Concerning "Dating" (Relationships)

[Joshua66]

I’d just like to say before you read any of this,that this question is in the most mature and appropriate concern of a simple 15 year old teen. Also, I posted this in this section because I believed it best fitted here, and my previous post was placed here as well.

This question can be viewed in a foolish, selfish manner, or an honest, inquisitive way. I simply ask when it’s appropriate to begin this as a catholic, morally.
I’m 15 years old, I’m still in high school and I have a part time job. I’ve been thankful enough to receive prayers from family and others on here as well to keep me away from my sinfulness in impurity. I had a terrible masturbation addiction with pornography which I have defeated recently, with an eye opening vision of true love and happiness. Through all my prayers and celebration of church services, I have been finally able to break my sinful addiction by viewing a true example of pure love and sacrifice. It really inspired me and it just made me stop. I was emotional at first at the realization of how loving and caring you must be to be at peace and be truly loving. Of all things for me to see, murders, rapes, abortions, I’ve haven’t been swayed so strong enough by anything but what I had saw. No fear of God changed my belief or actions, but I believe through prayer and the discovery of what true love is made up of, I’ve realized an even greater importance of purity and the great experiences of true companionship and love a marriage has to offer, and an even greater importance on not to abuse the gift God has given man. And I’m proud to say that I will never abuse my self in such ways again and I will remain pure (if God willing) till I marry. But this vision has given me a strong compulsion of experiencing this love, because it seems so true and fascinating to me, and it’s helped me to stop thinking impurely, and trying to be impure with myself, making me realize there is a stronger love than that evil lust I had satisfied myself with on a daily basis. I’m aware of love as a true feeling amongst companions and fellowships or fathers and brothers and loving your friends and family and loving everyone around you even your enemies, but this feeling of loving someone and binding yourself to someone in this life into the next forever has really got a firm grasp on my mind. It’s been something I’ve always thought of since I was impure with myself and realized how bad it was. The love of two souls and flesh becoming one. I looked to it as a way of “salvation” for myself, a way to escape my impurity by finding a suitable partner or girlfriend or something relating to that. Anyway, I realize that I’m still only a boy living in the house of my parents, and it could just be very well my hormones raging or something and I just really want to be an adult already and experience love, and all that presumptuous stuff. And it could be, I don’t doubt it, but what I saw has just compelled me to stop masturbating and it had also strongly and powerfully increased my desire of meeting a wonderful human female to spend my life with in this and the next. I have a lot ahead of me in life, I know, but I feel from my impurity and mortal sins I might not actually be worthy of this sort of love any time soon, of course which is considerably appropriate since I’m only a teen and only starting to drive. And as sinful and lustful as I’ve been these past years, and of course still only being a teen, I haven’t observed anyone around me I’d consider a moral or mature enough adult to engage in something such as that with. I see many people around me at my job, my school, and honestly some in my parish that view the idea of a relationship as people who are ‘committed’ to using one another for their own physical needs. I hate to sound ignorant or foolish, but it appears in my perspective that most people do indeed act like this ( in my environments) and the ones that don’t participate or do these things with these kinds of people share a similar view of it, which is also a bit of a let down. So I can easily accept the fact that I won’t see maturity and seriousness till I’m out of high school ( I believe that anyway,)

Anyway, the reason why I’m posting this because I feel like this could possibly increase myself morally and spiritually with God, to consider finding or looking for someone worthy of a sincere or honest developing relationship with someone. The last time I posted I was literally just about to give up on my attempts to be pure. And I feel like now I finally am locked in place, in a good way. And my desire for belonging and love has increased so much after seeing an example of true love and sacrifice. It just feels so unique and strong, I’ve felt a strong desire of belonging and wanting to be accepted by my family in a great way, but this made me feel so much more hopeful and greater. I’m just incredibly happy and I just wanted to know in an honest opinion what age is appropriate to consider developing a holy and great relationship with someone. I won’t be doing anything foolish and be getting ahead of myself, but I want an honest opinion from some of you. Perhaps to calm myself or maybe set my uncontrollable feelings in a particular direction.

God Be with you.

 

[robwar]

you need to make your posts short and to the point. This was way too long. You are 15 years old. (I am a mom of a 15 year old). Your biggest concern should be getting good grades and thinking about what God would want you to do after you graduate from HS and then where you need to go to further your education. If school is your focus, worrying about what true love is or finding it and remaining pure will take a back seat. You have a lot of growing up to do and when you are 15 that is hard to realize. You have your whole life ahead of you. Focus on what gifts and interests God has given you and then work towards those goals and the rest of this will fall to the wayside. Please again, when you post, you need to keep the whole thing short and to the point.

 

[raikou]

Hi Joshua.

I’m glad you were able to overcome vice. Thank God for that great blessing. Remember that the struggle to maintain purity is a life-long struggle. We should always be vigilant lest the devil find an opportunity to drag us down. Continue to pray that God would keep you pure and make sure to avoid occasions of sin.

About your question when it is appropriate to date someone, I think the prudent answer is when you are ready to marry soon (when you’re financially stable, mature etc.) For young adolescents who are not yet prepared to get married for several years more, it would be imprudent to engage in steady company-keeping as this unnecessarily provides an occasion for impurity.

At your age, I don’t think you are ready to be married anytime soon. Although I admire the maturity of your outlook on marriage and your desire to be pure, I think it would be imprudent for you to expose yourself to an unnecessary occasion of sin.

Belonging and sacrificial love not only happens in committed relationships or in marriage. They can also be found in your ordinary family life or friendships. I suggest that while you are still not ready to marry soon, try to grow in Christian love in these other respects. Foster a deeper prayer life with God. Focus on and do well in your studies. All these will prepare you for that time when you are ready to marry if God calls you in that vocation.

Here’s also a good website answering your question:

chastity.com/chastity-qa/dating/finding-love/when-should-i-begin-dating/w

chastity.com/chastity-qa/dating/dating

 

[Markus2007]

I’d just like to say before you read any of this,that this question is in the most mature and appropriate concern of a simple 15 year old teen. Also, I posted this in this section because I believed it best fitted here, and my previous post was placed here as well.
…

Brother I think your post was wonderful and a blessing to read. It was more of a testimony than a question, but I’d like to try and make a few points still.

First of all I disagree with the point that was made by someone earlier, that your main concern should be making good grades. Grades are important of course, but there are many, many things much, much more important. Love (in all it’s forms) is most certainly that.

Secondly, nobody can answer your question about what age would be appropriate, with a number. You seem to be very mature in your thinking, and very sincere in your passion, which is rather uncommon for a 15-year old these days. But the point is, everybody’s different. Just from reading your post I believe you would be ready right now to engage in a godly kind of courtship with a girlfriend (I’d still advise multiple years of courtship before even getting engaged) - but, you’d obviously need to find that special someone first. Be patient. Don’t expect everybody your age to be of the same level of maturity (but don’t become arrogant either). Sooner or later you will meet the right person and if you keep this attitude, you will be a great blessing to her.

Just continue to walk with God and listen to your family, your priest, and other spiritual leaders you may have. Then everything will turn out just fine

 

[Joshua66]

you need to make your posts short and to the point. This was way too long. You are 15 years old. (I am a mom of a 15 year old). Your biggest concern should be getting good grades and thinking about what God would want you to do after you graduate from HS and then where you need to go to further your education. If school is your focus, worrying about what true love is or finding it and remaining pure will take a back seat. You have a lot of growing up to do and when you are 15 that is hard to realize. You have your whole life ahead of you. Focus on what gifts and interests God has given you and then work towards those goals and the rest of this will fall to the wayside. Please again, when you post, you need to keep the whole thing short and to the point.

you know, you’re right i’m sorry, i feel like i write these long novels and i sometimes hesitate posting but i feel at times there is a lack of info and then too much. I apologize

and i suppose your’e right. My main duty is to finish my school work, though it seems in some areas pointless and just fillers for knowledge,I only look to the idea of it because it seems so promising and it would fulfill my ‘gaps’ in my life and wandering and high school years, seems everyone gets along well and fine doing things their own ways even though it’s not necessarily the right way. I guess I must still continue on the long and narrow path to do what’s required of me.

I’m also thankful for your answer because it confirms that my mother is like-minded as most normal mothers, thank you. : )

 

[Joshua66]

Hi Joshua.

I’m glad you were able to overcome vice. Thank God for that great blessing. Remember that the struggle to maintain purity is a life-long struggle. We should always be vigilant lest the devil find an opportunity to drag us down. Continue to pray that God would keep you pure and make sure to avoid occasions of sin.

About your question when it is appropriate to date someone, I think the prudent answer is when you are ready to marry soon (when you’re financially stable, mature etc.) For young adolescents who are not yet prepared to get married for several years more, it would be imprudent to engage in steady company-keeping as this unnecessarily provides an occasion for impurity.

At your age, I don’t think you are ready to be married anytime soon. Although I admire the maturity of your outlook on marriage and your desire to be pure, I think it would be imprudent for you to expose yourself to an unnecessary occasion of sin.

Belonging and sacrificial love not only happens in committed relationships or in marriage. They can also be found in your ordinary family life or friendships. I suggest that while you are still not ready to marry soon, try to grow in Christian love in these other respects. Foster a deeper prayer life with God. Focus on and do well in your studies. All these will prepare you for that time when you are ready to marry if God calls you in that vocation.

Here’s also a good website answering your question:

chastity.com/chastity-qa/dating/finding-love/when-should-i-begin-dating/w

chastity.com/chastity-qa/dating/dating

Thank you for the websites, I really do appreciate it, this was something along the lines for what I was looking for.

And I know, you’re right, if i’d ever get married it would clearly have to be when i’m older, i guess i just think i’m qualified to fulfill the requirements of beginning a relationship.
And at my age, I guess you are right in saying I have more occasions of sin likely to occur if I did do such things at my age. I consider it a great factor, but I admit I’d be frightened to do something like that at my age compared to being impure myself, simply because I’d be afraid of giving myself to someone I’m not bound to.
Thank you for your answer though, it has opened my eye more. I greatly appreciate it

 

[Joshua66]

Brother I think your post was wonderful and a blessing to read. It was more of a testimony than a question, but I’d like to try and make a few points still.

First of all I disagree with the point that was made by someone earlier, that your main concern should be making good grades. Grades are important of course, but there are many, many things much, much more important. Love (in all it’s forms) is most certainly that.

Secondly, nobody can answer your question about what age would be appropriate, with a number. You seem to be very mature in your thinking, and very sincere in your passion, which is rather uncommon for a 15-year old these days. But the point is, everybody’s different. Just from reading your post I believe you would be ready right now to engage in a godly kind of courtship with a girlfriend (I’d still advise multiple years of courtship before even getting engaged) - but, you’d obviously need to find that special someone first. Be patient. Don’t expect everybody your age to be of the same level of maturity (but don’t become arrogant either). Sooner or later you will meet the right person and if you keep this attitude, you will be a great blessing to her.

Just continue to walk with God and listen to your family, your priest, and other spiritual leaders you may have. Then everything will turn out just fine

Thank you very much my friend. I appreciate this very much. But I suppose my main duty and obligation is not only schooling and work, but my obligations to living Gods word, fulfilling love at the same time, but also to fulfill the duties as a son, student, and brother in the Church. I have to act well as all three of these, and I think that’s what I have to keep doing. I have to master being all these things before I can be old enough to attain the greater rewards of man or develop them rather. And I believe in what you say. I must wait to meet the right person, and right now I don’t think I’ll be finding her soon where I’m at, not until I have more responsibilities and advance on my own rather than in my mother and fathers home, but in places of more opportunity and interest. I must wait. Thank you.

 

[Joshua66]

I realize after reading several other posts on the forums that my question seemed kind of silly and childish in a sense, and I was just eager to have my question answered, and that there are indeed more important outlooks in life and other great conflicts to conquer than what fighting and desiring. It’s just that this has just touched me in a great way, but I have to take this feeling in and remember it for when the time is right then and continue to remain pure, and just pray for those struggling. I’m thankful for your answers, as it has increased my desires and dreams of becoming a more responsible adult and actually becoming an adult and to succeed in life in the areas I’m required to. Thank you for your help and your answers. I think I know what more I have to do, and I’ll learn more and what’s required of me as I get older and try to become more knowledgeable.

God bless.

 

[edwest2]

As I entered my teens, I asked my mother certain questions (it wasn’t like my dad did not provide me with good advice, it was just that I found it was me and my mom discussing this more). First, I am glad you have broken free of an addiction that afflicts so many of us, and for others reading who still struggle, don’t lose heart.

As I asked about relationships and marriage, my mother would sometimes say, “Let’s talk about this again in a few years.” I trusted her, so I waited. As I progressed through my teens, there were events in high school where I could ask a girl out. These were not ‘find your mate’ things, just the common realization that as even Catholics (!) mature, the nuns and priests understood that spending a little time with a young lady was healthy and normal. The nuns even had us choose partners prior to a dance to teach us a few steps. They got it.

This was all about getting our feet wet and realizing different girls were different. These early impressions began to form a picture in my mind of the kind of girl I’d like to date. And it was drilled into our heads: dating is fine but no sexual intercourse. We were to treat the young lady with respect and while recognizing her feminine beauty, get to know her as a whole person. Very important.

By the time I started college at 18, I began to meet different girls and the same when I started working a few weeks out of high school. We had always been warned about girls who slept around, and to be polite to them but not date them. For most young ladies at the time, being a virgin prior to marriage was an important thing. The same for guys. This in stark contrast to our media created culture where sex - and relationships - mean nothing.

This was the time when most of us guys began to plan:

1. I’m going to graduate (by age 21), and get a job I like, if I didn’t already have one. Make certain that my job choice would provide enough for a comfortable - not lavish - married life, and to be careful about spending money and saving some.
2. Around the time between 18 and 21, a lot of guys were looking for someone and the same for young ladies. Once you found someone you felt was special, and with whom you had things in common, you would date and see where things went. If things were going well and the more you got to know and trust one another, you met her family and she met yours.
3. If both of you were agreeable, then official courtship started. This was all about getting to know the real her and the real you and included going shopping together and enjoying doing things other than dating.

I can’t stress this enough: If you don’t enjoy each other’s company as much as you thought while doing ‘non-dating’ things then how will being married to her change that? If you have things in common and enjoy each other’s company no matter what you do together, then THAT WILL be the most important thing you will need to stay married for life.

Let’s face it, the average day will be this:

8 hours of sleep, getting ready for work, 8 hours of work, driving back, cooking, having dinner, cleaning, laundry, paying the bills and dealing with other things, like if the car needs to go in for repairs, one of you gets sick and so on. Only a tiny part of your day will include sex. That’s just a fact. And someone’s going to have to buy food, clothes and other things, as needed.

In those times where you are not working or doing any of the above, you have those things in common, those pleasant conversations, and you have in-laws and friends as well who deserve a bit of your time.

I’m not leaving God out of this, but I know from experience that too many relationships today are ‘shoot first and ask questions afterward’ affairs. Too many find out, AFTER the ceremony who the other person really is. Wrong move.

Guys, sit down with her dad and ask his permission to marry his daughter. After all, he was your age once and gets all the hormones, feminine beauty and the feelings. He’ll ask you the practical questions: “Where will you live? Have you talked about children? Transportation?” and so on.

To be blunt, too many follow this simple — really, really bad — formula. “I’m hot, you’re hot. Let’s do it. OK, we’re good in the sack. Let’s get married.” Aren’t we putting the cart ahead of the horse here?

I had an absolute doll tell me she was divorced. I asked her how long she had been married. She said nine months. I asked her what happened. She said, “After we got married, I found out my husband was a nut!” So… he waited until after the ceremony to exhibit nutty behavior? Something tells me that’s not the right answer.

God bless,
Ed