Complicated Issue- Sexual

[whatevergirl]

We’ve had some discussions on it since then, and it’s helped a bit. He’s working on being more understanding, but I think my jaw dropped the first time he said that to me!

It’s possible that your dh takes that in a very* literal **way…instead of a playful way, you know? It’s not like you’re telling him he needs to work to get you into bed…in a way, that would be wrong. My husband wouldn’t want to feel like he has to beg me to have sex with him…but, I think you meant it in a playful way, and your dh might have just taken it in a literal way, to mean that you are not attracted to him without A LOT of effort on his part. Communication between the sexes, gotta love it sometimes! Glad things have gotten better. *

 

[dancergal]

It’s possible that your dh takes that in a very* literal ***way…instead of a playful way, you know? It’s not like you’re telling him he needs to work to get you into bed…in a way, that would be wrong. My husband wouldn’t want to feel like he has to beg me to have sex with him…but, I think you meant it in a playful way, and your dh might have just taken it in a literal way, to mean that you are not attracted to him without A LOT of effort on his part. Communication between the sexes, gotta love it sometimes! Glad things have gotten better.

That’s a good point, when I first said it to him, it didn’t dawn on me that he might take it literally. There’s just days when it’s not first and foremost in my mind to jump into bed like that. Communication is definitely key, though, that’s for sure!

 

[Scott_D]

I’d like to extend the theme on this thread if I could. I am quite confused on some issues of the conjugal act within marriage. One day, my wife was having quite a bad day. So…I treated her. However, since we practice NFP and it was a fertile time, I didn’t go all the way. We just stopped after she was done. I was under the impression that the Church’s standing on sex is that you need to climax inside the woman. I’ve had priests tell me that anything goes as long as you climax the right way. I’ve seen many contradictory statements on threads of the past. What is the Church’s teaching? Did we sin mortally?

 

[royal_archer]

I must have missed this advice, this is excellent! As a married man I would elated if my wife put it this way. “Sorry I’m not in the mood really but I’m open to being convinced otherwise ” That a challenge few men could pass up!

Ditto, Most men will only give up trying if they feel they have no chance of “success”.

 

[royal_archer]

Wow, I wish my hubby would take this train of thought! When I use the “I’m not in the mood, but convince me,” line, he takes it as an insult and so it’s a complete turnoff. As he puts it, “I don’t want to have to *convince *my wife to be with me. You’re basically telling me that I don’t turn you on enough just being here.” So I’ve had to drop the first part of that line.

Did he here “I’m not in the mood for intamacy yet” or “I’m not in the mood for you”? One is an invitation, the other could be taken as an insult. It also has to be taken in context and a lot of the context is the attention the wife is giving her husband in general.

 

[ac_claire]

I have spoken to my doctor. The meds that work for me are the same meds that cause sexual dysfunction. I will stay on my meds regardless as they are for my health. My concern is what do I do with my marriage.

Like others said, we can’t give medical advice here but I will say-- from personal experience-- that there usually are alternate medications for the problems you mentioned (depression, anxiety) that are more or less libido-crushing than others. If you talk to your doctor about this particular side-effect being a major concern for you, he may be able to come up with some alternate therapy options.

 

[joandarc2008]

I am on a combo anti-seizure/anti-depressants so I understand. One thing that has worked for us in the past (granted we have had other issues) is instead of “not in the mood for intimacy” statement which can be taken wrong- I try- “Tell me what you are thinking of.” The talk might help get you into the mood and it won’t offend him.

 

[HumblePilgrim]

In my opinion, the best way to handle this situation is to talk to your husband of the dificultys that you are going through. Tell him the truth of what you feel about your sexual life and the problems that you are encountering. I would especially adivise you to talk to him when both of you are alone and in a perfect state. That means that both of you should not be tired or having headaches or be worrying of something else rather than the sexual issue that is bothering you. Go in a room and talk in private as you release every single detail to him of what’s going on between the both of you.

It would be very important that you be honest and not say any lies to him. Communication and honesty is very important in a relationship and the more honest and open you are, the better it will be for him to try to help you and find a solution to the problem. This is a particular type of problem where both of you will have to work together as a team and as a loving couple to work things out correctly and get all the help you need.

In conclusion, talk to your husband about what’s going on with your sex problem and try to find a solution to the problem. I think it would be necesary to go to some sort of couple talks or see a doctor of some sort.

I have spoken to him and I have seen a doctor. There is no problem with honesty in our relationship. I have just shared that I believe that my medications may be severely depressing my libido and since I cannot come off them I did not know what to do in terms of whether I should force myself to have sex despite not wanting to or not force myself.

 

[HumblePilgrim]

Please speak with your doctor again.

In almost every case, there are alternative drugs that can be described for the conditions you mentioned. Not all have the same side effects for the same people. There are also a few drugs that can be prescribed to increase libido.

If the doctor is dismissive of your problem, they aren’t the right doctor for you. This is an issue that is having a significant impact on you and I would make every effort to resolve it.

Not true, I have taken over 5 different anti-depressants to try and reduce my libido problems and I have been on two different hypertensive medications. My doctor is not dismissive and has been willing to work with me on this as it causes ME a lot of stress. But, I do not want to keep going on the ups and downs of changing anti-depressants anymore to fix this problem when the anti-depressant is helping keep at bay much more important and life altering problems. Trust me, I have good doctors and I have played with my medication. I am also a woman and there is nothing that can be taken to increase libido short of taking a testosterone patch which I am not so sure about at this time.

 

[HumblePilgrim]

Wow, I wish my hubby would take this train of thought! When I use the “I’m not in the mood, but convince me,” line, he takes it as an insult and so it’s a complete turnoff. As he puts it, “I don’t want to have to *convince *my wife to be with me. You’re basically telling me that I don’t turn you on enough just being here.” So I’ve had to drop the first part of that line.

My husband never used to take this train of thought but now I fear he has given up.

 

[HumblePilgrim]

There is a Catholic alternative to traditional antidepressant therapy.

See this article by Dr. Raymond Lloyd Richmond.

While this may be helpful for many people who have minor to moderate depression medical treatment can often be the only thing that can help someone who has moderate to severe depression. Please do not think that just by willing yourself or praying about it can just get you out of moderate-severe depression which is a problem of the mind. NOT the spirit.

I used to see a Christian counselor who who indeed had many of the approaches listed in this after not seeing my depressed mood lift prescribed medication which lifted me enough out of my depression so we could work on the spiritual aspects of my life.

 

[royal_archer]

I have spoken to him and I have seen a doctor. There is no problem with honesty in our relationship. I have just shared that I believe that my medications may be severely depressing my libido and since I cannot come off them I did not know what to do in terms of whether I should force myself to have sex despite not wanting to or not force myself.

The encounter has two aspects, physical and emotional. If one of these is not satisfactory for you, could you seek satisfaction in the other? For instance if the actual “encounter” is not satisfying, could you seek satisfaction in his enjoyment of the encounter. Such as getting joy out of seeing the joy of your spouse opening a gift you have given them?

Other line of thought:

Assuming the “encounter” is not painful or tramatic, it is just uninteresting, like taking out the garbage, something you would rather not do. If this is the case, and you are in a loving relationship, I am shure you and your husband do lots of chores that you would rather not do in order to maintain a happy home. For many men this is a big deal and lack of “attention” can cause distress. Is it possible for you to accept this as a chore that you have to engage in?

If this is tramatic you may want to consider couples thereapy because this impasse between you two will likely impact him more than he will let on. If it is painfull then you may want seek couples counceling and seek alternatives that will provide him with equivalent “attention” from you.

 

[stayathomemommy]

i used to be uninterested until we got going too. which means i would tell myself that i wanted to give my husband this gift of myself even when i didnt feel like it. then once things commenced it was great. its not wrong to not feel in the mood, but i would try hard to not show that. i would go as far as saying one day, today i will initiate sex. even if you dont want to. he will probably be blown away!

and i dont think a womans husband looking at porn could ever be something she didnt mind. we might grow up thinking its ok or natural for a man but deep down it hurts us and in your case it seams as though its causing you guilt because you think you are not there for him like he needs and you are allowing that to be his excuse for looking at that. the problem is that porn can become an addiction and its bad for his soul. so you should care and ask him to stop and seek other means of help if needed. even if we arnt there for our husband phyisically it does not give them permission to have sex visually with pictures of other women or movies.

 

[curl]

… even if we aren’t there for our husband physically it does not give them permission to have sex visually with pictures of other women or movies.

You are absolutely right about this.

It is, however, a difficult thing to have been wounded in this area and still try to live up to the Church’s high standards of sexual purity. (While preparing to get married, I did not plan on a celibate life, but my wife made us wait seven years to consummate our marriage and has refused any sexual contact for the past ten years. It’s easy to feel frustrated and rejected and therefore tempted by visual images.)

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[Speak_Up]

(While preparing to get married, I did not plan on a celibate life, but my wife made us wait seven years to consummate our marriage and has refused any sexual contact for the past ten years. It’s easy to feel frustrated and rejected and therefore tempted by visual images.)

• curl

Dude… why did you stay beyond the first three months?! If I had tried that, my husband would have had the marriage civilly annulled and then annulled by the Church. Because that would have been one big fraud and manipulation on my part! Why would you allow someone to treat you so badly for so long?

 

[curl]

Dude… why did you stay beyond the first three months?! If I had tried that, my husband would have had the marriage civilly annulled and then annulled by the Church. Because that would have been one big fraud and manipulation on my part! Why would you allow someone to treat you so badly for so long?

Hi, Speak Up! Thanks for the sympathy.
At some low points, I have occasionally asked myself that too.

The rest of the time, however, my explanation for “why no consummation for so long” would be:

1. My wife’s dad was ill with cancer and then died the day before our wedding, which, as you can imagine, had a negative emotional effect for a long time.
2. We had a commuter dating relationship and then a commuter marriage for the first year.
3. Lack of confidence about natural family planning / irregular cycles / Church’s condemnation of barrier methods.
4. Somewhat uncertain job situation for those first seven years.

The reasons for “why stay” would be:

1. Love
2. “…till death do us part”

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