Complicated Wedding Problem

[katiecall87]

I have a unique problem I am dealing with, in regards to preparing for the sacrament of marriage.

I was baptised Catholic at the age of 14, when my father married a Catholic woman. I attended mass with her through my teenage years, but we did not remain in contact thereafter. She and my father had a divorce when I was about 18. At that point in time, I also lost contact with her family members- who were the only Catholic family I had/have. I left the church around that age.

I found my way home to the church when I was about 26. I saw to having my children baptised, and now I am in the process of having my marriage validated. I am so looking forward to this. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. It is high time. He is a protestant, but he supports my Catholic faith fully and is doing everything he needs to, to help get our marriage blessed.

Here is my problem…

I have absolutely no Catholic family or friends. I attend mass weekly, but have not met anyone I can socialize with/share my faith with. You know how it goes, you prayerfully attend mass, and then everyone leaves quick as lightning.It also doesn’t help that I am very shy.

At any rate, I suppose you are wondering what this has to do with my wedding/marriage.

My family and friends are for the most part secular/agnostics and a few are what I like to call “lazy Christians”- meaning that they identify as Christians, but Jesus has no part in their life. They don’t read the bible, go to church, or even pray- as far as I can tell.

My husband’s family is fully composed of fundamentalist Christians. They are devoted in their beliefs, but they are protestant.

I am in the process of reading as much as I can about marriage, as a sacrament, but I am very much behind in my faith formation, so please forgive me if I get the wrong idea about anything- but as it appears to me, the sacrament of marriage is offered during a mass.

This is the part I am worried about. None of my family and friends are Catholic. None of them know or understand how to behave during a mass. Further, I have family members on my husband side, who will have their feelings very hurt if I invite them to our wedding, but then tell them they can’t fully participate (receive communion). I invited my mother in law to a mass once and she cried when I told her she couldn’t receive communion. I didn’t say anything unkind, but she felt like the church was telling her she didn’t love god enough to have to communion. She felt judged and pushed aside and she thought that was very unchristian.

It obviously means the world to me to have my full family present for such a special moment in my life, but I keep having these nightmarish visuals of no one knowing what to do and the priest looking at me like I invited a bunch of monkeys into God’s house. On a rational level, I know priests don’t act like this- but it’s causing me more anxiety than it probably should.

What would you do? Should I only invite my family members to a reception? Should I have my marriage blessed in private with my husband and children only, and then maybe have my husband’s church minister come to a reception and essentially have a second ceremony just for show?

I would rather simply have my family come to my proper sacramental wedding, but the more I think about this, this would only work if the priest knew in advance that no one was Catholic- that way, instead of having communion offered, he could skip it and offer a blessing instead? Is this ever done?

I keep wondering and thinking… that I can’t be the only Catholic with no catholic family. People convert all the time.

 

[CB_Catholic]

You are mistaken. The Sacrament of Marriage is not just performed during a Mass. In fact, if a Catholic is marrying a non-Catholic, it often is done without a Nuptial Mass, for the reasons you have stated–the Communion issue. It can be awkward for the Catholic partner to receive Communion while the non-Catholic partner does not. The choice should be made with all due consideration.

Some of the posters here who have had convalidations should be able to give you their experiences. I know that when my in-laws had theirs ,it was done in a private ceremony (not a Mass) with only the immediate family present, and then we all went out to dinner (the priest was invited and came also).

The last mixed marriage I attended was done outside of the Mass, and it was a beautiful ceremony.

 

[katiecall87]

Thank you for the clarification. The one Catholic wedding I attended in the past involved a mass. This was why I thought a mass was part of the ceremony! I didn’t realize it was optional.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

CB is correct. A marriage between a Catholic and non-Catholic is usually performed outside a Mass. Your pastor may even allow your husband’s pastor to participate.

Regarding the Communion issue, you can probably find some material here on the main Catholic Answers site about this issue. There is a very real difference in the way Catholics/Orthodox view the sacraments and the way Protestants do. Some of my Protestant friends are the most devout Christians I know, but we cannot just ignore the differences. I read a Protestant book that said: We are not anti-sacramental, we are just non-sacramental. It will take the Holy Spirit to heal the schisms in Christianity.

 

[oldgraymare2]

You are mistaken. The Sacrament of Marriage is not just performed during a Mass. In fact, if a Catholic is marrying a non-Catholic, it often is done without a Nuptial Mass, for the reasons you have stated–the Communion issue. It can be awkward for the Catholic partner to receive Communion while the non-Catholic partner does not. The choice should be made with all due consideration.

Some of the posters here who have had convalidations should be able to give you their experiences. I know that when my in-laws had theirs ,it was done in a private ceremony (not a Mass) with only the immediate family present, and then we all went out to dinner (the priest was invited and came also).

The last mixed marriage I attended was done outside of the Mass, and it was a beautiful ceremony.

This is what we did, too.

My husband isn’t Catholic, but I am.

When we had our marriage convalidated, we had a small ceremony in the Rectory with some family members and friends present, and then we went out to dinner afterwards.

We invited our Pastor to dinner too, but he was unable to go with us.

 

[Casilda]

I loved your last thought, people convert all the time. I am a cradle whose Protestant husband wanted to convert to Catholicism. His baptism/chrismation and our marriage convalidation was not done with a Mass. It was attended by our only Catholic friends, a young family whose husband is my husband’s godfather. Also dear friends of ours, a Church of Christ pastor and his wife. None of our other Protestant friends came. They have since, slowly, come around and visited our parish. They are all lapsed Catholics We did not make the event a big deal because to family and friends, we did have a big church wedding over 30+ years ago and they simply would not understand needing another one. This quiet ceremony served it’s purpose.

Take pictures, hang them up, answer questions when people ask. It’s all good. Welcome home.