excuse, but convenient sex as the real reason: It is a mortal sin, everybody that has spent more than 5 minutes being instructed on anything in the Catholic Church knows it is a sin, there is no mystery and never has been about Catholic teaching on fornication, adultery, contraception, infidelity, homosexual activity or any other ramification of misuse of our sexual gifts. This topic is covered in every marriage preparation program I ever heard of. Most of the participants in these programs choose to ignore what they don’t want to hear. A couple who has been cohabiting, who attempts to marry in the Catholic Church without changing that behavior, confessing it and obtaining absolution, does not obtain the benefits of the sacrament until they take those steps. If they enter marriage in this sinful condition, they will pay the natural consequences of sin–separation from Christ’s sanctifying grace and all the blessings and assistance He wishes to shower upon them. Any priest, deacon, sponsor couple, Engaged Encounter facilitator who tells them otherwise is themselves guilty of the grave sin of deceiving the faithful and bears part of the guilt for their sinful condition.