M
Mordocai
Guest
I’ll try to sum this up, I appreciate you reading this:
This past month has been a whole new level of spiritual darkness and suffering (even so, Our Lady has lightened it for me) Even to the point of where I think I might be falling into scrupulosity, but at the same time, I don’t think I am.
For example, every time I eat anything (even snack!) I think about the poor, and think “I should be fasting” or today, I bought a picture of the Holy Family (with Christmas money) and when I got home I thought “you know, you should return it and give the money to someone who needs it”
And it’s like that with everything, spiritual books, images, food, people, literally, everything in my life (no im not joking, even down to my clothes) I wonder “Am I making this item a god?”
Earlier, I was just so fed up, I told God “I just get angry sometimes, it’s not fair” because I was hungry, and wanting to snack, but knew that if I did, I’d feel guilty, and was frustrated at not having a meal ready (which of course is selfish of me, like I can’t make a bowl of cereal or soup?) and maybe out of anger, just ate popcorn and reeses peanut butter cups (the latter of which came in my stocking for Christmas, and I haven’t been eating them because I decided it was better spiritually to avoid them)
And this isn’t even the extent of it.
My vocation I feel is either in extreme danger or just on the verge of…something… maybe me accepting it? I don’t know.
I am constantly *constantly *second guessing myself on everything.
Down to “Why are you talking to that girl exactly? Are you reading that to gain knowledge or because you love Our Lord? Why are you at the computer as much as you are, stop checking your email. You know your room is really too nice, your family is too rich, buncha complainers, just start living poverty already.”
It honestly doesn’t go away.
And best yet! It’s probably an attack (been goin on practically non-stop for about a month now) from the enemy, and I have no competent spiritual director that I’m aware of. I even went to Fr Peter Mary Rookey (known healer, lives half hour away, he said I was going through the dark night probably, which I tend to agree with, but i think the enemy is chiming in too, because I’m losing taste for material and sensual things yet am drawn to them for relief, but then find no relief) and my Pastor is a good confessor, but when I talk to him about this stuff, he tells me to just take it easy on myself, you’re pushing too hard, etc etc.
BUT HOW CAN I EASE UP WHEN SOULS ARE BEING LOST? It’s not FAIR! WHY, is the Lord allowing this? I’m just really frustrated, because I’m not getting it.
And when I make peace with God in confession or something, I screw it up again and am back in the hole.
Like, I feel called to really live the Gospel, but how the heck can I do that if Im supposedly supposed to get a 20,000 dollar a year education, drive around a nice car, live in a nice house, have all this temptation around in my house constantly (family isn’t the holiest on the block, and neither am i) and am feeling so repelled by the world that I wanna be a hermit, but feel horrible for the poor and feel like i should help them (though I, like St. Francis at first, am hesitant of that) feel called to preach and teach too… it’s like, nothing makes sense at all.
i have no one to help really, and I know God’s trying to tell me something and I have no clue what.
or maybe I do and am not admitting it.
i could go on, but i’ll spare you the complaining.
o, and i feel guilty about not visiting the elderly, working for the poor, working more for my evangelization job, and for not praying more and doing more penance, for not getting up immediately when the alarm goes off, etc etc etc etc.
scrupulosity? God trying to teach me…everything?
please PRAY and please help me.
any good spiritual directors around Kankakee County in Illinois? Like, Fr. Dubay, Fr. Hardon, Padre Pio grade?
Is God trying to guide me Himself? What am I supposed to do!!!
Second guessing,
Mordocai
p.s. o, and i have to deal with feeling called the charisms (healing, prophecy etc) And ever since Fr. Rookey prayed over me, things have gotten “worse” in this regard. but hey, the lady who worked with him said "when he prays over you, your life will never be the same.
AND HE EVEN LOOKED AT ME AND SAID I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE OVER HIS MINISTRY! AHH!!!
… so im pretty terrified lately.
very sorry for this long post, please help if you can.
This past month has been a whole new level of spiritual darkness and suffering (even so, Our Lady has lightened it for me) Even to the point of where I think I might be falling into scrupulosity, but at the same time, I don’t think I am.
For example, every time I eat anything (even snack!) I think about the poor, and think “I should be fasting” or today, I bought a picture of the Holy Family (with Christmas money) and when I got home I thought “you know, you should return it and give the money to someone who needs it”
And it’s like that with everything, spiritual books, images, food, people, literally, everything in my life (no im not joking, even down to my clothes) I wonder “Am I making this item a god?”
Earlier, I was just so fed up, I told God “I just get angry sometimes, it’s not fair” because I was hungry, and wanting to snack, but knew that if I did, I’d feel guilty, and was frustrated at not having a meal ready (which of course is selfish of me, like I can’t make a bowl of cereal or soup?) and maybe out of anger, just ate popcorn and reeses peanut butter cups (the latter of which came in my stocking for Christmas, and I haven’t been eating them because I decided it was better spiritually to avoid them)
And this isn’t even the extent of it.
My vocation I feel is either in extreme danger or just on the verge of…something… maybe me accepting it? I don’t know.
I am constantly *constantly *second guessing myself on everything.
Down to “Why are you talking to that girl exactly? Are you reading that to gain knowledge or because you love Our Lord? Why are you at the computer as much as you are, stop checking your email. You know your room is really too nice, your family is too rich, buncha complainers, just start living poverty already.”
It honestly doesn’t go away.
And best yet! It’s probably an attack (been goin on practically non-stop for about a month now) from the enemy, and I have no competent spiritual director that I’m aware of. I even went to Fr Peter Mary Rookey (known healer, lives half hour away, he said I was going through the dark night probably, which I tend to agree with, but i think the enemy is chiming in too, because I’m losing taste for material and sensual things yet am drawn to them for relief, but then find no relief) and my Pastor is a good confessor, but when I talk to him about this stuff, he tells me to just take it easy on myself, you’re pushing too hard, etc etc.
BUT HOW CAN I EASE UP WHEN SOULS ARE BEING LOST? It’s not FAIR! WHY, is the Lord allowing this? I’m just really frustrated, because I’m not getting it.
And when I make peace with God in confession or something, I screw it up again and am back in the hole.
Like, I feel called to really live the Gospel, but how the heck can I do that if Im supposedly supposed to get a 20,000 dollar a year education, drive around a nice car, live in a nice house, have all this temptation around in my house constantly (family isn’t the holiest on the block, and neither am i) and am feeling so repelled by the world that I wanna be a hermit, but feel horrible for the poor and feel like i should help them (though I, like St. Francis at first, am hesitant of that) feel called to preach and teach too… it’s like, nothing makes sense at all.
i have no one to help really, and I know God’s trying to tell me something and I have no clue what.
or maybe I do and am not admitting it.
i could go on, but i’ll spare you the complaining.
o, and i feel guilty about not visiting the elderly, working for the poor, working more for my evangelization job, and for not praying more and doing more penance, for not getting up immediately when the alarm goes off, etc etc etc etc.
scrupulosity? God trying to teach me…everything?
please PRAY and please help me.
any good spiritual directors around Kankakee County in Illinois? Like, Fr. Dubay, Fr. Hardon, Padre Pio grade?
Is God trying to guide me Himself? What am I supposed to do!!!
Second guessing,
Mordocai
p.s. o, and i have to deal with feeling called the charisms (healing, prophecy etc) And ever since Fr. Rookey prayed over me, things have gotten “worse” in this regard. but hey, the lady who worked with him said "when he prays over you, your life will never be the same.
AND HE EVEN LOOKED AT ME AND SAID I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE OVER HIS MINISTRY! AHH!!!
… so im pretty terrified lately.
very sorry for this long post, please help if you can.
…tomorrow 