Communication barrier with my husband

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sparkey71

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Here is my situation. I am a newlywed; married less than 2 years however have cohabitated with my spouse before marriage for 2 years. We both attended the Marriage Formation class through the Marriage & Family Life program. This shed some light and made me aware of a few issues before marriage that may cause some problems down the road. These issues were discussing hurtful feelings and joint finances. Anytime I feel hurt or neglected he gets defensive and refer to my feelings and thoughts to “DRAMA” and he wants no part of it. I have tried every way possible to come across caring and loving however he will turn it around that I am causing the problem. How can I point out that his words, his tone, and his reactions are enough to hurt ones feelings especially mine. I have suggested counseling, but he isn’t interested. I do not want to continue an unhealthy marriage when every time there is an issue we sweep it under the rug and never speak about it. Most of all, I don’t get an apology of how he hurts my feelings. I have always said sorry to my husband even if he doesn’t tell me how he feels. I do it because I can forgive for being human and being insensitive or unlovely. This is my assumption and observation, this situation has caused us to close our hearts to each other and has put some distance between us. I get a certain vibe that is uncomfortable. I love my husband however I don’t know if I can continue to struggle with him on some of the issues that bother me. I have to talk about how I feel, what I like to do, where I like to be with my spouse in life. I am starting to think that my husband doesn’t think I have an opinion.

I need some advice and guidance how how to resolve this issue.
 
Check out the Marriage Encounter program in your diocese. It is not counseling, but a married couples communication workshop held over a weekend. Hopefully, you can get your husband to attend and both of you can learn some skills and techniques for better communication in the future. Your instinct is correct, when communication breaks down, so does the relationship.
 
Sparkey,
Your first post on these forums is very similar to my first one a couple years ago.

I had some of the same issues: him saying it was my fault when I was upset by something he did, never apologizing, refusing counseling, etc. Things aren’t perfect, but we have come a long way since then.

What worked for me:
Counseling helped a bit. He really resisted at first. I made an appointment and told him I was going whether he came or not. He came, although I think at first it was mostly to make sure he could share his side of the story. We only really needed 4 sessions.

I learned not to assume he understood why something bothered me. Even if it seems obvious to me, I still spell out why something he did bothers me. It works pretty well, too.

Marriage Encounter also gives you some good tools to talk about feelings, so it’s worth a shot, too.
 
Thanks for turning to the board for help. Take a look at the book “How We Love”
howwelove.com/

I hate to refer you to an “evangelical” book but this book really opened my eyes and saw how both my wife and I had “wounded love styles”. It made a HUGE difference in our marriage.

Please try not to grow in bitterness.

In prayer for you…
 
sparkey71 said:
Here is my situation. I am a newlywed; married less than 2 years however have cohabitated with my spouse before marriage for 2 years. We both attended the Marriage Formation class through the Marriage & Family Life program. This shed some light and made me aware of a few issues before marriage that may cause some problems down the road. These issues were discussing hurtful feelings and joint finances. Anytime I feel hurt or neglected he gets defensive and refer to my feelings and thoughts to “DRAMA” and he wants no part of it. I have tried every way possible to come across caring and loving however he will turn it around that I am causing the problem. How can I point out that his words, his tone, and his reactions are enough to hurt ones feelings especially mine. I have suggested counseling, but he isn’t interested. I do not want to continue an unhealthy marriage when every time there is an issue we sweep it under the rug and never speak about it. Most of all, I don’t get an apology of how he hurts my feelings. I have always said sorry to my husband even if he doesn’t tell me how he feels. I do it because I can forgive for being human and being insensitive or unlovely. This is my assumption and observation, this situation has caused us to close our hearts to each other and has put some distance between us. I get a certain vibe that is uncomfortable. I love my husband however I don’t know if I can continue to struggle with him on some of the issues that bother me. I have to talk about how I feel, what I like to do, where I like to be with my spouse in life. I am starting to think that my husband doesn’t think I have an opinion.

I need some advice and guidance how how to resolve this issue.
Click to expand...
Yes marriage counseling…getting right with God…all beneficial. Do you think he will be open to it?
May I ask…are there children involved?
 
"We both attended the Marriage Formation class …This shed some light and made me aware of a few issues before marriage that may cause some problems down the road [including] discussing hurtful feelings."
It is too bad that you chose to NOT believe that even though you were told about it, that your husband does not want to discuss hurtful feelings.

"[After we were married] Anytime I feel hurt or neglected he gets defensive and refers to my feelings and thoughts to “DRAMA” and he wants no part of it."
This is a terrible problem for you, because you WANT to discuss hurtful feelings.

"How can I point out that his words, his tone, and his reactions are enough to hurt one’s feelings, especially mine?"
The obvious answer is to tell him, in so many words.
Writing a letter to him is an exercise in caring.
You can work through 10 drafts of the letter, until it says pretty-much exactly what you want it to say.
(It might be good to have a professional read the letter before you deliver it.)

"Most [important and painful] of all, I don’t get an apology of how he hurts my feelings.
I have always said sorry to my husband, even if he doesn’t tell me how he feels.
I do it because I can forgive [people] for being human and being insensitive or unlovely."
What are you wanting your husband to apologize for?
All you said is that you want to discuss your pain, and hubby calls it DRAMA, and won’t engage in that conversation with you.
So, if this is the BIGGEST problem you feel about the situation, it might be helpful you you to have personal counseling.
Having hubby there would not be productive, because he chooses to not get into it.
But, since it is important to you, then you are the one who can benefit from counseling.
Maybe you can develop the ability to Let Go of your strong desire for an apology from him.
That, alone, may be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage.

** “This is my assumption and observation, this situation has caused us to close our hearts to each other, and has put some distance between us.”**
What has your husband done which makes you think he has closed his heart to you?
It is possible that you are not interpreting his behavior correctly?
Maybe you should ask him directly if he is closing his heart to you.
If he agrees, then at least you will be operating on the true facts, instead of possibly mis-information.

"I have to talk about how I feel, what I like to do, where I like to be with my spouse in life."
If this is actually TRUE, then you will (probably) never get what you consider a need in your Life.
This is another reason to get into counseling.
For many people, talking the issues out with another human being, can be as useful as talking to the unwilling spouse.
In counseling they speak of transference.
You can transfer the needs you require from your spouse, to your therapist (who will work through that issue).
Then, that need in you has been fulfilled.

" I am starting to think that my husband doesn’t think I have an opinion."
This is not likely. By now, your husband knows your opinion about his behavior.
 
I have to say be careful about letter writing. I spent a large part of my time in a past relationship writing him letters. I thought I was doing the right thing, but years later I came to the conclusion it only felt right because I was getting my feelings out, yet it did not make us good at communicating. If anything, it kept communication one sided.

I would work through many drafts sometimes, choosing just the right words in order not to offend or put him off and yet express what I was feeling or wanted. Handwritten, unless I went to a library and used a computer since I had none. Spent a lot on notebooks. Sometimes got writer’s cramp. It seemed like it did some good at times, but most of the time it did not. And he never wrote me back or discussed what I wrote, even if I asked him.

My advice would be to avoid writing letters to express your feelings when the other person does not express his or avoids communication. You will probably end up feeling more alone in your efforts to communicate.
 
sparkey71 said:
Here is my situation. I am a newlywed; married less than 2 years however have cohabitated with my spouse before marriage for 2 years. We both attended the Marriage Formation class through the Marriage & Family Life program. This shed some light and made me aware of a few issues before marriage that may cause some problems down the road. These issues were discussing hurtful feelings and joint finances. Anytime I feel hurt or neglected he gets defensive and refer to my feelings and thoughts to “DRAMA” and he wants no part of it. I have tried every way possible to come across caring and loving however he will turn it around that I am causing the problem. How can I point out that his words, his tone, and his reactions are enough to hurt ones feelings especially mine. I have suggested counseling, but he isn’t interested. I do not want to continue an unhealthy marriage when every time there is an issue we sweep it under the rug and never speak about it. Most of all, I don’t get an apology of how he hurts my feelings. I have always said sorry to my husband even if he doesn’t tell me how he feels. I do it because I can forgive for being human and being insensitive or unlovely. This is my assumption and observation, this situation has caused us to close our hearts to each other and has put some distance between us. I get a certain vibe that is uncomfortable. I love my husband however I don’t know if I can continue to struggle with him on some of the issues that bother me. I have to talk about how I feel, what I like to do, where I like to be with my spouse in life. I am starting to think that my husband doesn’t think I have an opinion.

I need some advice and guidance how how to resolve this issue.
Click to expand...
This sounds like a normal marriage of Women are from Venus; Men are from Mars. You should read the book. It will help you to understand.

He doens’t like “drama”, so everytime he hears a certain tone, or sees a certain look in your face, he wants no part of it even if you haven’t said anything to him. He is from Mars…he likes to solve problems, not hear about complaints and things he cannot fix. He wants to fix things and if problems are not brought to him with possible alternatives and solutions, he thinks it is drama. All he hears is “wah wah wah”…he doesn’t hear words.

When he comes home from work, do you approach him right away or do you give him time to himself to visit his “cave” and deal with his own day? Men cannot go into problem solving mode until they have had a chance to rest after their day. They will see it as drama if they are approached as soon as they walk in the door.

They like solutions. How about you approach him with solutions to your maritial issues instead of him seeing it as drama?

If he wont’ listen to you, leave him alone. Go talk to your girlfriends about everday issue, but do not air out your dirty laundry. You will regret that. Your friends will begin to dislike him and will always remember your issues even when things get better.
 
Carol Of the Bells says: "I have to say, be careful about letter writing. I spent a large part of my time in a past relationship writing him letters. I thought I was doing the right thing, but years later I came to the conclusion, it only felt right because I was getting my feelings out, yet it did not make us good at communicating. If anything, it kept communication one sided."

Oh yes. Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result is the definition of Insanity (by Albert Einstein)

I pre-supposed that the Poster had not tried to deal with her reluctant hubby in a Letter before.
Clearly, if you go through all of the time and effort of draft a Letter of your pain, frustration, etc., and you do not get a decent result, the odds reduce that the next Letter will change things. At some point, that method should probably be discontinued, and another method attempted.

And, if hubby does not respond well, I fully agree with your conclusion : "My advice would be to avoid writing letters to express your feelings when the other person does not express his or avoids communication. You will probably end up feeling more alone in your efforts to communicate."
 
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