Concerned Parent

[homerunbetty]

My SIL is a lesbian and has had a child outside of marriage. My SIL lives with her “partner” and her partner’s child. My husband and I do not allow our children to go to my SIL’s house, which makes for a difficult situation.

My SIL does not understand why we will not allow our children to spend the night at her house. We have tried to explain to her we love her, but cannot allow our children to stay in her home given her living arrangements and lifestyle. As you can imagine, this has brought on a HUGE family fight.

Our children are too young to explain why they are not allowed to spend the night at their aunt’s house. They have asked the question of “Where is our cousin’s daddy?” and “Why isn’t Aunt Jill married?” We told them that their cousin’s father lives in another state. When we tried to explain to them it is not right for Aunt “Jill” to have a child and not be married, they came back and said their grandmother (the MIL) said it was ok. We had to explain to them you HAVE to be married to have children. This was not something we wanted to be discussing with our 6 year old children.

This is an ongoing battle and we just do not seem to be getting our point through. The MIL and SIL used to be Catholic, but have turned away from the Church and are attending another church together.

Our children cry to go to Aunt “Jill’s” house. They cry to go see their cousin.

Any suggestions on how to handle this situationwould be greatly appreciated.

 

[Havard]

I would try getting your SIL to look at it from your perspective. She knows what you believe, so she should also know that based upon your beliefs, you are acting in the best interests of your children. How could she expect you to do any differently? Try talking about a role-reversal situation, and what she would do.

I’m sure if she thinks about it, even if she doesn’t agree with your beliefs, she’ll be able to appreciate why you do what you do… and most importantly, that you do it out of love.

 

[homerunbetty]

We have tried talking to her. She does not think what she is doing is wrong. She feels like us keeping our children away from her is what is wrong. Ugh!

 

[The_Bucket]

We have tried talking to her. She does not think what she is doing is wrong. She feels like us keeping our children away from her is what is wrong. Ugh!

Honestly, of course she’s not going to see it your way. But you have to firmly tell her that you believe in a certain set of morals and you will not allow your children to be influenced by her immoral and unnatural lifestyle. Period. There’s really nothing to discuss if she and your MIL are going to try and subvert the way you are raising your children when they tell them that you’re wrong and what your SIL is doing is fine.

Perhaps a good compromise is to meet in neutral locations or have the “cousin” dropped off at your home for playtime. After all, it’s not like that little kid did anything wrong! Then I’d just gradually see them less and less often until they either respect your moral stand or you simply go separate ways for the most part.

I can’t relate too similarly, but I do have an atheist grandmother and aunt. I certainly let them see our little ones, but if they’re still around when my kids get to be five or six, there will absolutely be no religious discussion by them around my children. And if my kids ask about them and why they don’t celebrate even their holidays (they were Jewish) then I’ll tell them that they don’t believe in God and they need prayers and leave it at that. Wish I could provide more insight, but honestly, this kind of thing doesn’t usually end with a great compromise. It’s usually a source of unending strife unless you can do something to simply pull away to minimize the fighting, while reminding them that you’ll always pray for them.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I do sympathize with your situation, even though thankfully, we have no family situation quite that bad.

I found it much easier to make a ‘no sleepovers’ rule. That stopped wanting to spend the night at friends’ houses where we didn’t know people well and even having issues at our own house with late nights. As another poster said, this rule very quickly stopped the invites and was very easy to explain.

If we need the kids to stay with someone overnight or if cousins need to stay with us–that is a different situation. Then it is overnight childcare and we make arrangements accordingly.

I would question though, why your children are begging to go to “Aunt Jill’s”. If you aren’t cutting off the relationship completely, you can certainly invite your niece (nephew) to play occasionly at your house, or meet at grandma’s or a playground. If your concern is just for sleepovers and not daytime play, then again an occasional playdate wopuld be fine.

I feel it is very important to be able to easily have regular family time.
No matter what the issue (or not), you need to train your children not to be constantly begging to go play at other people’s houses or always wanting to have playdates over.

My SIL is a lesbian and has had a child outside of marriage. My SIL lives with her “partner” and her partner’s child. My husband and I do not allow our children to go to my SIL’s house, which makes for a difficult situation.

My SIL does not understand why we will not allow our children to spend the night at her house. We have tried to explain to her we love her, but cannot allow our children to stay in her home given her living arrangements and lifestyle. As you can imagine, this has brought on a HUGE family fight.

Our children are too young to explain why they are not allowed to spend the night at their aunt’s house. They have asked the question of “Where is our cousin’s daddy?” and “Why isn’t Aunt Jill married?” We told them that their cousin’s father lives in another state. When we tried to explain to them it is not right for Aunt “Jill” to have a child and not be married, they came back and said their grandmother (the MIL) said it was ok. We had to explain to them you HAVE to be married to have children. This was not something we wanted to be discussing with our 6 year old children.

This is an ongoing battle and we just do not seem to be getting our point through. The MIL and SIL used to be Catholic, but have turned away from the Church and are attending another church together.

Our children cry to go to Aunt “Jill’s” house. They cry to go see their cousin.

Any suggestions on how to handle this situationwould be greatly appreciated.

 

[homerunbetty]

It’s funny you said “reminding them that you’ll always pray for them.” Every word that comes out of the SIL or MIL’s mouth is “I’ll pray for you.” They have come to believe that because we are devout Catholics we are sinners. They have tried on numerous occasions to get us to go to their church. They keep trying to tell us why we need to switch over to their church. They cannot understand why we will not skip Mass to attend their church. They will use things to try and tempt our children to see if our children can persuade us into going. They will tell our kiddos all about the new playground they have at their church. Then our children will come back and whine asking why can’t they go to church with Aunt “Jill” and “Granny.”

We have set a “no sleepover” rule. We do not have any family that our children can spend the night with. I do not have any family. I lost my father when I was 17 years old and lost my mother three years ago. We will not allow our children to spend the night with my SIL or MIL. We did let them spend the night with the MIL one night. We found out they did NOT sleep at her house, but slept at the SIL’s houses instead! We were absolutely FURIOUS! Neither one of them could understand why! Let’s see, our children were allowed to watch Harry Potter, Star Wars and Transformers they were 4 years old!!! Our children are 7 years old now and they are still not allowed to watch these movies.

My husband and I have been alone two nights in the past 10½ years we have been married. It gets tough at times, but we are not going to leave our chidren with someone else. The Step-MIL says she takes care of children all day long. The last thing she wants to do is take care of children when she gets off work, even if it is her own grandchildren. I am sure she feels differently about her “own” grandchildren instead of her “step” grandchildren. So it’s just my hubby, our children and me.

We have invited their cousin over to play, but he is raised completely different than our children. The cousin is five years older our children and always talking about killing, shooting, dungeons, dragons, wizards, etc. We find this all very strange to us as we do not allow our children to play these kinds of games or watch these kinds of shows.

 

[Havard]

We have tried talking to her. She does not think what she is doing is wrong. She feels like us keeping our children away from her is what is wrong. Ugh!

Spend time talking to her about what your faith means to you, and how it influences your life. She may not agree with it, but understanding that your motivations are rooted in love of Christ may help be the foundation of a better relationship.

 

[The_Bucket]

It’s funny you said “reminding them that you’ll always pray for them.” Every word that comes out of the SIL or MIL’s mouth is “I’ll pray for you.” They have come to believe that because we are devout Catholics we are sinners. They have tried on numerous occasions to get us to go to their church. They keep trying to tell us why we need to switch over to their church. They cannot understand why we will not skip Mass to attend their church. They will use things to try and tempt our children to see if our children can persuade us into going. They will tell our kiddos all about the new playground they have at their church. Then our children will come back and whine asking why can’t they go to church with Aunt “Jill” and “Granny.”

You tell them to step off. Seriously. They may be the “only family you have” but they’re clearly not being good family right now. You’re not trying to rip them away from THEIR church or get your SIL to cease her homosexual relationship, so they’re being totally absurd. At this point, you’re better off with no real family and to replace them with close friends. They are being subversive, rude and sinful. If they weren’t women and family, I think what they’re doing as far as “persuading” your kids to see things their way is worthy of a physical throwdown. I’d use much stronger language about kicking and a certain body part, and a plural term about those women that is related to a certain female animal, but this is CAF so I won’t.

Let’s see, our children were allowed to watch Harry Potter, Star Wars and Transformers they were 4 years old!!! Our children are 7 years old now and they are still not allowed to watch these movies.

At four? Hrm. Too much intense action. At seven? I don’t see any harm in that, it’s not like those movies are bad… save for one scene in Transformers. That being said, they’re your kids and honestly, the movies are the least of your concerns. The biggest concern you have is that your “family” is creating a rift between you and your children.

We have invited their cousin over to play, but he is raised completely different than our children. The cousin is five years older our children and always talking about killing, shooting, dungeons, dragons, wizards, etc. We find this all very strange to us as we do not allow our children to play these kinds of games or watch these kinds of shows.

I’d just introduce them to the kinds of games you’d play, but be gentle about it. The kid is still young, he’ll find anything interesting if you let him. Try outdoors stuff, adventures and sports. Boys love that stuff. Oh, and I think make it a point to demonstrate to your SIL and MIL that you’re not trying to indoctrinate him or mess with his nuclear family the way they are with yours.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

It sounds like the attaction is all the forbidden stuff. I’m sure sil makes it sound like so much fun! ugh!!

If their cousin is 5 years older, they don’t need to have playdates with him anyway. Seeing them at family events is enough.

I wouldn’t explain or excuse anymore. Simply say, “I’m sorry, Bobbie and Sue can’t come over.” Period.

Then to your children don’t bring up the cousin or Auntie “Jill”. If they ask to go over just say “No, we aren’t visiting them today.” Don’t get into discussions about the absent father, extra moms or any of that.

I will pray for you and for your in-laws who are very confused!!