Co-worker/friend is going down the path of cheating

[hasikelee]

I have a co-worker who has become a very close friend. She is currently engaged to a wonderful man. This past year, however, she has grown close to another guy at work. I am friends with this guy, too, and in the beginning it was quite innocent, but now even she realizes things have gotten out of hand.

I see her at a crossroads and she has many times asked for my advice and help, but I don’t know what to say. I can see how she opened herself to this…her fiancee really is the sweetest man I have ever known, but he is a real softy…not the agressive or strong personality at all. Apparently he also has a big money problem (lying about debt, bad money management).

The guy she’s falling in love with has his own set of problems. I don’t want to judge him as he’s my friend, but he could definitely grow up more…e.g. he’s in college and doesn’t know where his life is going.

It’s tearing me up to see her in so much grief. Personally I think she is out of love with both of them, or rather neither one is good for her. I know a lot of people on this thread will suggest she “offer it up” “pray to be strong” etc but isn’t there some solution? I mean, I’m engaged and friends with this guy, too, and I am perfectly committed to my df. Does it mean they’re not meant to be???

 

[jrabs]

It’s tearing me up to see her in so much grief. Personally I think she is out of love with both of them, or rather neither one is good for her. I know a lot of people on this thread will suggest she “offer it up” “pray to be strong” etc but isn’t there some solution? I mean, I’m engaged and friends with this guy, too, and I am perfectly committed to my df. Does it mean they’re not meant to be???

Technically she is not cheating on anyone. She is not married yet.

And I am not sure what your commitment to your fiancée has to do with her situation? You are both different people - you obviously and blessedly have found your special person, are loyal and committed. That is wonderful. She has not. Let her be until she makes her wedding vows. Maybe this is what she needs to stop the wedding from proceeding.

 

[distracted]

I have a co-worker currently… engaged to a wonderful man. This past year, however, she has grown close to another guy at work.

Marriage is about Commitment… and she obvously doesn’t know what that word means…

I see her at a crossroads and she has many times asked for my advice and help

It is good she respects your opinion. If it were me, i would just tell her that she is not committed and possibly not evn capable of being committed to one guy and therefore, should not be thinking about marriage. I think she needs to be honest w/ her finance about the other guy. What kind of marriage would she have if she wasn’t honest? I’ve never been married, but it seems to me that there should be honesty and total communication or there’s no real 'marriage" as God sees marriage. It seems to me that people nowadays do NOT respect what marriage is really all about. It is about being with ONE person for the rest of your life, through thick and think, for richer and for poorer. It is about unconditional love… No one loves perfectly except Jesus… but we are, as scripture says supposed to “be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect.” God would not start a relationship w/ someone and then end it or “cheat” so why do we humans do that to each other? It is terrible how people hurt each other in “relationships” these days…
Anyway… you don’t say whether you are Catholic or whatever… but any priest would say that this woman should not be getting married anytime soon (like not within several years…possibly never if she never learns what marriage really is about… ).
Praying for both of you.

 

[kage_ar]

Marriage is a commitment, being engaged is a period of discernemnt before one MAKES a commitment.

This is the time for her to make those decisions. Love and support her.

 

[duskyjewel]

A really good friend would also point out how neither of these guys is good for her, and she is making poor choices about whom to attach her life to. I say this only because you say she has asked for your (name removed by moderator)ut. If she hadn’t asked, it would be better to stay mum and let her work this out herself. But she did ask, so I think you should tell her what you see in both these guys as not being good for her.

Also point out that she is not really committed to either, and doesn’t seem to be serious about making a commitment. These don’t have to be failings on her part, just tell her it’s part of her discernment process and that maybe she just needs to slow way down and really look at the choices she is making. Do they fit with the life she sees herself having in 10, 15, 20 years? Is either guy going to be the kind of partner she needs to achieve that life she wants? Is either guy going to be the kind of partner who will be a strength should everything fall apart, or will he be just another problem or burden for her to try and handle? Cuz, that happens and it really sucks when you have a spouse who makes it worse instead of being a help and support.

Yes, she may get upset at you, but a good friend is willing to lose the friendship in order to save the friend. And I bet even if she does get mad, after she has cooled down and been honest with herself, she might come back and thank you for caring enough about her to risk her ire.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

She’s not ready to be married. And it’s also not smart to marry someone who is already undergoing financial troubles.

Advise her to give the ring back and get to know more people before she commits to one. It sounds like she became engaged to the first guy that really came along because it seemed like a good idea at the time, and she is now realizing there are other fish in the sea.

The engagement time should be a time of getting closer to each other, not closer to the guy in the next cubicle. That’s a major red flag.

You don’t say how old she is. Ask her what her rush to marry is.

 

[chevalier]

First things first:

While engagement is different in nature from marriage, it’s already a promise, it is a word given. It is not a word than cannot be taken back, but it’s a word that can’t be gone against. Obviously, getting closer with someone emotionally isn’t cheating yet, but only on the path to it. Also, it’s not the same kind of cheating as in marriage. However, side-affairs by people in relationships at the premarital stage are not okay. They have the right to choose, but they don’t have the right to have side-affairs, simple as it is.

The woman in question should either get a grip of herself and the situation she’s in, or tell her fiance that she has feelings for another guy.

As for red flags, I would say she should probably leave both guys alone. Lying is not good. Lying about debt is even worse. It’s one thing when you have financial problems. But when it turns to lying about debt, well, it’s just a perfect set-up for serious problems and a very nasty situation. As for the other guy, it doesn’t look serious.

 

[hasikelee]

Technically she is not cheating on anyone. She is not married yet.

And I am not sure what your commitment to your fiancée has to do with her situation? You are both different people - you obviously and blessedly have found your special person, are loyal and committed. That is wonderful. She has not. Let her be until she makes her wedding vows. Maybe this is what she needs to stop the wedding from proceeding.

jrabs: I just meant to show that I am having trouble empathizing/understanding her situation, because I am in a committed relationship, too, but I don’t have the same problem as her.

To everyone else, thanks so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I will see if I can’t impart a little bit of advice such as what is presented here.