Concern over extended family visiting - please help

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Happy2bcatholic

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This is rather introspective but I think its a good one.

Do I put religion too much above family - to a detriment.

Do I have my house decorated with sacred art so I can be odd and make others feel uncomfortable?

I know these are tough questions but its good to share them with others who are faithful.

Actually the answer to both is a partial yes.

We’re having a large family gathering at my house for my parents. Everyone in our family is invited - that’s the problem.

How do I put religion above family
(1) I feel that God is a member of our family and therefore going to church is important and if that puts family members out - well maybe in their mind I’m putting ‘family’ second.
(2) my cousin is getting married a 2nd time outside the church, leaving the faith for Episcopalianism, has kids, marrying a divorcee with kids, and both are without an annullment. This is the biggest break with tradition our family has ever experienced as well. The wedding is 1 week prior to the party at my house. I had planned the party first without knowing about the wedding. I had talked to my cousin about his move out of the church and possible marriage and told him why its wrong, in a loving fashion. He seemed to take it well. I talked to his Mom too and she said she’d be fine if I didn’t go. She said that she didn’t go to a nephew’s wedding several years ago for similar reasons but now she is more mature in her faith and sees that things happen in God’s time.
(3) My husband & I not only teach the faith but we are also on an adult ed committee and our 1st topic will be on marriage.
**(4) Most importantly, a friend of my sister-in-law will be at the party and she and my in-laws know nothing about us not going to the wedding. If that friend or some of my in-laws find out, they’ll think that I’m terrible. They don’t agree with the church’s rules. This particular friend of my sister-in-law has a rough side to her and I can see her getting in my face as she has done in the past. - Not sure how to handle that other than by asking her to leave- which would cause all my in-laws to leave as well - all 3 of them.
(she is a homosexual sympathizer and owns a home with another woman. She is very tough and she intimidates me. She likes to put me down when I’m without my husband.)
(5) My parents might be staying with us while they attend the wedding - making our absence VERY notable. I’ve asked them to change the subject if it comes up.

Do I have my house decorated with sacred art so I can be odd and make others feel uncomfortable?
(1) I’ve had an interior decorator come over and help me rearrange my religious stuff. I like to think that I have a holy house. It is blessed house.
(2) There are items that speak of marriage blessing etc. Some will feel that we are hypocrits. Several of my relatives are repulsed by religious items!
(3) I wouldn’t be surprised if someone destroyed something of mine and called it an accident.
(4) I’ve taken great time and detail trying to make the home look more like a holy home, warm and inviting.
(5) I’m still worried.

Am I not going to the wedding to make a stand? Yes.
Do I like being odd and following my own drum beat - yes, I’m well accustomed to this, especialy being a pro-life devout catholic.
Do I have religious things on the wall to perhaps shock people or teach them - hey, religious art good stuff - yes.
Do I like religious art - yes.
What if I went to the wedding, things would be easier - buttttt.
I’m already talked about within my extended family because of all the religious medals I wear - so might as well go for the gold and be me.
My cousins think that I don’t think for myself, that I’m a mommy and daddy’s girl and I"m too conservative and that I’m not too bright. Perhaps my home will confirm it. Oh well. Perhaps I’m worried about nothing.

Just going to the reception is sort of problematic. The wedding and reception are at his house.
 
you rock
  1. God
  2. Family
  3. Country
Family always comes second.

My problem with extended family events is that they always seem to be about false camadre…a bunch of people hanging out together because they share a common lineage but maybe nothing else…I would much rather hang out with friends.
Plus there is too much pressure and manipulation in those situations.

If you dont want to go to the wedding, you shouldnt go and noone should pressure you to do otherwise.
 
And on that note, why are you inviting all of these people to your house that you don’t want there?
 
Unless you pull the religious art out when they’re coming and stow it when they’re gone, it’s not really about anyone else. No one who knows you is going to be surprised to see you have crucifixes and pictures of the Sacred Heart in your house, so don’t feel so self-conscious. Some people fill their houses with porcelain figurines of Victorian ladies, for some people it’s glow-in-the-dark-Jesus. It’s not as if you have lampshades made of human skin. They’ll cope. If they tease you, you can joke, too: “Well, the Michaelangelos were a little out of our price range… and you know, the best ones are so hard to get, what with the security at the Vatican.”

If anyone questions you about being at the wedding, don’t jump to your own defense. You can say “No, we weren’t there. How was it? Did you have a nice time?” If you’re pressed for your reasons, though, you can say “Well, that was really hard. Weddings should really only be attended by those who can put aside their objections and be 100% behind the bride and groom. We couldn’t do that, so even though we love our dear cousin, we felt we just didn’t belong. Just because we love each other doesn’t mean we always understand or agree with each other’s choices. You just have to do what you think is the most loving thing to do. So he invited us, that was the most loving thing, and we didn’t go, because we thought that was the most loving thing. You try to do the best you can, you know?” And they can disagree all they like, and all you need to say is “I’m sorry you feel that way. We did what we thought was the best.” Repeat as often as needed until you get an opportunity to get off the subject.
 
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pittsburghjeff:
And on that note, why are you inviting all of these people to your house that you don’t want there?
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Good point. I would have perferred something much more intimate and NOT invite all these people but there is no way around it. Its like a rite of passage in my family.
 
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BLB_Oregon:
Unless you pull the religious art out when they’re coming and stow it when they’re gone, it’s not really about anyone else. No one who knows you is going to be surprised to see you have crucifixes and pictures of the Sacred Heart in your house, so don’t feel so self-conscious. Some people fill their houses with porcelain figurines of Victorian ladies, for some people it’s glow-in-the-dark-Jesus. It’s not as if you have lampshades made of human skin. They’ll cope. If they tease you, you can joke, too: “Well, the Michaelangelos were a little out of our price range… and you know, the best ones are so hard to get, what with the security at the Vatican.”

If anyone questions you about being at the wedding, don’t jump to your own defense. You can say “No, we weren’t there. How was it? Did you have a nice time?” If you’re pressed for your reasons, though, you can say “Well, that was really hard. Weddings should really only be attended by those who can put aside their objections and be 100% behind the bride and groom. We couldn’t do that, so even though we love our dear cousin, we felt we just didn’t belong. Just because we love each other doesn’t mean we always understand or agree with each other’s choices. You just have to do what you think is the most loving thing to do. So he invited us, that was the most loving thing, and we didn’t go, because we thought that was the most loving thing. You try to do the best you can, you know?” And they can disagree all they like, and all you need to say is “I’m sorry you feel that way. We did what we thought was the best.” Repeat as often as needed until you get an opportunity to get off the subject.
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Thanks for your help. I will need it.
 
Happy2bcatholic–

You hang in there girl! You are right on the money! Hold your head up and stick to your guns.

Seriously, it is good to question yourself but even more important to be true to yourself and your values.

I wish I knew you personally. I could use an ally like you in very similar family situations.

(BTW, check out the “Protestant Youth Ministries and Evangelizing Catholic Youth” thread (also in the Family Life forum) and support me if you can.

God Bless You.
 
La Chiara:
Happy2bcatholic–

You hang in there girl! You are right on the money! Hold your head up and stick to your guns.

Seriously, it is good to question yourself but even more important to be true to yourself and your values.

I wish I knew you personally. I could use an ally like you in very similar family situations.

(BTW, check out the “Protestant Youth Ministries and Evangelizing Catholic Youth” thread (also in the Family Life forum) and support me if you can.

God Bless You.
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Thanks so much I will!
 
My mom is a lone Catholic among a family of casually anti-Catholic fundamentalists. Dad converted for her. The family blames my mom for bringing the eldest son to Hell.

In 30 years of observation of this twisted dynamic, I can tell you this very simply: play defense, not offense. My mom would go to family gatherings waiting for the fight, sometimes looking for it. It always came. Even though the family was self-righteous and condescending, mom did NOTHING to help the situation. It strained the marriage, too. Dad has strong family ties, but he takes his marriage very seriously. Mom always has to be right, and has to know that everyone knows she’s right.

My advice to you is not to change a thing about your house. It is what it is and you are who you are. If someone has a problem with it, don’t try to launch an apologetical oratory. Simple, unapologetic statements go far.

One other thing: stop thinking about it so much. You’re setting yourself up for conflict.

I guess I could sum up with what I would say to critics in MY family, but the phrase required is not appropriate for this forum. 😉
 
montanaman–

Couldn’t you clean it up and give us a hint of what you would say to critics of your family? You have me dying of curiosity. I hope you are defending your Catholic mother!
 
To the people who have anti Catholic fundamentalist relatives, hang crosses all over your house with The Rosaries hanging on them.
Really give them something to complain about.
 
Couldn’t you clean it up and give us a hint of what you would say to critics of your family? You have me dying of curiosity. I hope you are defending your Catholic mother!
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Lol. You can think of it as a “life philosophy” when dealing with obstinantly ignorant and arrogant people. When you’ve sincerely tried to make a tought situation lighter, or to explain your beliefs or position on something, or have tried to walk away but they persist in causing trouble, two words pop into my head. A cleaner translation would be something like “Forget 'em.” Naturally, I reserve that thinking for people who have proven they have no interest in anything but the fight.

As for my mother, I’ll always defend her against the family. But I’m starting to see that she’s a very angry woman. In many ways, I can’t stand to be around her anymore because she looks for conflict in everything. Even her sense of humor has an edge. In fact, this might be for another thread. Suffice it to say I have issues with my mom.
 
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montanaman:
Lol. You can think of it as a “life philosophy” when dealing with obstinantly ignorant and arrogant people. When you’ve sincerely tried to make a tought situation lighter, or to explain your beliefs or position on something, or have tried to walk away but they persist in causing trouble, two words pop into my head. A cleaner translation would be something like “Forget 'em.” Naturally, I reserve that thinking for people who have proven they have no interest in anything but the fight.

As for my mother, I’ll always defend her against the family. But I’m starting to see that she’s a very angry woman. In many ways, I can’t stand to be around her anymore because she looks for conflict in everything. Even her sense of humor has an edge. In fact, this might be for another thread. Suffice it to say I have issues with my mom.
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Thank you for your advice and I’m sorry to hear about your relationship with your Mom. It makes me think of how often I’ve in the past been always looking for an argument with non-relative types and how I recently turned on Fr. Corapi on the radio and he said “if people disagree with the church, pray for them. If and only if you know them really well and you can say it with charity then say something.” This phrase has really helped me become a less argumentative - controversial person. But I keep my mouth shut around family.
 
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