Communion on Wedding Day - Excommunicated

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christmastree

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Hi all,

I’m a practicing catholic and my fiance is baptised catholic but excommunicated. He supported an abortion in a previous relationship and has been pretty mixed up about the whole topic since. He won’t go to confession because when he looks back he can’t see how he could have acted any differently in that particular situation. He comes to mass with me but doesn’t receive communion.

We were at a wedding recently and it only dawned on him the bride and groom receive Communion first in front of everyone. He asked me would it be ok to receive it anyway so as not to make a show in front of everyone… which doesn’t sit well with me at all. He doesn’t seem too comfortable telling the priest beforehand either because he’s a friend of my family. It’s a sore topic and has only confided in me and a friend. Also would there be a problem marrying us in the Church? (I looked this up before and didn’t see any issues but if you have further info we’ have to consider that would be much appreciated)

Does anyone have any advice on how I approach this with him?
God bless!
 
Are you sure he’s excommunicated? What do you mean by “supported” an abortion?

I suspect he isn’t himself excommunicated, but even if he is, the penalty for abortion can be lifted in the Confessional.

If he really is excommunicated, then he can’t actually get married until such time that the penalty is lifted.

-Fr ACEGC
 
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Also he would not be in a state of grace due to not confessing (presuming material cooperation) and therefore couldn’t receive the Sacrament of Marriage in that state, correct?
 
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Not being in the state of grace doesn’t invalidate marriage. But one would sin by receiving the sacrament of marriage not in a state of grace.
 
It sounds like your fiance thinks he would do the same again because he can’t think of an alternative choice.

Say, clinic in a very bad neighborhood and the woman involved planned to hitchhike there so he gave her a ride rather than let her be in such a dangerous situation.

Whatever the situation was, I think that talking it over with a good priest would help your fiancé.
 
If someone were actually excommunicated, one could not validly receive the sacrament of marriage or any other sacrament, except Confession (after which one could receive other sacraments, assuming you got the excommunication taken off by a priest delegated to do it).

You could get naturally married, but that isn’t really a thing for two baptized Catholics.

Being excommunicated is pretty big stuff. It is not the same as just not being in a state of grace, or not being in a fit state to receive.

(And of course you can’t be excommunicated if you aren’t a baptized Catholic who has received Communion at least once.)

Your fiance could be wrong about his culpability or his state under canon law.

And not seeing what else one could have done is not the same as not recognizing that an action was wrong, or being sorry for sin. Just because I temporarily was, or thought I was, cornered into an action doesn’t make an action moral or smart. It can reduce culpability.

Get your fiance to talk to a priest. Pray for him. Pray for the priest. Heck, talk to everybody’s guardian angels. But get this dealt with.

It is a cancer that is killing your fiance, and you don’t want it to kill your marriage and family. No sin is too scary to look it in the face, and no sin is beyond God’s power. Save your guy by getting him to the Physician.
 
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Thanks all for your detailed responses. I have a lot to mull over. It slipped my mind the whole not being able to receive sacraments (excl confession) not just Communion… yikes.

Perhaps I’m mistaken. I took my understanding of it to be excommunication from Canon 1398 (“A person who procures a completed abortion incurs a latae sententiae excommunication.”) His girlfriend at the time got pregnant with him, he said he’d support her however she wanted, she wanted an abortion, he knew it was against the Church but didn’t think forcing her the other way was right. The relationship was extremely toxic so he thinks he chose the lesser of 2 evils. He would do the same if in that very specific situation again so he feels it would be wrong to go to Confession about it.

We’ve talked it over hundreds of times and figured out things going forward in our relationship. I’ve worked through it myself. I’ve asked him to get outside help but he’s scared. I just settled with the idea you can’t force someone to get help especially when it’s painful for him to look back. I’ll just have to pass on that information and see. Thanks again.
 
In Canon Law, laws imposing a penalty are to be interpreted strictly.

The excommunication for procuring a completed abortion only applies to the following:
  1. The doctor performing an abortion
  2. The woman who gets the abortion
  3. The one paying for the abortion
An automatic penalty can only be incurred if one knows there is a penalty and still performs the act. It doesn’t sound like any of these criteria are met in your fiance’s case. He really needs to talk to a priest about how this is affecting him. He’s letting something he’s built up in his mind that isn’t true keep him from receiving the Sacraments, and that’s a big deal. But all he really needs to do is go back to confession.

-Fr ACEGC
 
This is a serious discussion with your pastor, as everyone has said, if he is truly excommunicated (if he knew the penalty and was involved in the abortion anyway) he could not receive any sacrament until he rectifies that situation.
 
christmastree said:
His girlfriend at the time got pregnant with him, he said he’d support her however she wanted, she wanted an abortion, he knew it was against the Church but didn’t think forcing her the other way was right. The relationship was extremely toxic so he thinks he chose the lesser of 2 evils.
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From what you’re saying, I’m not sure whether he actually “supported an abortion” or just “supported somebody going through an abortion”, which is a very different thing. Since abortion is legal, and it is solely the woman’s choice whether to go through with it, there is very little that he could have done to stop it, other than persuasion. Only your fiancé knows exactly how he was involved in the situation and what he could have done to try to secure a different outcome. Did he support the procedure or the person? You can support somebody who is a sex worker without supporting prostitution, you can support somebody who is an addict without supporting abusing substances, etc.

The simplest solution would be to get him to talk it over with a priest during confession. He can explain exactly what happened and they can talk through whether he could or couldn’t have done anything to change the outcome. He doesn’t have to see the priest who will be conducting your wedding. He can go to see a priest who doesn’t know either of you or your families. Priests want to help and will have heard this, and worse, before.
 
Nobody knows exactly what happened except for the OP’s fiancé and his former girlfriend. Perhaps he said, “You know that I am opposed to abortion, but, since there is nothing that I can do to prevent your going through with having one, I’ll support you should that be your choice.” Given that fathers have no rights where abortion is concerned, that will often be the case. I think that the purpose of this thread is supposed to be to provide the OP and her fiancé with some idea of how they can move forward with this, not to condemn somebody we don’t know for something that he may or may not have done.
 
To what lengths would you go to if a friend confided in you her decision to seek an abortion?
 
christmastree said:
He doesn’t seem too comfortable telling the priest beforehand either because he’s a friend of my family. It’s a sore topic and has only confided in me and a friend.
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Maybe he can find another priest to confess to? A stranger. A sore topic that eats him up constantly is not something you would want to be haunting you before your marriage. You can’t solve it for him instead of the priest.
 
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