Only go as fast as the Holy Spirit leads you. It’s not easy, sometimes, being a convert. There are still things that I feel uneasy with… sometimes the past upbringing (in my case non-Catholic Christian) will grab hold of those vulnerable spots and cause great turmoil regarding Catholicism. And like you, sometimes one of my vulnerable spots is confession.
Before I became Catholic, all I had to do was repent, and I knew I was instantly forgiven. I had assurance of salvation. But when I became Catholic, everyone seems to say that the assurance of salvation that I know to be true… isn’t real… even though I know to still work my salvation out in fear and trembling. I don’t like to mention it, and I mean no harm by mentioning it, but it’s sadly the truth.
Also, as I mentioned before, all I had to do was repent; but now that I’ve converted, I have to wait for Saturday confession (tough circumstances prevent)… I must wait: not to repent, but to be forgiven & to avoid damnation. I actually almost broke down in the confessional this past weekend, telling the priest that “it used to be that all I would have to do was repent, and my sins would be wiped away, removed far away, forever… but now that I’m Catholic, I have to go to confession to be forgiven- and what if I die before then? I’ve heard priests say a person WILL go to hell with mortal sin on their soul. Even though I hear that I can say an act of “perfect” contrition, there’s no assurance that I did. But I know in my heart that I’m truly sorry for having offended God”. (There’s a lot that goes into the
prescription for a perfect act of contrition. I know I can’t
remember or even understand everything.) He comforted me by saying that I was already forgiven before I went to confession, and what we were celebrating at the sacrament of reconciliation was God’s forgiveness.
As I said, I’m a convert, and these are the hidden struggles of a convert. I don’t like to talk about them publicly, because I fear people misunderstanding or thinking I’m mentioning such things for uncouth reasons. It’s just the honest truth, and something that I wish I had known that I would have problems with before I converted, because it has caused much distress. Not always though. Just on and off again.
My background is one that is a spirit-filled Christian/Messianic denomination. I have a very Jewish spirit, and I often find myself having big reservations with certain things that many Jewish people would. In my case, reservations would include devotions to anyone but God (the Trinity), kneeling in the confessional (I have a hard time kneeling before a human or statue even though I know it’s not in worship). There are other things, but I don’t remember them all right now… and it’s probably best that I don’t recall such things. Right now, I’m in a comfortable place. I have several upsets in my spiritual conscience regarding certain aspects of Catholicism.
Now as Catholics we must accept dogma. Luckily, I don’t know what all the dogmas are. I’ve skimmed through them, and I didn’t see anything that sent up warning flags. So thankfully I’ve found a way to accept them as truth (including the ones I don’t know of), if they really are true, which the Catholic Church says that they are. And for right now, that’s all I can do, and I leave it at that. Forgive the cliché, but ignorance is bliss at times. At least for this sad little convert. But I try, I try. Very much so.
At my lowest points, I’ve only remained Catholic because 1) the Eucharist and 2) because if you leave you risk going to hell. My husband says “It’s not a mafia, they won’t break your legs if you leave”. It’s not the breaking of ligaments I would be worried about if I left; it’s my soul. But at my highest points, I’ve been a fervent defender of the church. It can be a roller coaster for converts. I don’t know; maybe I joined too early. Sometimes I feel its just way, way too hard & spiritually, emotionally draining for me. The strong Catholic times are wonderful, but the weaker moments are anguish. Maybe I didn’t think things through. Or maybe, the Holy Spirit led me to join the Catholic Church, and at the right time. I don’t know. All I know is that for some, it isn’t easy. But it was never about it being easy or hard, it was never about one theology or the other; it was about Jesus: the Eucharist and the church that He gave to the world so that there would be guidance and no division. And even after the ups and downs, my conscience is clean, because it was about Jesus from the very beginning.
My only advice… my best advice: only go as fast as the Holy Spirit will lead you. That’s all you can do.:hug3:.
As for knowing the difference about whether something is a venial or mortal sin: for it to be a mortal sin, you must KNOW that it is a mortal sin. It’s one of the requirements for a mortal sin to be mortal.
