College Support for Son

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My son is graduating from highschool in a few days. He wants to go to college. His mother and I support this decision. We just don’t support his desire to leave home to do it. His grades throughout high school have been very poor. His grades suffered, not through lack of ability, but through lack of effort. Oh, he does have dyslexic tendencies and mild ADD, but that doesn’t mean he’s incapable. His poor grades were usually because he just didn’t do the work.
Anyway, he wants to go away to college. He wants me to believe that college will be different. I’ve told him that if he will go to the local community college for a year and show me that he will do well, we will finance his education at the institution of his choice (within reason). He wants to go right now. He wants to experience dorm life, etc.
Am I being unreasonable? I want to believe in him, but every time he’s told me he’s going to do better, I’ve been disappointed.
 
CatholicNewby said:
My son is graduating from highschool in a few days. He wants to go to college. His mother and I support this decision. We just don’t support his desire to leave home to do it. His grades throughout high school have been very poor. His grades suffered, not through lack of ability, but through lack of effort. Oh, he does have dyslexic tendencies and mild ADD, but that doesn’t mean he’s incapable. His poor grades were usually because he just didn’t do the work.
Anyway, he wants to go away to college. He wants me to believe that college will be different. I’ve told him that if he will go to the local community college for a year and show me that he will do well, we will finance his education at the institution of his choice (within reason). He wants to go right now. He wants to experience dorm life, etc.
Am I being unreasonable? I want to believe in him, but every time he’s told me he’s going to do better, I’ve been disappointed.
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CatholicNewby,

I don’t know your son, however going to college to “experience the dorm life”, IMHO, isn’t a good enough reason. In fact I’m not sure if I’d let him stay in a dorm if I were you. I’d be too afraid of the drinking, partying, etc that could go on there.

I’d suggest that you make him go through Community College. This is cheaper, because he won’t need to take the SATs & can get all the basic courses out of the way at the Com. College. Also you can keep your eyes on him for a bit longer.

Catholig
 
CatholicNewby said:
My son is graduating from highschool in a few days. He wants to go to college. His mother and I support this decision. We just don’t support his desire to leave home to do it. His grades throughout high school have been very poor. His grades suffered, not through lack of ability, but through lack of effort. Oh, he does have dyslexic tendencies and mild ADD, but that doesn’t mean he’s incapable. His poor grades were usually because he just didn’t do the work.
Anyway, he wants to go away to college. He wants me to believe that college will be different. I’ve told him that if he will go to the local community college for a year and show me that he will do well, we will finance his education at the institution of his choice (within reason). He wants to go right now. He wants to experience dorm life, etc.
Am I being unreasonable? I want to believe in him, but every time he’s told me he’s going to do better, I’ve been disappointed.
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Tough.
My only thought is to compromise… have HIM take out student loans… make this risk be on HIS dollar.

I had to pay my way through (still paying off those loans, I might add!)… but I’m so proud that I did! I was financially independent and did it all myself!

Just another idea!
 
Em_in_FL said:
Tough.
My only thought is to compromise… have HIM take out student loans… make this risk be on HIS dollar.

I had to pay my way through (still paying off those loans, I might add!)… but I’m so proud that I did! I was financially independent and did it all myself!

Just another idea!
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I like this suggestion. If his effort is in question, then this may be a great solution.
 
Catholig said:
CatholicNewby,

I don’t know your son, however going to college to “experience the dorm life”, IMHO, isn’t a good enough reason. In fact I’m not sure if I’d let him stay in a dorm if I were you. I’d be too afraid of the drinking, partying, etc that could go on there.

I’d suggest that you make him go through Community College. This is cheaper, because he won’t need to take the SATs & can get all the basic courses out of the way at the Com. College. Also you can keep your eyes on him for a bit longer.

Catholig
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I thank you for your suggestions. Oddly, I’m not that worried about him partying too much (well maybe a little). He was, until a couple of months ago, convinced that he was going to the seminary. He found out that he didn’t have the grades and backed off of that. He’s still considering youth ministry/music ministry but has broadened his perspective some to include more secular careers. He’s way more spiritual than I was at his age. The only problem I’ve had, really, is with his motivation to do the school work that he dislikes.
 
Em_in_FL said:
Tough.
My only thought is to compromise… have HIM take out student loans… make this risk be on HIS dollar.

I had to pay my way through (still paying off those loans, I might add!)… but I’m so proud that I did! I was financially independent and did it all myself!

Just another idea!
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It’s a good one. I suppose I’m just agonizing over harming my relationship with him by being inflexible. I could expand on your suggestion and offer to pick up/help out with the remaining years if he proves himself to be dedicated to his schoolwork. That way he still has some skin in the game, but I don’t have to be such an ogre. Can they really get loans without parents cosigning and such? If so, this might be the answer. He’ll be 18 and able to do what he wants anyway. I might as well try to find a reasonable compromise that keeps us involved in his decisionmaking.🤷

Thanks.
 
How about offering 2 choices:
  1. Parents will pay for community college and he can prove he’s serious about doing better.
  2. Give him the amount you would pay for community college and he can pay the rest towards the school of his choice.
Let him decide. —KCT
 
CatholicNewby said:
Can they really get loans without parents cosigning and such? If so, this might be the answer. He’ll be 18 and able to do what he wants anyway.
Thanks.
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Yes they can, but not for the amount of their choice! It’s limited to so much freshman year, soph etc. —KCT
 
I think “going away to college” is a dangerous thing even for good kids with top-notch grades. If he has options that are closer to home, he should take advantage of those. Freshman on campus drop like flies the first year of college. It just adds to the problem if they’re all of the sudden “on their own” living in the dorm.

I think your plan of trying out the local college first is the smartest plan.

Besides…wanting to “experience the dorm life” is not a good enough reason to go to college, period. It’s a pretty expensive lesson to learn.
 
Dear Newby

I believe your suggestion for compromise is absolutely reasonable. We don’t go to college to “experience dorm life” we go to get a good education and a reasonable expectation that we learn skills that will lead us to a good vocation - whatever it is.

I don’t see how doing the community college for a year locally to show he is earnest about his grades then on campus living is in anyway unreasonable. It’s a privilage - not a right. I also agree that you are already teaching him real world skills such as earning the right to be on his own after he shows he can handle the grades. Good for you.

My son graduates HS tonight and is going to a local college in the fall and staying at home for the first year. Many colleges require a good GPA to stay in on campus housing. He has the grades. Just a little short on money and I would definitely stay away from student loans. As one poster said - still paying - don’t do it if you don’t have to. Staying at home to save a nickel will save him and you a lot of heartache in the future.

If you are wanting to teach life lessons - this is an important one - you can’t have everything you want - you need to earn it first. Good luck and God bless you all.
 
I’m 22 so my thoughts are closer to his than yours so maybe you would like to hear an opinion from that perspective.

I think that parents these days, worrying about all the horrible things going on around us, have a tendency to be overprotective. Someone posted about college drinking and drugs etc. Well, true, those things are horrible, but you cannot protect your 18 year old from life! He has to deal with his problems by himself, that includes making choices and taking responsibility for them. If you say he is a spiritual person and you have a good relationship with him, trust him! Let him grow, let him cope with everyday life, food, laundry, all those things that maybe he takes for granted when living with you.

I think it’s reasonable to offer him to pay for the first year and then if everything goes well, continue.
 
CatholicNewby said:
My son is graduating from highschool in a few days. He wants to go to college. His mother and I support this decision. We just don’t support his desire to leave home to do it. His grades throughout high school have been very poor. His grades suffered, not through lack of ability, but through lack of effort. Oh, he does have dyslexic tendencies and mild ADD, but that doesn’t mean he’s incapable. His poor grades were usually because he just didn’t do the work.
Anyway, he wants to go away to college. He wants me to believe that college will be different. I’ve told him that if he will go to the local community college for a year and show me that he will do well, we will finance his education at the institution of his choice (within reason). He wants to go right now. He wants to experience dorm life, etc.
Am I being unreasonable? I want to believe in him, but every time he’s told me he’s going to do better, I’ve been disappointed.
Click to expand...
I had ADD while in college and it was horrible until I finally decided to start taking medicine again. Just to let you know Franciscan has a wonderful Learning Disablities department. Many of the teachers are extremely understanding, especially since you can take certain classes as a Pass/Fail option.

I struggle with math and the best thing about FUS for me was that there was no math requirement for my major. Obiviously this depends on what you are majoring in.

I found too that most of teachers were willing to help, I was struggling in one of my Philosophy courses and teacher asked me to stay after class and told me that he didn’t want to fail me and that if I could do a series of essays then he would count those instead.

That being said Franciscan is also an expensive mistake if he doesn’t do well there…I agree with the whole CC for a year and then maybe he could transfer?
 
Just a few thoughts…

My friend had a similar situation a few years ago. She ended up sending her somewhat irresponsible son to the nearby college, so that he could prove to her that he could be responsible about his work. He ended up staying at the local college, living at home while holding down a job, and is now in law school. It worked so well, they did it with the next son, too. He decided to “go away” to school the 2nd year, after proving he was responsible, etc. Neither son was resentful about it.

Regarding student loans…YIKES! I went to school on student loans, and took years paying them off. If I had gone to a local college for 1 or 2 years, I would’ve saved a bundle. As it was, I changed majors 4 times, and ended up going to school an extra year. I don’t think your son will learn anything by taking out a loan. He will only see the consequences of that after he graduates.

DH and I plan on having our kids go to local universities/colleges for the first year or two. These days it’s really not necessary for most kids to go and live in dorms. There’s online courses, etc. I think dorms were created in the olden days when it took several days to reach a major university. If our kids decide on a program that would take them far away to school, then that would be a different story. All pre-requisite courses can be taken nearby, and will transfer as needed.

In short, I agree with your plan! Stick to your guns. Your son may thank you for it.
 
The thing to worry about with student loans is that some 18 year olds may not have the maturity to see what they are getting themselves into. I don’t think it would necessarily provide the motivation needed to get the grades. I was a pretty good student and was conscious of my grades because I knew what an effort it was for my Mom and Dad to send me to college (there was a "parent contribution that wasn’t covered by loans) and I also had to sign for loans, but it didn’t phase me at all to go up to the Bursar’s office and sign those papers. Only AFTER I graduated from college did I realize what I had gotten myself into financially. I did pay them back without much trouble but like I said, they didn’t do much to motivate me while I was in school.
 
im not from the us, but community colleges are not offering Bachelor’s degrees right?
 
fin said:
im not from the us, but community colleges are not offering Bachelor’s degrees right?
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Correct. Community colleges do no offer bachelors degrees. You can usually attain an associates degree (2-year) at a community college and then transfer to a university to get the bachelors.
There are many different reasons one would choose a CC… finances, inability to get accepted by a university based on high school grades, undecided major, location, etc, etc… they have many merits…
 
Many colleges also Newman centers that offer separate housing for select Catholic kids. In this way, they live in a community setting more in line with their values. Also, I think it would provide a more conducive environment for studying.

I can see why dorm life would be appealing to a young man. Lots of friends, lots of activity, lots of freedom.

But, as a parent, I see lots of peer pressure, lots of distractions, lots of temptations.

I think a year of maturing would be really helpful.

The funny thing is that when I was in college, everyone was eager to get out of the dorms and find off campus lodging. If you were in the dorms Sophomore year, it was considered a little odd.
 
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