G
GraceIsEnough
Guest
Please pray for me, that I will not completely lose my faith in God. I have had such strong faith for my 40+ years of life, despite numerous tragedies and hardships and unanswered prayers. I feel that I am reaching a point of total spiritual burnout, however, since the difficulties in my life seem never to end, and many of the deepest desires of my heart remain unanswered prayers. I have been praying for almost a year that my new husband will be open to life (he changed his mind about having children within the first three months of our marriage), saying novenas, attending special masses, hoping that NFP fails (my husband insists on strict adherence to periods of avoidance for two weeks a month), hoping that God softens my husband’s heart or creates a life within me before I am too old. I even attended a special mass at which St. Gianna’s daughter was present…and strangely enough I experienced ovulation symptoms (definite…pain and bleeding) at the mass. I touched St. Gianna’s gloves and prayed that she would interecede for me in helping me to conceive. I was so hopeful, since my ovulation was early (a miracle?) and within a window during which it would be possible that previous intimacy with my husband might have led to conception. I prayed so hard, and I was so sure that it was a sign that my prayers were heard at that Mass and that God would hear the deepest desires of my heart to have children. Unfortunately I found out that I didn’t conceive, and what’s worse…when I was sad after finding out that my brother’s wife just conceived (not sad for her, just sad that it will not happen for me), my husband was detached from me. My husband thinks we should wait to try to have children after we have bought a house, sometime in the next few years. But I am 41 and he is 44, and there is little chance of having children ever if we continue to wait. I keep praying and praying, but there is no answer to my prayers. I have talked to priests in the past, talked to counselors, and there is no budging on my husband’s part. I know this is not God’s plan for a joy-filled marriage, and I am heartsick. My husband and I talked about children and family and timing and trusting God in these decisions before we got married, so it is not as though I was remiss in talking about such important things. My husband just changed his mind after we were married. There is nothing I can do. I have prayed for guidance, for someone to make things clear to my husband so that his heart opens up to life, but nothing is happening. In all other ways he is a kind man, and does love me deeply. I just don’t think I believe that there is a God anymore. I lived my life according to Catholic morality and did everything “right” and now I am finding myself married to a Catholic man who is not open to life. I am 41, and there is no chance that I could have this marriage annuled and still have a chance at family life. I trusted God with my life, with a “plan” for me, and it took 39 years to finally find a spouse. Now, that spouse is blocking me from having children. I cannot understand why God would be so remote as to let this situation continue with me in such pain, and wronged. He could allow me to become pregnant by “altering” my ovulation or allowing my husband’s sperm to live longer. But He doesn’t. He doesn’t console me. He doesn’t send kind people into my life with wise words or other gestures that bespeak love. He doesn’t pay any attention to me at all. I used to be so devout, but I guess after so many years of defeats and disappointments and tragedies, and now this latest death-blow, I just don’t believe in a God who loves me anymore. I have stopped praying for me, for my intentions. It seems ludicrous now, thinking that having my ovulation occur right during the St. Gianna Mass actually meant something. It seems crazy to think that praying will change anything in my husband’s heart. All that will change is that I will have to seek an annulment and close the door to having my own children forever. If there is a God, either He doesn’t really care too much about what happens to me, and waits for me to hunker down and suffer well, or this is all part of his plan somehow. If this is part of His plan, then there is nothing I can do to change the circumstances anyhow. So, either way it seems an exercise in futility to pray. I do ask, in closing, for prayers for my soul in case there is a God and He condems me for giving up on faith after 41 years of being a devout Catholic. I admire all those who continue to believe, and I hope that God does answer your prayers.
